Goddess, help me. [Archive] - MysticWicks Online Pagan Community and Spiritual Sanctuary

LadyAutumnCat

August 24th, 2004, 04:49 PM

I had a decent day, but the thoughts and the stresses just keep coming. I feel like I am constantly outside of myself goddess, and fluctuating from positive to negative, only to end in utter confusion with no place to turn. I'm lost in the maze that is my life and I am in utter misery. I try to enjoy, I try to experience, to learn, and to accept that whatever happens there is a plan, there is a goal, there is success, but that is not the case. I always feel like a failure, I do not like to acknowledge that someone might be better than I am. I don't understand, I truly don't. I had so much more confidence before, but now it is shattered. Somewhere in my life I just lost myself, and here I thought I know exactly who I am. In actuality the only thing I know is that I am just not meant to be happy, to win, I am just meant to be another face in the crowd, not special, not important, just crap!!! I don't get it, I see other people living their lives to the fullest, and up to this point my life has just passed me by, I haven't really enjoyed anything lately, well, except for the volunteering, otherwise the entire routine of my life has been empty, valueless and inane. I hate the direction my life has taken, I wish I was better, smarter, prettier, just not me!!!

Goddess, I just needed to let this out, to say it, confront it, and hopefully let it go. Please Goddess give me the strength to take back my life from my depression and return it to my true self, the woman who can succeed.

So mote it be.

LadyAutumnCat

August 31st, 2004, 08:59 AM

Goddess,

I have realized fully that the animal that keeps crossing my path is from you, I acknowledge the message and accept the challenge. I am enthralled to travel with such a wonderful totem animal by my side, thank you Goddess.

LadyAutumnCat

September 9th, 2004, 08:57 PM

Oh, I'm still doing crappy. I can't get all of my crap together, and the panic keeps hitting me again. School started this week and I have missed my classes already, I have to find the way. I just feel so lost, please Goddess, help me! This is my life. My education is my future, it's the only way I will be able to fully help the animals. Please Goddess, help me!

LadyAutumnCat

September 10th, 2004, 09:25 AM

I'm starting anew today Goddess, I feel positivity and strength surrounding me. I am going to try to improve my lot, and control the panic that envelopes me all of the time. I am going to try to be strong and to forge forward. Please help me achieve and no longer continue to wallow in my own self pity and hatred.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

September 10th, 2004, 06:07 PM

GRRRAAAAAA!!!!

I can't do anything right. I can't take care of myself for just one day. I can't do the right things. WHY WHY WHY??? I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I HATE THIS!!!! I HATE ME!!!!

LadyAutumnCat

September 10th, 2004, 07:11 PM

Back again, I just have to get myself in order. I feel such strong anger within me and mostly towards myselt. I just can't take it anymore.

I wish I could hide myself away from the world until I felt right, felt like me!

I am making these promises to myself and to you.
Tomorrow I will drink plenty of water
I will go hiking
I will mow my mom's law, so she doesn't have to
I will eat only healthy food
I will meditate in order to lessen the anxiety
I will not eat any sugar or caffeine, which only aggravates my anxiety.

So Mote It Be.......

LadyAutumnCat

September 13th, 2004, 08:58 AM

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to crawl out of my skin and just run away. Why do I have to struggle like this everyday, why do I have to hate myself, yet love everything else? There's so much in me that wants nothing more but to succeed and to feel better again, but nothing is working. The medication isn't working, the visualization isn't working, NOTHING!!!! I can't stop eating, I can't stop crying, I can't stop panicking, and I feel my life getting worse and worse as each day goes by. I am afraid of being outside, and I used to love the outdoors, I am afraid of people and their looks. I just want to be normal, is that too much to ask? I just want this utter misery to lift, to go away, and float away into nothingness. Why can't it, dammit? Wny? How long am I to be tested, how much more pain am I to suffer? WHEN?

I am getting tired, and losing the fight. Self destruction is an option if only to terminate the incessant ache!!!

LadyAutumnCat

September 14th, 2004, 10:55 AM

Thank you Goddess for Originial Wacky's suggestion, she has greatly helped!

Goddess, I also wanted to ask for some additional help, just some extra support to keep myself on this positive track! Thank you sweet mother.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

September 14th, 2004, 07:02 PM

Goddess,

I know that it has only been a few hours, but I am still doing well, focused. I did some homework, and am getting my butt in gear. I've eaten well, exercised, and am happier than I have been in a while. Thank you for the inspiration!

Goddess, please guide me tomorrow through my class, to file my graduation paperwork, to the doctor's office, and then to work on Thursday. Please allow my day back at work to be as easy as possible, in regards to my co-workers.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

September 21st, 2004, 02:26 PM

Goddess,

Thank you for helping me out of my funk, for the doctor changing my medication, and for me finally feeling better, and more like myself.

I have become terribly torn when it comes to love. I never thought that this would happen to me, but I suppose that was presumptuous of me to expect, since I am merely human. It's ripping me apart inside however. I love my boyfriend with all that is in me, but there is someone else that I want to explore, that I want to get to know better, and I wonder, what if? Goddess, I know there is a path that I am supposed to be on, please help me alight on it and follow it to the point where I am supposed to glean the most information to shape the future me.

Please Goddess, my heart is bleeding right now.

So mote it be......

LadyAutumnCat

September 25th, 2004, 06:07 PM

Goddess,
I'm so confused, I'm so lost. I have so much guilt, yet I haven't done anything. Why do I feel the way I do? Why am I doubting after all of these years? Why am I tempted? Please direct me to the path of my future, the path I am supposed to be on.

So mote it be.......

LadyAutumnCat

September 28th, 2004, 12:42 PM

I'm doing better today, still confused, but better. I meet with HIM in a couple of hours, I hope I don't get drawn back into my stupor.

Goddess guide me.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 5th, 2004, 08:29 PM

Goddess,

I'm nervous about Friday, getting up in front of people and speaking for an hour. I still have to finish all of my work, and I feel so sick right now. I have a fever and just feel plain old horrible. Please Goddess, help me do great, help me impress myself. Help me!

So mote it be.....

Calyx

October 5th, 2004, 08:59 PM

You can do it. strength and power to you, hon. so mote it be. :hugz:

LadyAutumnCat

October 8th, 2004, 05:23 PM

Goddess,

Thank you so much for watching over me as I presented today. I got an A!! I am so happy that I did well. Honestly, I didn't think that I did, but the professor did, and that is what counts. Thank you again Goddess!

LadyAutumnCat

October 11th, 2004, 02:09 PM

I am evil. I am an evil, vile, horrible person. I have love right in front of me, he will give me anything, do anything for me, risk his life, but that isn't enough for me. I love him more than I love myself, but I don't know that I am in love with him anymore, I feel like I am betraying him, eventhough only my thoughts stray. But isn't just thinking about another being dishonest? Why am I being pulled away, we've been together for years, I can not imagine my life without him, but another is infiltrating my being, my mind, everything. I would leave, I would break his heart, for what, for something new? What am I trash? Why can't I love him like he loves me, when did things change? When? I am lost, so very lost.

LadyAutumnCat

October 14th, 2004, 01:11 PM

Goddess,

I'm so silly. I really don't want to elaborate, you know what I am referring to. How stupid of me to even think such a thing. Sheesh, who do I think I am anyway?

LadyAutumnCat

October 20th, 2004, 04:09 PM

Goddess,

I got my answer today, not what I had wanted or expected. The pain is deep and I feel stupid. I don't want to go through this, I just want it to be over with. I'm just going to drift, I need to right now. You know best, not I.

LadyAutumnCat

October 20th, 2004, 04:58 PM

Goddess,

Granted you know the way, you can guide my path, but I am hurt! I hurt like heck and I'm tired of it. Why does everything end up in disappointment for me? Why do I always have to cry, to wait, to suffer, to lose? I am tired of it, point blank. I never have anything wonderful to think about or say, nothing. My family life is horrible, my relationships are horrible, love life, hah, education is killing me, I have nothing, no where that I can turn and say this is good in my life. I try, I really freaking try, but nothing. Should I just be happy that I'm not in a corner cowering from a panic attack? What, WHY, tell me WHY?!?! Do my dreams mean nothing, my emotions nothing. GGGAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I've had it!

LadyAutumnCat

October 22nd, 2004, 01:24 PM

Goddess,

My temper has calmed, as has everything, I am just on auto-pilot, hurting but drifting. I don't know why I feel what I feel, or why I think what I think. I should have just accepted it a long time ago, that I am not worth anything. Why should I be? Even as a child I knew that there was something wrong with me, that I was different. Sometimes I wonder why I'm here, what's my purpose? Why do I have all of these hopes and dreams only to not fulfill any of them no matter how hard I try? Even simple things are difficult. Guide me Goddess, through the downs, and maybe to an up or two. So mote it be.......

Nighthawk.Dancing

October 25th, 2004, 10:57 PM

LadyAutumnCat

October 26th, 2004, 09:30 AM

LadyAutumnCat,

What you've been going through over the past few months (at least) sounds very familiar to me.
:rubhead:

The Goddess is watching out for you, though. She hears you and understands what you're going through. Here's something else to remember too; the Goddess works through us, your community, as well. We're here to hear each other! I know it's possible to make progress, even when on auto-pilot, & there are times when that is exactly what we have to do to survive. It's okay, and it isn't failure.

