Cant Get Him Out of My Mind

[Amethyst Rose]

Okay...for the third time.... the baby keeps grabbing the keyboard and erasing my post.

When I was 16 I fell in love. We met at a camp for creative writing. He was one year older than me. My parents hated them, and I never really knew why, he was always the perfect gentleman with them. However he could be very cruel to me. I think he was borderline emotionally abusive. He never came out and said "you suck" but he would make little jibes at things I was sensative about, like my weight (he would cajole me into weighing myself and then just give me a look when he saw the number). When he went to a concert where I had a solo, he just gave me a look when I asked how I was. He was also very critical of everything important to me...my family, my friends, even my dog wasn't smart enough. It got to the point that the only thing perfect in my life was him.
He was my first sexual relationship, but he wasn't my first, that had happend years earlier. Every time we got together we'd have sex...we learned from each other and experimented with each other.
We were together for 8 months. He left me so he could go out with a girl that he always wanted to go out with -- and yes he told me that. In fact, he told me at the beginning of the relationship that he was in love with this other girl, and he mentioned it throughout the relationship.
I was so mad that that was the reason he left me that I acted out. I cut myself for sympathy (the first and only time I ever did that). I told him that I was pregnant, again for attention, I told him that I was being stalked. He was the lead in a play I directed (I convinced him to try out), and I tried to seduce him on numerous occasions. Finally, we got in a big fight (he didn't like my telling him what to do, but I was the director, that was my job). The last thing he said to me was "if you weren't such a bitch, I'd listen." The last thing I said to him was "if you weren't such an @$$hole I wouldn't have to be such a bitch." (Yay! I won the fight!).

Anyway, here we are, 10 years after we first met, and I still cant' get him out of my head!! I think about him on a weekly basis....what it would be like if I saw him again,what he's doing with his life, where he is, or I just remember being in the relationship.

I'm very very happily married now, so what's wrong with me? Why can I get the guy out of my head?

[LadyTrinity]

Forget the past and devote your life to your family. They are what matters now! :thumbsup:

[Kyra Kismet]

(((((((hugs)))))))) the present is important, the past is unchangable, is future is mouldable!

[Shanti]

I worrie that you are clinging to the past for some reason. Is there something about that time line that you dont have now? Maybe even the stimulus of the chase and competition. I may be way off but 10 yrs and a baby and hubby later, makes me think that you may feel your lacking somewhere. If I am way off here, please excuse me. I hope you find the answers. ~Hugs~

[Amethyst Rose]

That's the problem. I can't forget...I've tried. And every time he comes into my head again it's soo frustrating. UHG!!

[mucgwyrt]

Perhaps, underneath it all, you dont feel that you won, or you dont feel you had closure.
I wouldn't know how to go about getting it though... track him down and find out what a jerk he still is? :whatgives:

[Terestai]

Sometimes there are just people - I think we all have them in our lives - that never go away. They stick with us through the years, no matter how brief your encounter with them, and no matter where you end up in life. We may never know why they do, but they do. Was it a certain mannerism, their tone of voice, their aura, ,their smile? Or was it our own frame of mind at the time we met them?

Whatever it may be, it happens. I'd say that it's perfectly natural. Don't take these special people out of your heart, because if your heart is big enough, there's room for everyone you care about - whether it's today orr 20 years ago.


EDIT - I'm a stickler for spelling, but my stupid keyboard at work tends to stick. :damnpc:

[Phoenix Blue]

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? **Frowns** It sounds like you were used and abused, and that can leave some pretty deep scars. Since they obviously still hurt, you should seek a professional to help you work through this situation.

[Amethyst Rose]

I worrie that you are clinging to the past for some reason. Is there something about that time line that you dont have now?

I have no idea. It would make sense if I'd met my husband right after this guy, but I had many other relationships and it's always been the same. Maybe it was the newness...the thrill of experimentation and a sex filled realtionship.

[Athena-Nadine]

I agree with Phoenix. Hurt often leaves a longer lasting impression than happiness. You may have been hurt deeper than you ever realized, and that may be why you can't get the memory of him out of your mind. Sometimes we carry feelings so long and so deeply that we don't even know they're there anymore.

[Xander67]

Okay...for the third time.... the baby keeps grabbing the keyboard and erasing my post.


See :fprtyman4

even the Baby agrees...

I have a suggestion...
you have a nice memory there, and whenever thoughts of him enter your mind,
walk over to your baby, and Kiss him/her on thier forehead and say "Mommy loves you very much"

and then let your mind dwell on the fact you are happy now... and how blessed you are to have those wonderful memories.

[Kyra Kismet]

Maybe because of the sex, and him being cruel, you still associate that aspect of your life with heart ache...or maybe you are expecting your husband to turn out like him....I don't know! i shouldn't give relationship advice..Ive never had one!

[mucgwyrt]

See :fprtyman4

even the Baby agrees...

I have a suggestion...
you have a nice memory there, and whenever thoughts of him enter your mind,
walk over to your baby, and Kiss him/her on thier forehead and say "Mommy loves you very much"

and then let your mind dwell on the fact you are happy now... and how blessed you are to have those wonderful memories.

Oh Bless, aren't you lovely?? What a beautiful idea!

[Terestai]

:bigredblu :bigredblu :bigredblu

Well now... aren't I an idiot? Never mind my original post. I'm so tired I can't read today. :geez: Special people do stick with us though. That part I meant. But everyone is right. Sometimes hurt lingers longer. As much as I love my stepmother now, I can never seem to get past the beatings we got as children. And as much as my ex-fiance damaged me psychologically before becoming so emboldened by her psychologist that she could dump me for a guy she knew for three days, I still think about her. Recently, I just moved and ran across old letters from her. They made me cry, and it's been six years since we broke up.

The mind is just a complex thing... and if any of us could explain exactly how it works, we'd be billionaires!

[Amethyst Rose]

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? **Frowns** It sounds like you were used and abused, and that can leave some pretty deep scars. Since they obviously still hurt, you should seek a professional to help you work through this situation.

No...never talked with anyone, because I've always thought it was normal. Do you really think that I was actually abused? I've always told myself that I was exagerating when I'd refer to it like that.

[{Tigress}]

First, I would highly suggest, as was suggested before, that you go get some professional counselling. There may be more here than meets the eye. With that said, let me pass along some advice I got from my own therapist years ago, when I was going through something quite similar -- perhaps it can help you as much as it helped me. :)

Give yourself permission to think about him. Once a day, twice a day, whatever. Set aside a specific length of time (I used to allow myself to think about "him" on my commute to and from work). Just set aside some time when it's really okay to let your mind go. Then, during the rest of the day, set aside any stray thoughts of him and "save" them for your allowed time. I KNOW this sounds silly, but I think if you tried this for even one week, you'd start to notice a change (I won't tell you what happened to me because I don't want to put any expectations in your mind).

[Nighthawk]

So much good advice...PB, Xander, others... and if you were to meet this person again you might hate him, and that would help...but it is dangerous, for it could ruin your present marriage... tough steps. I wish you the best.

[soilsigh aingeal]

No...never talked with anyone, because I've always thought it was normal. Do you really think that I was actually abused? I've always told myself that I was exagerating when I'd refer to it like that.
This is the type of abuse that I had experienced with my ex, aside from many other things, but I just wanted to say that it is abuse, and point out that maybe your parents saw this and maybe that's why they didn't like him. Maybe it would help you to talk to your mom or dad and ask them, if they remember, why they didn't like him. There are many things about your past experience that you could be thinking so much of this. You could be scared that your husband will turn out this way, it could be closure, etc. Talking with someone may help. :hugz: