Am I Controlling?? :(

[LadyTrinity]

For example.. I will say "Hun don't leave the comp monitor on if your not using the comp because it's a waste of hydro (which we pay) Or I will say.. "Hun you dont need the lights on in the house during the day" He will say.. "Don't tell me what to do!" And Im taken back by his lack of respect for the way he talks to me sometimes. I do not make him clean... nor do chores.. or cook.. or anything.. and if something simple needs to be done he thinks Im telling him what to do.. asking him doesnt get anywhere.. and when I tell him to do something im very nice about it as well.

He thinks if he gives in (which he calls it) that im gona run his life.. because of his past marriage and her control of him. However I do not whip him.. he is just stubborn. He tells me not to tell him what to do but he tells me what to do ALL THE TIME! He will say... " Rise the dishes before sticking them in the sink, and if I want to do something he will say "just leave it". I dont think its fair.. but he thinks im this controlling person and I want to know if u all think its true. If it is I will change my ways. :whatmewor

[Faeawyn]

Men can be such confusing animals :lol: I think sometimes, it's all in the way things are worded. Perhaps instead you could say, "Hon...do you need this light? If not, I think I'll turn it off to save power" Then it won't be you telling him what to do and he'll catch on the next time he leaves the lights on :hehehehe: You have to be very subtle with men....you have to make them think it was their idea....even when it was actually yours :lol:

[LadyTrinity]

Men can be such confusing animals :lol: I think sometimes, it's all in the way things are worded. Perhaps instead you could say, "Hon...do you need this light? If not, I think I'll turn it off to save power" Then it won't be you telling him what to do and he'll catch on the next time he leaves the lights on :hehehehe: You have to be very subtle with men....you have to make them think it was their idea....even when it was actually yours :lol:


Ahhhh hmm ok lol. I will try this! :lol:

[Rockprincess]

well, we obviously don't know his side of the story, but it sounds to me like he's got one set of rules for him and one set of rules for you. Have you talked to him about it? Pointed out examples? Using "I" statments?

ie.

"I feel like you are telling me what to do when you say "Rinse the dishes". It makes me frustrated"
"I see my comments to you as reminders, and I feel hurt when you respond by saying "Don't tell me what to do"

You need to phrase it in "I" statements so he can tell you what he is thinking, rather than feeling like you are accusing him or something.

[dragonspirit 69]

This sounds alot like my ex and me before I got out . But mine took things a whole lot further. He even got mad if I talked to my sister. I hope that you and him can work things out but please keep an eye on it.

[LadyTrinity]

well, we obviously don't know his side of the story, but it sounds to me like he's got one set of rules for him and one set of rules for you. Have you talked to him about it? Pointed out examples? Using "I" statments?

ie.

"I feel like you are telling me what to do when you say "Rinse the dishes". It makes me frustrated"
"I see my comments to you as reminders, and I feel hurt when you respond by saying "Don't tell me what to do"

You need to phrase it in "I" statements so he can tell you what he is thinking, rather than feeling like you are accusing him or something.


Yep. He tells me that he tells me what to do because "things need to get done" So I say.. "then why cant I do it to u.. " and he replies " I don't like to be told what to do period! You know thats my thing so dont talk about it anymore. " Hmmm :foh:

[Phoenix Snowrose]

you're husband sounds like my ex-brother-in-law. I think he's trying to make you feel bad for trying to help him with his laziness. From what I've seen things can only get better or worse. Also it all has to do with how you say it...if you scream at him to turn the lights off, I could see why he'd be so disrespectful. But if you're the one saying it nice and gently, then he's the butthole for treating you so bad.

[LadyTrinity]

This sounds alot like my ex and me before I got out . But mine took things a whole lot further. He even got mad if I talked to my sister. I hope that you and him can work things out but please keep an eye on it.


wow! sounds like my man.. he gets mad when my mom calls.. hmmm.. why is my man so broken? :eyebrow: Anyone got make a man perfect fixer uper glue on hand ????

