Nasty Habit hubby

[Nuah]

if i wanted my husband to give up his rude and offensive (to me its offensive) porn/vouyer/plain perverted habit, what could i say and if that doesnt work, is there a spell out there i can use? (maybe hex him so that he never gets a hardon when he looks at the stuff??? lol) (i can live without woopie)

anyones advise or laughs are welcome, i need some cheering up on this issue, its starting to get way out of hand and very very irritating!!!

thanks :)

Nuah:confused:

[Myst]

JMHO but I think if you hex him you're going to get one heck of a karmic kick in the butt. It would be much better for you to discuss it with him and how it makes you uncomfortable and try to compromise, maybe even see a marriage counsellor....

[Nuah]

i have tried to talk to him, he just gets angry every single time, also defensive, always asks why i bring it up, and ive suggested marraige counseling but he wont go because "it nver worked in the past for anyone he knew" and "he dont think we need it" so im pretty lost here......... help?



Nuah

[Xois]

Well, I am not sure how to approach this as I don't know the extent of the habit...but is there something you need to deal with too? I mean, if he is staying up all night, not going to work, and neglecting you...than thats a problem...but if it just makes you feel insecure, than, perhaps its more your problem than his...I am grasping here, since I don't know the whole story...

Is it affecting your sex life, it is impacting your ability to enjoy your husband, is it just that you don't find value in / don't like it?

I suggest if it is something you simply don't like, ie, its not affecting your sex life or your loving relationship with your husband than perhaps its not that big of a deal...

Xois

[Silver Venus]

It really shakes your confidence not to mention your sex drive..

When that happened to me with an ex (and we didnt split up over this..) I got very upset and annoyed that I couldnt stop and didnt really have the right to stop him..
...then I started commenting on men on the tele... saying about Bradd Pitt ;) "Oh he's gorgeous!" and so on... and after several days of reminding him I still fancy other men and still look at other men he stopped being a ego exploding man and started to feel sensitive too!..
Also if you get your zing back after looking at all those hot guys, you can try dressing up for him and doing something different.. show him that you can be much, much better than those girls and just watching it!

:sunny:

[Xois]

Danustouch

My SO does it too (hell, so do i!) and we have incoporated it into our play... :)

Its much more interesting to share it (if one likes that sort of thing...)

As a goof, sometimes he will leave my desktop wall paper changed to something...but only when he knows I'll be the only one to see it, and it usually means its an open invitation *wiggles eyebrows* if you know what I mean!

To us, its part of our lovemaking and play...

:D

Xois

*going to search out the SO now*

[Xois]

yeah, I know ...

I AM my mans slut though *wink wink*

hehehehe

We dont' do it all the time...just sometimes... :D

[Lucidia]

i personally experienced this problem recently.

i tried to deal with it.. since every guy i know claimed that it was "natural" and "necassary" to mastrubate to pornography (apparently it's too difficult to attain climax without visual stimulation).

i offered him pictures of me, in ahem.. uh... appropriate states of clothed-ness, but apparently he wanted to see things that i personally didn't have any pictures of me (mainly smb&d stuff). he claimed he was really just needed the image and then imagined me in the same positions (since our living arrangement doesn't allow for such... interesting play).

it still hurt. finding sites bookmarked, and my history filled with porn.

i cried and whined but i still let him do it, until he got sick of me crying over it, and finally just gave in and stopped.

all i can say, is i'm still upset, because we're hardly intimate anymore, and it makes me extra insecure.

as far as spells, since i don't want to get off topic...

it just doesn't work. if he doesn't REALLY want to stop, then you might stop him temporarily, but eventually he will break free from it (much like "love" spells, which when used against someone's will can often end with deep hatred for the person who cast it), and possibly carry much resentment.

if he doesn't understand that it hurts you, then you should consider the fact that he's not being sensitive to your feelings, and concentrate on that more than the fact that he's doing something that nearly every guy i know does on a regular basis, whether they are single, attached, married, etc; it doesn't seem to matter.

if he insists on doing "it" anyway, perhaps, if you aren't too shy or inhibited, maybe you can work out some "alternative" to his... "viewing material". Other than that, I see no way to get a man to stop if he honestly doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong.