I'm sending energy your way, and peaceful thoughts, and hope - always hope.

PS - (I've been struggling with similar problems with physical & emotional health for most of my life. It has been truly awful for the last 5 years. I've just moved to a new city and have my first new doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm really anxious about it. I have to start the whole friggin process of explanation & trial&error all over again, & just hope the new doc can take me at my word for some of it!)

Thanks so much! It helps to know that someone else understands what I am going through. It feels so damn lonely to ache and not really know if anyone else aches or understands. You are right, there is always hope, and you know everything that has been happening has thrown me even farther into school, I am applying to a few different graduate schools and keeping my fingers crossed. I know that if I fail at that, I will definitely not lift myself back up after that. I hope that the Goddess helps me with that.

Good luck with the doctor. I know how difficult it is to start anew with them, having to share everything. I don't know about you, but I sometimes feel like I am sharing my feelings to a complete stranger who doesn't really care that much anyway. It drives me crazy, because sometimes I swear they are just not listening at all. Be strong though, no matter what you have to believe that you will be okay, even if the world around you is falling apart. I hold onto the fact that somehow things work out for the best, even if they feel like everything is at the lowest.

Be strong friend. :hugz:

Nighthawk.Dancing

October 27th, 2004, 12:25 AM

I am applying to a few different graduate schools and keeping my fingers crossed. :abanana: :) Hooray! That's exciting!

I know that if I fail at that, I will definitely not lift myself back up after that. I hope that the Goddess helps me with that. What?! Don't be silly! :awilly: 1st) of couse she will.

2nd) you're going to do great!Good luck with the doctor. Thanks! I think both of us will be okay

Raven Reed

October 27th, 2004, 12:39 AM

LadyAutumnCat

October 28th, 2004, 10:56 AM

Thanks Nighthawk Dancing! Your encouragement, support, and friendship is so very much appreciated!! I think we will both be okay, we just have to be strong and know that we can make it no matter what. Thank you so much for caring as I feel so alone so very often. I am so thankful to have someone to share and just vent to. Thank you for listening! :hugz:

LadyAutumnCat

October 28th, 2004, 10:58 AM

:heartthro You are not alone. There are periods where I feel just like you do... hang in there and hopefully the doctors will get it right and you don't have to suffer. It's not you honey. I think what you are doing is very healthy, talking to the goddess and getting things out instead of stuffing them where they will only hurt worse. My best to you. :heartthro

Thanks so much! I so very much appreciate you taking the time out to talk to me and to care. As I've said so many times, I get so lonely and feel so alone, because I just think that no one understands what I am going through or cares. It helps me so much to know that these feelings aren't just mine. It's nerve wracking and scary at times. I'm just so glad to know that others care. :hugz:

LadyAutumnCat

November 1st, 2004, 08:33 PM

Goddess,

Yet again I tread down this road. Yet again I struggle. My entire life I have battled the food demon, this calling to drown all of my damn sorrows in food. Nothing is working, beating myself up, exercising, drinking water, nothing, my motivation to eat is much stronger than my motivation to take care of myself. Why is this?

I've had every eating disorder under the sun, my entire life has been one struggle after another with food, and it continues. I am huge, I can't stand to look in the mirror, to get dressed, or to even begin to think about what others think about me. I am miserable, I am sluggish, and I am so unhappy I wish I could cut all the excess fat away.

As if this was all I have to deal with. The sickness, the illnesses, everyone around me is not doing well. Is it something about me, should I become a hermit and avoid all contact with the outside world so the others aren't cursed with my horrible luck. What is it dammit, what have I done? I've tried so hard to be kind, to help others, to do my best to positively affect other people's and animal's lives, yet mine is constantly bombarded by pain, and affected by people who have done nothing but hurt me. Shit, I can't even love myself like I should, why, what is it about me that is so horrible, so easy to abuse, so easy to hate, that I can torture myself like this on a daily basis?

I want to disappear, to be so very far away and not have to deal with the world. Sometimes I don't want to deal with myself at all, I just want to disassociate myself from myself. Just remove myself from this world. Who would miss me, who would really hurt? I think that the world would have one less whipping boy (girl in this case). One less person to laugh at, one less person to crush, one less person to harass.

The world just loves a kind person right, only to step all over. Now throw in depression, eating disorders and boom you've got a recipe to ruin a young life forever! Such a fickle, fickle damn world this is. Where is the direction? The Wheel it spins, but just never seems to stop on the upside for me, maybe it's broken, maybe the world is flat for me, flat and full of emptiness and pain. I don't know, I wish I knew.

My entire life, I have waited for the future. I have told myself, things will get better in a year, two years, ten years. Well, here I am 27 still living at home, still in school, hoping to get into graduate school, hoping to make my dreams come true, but in the back of my mind knowing that I will fail, miserably. Why should I succeed, that would be positive. Hmm, how will I be crushed this time, rejection from every school, no wait, Ramapo will screw up and tell me that I don't have enough credits to graduate, no even better, they will lose my file entirely. Something, something, I'm just waiting for it, with baited breath. Somehow I will be stomped, crushed, ruined.

My social life shot, my health shot, my education shot, my dreams shot, sounds like a perfect life. Fing waste of precious oxygen is what my life will have been.

Why bother? :sadman:

Nighthawk.Dancing

November 3rd, 2004, 12:42 PM

LadyAutumnCat

November 4th, 2004, 06:57 PM

Honey, I do understand. But come on - - yes it's a struggle, (and by saying that I don't intend to belittle the pain & struggle!) but there are so many reasons to "bother." i mean, if you didn't, all the things you described would be so much worse! if you hide away, then there is no chance that you'll meet someone who can help (be it a doctor or a friend.) if you hide away, then any hurtful tendency you have will probably get intensified because the rest of the world isn't there to act as a buffer (that's how it is with me.)

i'm worried about you! i hope that it's not embarassing to ask this... are you getting counseling, for any of the problems you described?
i ask because about 5 years ago i felt like i was at the bottom of a black pit, alone & terrified, & constantly nagging at myself to do this or that & then being angry when i didn't do it, even though i didn't do it b/c i was sick. (sound familiar?)
i started counseling then, & also started anti-depressants (& that's 2 separate things.) i'm still doing both, but i understand myself sooo much better now than i did then. i've learned how to get myself out of circular thinking, how to deal with pain... i'm not "cured" or anything, but i'm a lot. . . more comfortable & less afraid all the time.

have you tried it? it's not easy, but neither is living without it. and it is worth the effort!

Thanks! Sometimes I need a good swift kick in the butt! I was in therapy for a while, but because I don't have insurance, I didn't have a choice as to who my therapist is. She left me hanging to answer the phone during one session and asked me to leave while I was balling my eyes out, I never went back. She never really helped me break the problems she just allowed me to view the world as a victim.

I realize that I am putting myself in a lot of these situations, because my mindset is that of the world vs me, and that's not the case. I think this best sums up how I am. On a trip on Wednesday for class I was in the middle seat in the van, with one student next to me and two behind me. Everytime the two behind me laughed I immediately thought they were laughing at me and got nervous. They weren't laughing at me at all, but I THOUGHT they were, because I have no self-esteem. I don't know how to change this myself, but realize that I have to do something, because I can not continue to live my life feeling inferior, or fearing other people.

Any suggestions? I have no idea anymore.

LadyAutumnCat

November 4th, 2004, 07:15 PM

Goddess,

I really need strength and reassurance right now. I'm doubting myself so much, and hate feeling this way. Please Goddess, help me lift myself.

Nighthawk.Dancing

November 5th, 2004, 03:08 PM

Thanks! Sometimes I need a good swift kick in the butt! I was in therapy for a while, but because I don't have insurance, I didn't have a choice as to who my therapist is. She left me hanging to answer the phone during one session and asked me to leave while I was balling my eyes out, I never went back. She never really helped me break the problems she just allowed me to view the world as a victim.
:bangyourh she sounds really rotten! i had one who claimed to be able to do both therapy and pharmacotherapy, but she blew. i think i saw her 4 times... i was terribly anxious just going to my appointments!! how was that supposed to help?! she kept contradicting me, or repeating what i said as if questioning it - it really sucked. that kind of crap isn't necessary to learn about what ever the problem is (counterproductive, anyone?) so, i cancelled my appointment with her receptionist, saying i didn't know when i'd be avail so i wasn't ready to reschedule yet. & promptly went up 3 floors in the building for an appt i'd made earlier with a different doctor! :nyah:
_wedgie_
I realize that I am putting myself in a lot of these situations, because my mindset is that of the world vs me, and that's not the case. I think this best sums up how I am. On a trip on Wednesday for class I was in the middle seat in the van, with one student next to me and two behind me. Everytime the two behind me laughed I immediately thought they were laughing at me and got nervous. They weren't laughing at me at all, but I THOUGHT they were, because I have no self-esteem. I don't know how to change this myself, but realize that I have to do something, because I can not continue to live my life feeling inferior, or fearing other people.