[Boogins]

No, you're not controlling. He is. He's the one with all the privileges, obviously, and he doesn't wan't you to cut into them.

Be careful, hon, be very careful.

[LadyTrinity]

cute kitty sig Boogins

[Boogins]

Thanks. :)

[Kadynas]

For example.. I will say "Hun don't leave the comp monitor on if your not using the comp because it's a waste of hydro (which we pay) Or I will say.. "Hun you dont need the lights on in the house during the day" He will say.. "Don't tell me what to do!" And Im taken back by his lack of respect for the way he talks to me sometimes. I do not make him clean... nor do chores.. or cook.. or anything.. and if something simple needs to be done he thinks Im telling him what to do.. asking him doesnt get anywhere.. and when I tell him to do something im very nice about it as well.

He thinks if he gives in (which he calls it) that im gona run his life.. because of his past marriage and her control of him. However I do not whip him.. he is just stubborn. He tells me not to tell him what to do but he tells me what to do ALL THE TIME! He will say... " Rise the dishes before sticking them in the sink, and if I want to do something he will say "just leave it". I dont think its fair.. but he thinks im this controlling person and I want to know if u all think its true. If it is I will change my ways. :whatmewor
I think he's allowing his past relationship experience cloud his view of you... it seems to me he thinks that all women will control him if "he lets them". It's a defense mechanism. However, /you're/ not the one who controlled him, so you shouldn't be the one to suffer for it. I'd tell him straight out "I'm not your ex; you'll /know/ when I'm trying to control you!" :lol: Okay maybe not that, but I'd /definitely/ say that you're not his ex and that you refuse to be judged based on what /she/ did to him. I don't think you're controlling... I'm way more of a nag than you've been! :lol:

[{Tigress}]

Have you asked him how to get the things done that need to be done without coming across in a controlling manner to him? If not, pick a netural time (when you're NOT needing anything done) and ask him to show you an approach to things like turning out the lights, etc, that doesn't threaten him.

And don't let him talk to you like that. Throw as big of fit as he does when you do it -- they're thick headed, but eventually they'll get the hint.

[MerrisHawk]

This is supposed to be your best friend, not your roommate.
Communication is first, can you talk to each other about your problems?
He needs to hear you say that you are his equal, not his doormat. If he's so uptight about rinsing the dishes he just got himself a new job.
He may see your comments as directives because of his past, time to discover the difference between you and his ex. If he doesn't do anything you ask he's hardly "under your control". He's reversing the situation and trying to be controlling, maybe a self-preservation issue.
Talk. If he can't talk there's a problem. If he can't see you as his best friend and the person he loves most then there's more wrong than just control issues.

[Krysta]

Men can be such confusing animals :lol: :
"Aint that the truth!!"
Krysta

[Chaos Witch]

No you're norm and quite reasonable. Who likes to pay for something they don't have to? He sounds spoiled.

[soilsigh aingeal]

I think you're quite normal and in my opinion, he sounds like he is still having issues about his ex. I agree with the others about making it clear that you are not her and try to get some communication going. I don't know how long it's been but maybe he's just on a little power trip from being out of that relationship and onto the one that the two of you are in now. It needs to be communicated ASAP, you can not let this continue because I personally don't believe it will get any better by sitting back and not doing anything about it, he could very well turn into someone like his ex. :hugz:

[{Tigress}]

If he's so uptight about rinsing the dishes he just got himself a new job.


Merris, all of your post was good, but THIS was priceless. That needs to be a tagline in a sig. LOL

[FaerieGothMommy]

No, you don't sound controlling to me at all, if your controlling, then i must be a control freak!
I'm the same as you, i tell my SO to switch things off when hes not using them, or to put things away after his finished with it, thats not asking for much and it's certainly not controlling in my books, especially if you don't ask him to clean & cook!

Controlling to me is where you try to take over, don't beat yourself up about it hun, you sound just fine to me!

[Cappy]

Wow. I think he needs to grow up a bit no? If he says "your not the boss of me" I think I'm going to die laughing.
Make it clear that you are not his ex and that you can't do every thing on your own. Your not telling him what to do, your asking him to do something, theres a difference. If he can't handle that, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a maid.