[Rick]

OK... male point of view here... most men are more strongly visually stimulated than most women... I will be the first to admit that I find viewing pictures of 'butt nekkid women' very enjoyable. BUT... that has nothing to do with an addiction, or an addictive personality. Some people develop addictions to porn, or sex (take the instance of Bill Clinton).

Nuah, does your hubby display other signs of an addictive personality? Smoking, drinking, drugs, etc? If so, then personal counseling (in conjunction with marriage counseling), maybe combined with a 12 step program (yes, there is Sex-aholics Anonymous) may be the answer. And if he won't go, dear, then find an Al-Anon chapter & go, yourself, & get some inside info on dealing with people with addictions.

PS- I'm not Wiccan, don't believe in Karma, or the rule of three. Hex away. But remember, all actions have results (read: consequences). Think it out before you cast.

[Earth Walker]

Originally posted by Rick
OK... male point of view here... most men are more strongly visually stimulated than most women... I will be the first to admit that I find viewing pictures of 'butt nekkid women' very enjoyable. BUT... that has nothing to do with an addiction, or an addictive personality. Some people develop addictions to porn, or sex (take the instance of Bill Clinton).

Nuah, does your hubby display other signs of an addictive personality? Smoking, drinking, drugs, etc? If so, then personal counseling (in conjunction with marriage counseling), maybe combined with a 12 step program (yes, there is Sex-aholics Anonymous) may be the answer. And if he won't go, dear, then find an Al-Anon chapter & go, yourself, & get some inside info on dealing with people with addictions.

PS- I'm not Wiccan, don't believe in Karma, or the rule of three. Hex away. But remember, all actions have results (read: consequences). Think it out before you cast.

How 'bout a thread: Nasty hubby habit...;) hehehe:D 8O 8O 8O


Only my Cat understands me.
************************
There are only two times I feel stress.
Day :D and Night :D

[Nuah]

mysty pines, you could not have hit my thoughts and feelings any better than that. i have a 2 year old who is just starting to repeat things and you get the pic from there. but it is a big blow to my self esteem because not even 8 months ago i had a baby and am having major probs with weight. ive asked him countless times to stop or cut down, he does for awhile but then it goes back up. and he openly admits its an addiction but wont seek help! ive given serious thought to leaving him but i dont want to be the reason he dives into self mutilation or dives into porn further or destroys his military career. i want to do for him what all those nice looking ladies do for him on "live porn feeds" aka internet video porn of girls masturbating and stuff. that really hits me hard but i cant say anything to him without him getting upset, and joining him is like his dream come true! for me to go and say that oh this or that guy is cute, or sorry hun im not going to blow you because ive already got my self done today. its rediculous and its destroying my taste to even want to have intimatcy with him at all anymore. ive told him all this countless times but he just doesnt get it ..........:confused: :mad:


Nuah

[Apotheosis]

Ladies,

Don't facilitate this behavior. Make it clear that this is unacceptable. If it persists, he has made his choice. A small amount of porn is reflective of a healthy sexuality. A subscription to Playboy does not an asshole make. But if he is forsaking his love life with you for it, he is not worth it.

Be clear, be concise, back up your statements with action. I hate it when men walk all over womens feelings...

[Xois]

Oh Boy

*puts on flame retardant suit*

Ok, what I hear from nearly everyone here is that the problem seems to be amplified by our own insecurities...

I am not coming down on anyone here, not trying to offend, only trying to help.

I don't know anyones history beyond what they decided to share and I don't know everyones exact situation, but it troubles me that the activity is drudging up all these insecurities...that means they were there before, they aren't necessarily caused by the activity.

I have my own set of insecurities. I have never thought of myself as fat (I am 218 and 5'8") but according to all precise measurements, I am obese *snort* I have always had a very happy sex life and have had lots of dates...i believe its all about personality...not body. People in general, I think, have a problem separating fantasy from reality. Someone having a healthy fantasy and masturbatory life is normal...

