I'm just not happy about it!

[FaerieGothMommy]

So, heres the story...

My mom has a new boyfriend, she has only been with him a few months. Anyway, hes just sold his own business, so has quite a bit of money & He has about 2 properties in Spain, those he is selling, but he has just bought some land and is going to build his house on that land. He is moving to Spain, and my mom plans to go with him.

Now, i want to be happy for my mom, because this has been her dream for sometime, but i can't be! Baisically because i don't think her new boyfriend is right for her, and i think she just kinda shrugs that off because he has a house in Spain, and all her friends keep telling her she'd be stupid to get rid of him.

He has ALOT of irritating traits.. My mom always put my dad down for some of the things he did, but her boyfriend is worse, MUCH worse!!! One thing that is really peeing me off, is my second baby is due July 3rd, he has just taken my mom to Spain for 2 weeks, knowing full well i could drop anyday, and he knows how important it is for me to have my mom with me when i go into labour. Then, he decides to plan a day out (something to do with his family getting together) but guess what day it's on? Yep, thats right, July 3rd!!! MY DUE DATE!!!
Now, my mom isn't planning on actually moving to Spain until next year, but he is soo sly, and he keeps trying to get her to move there earlier than that. He asked her to go to Spain in November (keeping in mind, he doesn't pay for her to go, she has to pay for herself all the time) and then he turned round and said "Well, we'll be living in Spain by november anyway" my mom nearly bit his head off and replyed "You might be, but i'm not going that soon"....
He also does little things, like the way he eats (my mom used to hate the way my dad ate, and the way her bf eats is 100 times worse) but she seems to just shrug it off.
If you knew my mom personally you'd understand why that isn't normal :lol: shes usually very fussy, and after having 1 failed marriage shes usually very picky about who she sees.
Another thing is he seems VERY clingy & nosey. He always rings my mom, which i know pees her off as shes even told me it does. If she is not in, he goes all moody.
And if her mobile phone rings, he constantly watches her like a hawk until she has put the phone down, then asks who it was.
I was even txting my friend, and i copped him standing behind me reading my txt message!!!

Also, i hate the way he puts down my family. His family are all rich, so he talks about them like they are superior or something! When it comes to my moms family on the otherhand, he actually calls us things. He was taking the mick out of my 20 month old nephew not long ago, because hes a big baby. And he trys to say his son is better than my brother (childish, i know)...

As you can see, i am really not fond of him. When i get negative vibes off someone, i am usually right, as i'm so sensitive to the vibes people give off unknowingly.
Me & my mom are close, so you can understand why i am not happy. Someone i do not trust or like is taking my mom away to live in Spain.

Sometimes i think, maybe i'm just being selfish, but if she was going with someone who i knew she truely loved and who i trusted, i'd be extremley happy for her.
I have tryed telling her how i feel, but i can't! I did say once (while burst out crying) that i don't want HIM to take her to Spain. But it never gets me anywhere. And besides, why should she re-arrange her whole life just because i don't like him?

It's got that bad, that i can't even stay in the same room as him. I can't go out with my mom anymore if i know he is going.

What am i going to do? Sometimes i just want to cry, other times i want to scream at him for what he is doing, but i stop myself because i don't want to upset my mom. I just feel like theres nothing i can do, and he will get his own way, as usual!!! :sadeyes:

[ArgyrosDrakon]

ah my dear Sorry you don't like your mothers new boy freind.
You know what they say Love is Blind.
I hope it all works out for you and for your mother.

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz:
hun i dont know what to suggest
pray that yr mother sees him for what he is before she commits?

[FaerieGothMommy]

Yeh, i suppose that is all i can do. Even my boyfriend gets those bad vibes off of her new bf, and he has no reason to feel anything bad about it, it's not his mom... so it shows i am not the only one. I even had a talk with my sister, who says she feels the same about him.

The worst thing is, she has even spoke about marriage!!! If that were to happen, i doubt i could even go to the wedding.

[morrigen]

I don't like the bit about him watching her phone calls and getting moody...smacks of "pre"-abuse behaviour, if you know what I mean...just not right.

