Depression help, please?

[aftershocked]

I hate to do this, but I'm outta options. People keep insisting that I talk to them, but none of them understand. I need someone who gets me.

I recently got in a major fight with my best friend/other half/ soul mate, who also has a rather strong empathic connection to me. Said fight ended in a fistfight with her boyfriend. It really shook me, emotionally and empathically, to the point where I've been panickey (On a 1-10 scale, at about a 8-10) for the past 3 days. It's now to the point where I can hardly breathe, because of this I can't eat, or sleep, and I'm under constant supervision so I don't.. do something drastic. I've been severely depressed, almost to the point of suicide, for a long time now, and I'm really running outta steam. You guys are the only ones I have to talk to now.. and I really need some good mojo to try and get me back on the ups. I've done this before.. but it's never lasted this long, or this bad. I.. yeah.

[treefae]

please get up and make yourself a nice hot cup of tea or cocoa-your choice-i like sleepytime or jasmine or chocolate mint cocoa, force yourself to drink it,put on some music or a movie you are familiar with.wrap up in a blanket and relax pm me if you want to talk about it, but put the water on a nice hot drink will calm your nerves.have you been eating?

[aftershocked]

I've been trying to get down pretzels and the like, easy-on-the-stomach things.. I think I will do that though. I'm just getting a little... out of it, I guess. I'm so used to pretending to be fine that admitting I'm struggling is one of the major problems (damn capricorn nature!) I just.. need to be around people right now. It's odd, but I feel a lot better off around people; like they'll stop me if I get too bad. I'm just.. really alone right now. Everyone else is asleep (it's 12:30am here) and I have a feeling this'll be night 2 of no sleep. I feel like if I go be by myself, I'll start having an attack again.. and I'm just really off. Thanks for the offer, I think I'm going to take you up on it. I don't know why this is getting to me.. I just wanna :collapse:

[treefae]

hon you gotta eat and get better so you can think straight and get your friend back.you sound like you feel horribly guilty and upset.try not to beat yourself up fights happen in life it is totally normal,nobody is perfect.my usual cool down time is a week.

[aftershocked]

This fight's been going on for a month, constant high-school type drama over a Romeo-and-Juliet style love affair that has my friend going to bad lengths for this guy. I was ignored (and harassed by the boy) so I stopped talking to her. But she keeps pestering me and refuses to believe that her Prince Charming would do anything like this. And I'm getting very upset because she's changing and losing all her morals for him. Plus, she expects me to do the same. Not only this, but in desparation I tried to apologise to her a couple of days ago (during an attack, no less) and she yelled at me and hung up the phone on me. Which put me is an even worse state.

The thing is, I don't know if I want her back. After all we've been through, while she was yelling at me she tells me she was lying the whole time and that this 'new personality' is really her. And if that's true I don't have it in me to stick it out. But I'm afraid to let it go because she's one of the few IRL friends that know everthing about me- religion and sexuality wise. And although I know she's not the type to tell, I feel like I'd be losing a major outlet for all of my troubles (This isn't really a new thing, I have manic depression and generalized anxiety).

I should have been more clear as far as the eating. I have eaten meals, one or two good meals a day, just not nearly as much as I usually do, and not because I'm hungry, just outta habit. (Funny thing is, doubt I could really go this long without food. It's a comfort thing).

This is really helping, talking and all. You're a great soul, listening to my ranting like this... :(

[treefae]

sounds typical of how an abusive boyfriend/relationship can change some people.if he's isolating her she might be taking it out on you cuz she doesn't want to lose him.it might be a sign there is something wrong with the dramatic change,i don't believe her when she said it's the new her.why does she want this guy so bad?you always take things out on the people closest to you.friends usually stick around longer than boyfriends so we pick up the slack sometimes.if this guy is a loser i would stick by her,just on the sidelines right now.i'd make the point known that she could do better than a guy that would drive away her friends.she sounds insecure why doesn't she respect herself more with men.does her parents know this jerk was abusing her?as for depression hormones can do crazy things with your head at that age.totally normal,wouldn't fight it,just recognize it and learn to live with it.trust me it can get worse when you have babies.yep being a female is complicated and can suck.try not to think too deep that you have head problems.blame it on the bod tell people around you how you are feeling and make jokes about it.trust me older woman can relate better teens might not always.i would pay close attention to your cycles and how you are feeling.

[uisce_beatha]

I've been there myself. Just keep breathing, keep knives away (out of the room!) and start a project that keeps your mind focused on that. You'll be okay. It will take a while, but you will get through this, and once you do, you'll be a better person for it. Do as the others said and drink some tea to calm you down. Chamomile, catnip, etc. I've been in your place, minus the fistfight. Go to a counsellor if you think you need it (I needed it but never went). If you hurt yourself (cutting, bruising, etc) try having a rubber band on your arm and snapping it to get out the urge. If that makes it worse, throw it away. If you need anything, to talk or vent, email me at uisca_beatha@hotmail.com okay? I know it's weird for a stranger to tell you this, but even if you just feel like bitching and ranting and screaming, send me an email. You don't even have to say hi, or write me one ever again. It always helps me to do write an email.
Keep your head up, man. There's too much beauty in the world to leave it now. I thank god (figure of speech; I don't believe in god) every day that I did not cut too deep (or deep enough, depending on how you look at it.) Just keep breathing.