Any suggestions? I have no idea anymore.
ohhh i know what you're talking about, with the laughing. it was always especially bad for me when i'd be out doing something like putting gas in my car... 2 girls (for some reason it's always the girls that i was sensitive about) would pull up to fill their car, with their music loud, giggling about something they were already talking about (duh - hello, me?! :durrrr: ) and i would just try to shrink. my heart would sink & i'd get defensive (b/c i felt attacked or something..) i detest that!! it's the same inferior feeling i had in high school, just continued.

i remember one moment that helped me to break that cycle of thinking... eating lunch with my boyfriend (now my husband) one day, and i - as usual - took something he said wrong. (i had this pattern of almost consciously taking things the worst way they could have been meant, if it could have been ambiguous.) well, he just about exploded! he said "I am Not attacking you! I am Not your enemy! Don't treat me like I am!!" i was shocked. i had been treating this person i loved like i didn't trust him, like i thought he was out to trip me up or something. i suddenly realized how awful it must feel to be in his place; trying to reassure me, while feeling attacked the whole time! after that, i really tried to recognize the tone of voice he was using, & the words he'd choose, & not automatically respond to the worst possible interpretation.

it was hard, and it still "sucked to be me," but it was a good start. this was still 2 or 3 years before i started therapy of any kind.

so, i've got a couple of ideas for you: you're in school, right? when i was in college the school had a deal where counseling was free for students, for... 4 or 6 sessions. then that counselor would recommend an off campus counselor. you might want to try that! since you'd have already been talking w/someone who would understand what you needed, the off campus doc would be one who is known to work with that need, not some random guy from the phonebook who automatically thinks you're afraid of the dark or something!

:steppy: in the meantime... most all of the counseling & other doctor's offices i've been to (especially the smaller ones) will work with you if you don't have insurance. often, they'll accept the amount the insurance deems "regular & customary" (or something like that, meaning average) for the service. some will also let you space your payments out (like, one 1/2 each week, if you have a visit every other week.) some will do even better than that. it depends.

:fphone you can just ask if they'll work with "cash-only" payment when you call to make an appointment. i think that's what they call it when you don't have insurance, but that's another way to ask.

personally, counseling is as important to my continuing existance as breathing is. even though you're busy with school, i really encourage you to try it again. remember though, that really trying it, takes at least 6 months or a year of regular visits. although it should help right away, it'll take a while for the counselor to learn enough about you to help you make permanent changes!
Go for it, Girl!! We're all here for you!
:jumprope:

LadyAutumnCat

November 6th, 2004, 06:09 PM

Wow Nighthawk Dancing!!

Thank you, I am amazed at how much our lives parallel!! It felt like you were talking about me, everything that you said rang so true with me.

I am going to try the school therapy. I've never done it before, my friend did, but was disappointed, because they kept changing the counselors on her. I don't mind trying it, I need someone to help me cope and live.

I admit I am better in most social situations now that I am on my medication. I am not afraid to participate in class, I don't get that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I don't try to avoid people any longer, I just socialize. But I am still not as well as I could be there's still a lot going on inside of me that I have to address and straighten out. And, I can't do that alone, I realize this now.

I'm ready for change, I am tired of feeling so sick and tired all the time. Hopefully, I can do this sooner rather than later.

Nighthawk.Dancing

November 9th, 2004, 09:10 AM

LadyAutumnCat,

I'm glad you're willing to give the free school therapy a chance! It's a huge thing when you can decide to go from feeling like 'why can't someone help me!' to 'hey, i need help with this, so I'm going to find it.' Like you said, Ready For Change. (and you said exactly what I said a couple years ago, about being tired o being sick & tired!! - talk about being parallel! ;))

In fact, if DO they try switching you around, you CAN request to see the same person. It may just be that you have to spread the appts out a little more. (I guess my point is to remember that it's their job to help you make the scheduling work; it's not like they're doing you a favor or something, so call them on it if they aren't helpful!)

And, hey, I didn't realize you were on medication (Wellbutrin & Zoloft for me). That's a huge head start.

Aaand, since it's been a couple days since you wrote... Any luck in the meantime?

Wow Nighthawk Dancing!!

Thank you, I am amazed at how much our lives parallel!! It felt like you were talking about me, everything that you said rang so true with me.

I am going to try the school therapy. I've never done it before, my friend did, but was disappointed, because they kept changing the counselors on her. I don't mind trying it, I need someone to help me cope and live.

I admit I am better in most social situations now that I am on my medication. I am not afraid to participate in class, I don't get that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I don't try to avoid people any longer, I just socialize. But I am still not as well as I could be there's still a lot going on inside of me that I have to address and straighten out. And, I can't do that alone, I realize this now.

I'm ready for change, I am tired of feeling so sick and tired all the time. Hopefully, I can do this sooner rather than later.

LadyAutumnCat

November 11th, 2004, 06:51 PM

LadyAutumnCat,

I'm glad you're willing to give the free school therapy a chance! It's a huge thing when you can decide to go from feeling like 'why can't someone help me!' to 'hey, i need help with this, so I'm going to find it.' Like you said, Ready For Change. (and you said exactly what I said a couple years ago, about being tired o being sick & tired!! - talk about being parallel! ;))

In fact, if DO they try switching you around, you CAN request to see the same person. It may just be that you have to spread the appts out a little more. (I guess my point is to remember that it's their job to help you make the scheduling work; it's not like they're doing you a favor or something, so call them on it if they aren't helpful!)

And, hey, I didn't realize you were on medication (Wellbutrin & Zoloft for me). That's a huge head start.

Aaand, since it's been a couple days since you wrote... Any luck in the meantime?

Oh, I'm not doing too well right now. I accidentally skipped my zoloft yesterday and am feeling the effects today, I'm panicky, and so desperately don't want to have another attack. I'm begging my body to keep sane and calm. It's so tough. I have an appt to talk to someone at school next week, I don't remember when right now, I'm so out of it. I just wanted to let you know, I'm trying, but right now, I'm not doing so well.

Thank you :hugz:

Nighthawk.Dancing

November 13th, 2004, 04:59 PM

Oh, I'm not doing too well right now. I accidentally skipped my zoloft yesterday and am feeling the effects today, I'm panicky, and so desperately don't want to have another attack. I'm begging my body to keep sane and calm. It's so tough. :hugz: Ooh. That sux. But, at least you know (well, knew) already that it had happened, & that's why your mood shifted how & when it did... Sooo many times I have been just overwhelmed & bewildered because I've missed a medicine (sometimes for more than one day!) and not realized it! I'll be feeling very: :dontknow: , and not know why @ first.

I have an appt to talk to someone at school next week, I don't remember when right now, I'm so out of it. I just wanted to let you know, I'm trying, but right now, I'm not doing so well. _wiz_ I have to say wow! & way to go! for getting an appointment so quickly! :fpraiseyo
:bouncysmi Even though you may feel like crap now, you are so on your way to feeling better! :sailing:
I found that knowing that 'right now it's the medicine that's causing this feeling' helped me a lot. It didn't make the feeling go away, but it took away some of the feeling of importance I allowed it, so I didn't feel the need to solve any problem to feel better. I could just BE while the feeling went away; focus on reading a novel or watching a movie. Distraction was/is key for me. I hope you've been finding something similar in yourself now, with the missed zoloft.

** ** * * ** * I give you warm-fuzzies to wrap around yourself like a blanket! * * * *** * * *
You will feel better :smoochypo ya know!

_inabox_ PS - Umm, can I shorten LadyAutumnCat to LAC?

LadyAutumnCat

November 29th, 2004, 04:26 PM

Goddess,

Another panic attack, a bad one. Last night was so frightening, why does the fear grip me like that? Why?

I am at a loss, I am a complete mess both mentally and physically. What am I to do?

LadyAutumnCat

December 29th, 2004, 03:55 PM

Goddess,

Ah, my mind is such a dungeon of hell right now. I can't seem to keep myself straight. My eating is out of control and so is my anxiety. I don't know who I am going to be from one second to another. Will I be okay, or will I be struck with a horrible fear that will consume all of me.? I don't know what this is supposed to teach me, or why I am going through this. I do know that I can't take it anymore, I'm not trying to or going to kill myself, however, I feel like I just can't take things anymore. I feel like all of me is being sapped right now. I can barely move, I can barely function, and I want it to stop. I don't want to die, but how the hell am I supposed to live like this?

I'm angry, I don't feel strong, I don't feel like this is right. These problems are consuming me and preventing me from leading a normal and productive life, which is all that I have ever wanted to do. I just want to fucking help animals, and I can't do it because my mind is a horrible mess. What is the point? Why? What did I ever do?

WHAT DAMMIT WHAT?!?!?!

LadyAutumnCat

December 29th, 2004, 09:43 PM

Goddess,

I'm going to keep trying, I have no choice, but I ask that you please watch over me and help guide me to the right path. I can not continue to abuse myself or allow my mind to continually create these situations in my mind. I feel like I am constantly changing moods from moment to moment, and I can't take it anymore. It's like I am no longer in control of myself or my thoughts. I can't grasp the fact that I'm not the same person that I used to be and it scares me, because I notice that sometimes I am not completely there. I know it's the medication, but I don't like it.

Now, in order to feel better the doctor wants me on yet another medication. Great, where am I supposed to find the money to pay for it? I can't work because of this and I don't have insurance. Why isn't there some sort of service available to people like me who just can't make it at the moment. I think that what gets to me a lot is that I had insurance for 3 years and nothing happened, but the second I had to leave my job, bam, I needed surgery and got this horrible crap. Murphy's law at its finest!

I think I'll get through. Well, it's either sink or swim and right now I'm leaning more towards swimming because I have too much that I want to accomplish. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the anxiety, get healthy, find a job, and get into grad school, but somehow I have to, somehow it has to all come together. I will fight, I will claw, and I will stomp my way to the old me no matter what I have to do, it's time that I FINALLY put myself first.

So mote it be

Tabby

December 29th, 2004, 10:01 PM

*huggles you tight* If you ever need to talk.

LadyAutumnCat

January 14th, 2005, 05:24 PM

Goddess,

I am doing much better. I have been exercising daily and eating healthy as well. I feel so much better and stronger even! I went to therapy today, this time with a new therapist, I have hopes that we will get along. She can't be much older than I am and seems like a nice girl. My medications seem to be working now, which is such a plus. I'm on three, but I'll take what I need, the panic and anxiety were just too much for me to handle.

I'm still with the graduate school applications. I don't know where the professor's stand on the recommendations. I sent my fourth draft of my essay to my former professor a few days ago, and I still haven't heard anything. The applications are due on Feb 1, and I am running out of time. The stress of waiting is killing me, I just want to know if I am going to get in. I need to know. Sigh.

Louie is depressed, I don't know what to do for him. I'm so worried that his depression won't lift, I don't know why he doesn't go get treatment. Please watch over him.

Thank you Goddess.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

January 21st, 2005, 11:52 AM

Still waiting and confused as to what to do. However I am doing much better health wise, almost normal again. I have started looking and applying for work, and am hopeful that I will find something soon. I did call about one job and left a message, I called back today and they are on vacation till the 29th. It's working with cats, and I really hope that I get it. It's part time which is perfect. Please Goddess Bless me with this job. I need it so desperately for both my finances, my mental health, and my family. Please Goddess, guide me with school and work.

Also things with L are tense and I need to be kinder eventhough he is driving me insane. We have to work on his house, and move the cars. There's so much, but he's so lazy with the upkeep, please help me help him.

So mote it be.....

Tabby

January 21st, 2005, 09:46 PM

*huggles you tight*

LadyAutumnCat

March 11th, 2005, 11:24 AM

I've been away from here for a while, and think I might disappear again after the tarot class is over. There is too much here that I don't feel comfortable with right now. It's feeling less like home. Sigh.......

Anyhow, things at home are better, I'm calmer, sending out resumes and cover letters, and good luck on the education front, though I am waiting for official paperwork. Goddess, just continue giving me the strength.

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

March 11th, 2005, 06:57 PM

Goddess,

Still no paperwork. It's so very frustrating. I know that I have to be patient, I've been through this stuff a million times before, but deadlines are looming and I need to meet them. This paperwork will hopefully get here soon. I'm so anxious about it.

The antibiotics for my infection are working, thankfully, however they make me so very sleepy. I'm just about asleep at the computer right now. I am glad they are working, but wish that I never had to get them.

Thank you goddess for everything. I will try to hold my patience, sigh.

LadyAutumnCat

March 15th, 2005, 03:49 PM

The moods are bad today. I'm so down. I did some spring cleaning in my closet and got so depressed. I have so much nice stuff and can't fit into some of them. It's so frustrating. I also got thinking about the past and could vividly recall all of the ups and downs in my life, as well as all of the extremes. It bothers me that my entire life has been this way, I want to finally find that happy medium, I'm determined to.

I've been thinking of how pointless my life is lately. I have no motivation and nothing to do. I take care of things at home and I take care of the animals, but other than that I have nothing. Not working doesn't make it any better, as I have no money and feel like a burden to everyone. I've yet to find the right job, but I know that I can stay at a job. It's just so tough to find anything nowadays.

I'm still waiting on the paperwork from MSU. I'm trying to remain patient, but that has never been my strong point. I have no patience, never did and am convinced that I never will. I hate dealing with deadlines, esp when I don't have any control over when things get mailed. I like being the one that takes things and gets them done, schools tend to take their dear sweet time. Well, until it comes to billing time! I just want this off of my shoulders, I am focused on getting the work that needs to get done, finally done, but this is stalling me. I really want the ball to get rolling. Keeping fingers crossed for things to happen soon.

Ahhh, things will get better. I think I need to just relax.

Thank you Goddess for always listening..........for always being there.........for helping me through.

LadyAutumnCat

March 25th, 2005, 11:46 AM

Thank you Goddess for the paperwork and the positivity that came with it. I am down again. I was very manic yesterday, but am completely down again. I miss my boyfriend. He's been away in Germany for a while and though he's coming home this weekend, I miss him so. Please keep him safe and help him get back to me in one piece. I should be hearing from him soon as I need to find out what flight number he is coming in on.

Kate died and I'm sorry for that. I am going to her wake tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to handle it or how Wendy is going to handle it. It's going to be tough. She was only 25. At least her failing battle with cancer is over.

I'm unhappy with my group. I got into an argument last night over them wanting to oust another person. I don't think that it's right. Why should she be gone because she is emotionally better. She could impart such wonderful information. There's no reason for her to leave, but who am I. The decision was made ahead of time, the vote was a farce. So sad. Now I don't know how to act or what to even say. I don't even know if I want to stay.

Goddess please watch over me and my family. Please keep us all safe and well. Thank you Goddess for your love.

So mote it be.............

LadyAutumnCat

March 25th, 2005, 03:12 PM

Goddess,

I think I am going to end up out of the group. I care but don't. I've really participated, started a meditation circle, a health/weight loss circle and have given emotionally. However, my opinion yesterday has bothered a couple of the people there. Whatever happens let me find the good in it and not allow the anxiety to drive me.

I sense a big blow up brewing in me!

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

April 5th, 2005, 07:17 PM

Here I am again, feeling down. Nothing new. I guess I hope that eventually I'll stabilize and be "normal". I know that there's really no such thing, but I would just like to function regularly. The vacillating from one mood to another is what really does it. I don't even know what I want to say, think, or feel. I don't know. I'm so utterly frustrated with everything. I feel like I belong nowhere and am nothing. I think I just need to melt into the floorboards. If only that was possible.

LadyAutumnCat

April 7th, 2005, 03:14 PM

Goddess,

I am doing better today. I got my haircut and it looks great. I went to spend some of my early birthday money and had such a bad time. I went into the dressing room to try things on, and despite my 35lb loss, my rear view is a sight. Anyhow, I put the clothing back and got myself another pair of workout pants, and a new pilates dvd, plus a head scarf and espadrilles with flowers. I refuse to let my disatisfaction get me down. I know that I have made some great strides because I not only look better but feel better. That is because of you Goddess, thank you for the awakening!

I have been very focused on my own death. Yesterday I accidentally stabbed my finger and got horrible chills, because it occurred to me that I might die by being stabbed. I have long thought that I was going to die after an intruder breaks into my house at night. I'll be sleeping in bed, and he'll stab me repeatedly. For years I have had this fear, and lately, the fear of dying has been intense. I wasn't afraid of death before, but lately it's getting to be too much. Maybe it's because Kate's death really brought home the fact that young people can die too. Keep me safe Goddess, please, I'm not ready.

Goddess, thank you for everything, for the unemployment approval, and hopefully for a job soon. Thank you.

So mote it be.......

Just a little more patience my way regarding school. I can't wait to register on Monday and then wait to hear from Financial Aid. Please let it go smoothly. So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

April 8th, 2005, 03:30 PM

Goddess,

Despite the birthday wishes and the beautiful weather, I am miserable. I tried going out shopping with some of the birthday money I was given, but couldn't find anything. I don't know, maybe I'm spoiled? I just don't get it. Why am I always so miserable? I take my medicines, I eat right, I exercise, what more? Sigh.....

LadyAutumnCat

April 18th, 2005, 02:18 PM

Goddess,

Feeling better. I'm glad for that. I did a transport yesterday. My mother, bf, and sister assisted in the transport. I took 4 puppies in my car and Wendy took 3 in hers. It's such a wonderful feeling to be able to help these animals. All of the animals I have transported thus far have been pulled from gassing shelters and are now either adopted or in foster homes or no kill shelters! Thank you Goddess for guiding me to this.

I think I am not getting the last job I applied for. It's been a few days and I haven't heard anything. I don't want to call or email just yet, but I will soon. I was really hoping to get this one as the hours are perfect and the place is nice. Oh well. What am I going to do? I can't continue to berate myself; I am doing everything that I can do to find a job. I am going to register for that program that my therapist told me about that helps you find a job in your field. Hopefully, they can find me something.