[Black RiverWolf]

Whoo hoo another case of a three year old in a mans body. just ask him why its such a big deal if ou ask him to do things around the home once in a while he lives there too.

[morrigen]

The only control freak in this equasion is your husband.

From your post, it seems as if he is teetering on the edge of abuse. Obviouusly, I don't know the whole situation, but I recognise the speech patterns...and the "red flag" issues.

I believe this man may be walking all over you. It doesn't have to be that way.

[9-2-2]

It sounds like the control dramas are being played by you and your husband. A lot of times, you won't even realize what you're doing - heck, I'm a control freak, I know it, and I'm trying my damndest to change it. To your husband, you sound like a nag (whether or not you are), and your husband is obviously guilt-tripping the hell out of you. Next time he tries to guilt trip you, DON'T confront him. Just ask, "Honey, why are you saying that?" or "Honey, why are you trying to use a guilt-trip on me?"

[WynterWynd]

You sound entirley normal to me hun. But be careful, I was married to a controlling brat-in-a-mans-body a loooooooong time ago. It ended up being a very abusive relationship. Some of them just never get over the me-me-me-mine-mine-mine of their juvinile years and never grow up:(

Be safe hun:hugz:

[AnaRQy]

Your original post doesn't sound very "controlling" to me. His reaction to what you say may be a direct correlation to the way you say it, so you'll need to watch that.

Avoid sounding like his mother, so you don't make him feel like a kid when you say it. Maybe he had a problem with his mother or was always told "do this/do that" and he's sick of hearing it? If things are phrased in a way that's respectful to him and sound less like nagging, maybe he'd meet you halfway and you'd get the desired behavior?

Just phrase these things to him like you would say them to your parents, not your kids, and that would be a good start. Sorry if I offended you, just giving a "husband" opinion since you asked for opinions.

[~*Ginger*~]

I was wondering why no one had mentioned his mother...
What's she like?
Is he an only child, or what place does he hold, in the number of children? (Oldest, Middle, Youngest)

i couldn't help but think from the beginning that it has more to do with his mother, than his ex.
Most of the time, we are attracted to someone who reminds us, in some way of one of our parents...

Sounds like he's been caught up in this 'control' game for quite awhile.

To me, it is sensible, to turn off anythng that is not in use, it cuts down on waste, and saves you money in the long run.
Does he like money?
If he turns off the lights (or whatever) he's saving money to go spend on something else!

Also do you feel like, or notice that you use alot of 'DON'T' with him?
When we say don't, it's not really heard.

If you say,
"Don't forget to pick up bread on your way home."
What happens?
No bread!

you don't hear 'don't'.
You hear
"forget to pick up bread on your way home."

If you feel you need to use a don't, instead, because of above phsycology, use the words, DO NOT.
(not yelling or screaming here, just trying to make the point...)

People hear the do not, rather than the don't.

"Do not forget to pick up bread on your way home."
More than likely you'll have your bread.

See?

And remember when your dealing with most men, they like to be the "BOSS", that's their job.
If your not letting them do their job of being boss, they feel emasculated.
Even if that's not what your intentions are.
That's how they 'feel'.

You do have to talk in little hints, and then some few months later, they have the most wonderful idea come to mind, from the little seed you've planted.

When this happens, you pat them on the back, rub their tummy, and tell them how wonderful, & amazingly smart they are to come up with such a grand idea!

And then let them have it, as their own!
If it makes them happy, your gonna be even more happier.

[mol]

Ugh, well...some of the comments on 'men' in this thread are pretty crappy, imo. I will let you have mine. WHen I first read your post I thought you were talking about your son until you got to the marriage part.

Does that tell you anything?

[{Tigress}]

Ugh, well...some of the comments on 'men' in this thread are pretty crappy, imo. I will let you have mine. WHen I first read your post I thought you were talking about your son until you got to the marriage part.

Does that tell you anything?