[HorseCrow]

(((Energy sent)))

[aftershocked]

Thanks all.

To treefae, I have noticed that it does get pretty bad around my cycle, but I'm not in the points in it when I usually get like this. I've always kinda been the outcast; others say it's because I'm more mature than other high-schoolers. I guess that's why I prefer sticking around here than using other boards; people are a lot more mature here. The odd thing is that he was my friend before she started dating him; I'd place the blame on her as much as him for walking out on us (There's a large group of their friends that got ditched in this process, but no one else that I really feel comfortable with). She was always a very independent, confident, beautiful person.. never like this around anyone, let alone guys. That's one of the main reasons I stuck around her, she was such a positive force. But lately she's just so draining and negative all the time, it actually began to physically hurt me last time she was around. Her parents don't know that she spends this much time around him, most of the time she tells them that she's with either me or one of her other friends. I've tried to tell them that she's with him, but they've always been real close so they're inclined to believe her over us(the friends). It's really starting to get to me that I can't help her like she's helped me. She doesn't see that she's turning away from who I know she really is. She really helped me gain a sense of security and independence, and I always used her as a reason to hold on. But now, to see her like this.. it's like a kid finding out that superheroes aren't real. I know I'll get over it sometime, but it's a bit difficult for now, especially while I'm in the middle of my attack (My parents won't let me go anywhere alone for a couple days after a bad one because they know I get very depressed).

[Pesha]

I have had to fight depression myself. And so send you healing light and calm and balance. With love.

BB
DS.

[aftershocked]

That was getting long, figured I'd break it into two posts.

To Uisce:

My parents don't quite get how depressed I get, and they certainly don't know I'm suicidal. I've never gotten bad enough to try it seriously (few bruisings, nothing harmful enough to kill), but I'm getting sick of having to fend off suicidal thoughts all the time. I'm one of the lucky ones I guess, I'm A) afraid of excessive pain and B) too stubborn to allow people to beat me like that. My mentality was always 'If I can stick around and be a pain in the ass for someone else like they've done for me, it's worth it.' :rolleyes: I am definately going to try the rubber band thing.. that's not the first time someone has suggested it to me. I've never been comfortable talking to counsellors, mostly because around here the only counsellors that are available to me are either AA consultants who treat you like an addict, or lay people from my mom's church who constantly tell me to turn to Jesus (I'm in the closet). I know it seems odd that I'd turn to strangers on the internet over real, in-your-face people, but I feel like y'all understand me so much better than people here do.

Well, it seems the worst is over, I had an all-out attack last night (hyperventalation, chest pain, sobbing, depressed horridness). It's horrible to go through, but it always means that I'm close to going back on the up side. I think I'm going to take at least one of you up on your offer to email you, if only to get out all my ranting. But, for now, mom's insisting I get out of the house and deliver flyers with her for my tennis team ( a welcome distraction, I suppose). Thank you all so much, I really appreciate everything you've been doing. It's not quite away yet, but the worst has passed. :huddle:

[Jenne]

:hugz: and energies to get you through the rest of it--depression is hard, I know!

[KaimelarFeylove]

if theres one thing i understand its depession.. i hope things get better for you... im me on aim (same sn as i use here) if you want to talk

[Angelus_Errare]

i understand what youre going through, energy sent!

[treefae]

i'm glad you're feeling better.your parents rock sticking by you.i tried to commit suicide when i was 16 and i was lucky enough to have a friend stop by on her way to work.she had no idea.i would have died.yep hospital whole nine.i would tell your friends parents about that abusive scumbag.i would want to know if someone was mistreating my children.as for your parents try to let them in a little more about what's happening.it sounds like they are trying.yes it's severe but i think they are just concerned about getting you better.mine could have cared less.mine were arguing with each other as to who's fault is was in the hospital room and got kicked out.i'm sorry that your friend isn't around when you need her but it sounds like she needs help too.i'm thinking about you and hope you'll feel better blessed be

[dark one]

engulfs you with blue lite ... when you close your eyes see this lite around you.. this will protect and strengthen you.... sending energy and blue lite

[Hope]

may you find your balance

love
hope

[OriginalWacky]

Well, it seems the worst is over, I had an all-out attack last night (hyperventalation, chest pain, sobbing, depressed horridness). It's horrible to go through, but it always means that I'm close to going back on the up side. I think I'm going to take at least one of you up on your offer to email you, if only to get out all my ranting. But, for now, mom's insisting I get out of the house and deliver flyers with her for my tennis team ( a welcome distraction, I suppose). Thank you all so much, I really appreciate everything you've been doing. It's not quite away yet, but the worst has passed. :huddle:
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard, especially if you don't have anybody around you who really can understand some of what it's like. I say some because nobody can know exactly, even those of us who have similar conditions or circumstances.

I'll add my email to the bunch of you ever want to vent, because it helps immensely. I know that my life has taken a turn for the better since I started writing to someone, or talking to someone about things that are going on, especially when that person doesn't judge. I'm at michele@cauldrons-broomsticks.net (michele@cauldrons-broomsticks.net) if you want, and I can sign onto most any messenger if you need to talk right then, (provided I'm at the puter) and chat with you. (That goes for others as well, I'm open, and have an awesome support group, so it's always good to be able to help others as well.)