Lucidia
August 13th, 2001, 10:52 AM
okay, quick overview.
i'm very insecure, and i have pretty low self esteem. i've been cheated on before, and I also know how women think.
when i first met my husband, I had some bad reactions to his female friends. mostly because they never bothered to say hello to both him AND I.... and because some of them outright didn't care if I was upset with something they said or did. You know how it is.. the age old conflict between friends and lovers... whose side do you take... it's hard to explain it to either person...
Luckily for me, or so I thought, he was taking my side all the way. If they got mad because he wasn't hanging out with them anymore, and they blamed me, he simply told them off and that was that. One by one, he lost a bunch of his close female friends.
One night he, his best friend, another friend of ours and I all had a conversation saying that it's not good to be overlyfriendly to women other than your SO, since from experience, I know that in many cases, I have unintelligently expected a guy (friend or perhaps former love interest), to choose me over their SO, in regard to making time for me, and I have myself been guilty of trying to distract someone away from their SO, even when I myself really had no truly deep interest in them (not like i was madly in love with them and on the verge of suicide without being their g/f or something silly like that), just because I liked the idea that was important to them... and if possible, that I was prettier, or more appealing, or more interesting, than this other woman (the stereotypical constant female comparision problem... can't seem to walk by another woman without finding something to feel inferior/superior about in regards to them).
I mean.. what a power trip. Being put ahead of someone's SO. I think a lot more people do it than realize it. Kind of like... when i've heard people say "bue we've been friends for years.. aren't I important to you?". such a hard thing to try and explain to someone... i mean... friends can be forever.. but your wife/husband/lifemate/etc should also be your friend and if possible your closest confidant, since you may have, in the case of marriage, made a promise to LIFETIME commitment.
I'm not saying that having a healthy social life is bad. I'm just saying i hate when people try and get me, or anyone for that matter, to choose between their SO and their friendship.
So anyways... my hubby stopped talking to a bunch of people, some just because it bothered me that he had "fooled around" with them in the past.. some just because they didn't seem to have any respect for our relationship (they would come up, obviosly flirting, find out he got married, and run off. My husband says i should be greatful they left, and didn't continue flirting, I personally think, that whatever their intentions, they should have at least had the respect to introduce themselves to me, maybe making it less obvious they only wanted to get down his pants... before they made their hasty retreat, but i suppose it does damage one's pride to get rejected, even if the reason is something that should be as UN-insulting as "i'm married")
However, i didn't stop talking to guys/girls that i'd fooled around with, or that at some point were interested in me. mostly i was just talking to these people online, as where all of the people in question in regard to my hubby, where all in person, and often when i wasn't even with him. Some of them, however, were REALLY close friends of mine. So really don't even think about the fact that i'd fooled around with them once or twice, because we were friends... and not some kind of lust obsessed animals, and we were perfectly capable of never even letting a few past instances stand in the way of a strong and wonderful friendship. IN my opinion... friends of a very close nature can easily share an experience like that and not have it interfere with their friendship. However, I wasn't really giving my husband that opportunity. I didn't trust anything female anywhere near him. let alone someone who had possibly surpassed me in some minor detail (prettier, thinner, better lover, smarter, funnier, etc).
Me and husband have been having communication problems for a while now. I'm very insecure about that, because i'm afraid that if he is hanging out and communcating better with some other woman, especially someone who may be "better" than me in some department, that he'll eventually get fed up with our relationship, perhaps helped along by the "advice" of this "friend" and end up leaving me, or cheating on me, with this other woman.
I know that's kinda silly and unrealistic, but i'm just so depressed, that i can't help but feel bad.
So i apologized to him... and tried to fix things.. but apparently it's "too late" for him to fix some of the friendships he "lost" because of my insecurities. However, my friends are still my friends.. despite what has happened as of late.
I personally think that if these girls were REALLY his friends... they would have understood what was going on, and not completely stopped and vow to never again be his friend just becasue he stopped hanging out with them as much (also keep in mind, that until a month ago, neither one of us was employed, and both of us were living in NJ, and still are, with no long distance, and almost all of these girls live in NYC), or stopped talking to them. Maybe they shouldn't have blamed me 100%, when i wasn't directly against him speaking to ALL of them... he took a sort of safety precaution, worried that i'd freak out, like i had with the first friend-who-is-a-girl situation, and that conversation we had with our friends that night... and stopped talking to all of them.
Now he kinda resents me, cause i "made" him lose all these "close" friends of his.. and i still talk to people that are, in his opinion, more offensive and more suspicious than his female friends. now that i'm willing to openly let him be friends with anyone, offensive or not... now he's like.. saying it's too late... and he doesn't care who i'm friends with, but he's hurt that he lost all his friends and told them all off, but i didn't do the same for him....
i dunno what to do.. and how to fix it... *frowns*.. and although he seems perfectly complacent.. i'm miserable!
i'm very insecure, and i have pretty low self esteem. i've been cheated on before, and I also know how women think.
when i first met my husband, I had some bad reactions to his female friends. mostly because they never bothered to say hello to both him AND I.... and because some of them outright didn't care if I was upset with something they said or did. You know how it is.. the age old conflict between friends and lovers... whose side do you take... it's hard to explain it to either person...