Hope it works itself out somehow...wish I had better advice.

[Æon Flux]

Is she in that "new love" phase where everything is lovey dovey no matter what?
Cause the "new love" phase will pass.
And also, I suspect your mother might just feel a little insecure too, if she really ment buisness I would guess she might move to Spain with him in November.
But she seems reluctant to make a BINDING commitment.

You say she's started to talk about marriage, is this only talk or does she seem serious?

Try to get all the family members who feel the same as you with you and talk to her all at the same time.
There might be a danger here she does not see.
After all, the relationship seems fairly new, and sometimes people are not at all what they seem to be.

I hope thinsg work out and your mother starts seeing him for what he really is.
:hugz:

Blessings to you and your family.
I hope all goes well.

[Jaroson]

Hey

Firstly I'd say what a difficult situation you've got. Your mum is obviously involved with someone who appears to be an immature and underdeveloped socially insecure man. His need to bolster up his own and his family's importance above your own is a sign of how insecure he feels.
It looks as if he is driven by a desire or need to control the situation he has found himself in (ie being with your mum) and is possibly suspicious and envious of any other relationships she has with anyone else, including the closeness you share with her. His behaviour is typical of someone who cannot adapt and allow someone to live their own life within a relationship.

At this early stage in the relationship, your mum is bound to gloss over the bad habits which you mentioned. She will be in love and not wanting to rock the boat as it were. Whether or not she goes to Spain is irrelevant at this moment in time. She will dig her heels in if she really wants to and nothing would make her miss the birth of your second child.

You are quite right that she does have her own life to live and I daresay that once this initial 'rose tinted glasses period' wears off, the cracks will then begin to show. Try and support her rather than disapprove and you may find that she responds more to your concerns in that way.

As for him putting your family down, this idiot must have such low self esteem and worth that he feels the need to better himself and his own family all the time. Sure, they have money, but do they have a solid and loving family base? Money aint the answer to everything and it certainly hasn't made him feel like a secure individual has it?

In the end however, only your mum can make the decisions in her life and she will need all the support you can give her in the event that this relationship ends. Good luck.

[FaerieGothMommy]

Hey

Firstly I'd say what a difficult situation you've got. Your mum is obviously involved with someone who appears to be an immature and underdeveloped socially insecure man. His need to bolster up his own and his family's importance above your own is a sign of how insecure he feels.
It looks as if he is driven by a desire or need to control the situation he has found himself in (ie being with your mum) and is possibly suspicious and envious of any other relationships she has with anyone else, including the closeness you share with her. His behaviour is typical of someone who cannot adapt and allow someone to live their own life within a relationship.

At this early stage in the relationship, your mum is bound to gloss over the bad habits which you mentioned. She will be in love and not wanting to rock the boat as it were. Whether or not she goes to Spain is irrelevant at this moment in time. She will dig her heels in if she really wants to and nothing would make her miss the birth of your second child.

You are quite right that she does have her own life to live and I daresay that once this initial 'rose tinted glasses period' wears off, the cracks will then begin to show. Try and support her rather than disapprove and you may find that she responds more to your concerns in that way.

As for him putting your family down, this idiot must have such low self esteem and worth that he feels the need to better himself and his own family all the time. Sure, they have money, but do they have a solid and loving family base? Money aint the answer to everything and it certainly hasn't made him feel like a secure individual has it?

In the end however, only your mum can make the decisions in her life and she will need all the support you can give her in the event that this relationship ends. Good luck.

Thank you ever so much!!! Thats made me feel loads better, and everything you said seems to be right!

Like you said, i've always had the strange feeling that he has something against me & my moms relationship, and have never been able to pinpoint why exactly! I mean, why should he?

Also, my bf keeps telling me, that soon she will have had enough of him. Like you said, once the new romance thing has passed, she will see him for who he really is and get fed up, i can only hope this is true.

Also before she met him, she was always worried about settling down, she seen it as, her getting older and just wanting someone to settle down with. So, it's like she glosses over all his bad traits, just so's she can finally settle down and not have to worry about being single anymore.

I've also found when i support her rather than disapprove, she is much more understanding. So i think all i can do is support her.

