Lack of sleep makes me see this as making sense

[Yvonne Belisle]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.

[Merrie]

Mwaaaa.
*blinks sleepless bloodshot eyes*
Makes sense to me.

*breaks into hysterical and raucous laughter. Then stops and stares.*

[Yvonne Belisle]

How about this one?

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points
to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The
parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so
much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows
how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that
this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other
parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win
any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the
third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say,
this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do
a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

[Yvonne Belisle]

Computer Credit Card Processing Fiasco



In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he
owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he
received another and threw that one away too. The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating
they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00
by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the
problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd
take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that
he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there
were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous
predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card
had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer
error once again and said that they would take care of it. The
next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous
day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play
the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement.
It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at
all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the
bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY
checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for
$0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit
card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now
owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return
of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.

[Merrie]

Erm.
Lack of sleep is making me see that as...totally over my head. I don't get it. But...parrots are funny.

[loopy]

8O LOL!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D Loved all three. :D:D:D

[Yvonne Belisle]

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became
completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all
day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the
husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one
day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy
chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of
its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a
special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate,
he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury
attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful
forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird!
The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing
will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa
guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a
surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

[loopy]

Ha! :D:D:D

[Yvonne Belisle]

The Top 16 Things You Don't Want to Hear at the Pearly Gates

16> "You stuck a knife in the toaster? Boy you *are* a doofus."

15> "Before we go on, you might want to change into something a
little less flammable."

14> "Bet you're regretting all those Falwell jokes now, aren't
you, Mr. White?"

13> "Hey, Saint Augustine! Saint Ignatius! Look! It's Gary,
the kid who peed all over himself during the 1982 Kennedy
Elementary School Christmas pageant!"

12> "Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote that 'Who Let the Dogs Out'
thing? God's been waiting for *you*."

11> "I can't let you in because God doesn't believe you exist."

10> "Price check! Carnal knowledge of a trained seal."

9> "Take a seat. It'll be a few minutes -- God's helping a high
school football team in Texas."

8> "Just because Moses didn't write down 'Thou shalt honor Pauly
Shore' doesn't make it God's fault."

7> "Oh, I wouldn't worry about the heat -- the fall will
probably kill you."

6> "Okay, so you're a nice guy. Now watch as I flip to the page
containing the number of people executed while you were
Governor of Texas."

5> "Menudo? Oh, yeah... the Boss has been keeping a close eye
on you folks."

4> "You donated your organs? Sorry, you're going to need those!
Wait in the foyer until ALL your parts are here."

3> "Jeez, this can't be right... *how* many times did you m*********?!"

2> "Boy, Aquinas is gonna be tweaked at this one. He had $50 bucks
riding on your humanist-based moral code doing you in, when all along it
was incident with the goat and the tequila."

and the Number 1 Thing You
Don't Want to Hear at the Pearly Gates...

1> "Security!!!"

[Yvonne Belisle]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at
their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says
she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most
aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your
life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or
the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac
STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to
sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the
decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

[loopy]

Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote that 'Who Let the Dogs Out'
thing? God's been waiting for *you*."

:D:D:D:D

Where do you get these things? :D

[Yvonne Belisle]

Some Less Famous Proverbs......

1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. : :

2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. : :

3. A day without sunshine is like ... night. : :

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers. : :

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. : :

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. : :

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. : :

8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. : :

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. : :

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. : :

11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted then used against you. : :

12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. : :

13. Honk if you love peace & quiet. : :

14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular? : :

15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. : :

16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living. : :

17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. : :

19. You can't have everything, where would you put it? : :

20. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population. : :

21. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by
those who got there first. : :

22. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. : :

23. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. : :

24. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. : :

25. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. : :

26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

[Yvonne Belisle]

I get them in my email:) Fun stuff huh? You should see what I can't post:eek:

[SimplyStrange]

ROTFLMAO!!

I loved them! They're great! Especially the drunk one...

No ociffer...I only had ti martoonies!

[Sowelu]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.

LMAO:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Yvonne Belisle]

Talk about raising the dead! LMAO If you like this stuff find a song called Viagra in the water. You will be rolling.

[WitchJezebel]

Those are hilarious!

[Sowelu]

Talk about raising the dead! LMAO If you like this stuff find a song called Viagra in the water. You will be rolling.
Where would I find it?

[Yvonne Belisle]

I think it is on a dr demento cd but don't know which one. You can also search online I think it is by Camile West but I am not sure.

[soilsigh aingeal]

:rollingla

[forestrangergrrl]

ROFLMAO!!!!
ohhhh, man....... *snickers*