Aside from this Goddess I am stable. My moods have regulated and I am ona much more even keel than I had been before. I'm thankful for that, though I know that the down swing will come back. It's getting tougher and tougher to get through the bad times, though the good times feel better and better when they are here.

Thank you Goddess for everything. Thank you for the scholarship. Thank you for my improved mental and physical health.

So mote it be.........

LadyAutumnCat

April 21st, 2005, 04:26 PM

Goddess,

Please let me be okay. I'm dizzy, I have headaches, and I feel nauseous. :sick: I don't know why. This just started. Maybe I'm exercising too much. I don't know. Please don't let it be anything really bad.

So mote it be.....

Tabby

April 24th, 2005, 02:53 AM

*hugs* Hang in there..

LadyAutumnCat

April 28th, 2005, 01:19 PM

Goddess,

Again.....still the same thing. No promise, no change, just static and stagnation. I thought that I would find a job this week. I mean I had an interview and I spoke to a woman about another job, but nothing. I don't understand. I've been told that I should just accept that I am in the right place in life, right now, but how am I supposed to do that when the bills keep coming in, the bill collectors keep calling, and I can't buy anything without having to count on someone else? I feel so useless and compromised. I don't like feeling like this. Finding a job has never been so difficult, but now I can't, I just can't. It hurts. It feels like everyone is rejecting me and that I am not good enough for anything or anyone. Why? Where is the lesson? How long will it last? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Is there even a light? I'm too close to giving in, to close to just letting go. I just don't know. I really don't.

Tabby

April 28th, 2005, 06:36 PM

*huge hug* I have had some really rough times lately as well, when the light at the end of the tunnel seems like it is really an oncoming train and you are tied to the tracks.

All I can offer you is to search your soul and see what you are meant to learn from this time in your life. I know when I was at my lowest point, that is what I did. I had to make some hard decisions but they seem to be worth it.

I might be able to help you with those bill collector calls. I have a few ideas if you want to PM me about it..

I wish you all the best and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts. Hang in there.

:hugz:

LadyAutumnCat

April 29th, 2005, 04:47 PM

Goddess,

As if everything I'm currently dealing with isn't enough, the ass is giving other people the key to his house?! And letting them take OUR animals for walks. WTF is that all about. I'm not a happy camper, I hate his friend, I don't want him living there. I hate this. Why?

LadyAutumnCat

May 4th, 2005, 08:45 PM

Goddess,

Ugh.....I think my tooth problem might be an impacted wisdom tooth. This is not good on many different levels! 1. I am deathly afraid of the dentist therefore it brings out my anxiety and panic even more. 2. I have no insurance and no job! 3. My family now has to help me pay for something else.

I have an appointment on Tuesday at noon to get some X-rays. Please Goddess let it be something else. If not, then give me the strength to find a way.

So mote it be.......

Tabby

May 5th, 2005, 02:13 AM

*hugs tight* I know how you feel. I am deathly afraid of dentists as well. I will keep you in my thoughts.

LadyAutumnCat

May 5th, 2005, 03:45 PM

Goddess,

Ack! Last night was bad. I had my first panic attack in a while and it was a bad one. I knew it was coming because I've had insomnia for four days now. I was close to ending it all, I really was. Thankfully my friend Judy came online and helped me through it all. She got me to focus on you and let go of all of the uncertainty and to feel your love embrace me. It worked, I relaxed and was able to breathe again.

I spent hours sending resumes last night. I also collected phone numbers and made calls today. I am going to apply in person to a job tomorrow and have an interview for another job on Monday. I really don't care what I get at this point. I just need a job. I'm trying, but I'm getting obsessed. I need to relax, I think I also need a change in one of my medications. This is so much to handle at the moment.

Please Goddess, help me find the light in all of this. Let me remain focused on the fact that things will work out. Let me be able to find my way. Watch over Louie, keep him with me and stable. And my family. Please bless us all, great one.

So mote it be.....

Tabby

May 5th, 2005, 03:47 PM

Hey, my YIM is ladytabitha1969@yahoo.com and my MSN is tabitha1969@hotmail.com.. If you ever need me.. *huggles tight*

trippingdaisy

May 10th, 2005, 09:27 AM

Dont give up ladyautumncat, you will get through this. :hugz: Blessings to you.

LadyAutumnCat

May 10th, 2005, 05:20 PM

Goddess,

He's moving in. My boyfriend's best friend is moving into the house. I'm not thrilled. The tooth is indeed an impacted wisdom tooth that has to come out. Sigh. Now to get through this. :sniffsnif

LadyAutumnCat

June 14th, 2005, 10:50 PM

Goddess,

I'm okay.....it's all okay. I have to learn to keep focused and not panic. Though I'm afraid once again. My mother doesn't look good, she keeps talking about dying, but she won't go to the doctor, I don't know what to do. How will we survive - how will we go on? Why? Please Goddess watch over her, help me help her.

Diana (my dog) might have cancer. We will know when the biopsy results are in. I'm scared for her. I'm scared for me. I can't imagine life without her. Why?

Still no job. Nothing, just rejections or just no word. This is getting desperate. I'm seeking help from a job agency and hoping that I will hear something positive regarding the Graduate Assistant position, though I don't feel it for me. I think I am still to struggle.

My sutures in my mouth are killing me. I ache constantly internally and externally, physically and mentally. Oh Goddess, please let there be respite and positivity soon.

So mote it be.........

Please watch over my mother and Diana. So mote it be.....

Tabby

June 25th, 2005, 11:54 PM

*huggles tight* I am sorry to hear you are still struggling. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

LadyAutumnCat

June 28th, 2005, 10:20 AM

Goddess,

I'm scared and I don't know why. Please Goddess keep me, my family, and my animals together, safe, and well. I have a fear that something bad is going to happen. Please don't let anything break us apart. Please keep my little fuzzies safe and healthy......my mom and dad healthy......and let Wendy (my sis) heal from her surgery. So mote it be......

I'm trying not to have a panic attack.

LadyAutumnCat

June 28th, 2005, 04:16 PM

Goddess,

I hope my mother opens her eyes. Today the police came to the house telling us to have her call the police dept in Newark. We were then told to contact the Spanish Consulate, when we did we were told that her sister has been looking for her for 7 years. My mother is apparently not going to do anything about it. Why is she like this? Why can't she just accept love? Goddess please let her contact her family.

So mote it be....

Queenorivers

June 28th, 2005, 04:48 PM

beautiful :)

LadyAutumnCat

June 29th, 2005, 05:15 PM

Goddess,

Still nothing. My mother is pulling away from all of us here and refuses to address her sister. I don't know why she's like this. Why can't she deal with her emotions? I worry that she will regret. Please Goddess, help.

So mote it be....

Tabby

July 6th, 2005, 03:46 AM

Goddess, please watch over my friend and her family.

*huge hug* I think of you often. You are a wonderful and caring person..don't ever forget that.

Willow Rosette

July 9th, 2005, 02:40 PM

Hun Im so sorry you are hurting. We have not talked in quite awhile but please pm me if you ever need to talk. My critters and I are here for you.

LadyAutumnCat

July 22nd, 2005, 12:06 PM

Goddess,

I'm still here and surviving. I would like to thank you for giving me strength during Ebony, our dog's, sudden blindness. Thank you for giving her the strength and patience she needs through all of the vet visits, tests, and medications. Goddess, thank you for her being alive and I beg of you to not let this be a tumor or cancer.

Goddess, I'm getting the anxiety again, please help me work through it. Please don't let my recurring fear come true. Goddess, help me with myself.

Please watch over my family, Louie, my friends irl and these here at MW.

To all of you who are reading this - please excuse my lack of responses, things are difficult here. I will answer everyone when things settle down. Blessed be...

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

May 29th, 2006, 08:42 PM

Goddess,

Here I am again. I just re-read this entire thread, ick! I'm still struggling, but I think I have much more perspective now. I'm in grad school, finished year 1 already. Louie left me in January, it hurts a lot, don't know why he left. After 11 years together nothing, I haven't heard from him in months. I miss the animals that live there with him so much. Just give me strength in getting through as you always do.

So Mote It Be:fpraise:

Tabby

May 29th, 2006, 09:14 PM

*hugs* I'm glad you are doing better.

ILOVEAUTUMNS

May 30th, 2006, 12:40 AM

to the person who started this post
LadyAutumnCat,

I found your prayer to Goddess touching and I love your screen name

I know Goddess will help you She is Mother to us all!!!!!

LadyAutumnCat

May 30th, 2006, 12:56 AM

Goddess,

Here I sit, cats and dogs sleeping - ferrets running amok - just as life intended. Anyhow, I'm heeding your advice and am going to meditate as soon as the wee ones are done running around. I have to find my way again, return to what worked, to what healed me. I know you will help me find answers.

Always in reverence.....:fpraise:

LadyAutumnCat

May 30th, 2006, 10:35 AM

Goddess,

I meditated last night, it felt good to do it again. I'm looking for answers and someway to make it through as successfully as possible. These past few months have been difficult and continue to be, but I know in my heart that you will help me get through.