Another thing is, she wants me and my bf to stay in this house and pay the mortgage rather than buying a new house, incase she decides to come back home and she has somewhere to come back to. Otherwise she would have sold the house, and wouldn't have had any place to go (even though, i would always offer her my home to stay in) ... But don't you think this shows anoither sign of her being a bit iffy about moving away? And the fact that she is adament that she will not move until next year.

Thanks again for your advice :) :hugz:

[FaerieGothMommy]

Is she in that "new love" phase where everything is lovey dovey no matter what?
Cause the "new love" phase will pass.
And also, I suspect your mother might just feel a little insecure too, if she really ment buisness I would guess she might move to Spain with him in November.
But she seems reluctant to make a BINDING commitment.

You say she's started to talk about marriage, is this only talk or does she seem serious?

Try to get all the family members who feel the same as you with you and talk to her all at the same time.
There might be a danger here she does not see.
After all, the relationship seems fairly new, and sometimes people are not at all what they seem to be.

I hope thinsg work out and your mother starts seeing him for what he really is.
:hugz:

Blessings to you and your family.
I hope all goes well.

Well, the marriage thing was actually about money!!! My mom has never been a money or "must have this" type of person, shes always made do, but since shes met him, shes starting to get like that.

See, IF she does sell the house when she moves, she was thinking of marrying him,incase something happens so then she is entitled to some of the money and plus they will be doing a business over there by buying and selling houses,so she will also be working with him. And if they split or he passes over, she doesn't want to have done all that work and be left with nothing, so if she was to marry him, she'd be entitled to some. I think thats the main reason she'd get married. As she always said she would NEVER marry again after my dad.

Also like i said in the previous post, my bf also thinks that once the new romance phase has passed, that is when he will really pee her off and when she finally gets fed up of him.

Thank you for your advice too, it's much appreciated :)

[djmixon]

Unfortunately, I think this is a cultural thing. . .and as for entitlement, she needs to check the laws carefully. . .and never ever sign anything. . .

[LadyTrinity]

My mom did this too.. When she was with her last man she told me she would make sure she was home on weekends because I was sooo close to being due and I didnt have a car to get to the hospital. Well she ended uo taking off all the time.. During the end when I had bad pains and bleeding and finally went into labour... I had to rely on my neighbour :eyebrow:

[FaerieGothMommy]

My mom did this too.. When she was with her last man she told me she would make sure she was home on weekends because I was sooo close to being due and I didnt have a car to get to the hospital. Well she ended uo taking off all the time.. During the end when I had bad pains and bleeding and finally went into labour... I had to rely on my neighbour :eyebrow:

uh oh! Well, if i think i am in labour, and i cannot contact her, then i will just call the hospital, if they tell me to go in, i'd call an ambulance.
But, she also said she'd make sure she takes her mobile with her everywhere. But im so peed off shes gone to spain for 2 weeks so close to my due date, you know?

[Jenne]

:hugz: I think Jaroson's advice is good...try to be the "bigger one" here and take the high road. If you bitch to your mom about how bad her bf is, she might dig in her heels and want him all the more. People can be stubborn like that. But if you show yourself her ally, willing to support her and listen to her no matter what, she may soon be turning to you when things in that relationship crumble (from what you describe, that sounds like a "when" rather than an "if").

As to her being there when the baby is born, I'd take her to lunch, sit her down, and get a firm commitment from her by looking her in the eye. Once she's done that, it will be very hard for her to choose her boyfriend over her daughter and new grandchild, kwim?

Good luck Sweetie, as you deal with this. I don't envy you one bit--it's a hard task, getting along with people's choices that you can't support...more :hugz:

[soilsigh aingeal]

:hugz: This guy doesn't sound good at all, sounds like a control freak. I hope that she's there for you when you have your baby, my mom went to Florida two weeks before I was due with my daughter and I was afraid she wouldn't be there with me.

[Pesha]

Oh sorry Ducks, that is a dilemma for you. I hope your Mum will beable to be there when the baby comes. The thing is that right now as she is so enamoured of this bloke, well she might not be able to see as clearly as she should. Give her time and support her as she goes along. She will need you if it breaks up. Call her for every little ache or pain. I would do that for sure. But I am evil heehee. HUGS and love are sent to you hun.