Luckily for me, or so I thought, he was taking my side all the way. If they got mad because he wasn't hanging out with them anymore, and they blamed me, he simply told them off and that was that. One by one, he lost a bunch of his close female friends.
One night he, his best friend, another friend of ours and I all had a conversation saying that it's not good to be overlyfriendly to women other than your SO, since from experience, I know that in many cases, I have unintelligently expected a guy (friend or perhaps former love interest), to choose me over their SO, in regard to making time for me, and I have myself been guilty of trying to distract someone away from their SO, even when I myself really had no truly deep interest in them (not like i was madly in love with them and on the verge of suicide without being their g/f or something silly like that), just because I liked the idea that was important to them... and if possible, that I was prettier, or more appealing, or more interesting, than this other woman (the stereotypical constant female comparision problem... can't seem to walk by another woman without finding something to feel inferior/superior about in regards to them).
I mean.. what a power trip. Being put ahead of someone's SO. I think a lot more people do it than realize it. Kind of like... when i've heard people say "bue we've been friends for years.. aren't I important to you?". such a hard thing to try and explain to someone... i mean... friends can be forever.. but your wife/husband/lifemate/etc should also be your friend and if possible your closest confidant, since you may have, in the case of marriage, made a promise to LIFETIME commitment.
I'm not saying that having a healthy social life is bad. I'm just saying i hate when people try and get me, or anyone for that matter, to choose between their SO and their friendship.
So anyways... my hubby stopped talking to a bunch of people, some just because it bothered me that he had "fooled around" with them in the past.. some just because they didn't seem to have any respect for our relationship (they would come up, obviosly flirting, find out he got married, and run off. My husband says i should be greatful they left, and didn't continue flirting, I personally think, that whatever their intentions, they should have at least had the respect to introduce themselves to me, maybe making it less obvious they only wanted to get down his pants... before they made their hasty retreat, but i suppose it does damage one's pride to get rejected, even if the reason is something that should be as UN-insulting as "i'm married")
However, i didn't stop talking to guys/girls that i'd fooled around with, or that at some point were interested in me. mostly i was just talking to these people online, as where all of the people in question in regard to my hubby, where all in person, and often when i wasn't even with him. Some of them, however, were REALLY close friends of mine. So really don't even think about the fact that i'd fooled around with them once or twice, because we were friends... and not some kind of lust obsessed animals, and we were perfectly capable of never even letting a few past instances stand in the way of a strong and wonderful friendship. IN my opinion... friends of a very close nature can easily share an experience like that and not have it interfere with their friendship. However, I wasn't really giving my husband that opportunity. I didn't trust anything female anywhere near him. let alone someone who had possibly surpassed me in some minor detail (prettier, thinner, better lover, smarter, funnier, etc).
Me and husband have been having communication problems for a while now. I'm very insecure about that, because i'm afraid that if he is hanging out and communcating better with some other woman, especially someone who may be "better" than me in some department, that he'll eventually get fed up with our relationship, perhaps helped along by the "advice" of this "friend" and end up leaving me, or cheating on me, with this other woman.
I know that's kinda silly and unrealistic, but i'm just so depressed, that i can't help but feel bad.
So i apologized to him... and tried to fix things.. but apparently it's "too late" for him to fix some of the friendships he "lost" because of my insecurities. However, my friends are still my friends.. despite what has happened as of late.
I personally think that if these girls were REALLY his friends... they would have understood what was going on, and not completely stopped and vow to never again be his friend just becasue he stopped hanging out with them as much (also keep in mind, that until a month ago, neither one of us was employed, and both of us were living in NJ, and still are, with no long distance, and almost all of these girls live in NYC), or stopped talking to them. Maybe they shouldn't have blamed me 100%, when i wasn't directly against him speaking to ALL of them... he took a sort of safety precaution, worried that i'd freak out, like i had with the first friend-who-is-a-girl situation, and that conversation we had with our friends that night... and stopped talking to all of them.
Now he kinda resents me, cause i "made" him lose all these "close" friends of his.. and i still talk to people that are, in his opinion, more offensive and more suspicious than his female friends. now that i'm willing to openly let him be friends with anyone, offensive or not... now he's like.. saying it's too late... and he doesn't care who i'm friends with, but he's hurt that he lost all his friends and told them all off, but i didn't do the same for him....
i dunno what to do.. and how to fix it... *frowns*.. and although he seems perfectly complacent.. i'm miserable!