Of course, I will restate, that I don't know the extent of the problems illustrated in this thread...

I know body image is a real problem for some that can be exacerbated by past situations and the current media, but my problem is with brains...I would start to become very insecure if my SO started looking at pictures of really smart women....

I hate it when my SO talks to women who are really smart! That is ridiculous...and the problem is with me...

Just a thought ladies...perhaps you are all dealing with issues too...now that doesn't mean that your life mate shouldn't be sensitive to your needs...and the need to feel like you are number one in your mans eyes is not wrong...and yes, if he is doing the porn thing and knows how much it hurts you and bothers you, than he shares some fault too...

But you have to start with yourselves...

But he has to play a part as well...

just my thoughts
Xois

[slvr_phoenix]

I have to agree with Apotheosis and with Xois. If the problem is with him, then don't let him get away with it. If the problem is with your own insecurities though, maybe you should be the one trying to change. If the problem is with both of you, then you should both try to change.

It's a pet peve of mine when people let their insecurities cause them to be offended / hurt by something that isn't offensive / hurtful.

I have to say that I do personally find the thought mildly upsetting if a SO has to look at pictures or movies of other people just to be able to bring themselves to ... err ... get it on. That's kind of sad. I wouldn't say sick though, just depressing.

I also have to give that some defense though and let you all in on a little known fact. We get together into long term relationships and marry for love. :o

For love.

Not for sex appeal. Not for appearances. But for friendship, compassion, and love.

So I can completely see where some (almost all) people still find other people attractive. Maybe even sometimes more attractive than their SO. This is NOT a bad thing. I mean lets face it. None of us are perfect. There will ALWAYS be someone better than us at any one given thing. So why should we expect our SO to pretend that this isn't true and that we're the ultimate most beautiful, intelligent, sexy, loving, funny, etc., etc., amazing being in the entire universe. We know we aren't. But our SO chose us because they LIKE who we are. They see something in us that they don't see in that blond giving herself a fun time. And so we should find confidence that at the end of the day, we're the one with our SO, not that blond.

As for 'doing the deed' alone, I don't think there's anything wrong with that either ... so long as they're still up for some fun with you. I mean they can hardly go to your workplace and jump you on your desk, so when the mood strikes, it strikes. There's nothing wrong with relieving a little pent-up anxiety... So long as they're still interested in you.

That's the defining point of a problem, is if they're still interested in you or not.

Okay, I've said my piece. **L** Feel free to tear me to bits now.

[Mariposa De La Luna]

To get back on topic. This is a personal and a married couple problem. Magick isn't the solution.

Maybe you should discuss with him why you got married in the first place and why things have changed from both of your views and how it makes you feel. If he is Pagan/Wiccan/whatever also,maybe you can do a ritual together asking for the help/stregnth/clarity of mind/etc. that you need to face your problem together. It takes two willing honest communicative participants to make a marriage.

[Xois]

So it comes down to this, can you tell me that it doesn't bother you that your SO looks at naked women in order to get aroused? You don't think that reflects upon you in some way? How can you believe that he truly wants you, when he needs to look at other women? Obviously, our SO's are not getting what they need from us, or we cannot fulfill their "physical appearance fantasy requirement."

No that simply isnt true! Don't you have fantasies? Do they ALWAYS involve your husband?!

It absolutly DOES NOT bother me in any way...and it is NOT a reflection on me...Who I am or what I am able to give, not give my SO! We incorporate it into our play and he uses porn too for himself...He loves me more than anything and I believe him...its called trust...He is not, nor should be responsible for MY insecurities...Just like I am not responsible for his!

I do not need to be intrigrated into my SO's every whim and thought process! He can have any fantasy he wants, and I am allowed the same. Masturbation is not a suplement to sexual activity...it is a way to connect and spend time with oneselves...there I times when I perfer it...as time to appreicate and love myself...