BB
DS.

[Tarotboy4]

:ugh: hmm personally I say that for now you should follow the advice all ready given to you, but if something dosen't change about this guys attitude I say you talk to your ma about the guy, or talk to the guy and tell him how you feel. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't but It might help if they know how you feel. That's my two cents anways, hope it helps

[MoonDust]

:hugz:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way doll. Especially now you should be resting and trying to be as calm as possible.


Also, i hate the way he puts down my family.
This is the clincher for me. My way of seeing it is if you can't get along with my family you can't get along with me. Family's a part of us.

There's a difference between family & relatives. Relatives are people you share blood with but have no/bad relations with. Family's your heart.

[Shanti]

If their are more people than just you that feel this way can all of you at the same time talk to her?
If several are pointing out suspisions, maybe hers eyes will open.
Just a thought.

[blugirrl1]

I hope things work out for you and your mom. her bf sounds like a real creep. everyone gave such good advice.

[Thistle]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Your mom's bf sounds just like my daughter's bf. It's not easy when a beloved family member is in love with someone that all their other family members and friends think is bad news. Someone said love is blind, but in my experience, it's deaf, too. Your mom isn't likely to hear anything about her bf that she doesn't want to believe, even if you tell her. When she finally sees it, and asks herself "What was I thinking?!?", then she'll ask you "Why didn't you tell me?" If several people voiced concerns, she might be more open to hearing it, but maybe not.

Hang in there. Hopefully she'll come to her senses soon.

[WandererInGray]

*hugs* Sorry to hear about the difficult situation, sweetie.
Unfortunately, your mom is an adult and will need to make her own choices on the matter, in my opinion the best recourse for you is to be as supportive as possible for her no matter what choices she is making.

Mostly I wanted to respond to this:


Try to get all the family members who feel the same as you with you and talk to her all at the same time.
There might be a danger here she does not see.
After all, the relationship seems fairly new, and sometimes people are not at all what they seem to be.

Do not, under any circumstances, do this!
I'm speaking from experience on this one. It is the one true way you will alienate your mother and possibly damage your relationship. Not to mention end up doing most of this guy's work for him.

*soft smile* See when I met PB an old friend of mine had a similar reaction. And what she basically did was put all her own fears about our relationship and relationships in general on me at a time when all I needed was for her to be there for me. *shakes head* That's the story in a nutshell, so I'm obviously leaving a lot out. But the point is, she tried to get our mutual friends to "talk some sense" into me.

Thankfully they declined. But she tried anyway, and it ruined our friendship. (Now lucky for me she was wrong about PB. *grins and shrugs* I freely admit she could have been right, just like you could be right about your mom's bf) I don't talk to her anymore or vice versa, it's sad, but I don't have much use for people who try to "save" me or make my decisions for me.

I just needed to share that. :)

[FaerieGothMommy]

Thanks Wanderer, i was actually not up to doing that anyway. I know my mom, and i knew that could possibly ruin our relationship - and like you say, the last thing i want to do is give this guy a helping hand.

I was nearly in tears yesterday about the whole situation, and even andy (my partner) said "it looks like you want to have a good cry" he was right!!
I understand she is an adult though and has to make her own decisions, that is why i feel to useless in the matter. I just want her to make the right decisions.

I don't even want him to be there for my daughters birthday. I feel extremely uncomfortable aorund him, and usually move to a different room when he comes down. But, i don't want to be moving about to different rooms on my daughters birthday to avoid him, i want to make my girls birthday a special day. But, i guess i'll just have to try and do something about that.

He is also the type who thinks he is a genuis at everything, if you try and say something, he will listen in and then correct you afterwards UGH... So annoying!!!!
It's like we were watching a quiz show, he shouts out all the answers (well what he thinks are the answers) and then turns out, he is wrong!! You know what he says, that the people on the quiz show must have got it wrong!
I'm scared that when i have the baby, who i will be breastfeeding, that he'll watch me breastfeed like a hawk, and try to say i am doing it wrong! Thats the sort of thing he'd do! And quite frankly, i do not even want to breastfeed in the same room as him... but again, i suppose i will be the one expected to move into a different room!