I am saddened by how empty my heart is and how my ability to trust has been ravaged. I miss L. dearly, we had 11 years, but it wasn't good enough. I hope he finds what he's looking for and that he's taking good care of our animals. If I had done something wrong I could understand, we were best friends and lovers, now we are nothing but shadows in each other's past. It hurts. Please Goddess envelope me in your protective arms.

So Mote It Be

LadyAutumnCat

June 2nd, 2006, 09:20 PM

Goddess,

I'm trying to embrace hope and to just trust, but when I'm at my lowest and struggling with internal demons it is difficult. I know that there is something better out there for me, I know that I'm headed in the right direction, but it's difficult to keep that "knowing" sense, when I'm scared. I am going to focus on what I can control, after all there is nothing else I can do. I trust that you will care for me and guide me along, I just need to learn to trust and believe in myself. Thank you for being here for me, thank you for allowing me to come so far.

Thank you.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

June 4th, 2006, 12:48 AM

Goddess,

Now that mom is healing from the gall bladder surgery, she's experiencing kidney pain. What next? I worry about her all the time, I don't know what I would do without her. It's difficult watching parents age... Please watch over my family both human and non-human.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

June 4th, 2006, 11:23 PM

Goddess,

I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, please help me get things done efficiently and thoroughly. Help things go well for my mother tomorrow and help me stick to the promise I made to myself. Guide me in the decision I have before me as I don't want to hurt further.

Give me strength to continue to move forward without him and to finally obtain closure. Of course, take care of the situation with the animals so that I can still be a part of their lives. I trust in you to see me through.

So Mote It Be

LadyAutumnCat

June 5th, 2006, 01:12 AM

Goddess,

I'm so sad right now, the tears are just barely at bay. I'm struggling with loving myself again. It's so difficult because whenever I look in the mirror or think of myself I see a failure, a fake. I feel abnormal and alone. I feel like I'm in a web of self deceit and loneliness that I just can't seem to free myself from. Where did it all go wrong? Why can't I get myself back? Why did I let myself go?

He's a bastard a piece of shit. I try not to hate him, because he gave me many good years and taught me so much, but he also tortured me and hurt me more than anyone else has. He beat me down and threw me aside; a former shell of myself. He ravaged my self esteem with actions and words meant to hurt and cut me to the bone, cleverly disguised by his supposed undying love for me. I don't want to hate because it muddies up my energy, but it's difficult. I wish him no harm because he has our animals and because in some way I love him. I love him just as much as I hate him and I think I always have.

So where do I go from here? How do I pick up the pieces and live again? Internally, externally, focus on me. Come home again......learn to trust and love again.......let go of the "demon" within me that overcomes me on a daily basis, that takes control and makes me feel so much that I need to hide from it through self-defeatist means. I try everyday, I just need you to please help me focus my mind and find another way. Please Goddess, this is slowly but surely killing me.

I want to feel like I did only a year ago, happy, free, jubilant even. I don't need him to be here for me to feel like that again, I just need to be here, whole and strong. Help me, please. Guide me again......

So mote it be......

LadyAutumnCat

June 5th, 2006, 02:08 PM

Goddess,

I'm still down and not feeling really well. I'm going to try to get outside to continue mulching in a few minutes. I have this sadness within though, I'm so scared that I'll end up old and alone. I don't want to be that way, but in my heart it is my fear. I stupidly thought that I wouldn't have to worry about this, it could never happen to me. He would never leave me, but he did, ha ha, stupid me. I never realized how much stock I put in him being there till he was gone. I'm still trying to figure out if I miss him or just miss the thought of having someone there. Or could it just be because of the animals?

Goddess, please help me get through this. I have come far, at least I'm not crying all day anymore. Baby steps, I suppose.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

June 5th, 2006, 08:46 PM

Goddess,

Give me the strength. She makes me feel like garbage and makes me wish I was dead. Is it her goal in life? Who the hell is she anyway? I wish I was invisible, or better yet non-existant.

Willow Rosette

June 5th, 2006, 09:48 PM

Oh honey my heart breaks for you. I hope Im not intruding but I just had to come and tell you that you are such a beautiful woman. This world is so much better off with you here. Please come and talk anytime you need to. Yahoo is the best place to find me if you need a shoulder honey. But remember everyone here at MW has faith in you. We have plenty to spare when you need it. Here is a little love I came accross and though of you for.

http://bestsmileys.com/cats1/3.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/cats1/5.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/cats2/15.gif

LadyAutumnCat

June 7th, 2006, 01:26 AM

Goddess,

The nights are lonely. The phone never rings for me. There are no more good night kisses or loving arms wrapped around me at night. The animals aren't with me, I miss their faces, their scent, their presence. He left me and took it all away from me. I still struggle to understand what I did to deserve it. Me his "best friend". Is everyone right, did he use me for almost 11 years? Did he only love me for the first two? I realize he wasn't always kind, but neither was I. Was it all my fault? Will I ever find love again? Will I ever see and hold my babies again? What did I do? Why must I hurt so much?

I don't get it..... I just want what everyone else wants. I don't need tons of money, a big house, tons of cars. I just want love and my animals. I envy those who are happy.

LadyAutumnCat

June 19th, 2006, 11:57 PM

Goddess,

Still in emotional pain, still no word, no trace, no answer. Still no guidance. I don't know what to do in order to deal with this. How do I heal. How can I live the rest of my life wanting him, needing him, and not having him. Where did I go wrong? Will I ever know? Goddess please, envelope me in your arms and heal me, guide me, take this constant pain away from me. Please.

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

July 25th, 2006, 10:30 PM

I'm doing better Goddess, I am healing and moving on. I am accepting that there are somethings I will never know and maybe I shouldn't know. I just want to move forward and find my way, find the place I belong. My life is not about being with another person, I just want to truly love myself and experience my life in a positive and effective manner. Right now I am struggling with loneliness and wondering why I can't just accept me for me. Why do I feel that I need to make improvements all of the time? Why can't I be happy?

I feel lost in this sea of turbulence. I have no problem experiencing and growing, I just have a problem with remaining static. I feel like I do not belong here, like there is a better life somewhere else, but maybe this is my way of not facing reality? I don't know. I ask for guidance, Goddess, please help me find that which is within me so that I can realize my dreams and goals.

Thank you.

LadyAutumnCat

August 10th, 2006, 11:22 PM

Goddess,

I'm doing much better, but I've been hit with such sadness in the past hour or so. I don't know why. Could it be the times? Everything is changing and out of control.... I still struggle with myself, my own demons. When will they settle down? I'm still on my path, I will not stop until I succeed.

Please keep my family safe (both human and non-human, here and there).

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

August 12th, 2006, 09:19 PM

Goddess,

Why do I feel this way all of a sudden? Could it be that this movie is hitting close to home and I'm wondering when/if this sort of "magical" moment will happen to me? Not really overly depressed about it, I just wonder what my life will be like in a few years. I know, I know, live in the moment I am going to my yoga classes tomorrow to do that, but right now I'm not occupied. Oh well, I trust that you will bring me answers when the time is right. Until then I will continue to move forward on a daily basis.

Also, please send me strength to get my issue under control. I can affect change in this aspect of my life. Please give me the will.

So Mote It Be.....

LadyAutumnCat

August 15th, 2006, 01:24 PM

Goddess,

I've officially given up. It's done. I can't believe I worked so hard for something that didn't happen. I am usually successful, but not this time. I suppose it's for the best, but I wanted closure. They are still there, I miss them so very much. I hope that he is taking care of them. I hope they remember me and know that I love them so much and it breaks my heart not being able to see them or hold them. I'm trying not to hate him. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to mail the letter. It's my goodbye of sorts.
Please Goddess give me strength.

So Mote It Be.

LadyAutumnCat

August 16th, 2006, 04:58 PM

Goddess,

I'm a little better, life isn't anywhere near as good as I hope it will someday be, but I know that it has to be this way for now. Lately I've been feeling that I've made a decision that is going to be life changing only it doesn't seem that way. I could be wrong, but there is this strong power inside me that is also telling me that "he" the man I have never met, but I've known is out there, will come to me. Does this sound wrong? I just feel like he is the one. I will wait patiently and do what I need to do to make myself happy as long as I don't deviate from my morals.

Thank you.
So mote it be.

LadyAutumnCat

August 17th, 2006, 07:00 PM

Goddess,

Is she really going to help me? Is this kindness real? Is this the person who will help me make things happen? Please, let it be so. I need help.

So mote it be....

Thank you!

LadyAutumnCat

August 18th, 2006, 05:43 PM

Goddess,

Eh, haven't heard back from her, I hope she really meant that she was going to help me. Not getting my hopes up, I'm just going to continue living like I was. Sigh....

I am really wondering about life lately and when/how I can help along changes in my life. I continually feel like I am waiting for something big to happen, but it never does. I wonder when this expectant feeling is going to disappear. I don't like feeling like this at all.

Please let me find an opportunity soon, things have to change.