I fantize about being with Women all the time...that has nothing to do with what my SO is giving or not giving me...its fantasy, not reality...

Do you need to look at other men...don't you like it...or have you totally shut down your ability to appreciate the physical beauty of others?

So my opinion is that No, his interest in porn is not indicative of my being inadequet in any way! I shall ask him why he likes porn and I'll report what he says..

Cheers
Xois

[Xois]

and i beg your pardon, that last post sounded a bit snippy...i didn't intend it to! :D

[Xois]

Right! On Topic...

Sorry. :D

No magick won't help...unless you work a spell on yourself...such as to make yourself more daring or to instill confidence in yourself...

But there is little or nothing of magickal possibility, that will have long lasting effects....

[Semele]

I agree that it is perfectly normal to fantasize and look at porn, or whatever...occasionally. Even subscribing to an email list that puts erotic stories and pics in your email each day is fine as I see it. However, three and four hours a day seems a little much to me.

Do you ever look at it with him? You never know what great ideas you both may get!

I wont say this is your hang up or his...who am I to judge that? However, if you have asked him to cut back and he can't or wont, then I see that as an issue that needs work. If Mol was doing anything that I asked him to stop and he refused without giving me a valid reason or tried to hide it from me....I would worry.

I agree with Slvr in that marriages happen out of love and genuine like for your SO. It is not always about physical attraction. When you love someone deeply they are attractive to you on a very deep level. Sure they are still going to be attracted on a purely physical level to the Pamela Andersons of the world. Who wouldn't be?? That doesn't mean he would trade you in for one of them. Just like I wouldn't trade mol in for Brad Pitt.....now Jim Morrison is another story!!!;)

But, by the same token, that level of love that they have for you should make them step back and really listen when you are making a request such as this. As for magik, I would say meditate and ask for assistance from your guides. They can help you find the answer you are seeking if you will listen to them.

Good luck!

[Nuah]

ok, to sum up the answers to alot of your questions, no, i dont find the fact that he does the porn a problem, its the fact that he hasnt stopped after ive asked him countless times, he hides it from me by doing it when im not at home, i understand that he is trying to be respectful in that way but i didnt ask him to hide it from me, i asked him to just plain stop.

and the biggest things that bother me about the porn is the facts that he goes to live video feeds with the option to chat. we met in an adult sexual chat, so there are alot of insecurities there, and we have almost broke up twice over adult chats. i have a very low self esteem, and no that is not his problem to deal with i know that, BUT he could at least respect me enough to help me get over the insecurities by stopping the online porn altogether for awhile until i am positive of myself and trustful of him. and as of right now he has barely any trust from me due to past mistakes he made. i feel as if i am inadequet for him, like im not doing anything besides getting him off when he needs a quick piece of flesh, or feels a bit kinky.

he has suggested "swinging" where couples sleep with couples, i said no a few times and he still didnt give up so i finally said "look, if you dont drop the idea and get it out of your head you will be swinging on your own without a family to come home to." after that he dropped it, but i did explain in there that it made me feel as if he didnt want just me. like he needed someone else to be sexually happy in his marriage, i feel this same way with the online porn.

i want and need someone who only has eyes for ME. not some bimbo on porn chat or porn videos. i know most are nice and not bimbos, but when they influence my husband they are bimbos to me. i have enough problems in my life without worrying which porn diva my husband is chatting to while im gone to work or out running errands for a few hours. and its not sometimes while im gone, its EVERY time im not home.

another thing, who is to say he is not making friends with an online porn chick? and whose to say he wont fall in love with her and divorce me? i know its not likely to happen but it is very possible. many of us women have these insecurities. and many of the women who read this will relate in some way to the things ive said, and those suggestions any of you have, male or female are very welcome!!! :)

thanks-
Nuah

[Myst]

Originally posted by Nuah
i have tried to talk to him, he just gets angry every single time, also defensive, always asks why i bring it up, and ive suggested marraige counseling but he wont go because "it nver worked in the past for anyone he knew" and "he dont think we need it" so im pretty lost here......... help?