I was with you, in that. But, as I read on, I noticed she said that she had tried asking instead of "suggesting", but that didn't work either. Hence my advice to try to talk to him to find out how she could approach him without setting him off.

So, I'll turn that question to you AnaRQy both, since you've been kind enough to give us a male's perspective. How could/do your S.O's get you to do things like, turn off a light that's not in use or pick up your socks, or let the dog out -- without coming across as a nag?

[mol]

I was with you, in that. But, as I read on, I noticed she said that she had tried asking instead of "suggesting", but that didn't work either. Hence my advice to try to talk to him to find out how she could approach him without setting him off.

So, I'll turn that question to you AnaRQy both, since you've been kind enough to give us a male's perspective. How could/do your S.O's get you to do things like, turn off a light that's not in use or pick up your socks, or let the dog out -- without coming across as a nag?
All Semele needs to do is ask.

[{Tigress}]

So any suggestions for Lady T since asking isn't working for her?

And I'm sure Semele is very pleased that all it takes is asking, unless of course she has to ask every time. LOL (Sorry, couldn't resist! :p )

[mol]

So any suggestions for Lady T since asking isn't working for her?

And I'm sure Semele is very pleased that all it takes is asking, unless of course she has to ask every time. LOL (Sorry, couldn't resist! :p )
Well, I dunno if I have any. All I know is that it sounds like a LOT of the time she is treating him like a little kid. So, if she is catering to his laziness what can we really do about it?

Stop doing doing stuff for him and make him do it himself.

[Kyra Kismet]

You sound just like my stepmum! Don't worry if you didn't do it he would miss it and worry about you!

[{Tigress}]

Well, I dunno if I have any. All I know is that it sounds like a LOT of the time she is treating him like a little kid. So, if she is catering to his laziness what can we really do about it?

Stop doing doing stuff for him and make him do it himself.

I can understand what you're saying and agree with you in that she treats him like a child when she nags, but isn't he acting like one? Why would he even NEED to be reminded to conserve power, for instance?

And "making him do it himself" doesn't get the light turned out whatever else may need doing. This may be "nit-picky" in your (or his mind), but to her, these things very real (because she's thinking like an adult and not a child) -- wasted power means a higher electric bill whichs eats in to what may be an already too tight budget.

[mol]

I can understand what you're saying and agree with you in that she treats him like a child when she nags, but isn't he acting like one? Why would he even NEED to be reminded to conserve power, for instance?

And "making him do it himself" doesn't get the light turned out whatever else may need doing. This may be "nit-picky" in your (or his mind), but to her, these things very real (because she's thinking like an adult and not a child) -- wasted power means a higher electric bill whichs eats in to what may be an already too tight budget.
Maybe he is acting like one because he has always been treated like one. Remember the 'two wrongs dont make a right' addage? Well, for the most part, its true. If you want to conserve power then turn of the lights when one is on that doesnt need to be on. But to EXPECT someone else to do it and scold them when they dont isnt going to help anything. All it will do is make both parties a little more bitter. Compromise is always the better solution, but that would take both parties involved to actually talk rather than one of them trying to find an answer from a bunch of people far removed from the situation.

Thats my advice. If it helps, it helps. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

[{Tigress}]

Compromise is always the better solution, but that would take both parties involved to actually talk rather than one of them trying to find an answer from a bunch of people far removed from the situation.

Thats my advice. If it helps, it helps. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

Yep once again, you're right, there. It does go right back to communication between the two of them, which is usually the best answer to just about any relationship issue.

[WynterWynd]

Communication always works best when it isn't being met with an argument or pissy attitude from the other party involved. But sometimes that 'you catch more flies with honey' idea doesn't always work. Sometimes you can change your tone and actions every which way possible and the other party is still going be an ass. I've been there, I tried it, it didn't work.
If she has already tried changing the way she approaches him....on any subject, and she is still met with the opposing crabby 'I won't do it' attitude, then maybe he needs to talk to a proffesional aobut what causing his combative attitude.
................and maybe find someone else to make that suggestion to him also.