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

August 19th, 2006, 01:41 PM

Goddess,

There has to be more to my life than this. I've always had such high aspirations and hopes. I know that I'm supposed to have more than this, I am supposed to have an exciting life, to do good, and to enjoy myself as well. This, what I have now is NOT it. I don't know what else to do right now. I'm in grad school, I'm really trying to go in the right direction, but it just seems that I keep coming up short for myself and for others as well.

Growing up I have always felt that as an adult I would accomplish much and make life better for myself and others. I've always known that I would have some recognition in the future. I just wonder when that is going to happen. Where I will find myself and my niche. Please Goddess help me in my goals!

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

August 19th, 2006, 10:27 PM

Thank you.

LadyAutumnCat

September 8th, 2006, 05:39 PM

Goddess,

I'm not really having a terribly tough time, well financially yes. I'm down to about $7 and wondering why my paycheck is MIA. Sigh.... I do not like living this way and I'm going to have to find a part time job, because I need to be able to enjoy my life a little bit too. Things have to change. I realize that I'm in grad school and working as a research assistant so I'm not going to have a lot of money, but I'm also 29 and need to feel like an adult at times too. Eventually it will all come into place, I trust in that and in you, I guess I just need to feel like I have some control over at least one aspect of my life right now. (Thinking positive - staying positive).....

I guess, I'm currently going through general frustration at how stagnant and empty my life has become. My life has been on pause for months and it's very frustrating to me. I don't like to sit still for long, I like some excitement in my life and it is sorely lacking. Change, change, change.... I need this right now!!!

I have a feeling that next month is going to be promising. This came to me months ago in meditation and it's still with me now. I am looking forward to what is in my future, but I am also focused on living in the now.

Goddess, I simply ask for your continued guidance, support, and encouragement. I'm in suspension and need to see some sort of colorful light at the end of this tunnel.

So mote it be......

LadyAutumnCat

September 8th, 2006, 09:21 PM

Goddess,

Just strength, please some strength. I keep falling into negativity and I know that I have to let it go because that is what I will attract. It just gets difficult when it seems that I have nothing to look forward to.

Why am I so lovelorn? Why? It never mattered much, now I worry that I will never have love in my life again. Sigh....

cubay

September 8th, 2006, 10:07 PM

Godess,

hi,

can you please say a prayer for me for love in my life,for finding my soulmate soon?

jessica

LadyAutumnCat

September 11th, 2006, 03:40 PM

Goddess,

Here I am again, doing a better, but now I'm struggling with finances. Things at work got screwy and the pay period has been reorganized so I'm without money for a couple more weeks. I don't know how I'm going to make it through.

I need some help Goddess. A pet sitting job for the weekend, early refund check - anything so that I can make a little more money.

I don't want a lot, just enough to buy my books for class, decals, gas etc.... the needs!

So Mote It Be.......

LadyAutumnCat

September 15th, 2006, 11:10 PM

Goddess,

Still stressing over school. My finances are still shot, but I did get help for books, thank you! I have a group discussion to do on Tuesday and the reading for it is quite intense. After 3 reads for each article I finally have the stuff down. Now I just need to synthesize, prepare questions, and find a way to actually discuss this stuff. Goddess, please watch over me and give me the extra oomph I need to be inspired.

Thank you.
So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

September 17th, 2006, 03:33 AM

Goddess,

The dark veil is enveloping me again.... the sadness settles in heavily. I'm having bad thoughts, self-defeating thoughts. I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm unsure.

Years go by but some things don't change. The fundamentals don't change. I need to fundamentally change, but I'm starting to suspect that in my case it's not possible....

Just strength please and when the time is right a little more, something to make me smile.....

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

September 17th, 2006, 08:52 PM

Goddess,

Thank you and just a little more strength..... help me get through Tuesday....and be successful.....

So Mote It Be.....

LadyAutumnCat

September 18th, 2006, 08:49 PM

Goddess,

I'm having a really bad day. Things have gone badly, I got rejected for something at school that I don't even want to do. I have to submit another abstract and I just feel stupid. I'm not feeling this work and at the same time, I've never been rejected like this before. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. It's just not my day. Please Goddess, give me the inspiration I need to submit something better by tomorrow and to get through this semester. I feel like a failure.

So mote it be....

Xander67

September 19th, 2006, 02:23 AM

so mote it be!

Give your Daughter strength and motivation to get through.

LadyAutumnCat

September 20th, 2006, 12:07 PM

Thank you Goddess......:fpraise:

LadyAutumnCat

September 23rd, 2006, 04:33 PM

Goddess,

Just needing general motivation and inspiration. I'm so close to the end, and I can't believe it. I'm so happy!!

I need your assistance in making sure that I can get through with it all by next semester. That I can convince someone to offer the class I need in the spring! And that all my paperwork gets processed, quickly and CORRECTLY this time!

Please, guide me on the right path healthwise, I need to find my way....
So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

September 27th, 2006, 01:17 PM

Goddess,

The depression and hopelessness is gripping me yet again. I have such a difficult time making it through anything right now, everything seems so much more difficult than it is. Please help me, please.

So mote it be......

LadyAutumnCat

September 29th, 2006, 11:39 PM

Goddess,

This must be a test of some sort. I'm unraveling as it is, I didn't need the extra strain, but I have to deal with it now. Please Goddess I beg of you to give healing strength to my animals: Diana, Oscar, Sasha, Coco, and Fredo. Please let them pull through from their ailments and let us be able to nurse them appropriately. Please protect Fredo and Coco during their procedures and please let Sasha's heart murmur be just a heart murmur; if not, please let us be able to take care of her properly and for a long time.

Also please watch over those who I can not be with now, you know who they are. And please let the letter bring some sort of resolution.

Goddess, empower me and help me make it through these next few assignments. Help me get myself together and help me get stronger.

Watch over my mom, she doesn't look good or feel good. And, of course, my father.....

LadyAutumnCat

October 2nd, 2006, 12:25 AM

Goddess,

I'm almost done with my application to Princeton University's PhD program in Ecology and Conservation. My heart is in my throat, I'm filled with doubt and feeling inferior. Can I do this? Can I get into either one of my two top chosen schools.... Columbia U and/or Princeton? Can I hack it? What if I don't? What if no one wants me?

How can I do this with my several disorders? How can I achieve when half the time I don't believe in myself. Sometimes I'm shocked that I'm halfway through my Masters at MSU. MSU, seems pissanty compared to the previous two. Why would they want me?

I trust in you.... I do.... I'm applying to the above mentioned and my last choice, Rutgers. Something tells me I'll be gracing them with my presence; reluctantly, but I guess that's what us normal Jersey students get? I don't know. There's hope as long as I haven't received a rejection!!!

Scared witless......

LadyAutumnCat

October 7th, 2006, 06:58 PM

Goddess,

Why? What did I do? Why can't I have that answer? Why does it still hurt? Why is he happy? Why am I miserable? When, when, Goddess? I'm looking for something/someone but I don't know who or where to find whatever I need.

I trust that someday you will bring me what is meant to be for me. I'd like love eventually, I really would, but it has to be right, he has to be right. I know he's out there.

I really do wish Louie well. I hope the animals are well. I am no longer wanted there, my heart will always ache for my babies.

Give me strength

So mote it be......

LadyAutumnCat

October 8th, 2006, 02:28 PM

Goddess,

Guide me on my journey, help me find my way, please send me in the right direction, help alight me on my path.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 8th, 2006, 07:09 PM

Goddess,

Thank you for this pain, thank you for the realization, thank you for the past. Now I'd like to live my todays and tomorrows.

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

October 12th, 2006, 07:11 PM

Goddess,

Please give me the strength of mind to sound and be intelligent tomorrow. I've worked really hard and am VERY tired, so the combo is killing me. Not much sleep for tonight..... Please Goddess watch over me and let me say the right things.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

October 14th, 2006, 09:15 PM

Goddess,

You always challenge me appropriately and give me the challenges I need. I trust in you and thank you.

The loneliness is starting to creep in. I ask for your help to prepare me for change and to bring me someone good and dreamy for me.

Help me help myself, you know how.

Thank you.
So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

October 14th, 2006, 09:25 PM

Goddess,

You know what's in my heart and mind. I wish him luck and the best. I send him goodbyes and a warm embrace. I love them and always will, but I send them painful goodbyes as well. I did my best and I tried for all I was worth.

Send me someone like him (not the one above not the one I know) or send me him. Whatever is right Goddess, I trust. In patience and in silence I wait and learn and change and grow.

((Goodbye dear friend you shaped me, ruined me, destroyed me, and caused me to rebuild. Care for them, love them, I know I always will. My heart hurts for them, but I'm trusting you as I have no other choice.))

Goddess give me strength.
So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 16th, 2006, 05:55 PM

Goddess,

I feel a change. I think that was a sign, a couple of nights ago. I really believe that it is all possible, I just need to be in the right place at the right time. The decisions that I am going to make in the next few months will greatly shape my life. I'm hoping that what I have been dreaming about and thinking about will come to fruition.

I am learning to trust and accept, to move forward and just "know" it's not always easy, but I am taking baby steps. I feel closer to you than I have ever felt before. I don't know exactly why this is all changing, but I am glad it is. I am growing in leaps and bounds, preparing, shaping, molding..... it will all come to pass in the right way. I trust in you....