I'm sorry guys that i keep ranting on, but it makes me feel better to talk about it. Thanks all that have listened to me moan :)

[Paco]

Sorry to hear that my mom did the same thing when i was younger sp i know were u are comeing from. All i can do is wish u the best and pray for u and give u a hand if u ever need some one to talk to i am here good luck

[Muireannach]

My conspiracy theory:

This all sounds like a power trip to me. He wants the connection between you and your Mother to be fragile so he can more easily take your Mother to Spain. This would explain why he deliberately plans things so she won't meet the new baby and become too attached to you and your child during that time. Considering he is wealthy he is used to having control over things and he would hate to probably not have control over your Mother's life.

Your Mother probably doesn't want to see his flaws as she feels (as older women do) that she probably can't find anyone else so finding a "fixer-upper" may suffice. She will either leave him after awhile or she may put her foot down and try to change things. The thing is, it's her choice and sadly we all have to live with that one inevitable unwanted person at family gatherings. To reject one's "chosen" partner is really to put your relationship on the line with the family member. If it was me I would try to give her advice when she asks and hope that she will see things more clearly soon.

Hope I helped!

[Thistle]

I'm scared that when i have the baby, who i will be breastfeeding, that he'll watch me breastfeed like a hawk, and try to say i am doing it wrong!

If he does, you could always ask him to demonstrate how do it so that you're sure you get it right! :D

[Black RiverWolf]

i don't care if if he a rich bitch (sorry redneck culture phrase) if he were to put down my family he would be out. No one messes with family!! out your foot in his ass. (oops your preggers). hmm but if he feels the need to say that he is better than you and your all the time the dudes a loser. he needs to slightly grow up a bit and grow a pair of his own (sorry mean redneck thing again). sounds like all that the guy has to enjoy in hi life is his money and making others bend to his will (cracks whip). i was always taught to stand on my own and i had to learn the hard way how to do that but it was worth it in the long run. if mom can't see what going on then hes already gotten claws into her. and if she chooses to go to spain rather than be there for the birth of her grandchild id have to tell my own mother to bugger off. i was taught the no matter what my family came first. but if you look at it a different way your mom might have a different veiw on him.
if the marriage thing came up but only because of the money he may have her sign a prenuptual agreement (don't know what you have over the big pond that is the same as that sorry red neck ignorance). that way she won't get squat and she will have spent all that effort to recive nothing in the end. includeing all that she would have sacrificed to get him that far (you going into labor and the new babe). but all in all the guys sounds like a total and complete assanie fool that should be strung up by his toenails and and whipped with spagehtti noodles. sorry nicest thing i could end it with. love and hugs babe

[Golden Princess]

When he heads off to Spain without her, he won't have as much control over her. She might see the light. Here's hoping.

Love and hugs

[FaerieGothMommy]

When he heads off to Spain without her, he won't have as much control over her. She might see the light. Here's hoping.

Love and hugs

Yeh.... He did keep going out alot on his own, to go sort things out over there, like buying the new plot of land and getting the other properties ready to sell. But, he is asking my mom even more to go with him, like when he asked her to go this November, this was just for another holiday though, but seen as though shes had to pay for herself everytime she can't afford to go in November.

But she told me, she'd like to spend christmas in Spain with him, which i'm peed off about, but hey... what can i do? ....

I'm just trying to forget about him right now while they are in Spain (even though hes taken my mom) ... and we will see how things go, but it's getting the point where i think i'll snap at him if he says anything wrong.

Thanks everyone for all the support, you've been a great help! It's nice to know i have people here to rant to about this, it feels better getting it off my chest!

[Golden Princess]

Hon, doing your block at him is exactly what he wants, he can then use it against you. Explain to your mum that you love her and want the best for her but that you can't help but feel jealous because you need her too at the moment.

And don't think for one minute that he's better than you - money to some people is just a crux - they think it empowers them but we know different.

love and hugs