Bring me "him", please. I humbly wait.

LadyAutumnCat

October 19th, 2006, 12:34 AM

Goddess,

Give me strength and inspiration. Tomorrow is likely to be trying and it's mostly my fault. Please inspire me to write this paper and study this weekend. Much at stake and I'm at a low point.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 19th, 2006, 11:19 PM

Goddess,

I still need your strength. I did most of the reading I'm going to do for this paper so tomorrow it's time to write. Guide my mind to intelligent and well formulated thoughts.

So mote it be.....

nightchild

October 20th, 2006, 01:01 PM

Goddess,

Bless LadyAutumnCat for her kindness.

So mote it be.

LadyAutumnCat

October 21st, 2006, 04:38 AM

Goddess,

I'm changing and I thank you. I'm not used to this piecemeal change, but am accepting it as it comes. It's a very unique experience. I trust, I know you know what is right.

Also, there's a new connection.... I can feel it. It's very strange....it's giving me hope....

In patience, I wait.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 21st, 2006, 10:24 PM

Goddess,

Thank you....
You know how people always say they will marry someone in particular and end up doing so.

Well, here goes - I WILL marry him (or maybe not marry officially but you know)......no, there's no one in my life but maybe by saying that "he" will show up. :)

Only when I'm ready, of course.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

October 26th, 2006, 12:13 AM

Goddess,

Please watch over Diana, keep her safe and help her get healthy again. She'll be staying at the vet's for a few more days. Please mother, let her heal and be healthy for a few more years. Let her illnesses either be curable or manageable. I miss her so very much. The house seems empty without her. I keep thinking I have to take her for a walk, but she's not home. Her empty blankie and pillow sadden me. Please, keep her well and heal her.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

October 27th, 2006, 10:07 PM

Goddess,

Please continue to watch over Diana. They were to stop the IV fluids today and see if she can eat on her own and keep the food down, please let that be the case. If it isn't, let there be something we can do to help her. Please, I don't want to lose her, not yet.

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

October 30th, 2006, 10:56 PM

Goddess,

Thank you again for Diana coming home. She is holding her own (knock on wood).

Thank you for your assistance today while my patience was tried and my nerves were on end. Please let the return flight be much easier.

Also, watch over my parents as they both fly tonight and tomorrow. Please let my father find his way to Uruguay and my mother to Spain safely. Watch over our house and those of us in it, keep us all safe. Please Goddess give me the strength to be in 50 places at one time while I'm running the show. And please a little extra for tomorrow, I hope I didn't do too badly, though I suspect I was a bit hasty in my need to get out of the classroom for fear of crying, last week.

Watch over us.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 31st, 2006, 04:13 PM

Goddess,

My mother got to Spain safely, thank you so very much for that. I am still waiting to hear from my father. I believe his flight landed this afternoon. Why hasn't he called yet? Please let her at least call to find out what is going on, I left her a message, but maybe she's just too high and mighty to bother. Sometimes I dread going home because of her!!! UGH!

Goddess, please give me strength and please allow my parents to be safe.
So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

October 31st, 2006, 09:15 PM

Goddess,

I have all of these feelings coursing through me. I am curious but nervous, apprehensive yet hopeful. I know he's out there, I can feel him, but I just haven't met him yet. Sometimes I worry that I will be alone for the rest fo my life, but then I remind myself to just trust in you, that you know when the time is right. I trust in you, I just get anxious sometimes. Guide me please. Help me along as you always do.

I love you, Goddess and humbly thank you.
So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

November 5th, 2006, 06:29 PM

Goddess,

Once again I ask for strength. I'm slowly trying to pull myself together, to go with the flow of my life, and to prepare myself for the future. Right now my stress levels are through the roof due to school and the need to really get my PhD applications off the ground right now. Help me do it all Goddess, help me push forward, get inspiration, and finish this semester with a bang. Then one more and I'm outta there!!

Thank you, heal me, you know what I mean..... I'm going toward the unhealthy emotionally and physically...... help me heal.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

November 6th, 2006, 01:28 AM

Thank you Goddess for the inspiration, the idea, the successful search for information! Now I have to knock his socks off with my writing! Please continue to guide me and inspire me as I embark on the next 3 to 4 stressful weeks ahead.

Guide me to take better care of myself as I know that when I open myself up to the changes (even more than I already am) that my life will improve tremendously. I just have to learn to dust myself off and love myself again. It's been tough and slow going, but I'm approaching that point.

Blue eyes, they are what I dream of. He didn't have them, no he had hazel eyes that consumed me and destroyed me.... Blue eyes are what I am waiting for.... I'll know.....

Finally, please, please, please let him have gotten the point. I'm not interested not now, not ever..... I just want a friend in him, that's all......

LadyAutumnCat

November 6th, 2006, 05:59 PM

Goddess,

I'm so unwell, physically because I haven't remained active these past couple of weeks, my gym routine was upset and now I'm so sluggish and tired. Please help me get my diet and exercise back on track before too much damage is done.

Also, help me keep my cool and to appropriately manage my time in the next couple of weeks so that I can get my schoolwork done and my applications done in time. I really want to apply to Oxford, so I can't miss the deadline of the 24th. I suppose, whatever happens happens, right?

I vacillate between lonely and satisfied. There's no one in my life I'm interested in, no one I know... Yet I long for someone, you know. I don't know if he'll ever materialize in my life, but I hold out hope that when the time is right, it will happen.

Please guide me, I want to feel better, to function again... to feel whole.

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

November 8th, 2006, 12:18 AM

Goddess,

Help me grasp this stuff so that I can have an intelligent discussion... help me prepare the power point for the lecture.... give me strength and inspiration please.

Also, I'd like to hold HIM someday.... whenever..... when the time is right......

I think I'm finally starting to have an understanding of what love is supposed to be, it certainly isn't that co-dependent crap I had with the ex. It's kind of sad that I spent almost 11 years of my life with someone when real love wasn't involved. All of that time lost in an unhealthy relationship, but I trust that something bigger and better will come out of it.

Now, if I could only fix myself.....

Thank you....

So mote it be.....

LadyAutumnCat

November 9th, 2006, 11:49 PM

Goddess,

Once again I need your help so that I can synthesize information for my presentation. Please Goddess, inspire me and help me do my best.
So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

November 14th, 2006, 12:59 AM

Goddess,

Thank you, I'm emotionally and physically feeling better.
Please watch over me tomorrow while I present and lead a discussion.

Please watch over Diana, she's been sick again.

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

November 16th, 2006, 02:05 AM

Goddess,

I'm off to the vet tomorrow with Diana, please let her CBC levels be normal/better. I worry about her so very much, constantly. I also think she's experiencing hearing loss. Sigh.... Time flies, I can still remember the day we got her......

I happened to do a search on Stephen Fry and found his official website. Turns out he has bipolar disorder and filmed a BBC special about it. I was reading the booklet the website links to about bipolar disorder and it turns out that 1 in 7 untreated people commit suicide. That scares me. Treated or untreated I struggle, never really getting it all under control. Sure it's comforting to know that my thoughts, feelings, mood swings etc are all due to this disorder, but it's scary because it's not what I thought was normal. I always sort of just hoped it would get better as I got older, but it seems that the exact opposite is happening. I can tell that I'm cycling more than I used to and I know that with time it can get worse if left untreated; however I could also end up dependent on the medication for life. Actually, I don't see that happening since every medication they have tried has failed miserably. Anyhow, I ask you to help me with this. Help me to find guidance/assistance where ever necessary.

Watch over me and my family, in general. And please Goddess inspire me to write these papers....

I thank you, humbly, for coming into my life so many years ago....

So mote it be....

LadyAutumnCat

November 16th, 2006, 06:41 PM

Goddess,

I implore you to help me with this, I want to feel and be healthy again. Please. :fpraise:

So mote it be...

LadyAutumnCat

November 28th, 2006, 11:10 PM

Goddess,

Today has been a terrible day. I realize how alone I am and how utterly worthless. I'm scared, scared of so much, scared of forever being held back by my disorders, scared of ending up on the street. I want to take control of my life and not need others to help me.

I also want her out of my life forever. I utterly hate her. Maybe I hate her because of who she is and maybe I hate her for what she does to me, and maybe I even hate her for hitting me where it hurts. I just hate her. Please, let her move on with her life and leave me out of it. I want nothing to do with her.

Goddess, this time I truly beg of you to help me with my life. To please help me get myself in order and to find another job as I'm afraid I'm not going to have this one for much longer and because I need more money. Please Goddess, I'm scared and tired of being dependent on others. I'm afraid of losing my parents, not only because I love them so much, but because I will be truly alone with no help.

I didn't ask to be sick, I didn't ask for this, but I realize that I have to finally learn how to live with this because I could end up on the streets. I need to be able to take care of myself and my animals. I'm scared, I used to have someone but he jumped ship. I guess I would jump ship if I could.

Help me, I haven't considered killing myself in so long, but now it's actually looking like a good option because I'm useless, a burden, nothing.

So mote it be....