Regardless of the rest of it - the insecurities on your part, the possibility that he might be messing about, the fact that you met that way... he refuses to work with you to fix it. You can do better. Last time I had a boyfriend who didn't try to fix our problems he became an ex boyfriend. Either spend a couple years learning the hard way I did or decide what you need out of this relationship, and whether he can provide it. I know it doesn't seem that easy to you, but that's what it comes down to.

I can understand your feelings and I wish you the best in working through this.

[Silver Venus]

Nuah, you have to think about numero uno here ~ This is making you feel terrible and totally un loved. He is supposed to me there for you ~ for better of worse.. and care and want to make you feel wonderful ~ If he cant? Maybe he's not the right man for you after all...
I know its very easy for us to say that, but I do care and feel very deeply for your situation. You deserve so much better than this and it hurts me to read that your going through so much pain and suffering.
You are in my prayers, love and light,
SV

[Xois]

hehehe Misty

I AM with my SO 100%

Fantasy is just fantasy! There are some fantasies I don't even want to share with him, becuase they are miine and I want to enjoy them as such...

But Just becuase I might daydream, doesn't mean I am not 100% committed to my relationship and love my SO very deeply...

Nuah! WOAH, ok 1. I have been prefacing all my responses by saying that I didn't know the whole story...
2. If he is frequenting chat rooms, that is not the same as view some static images of women...You didn't tell me that, so I had no way of knowing...Not that I find that particullary offensive either, but I was basing my responses to the problem as understanding that he was looking at images or view videos, not actually interacting...

I think you guys need to seek some councling...

Password lock your computer so he can't get into it...this will not solve the problem, only cause resentment, but maybe it iwll make him realize that you are being seriously hurt

The other thing I will mention is that if you two met in an adult chat room, than his expectations of who you are might be unrealistic...in other words, if you met in an adult chat room, how could you possibly be upset if he goes to them...This is a rhetorical question...but there might be some logic with it...

In any case, spells still won't work...Tell him you are serious about councling and if he doesn't want to go, go yourself! Don't use him not going as an excuse not to seek help for yourself.

Good Luck
Xois

[slvr_phoenix]

Yeah. If he doesn't respect you enough to stop, that's kind of indicative of a problem with him. ;) I'm not sure password protecting the computer will help though. Most men prefer bluntness and resent when issues are stepped around instead of directly confronted. Granted, not all, but most. **L** So if yelling at him and threatening to leave if he doesn't stop doesn't work, then not much probably will.

One of the biggest problems with relationships is that people change. Sometimes one partner may mature while the other doesn't, and then a struggle between maturity and immaturity ensues. Some couples struggle to stay together through those kinds of situations. Some don't. I can't say which is better, because that can only be found in your heart. :) But it happens. :( So I hope things work out for the best for all involved.

And I'd avoid casting a spell ON him, because if his will goes in another direction, the spell won't last. Asking him to join you in casting a spell together to bring your relationship closer is another matter though. :)

[Lucidia]

ahh.. this is a toughy.

i we lived close, i would meet up with you and look at your "destiny thread" (it's an astral projection technique i've... tripped over in my "travels"). I would attempt it otherwise, but i haven't felt your energy personally so it would be difficult to do.

honestly, he sounds like OH SO many men i've met in my life.

a lot of people are afraid of comittment. you just had a child, did you not? perhaps, realizing that he's "stuck" (i know that sounds horrible, but i'm being truthful), now he's attempting to see how far he can push his limits.

We all have fantasies, whether we admit it or not. My husband is wonderful, and i find him very attractive. But is he my "dream" guy? of course not. Am I his dream woman? probably not ( ;) ). For him, porn was primarily a way to get the "image" he wanted in his head, and he supposedly was just using the images for reference, so he could have a more vivid fantasy about me personally....

From what people have explained to me, men have a hormonal cycle completed nearly every minute or so. Men also constantly and often randomly, get erect, or sexually aroused.

Keep in mind that women are more stimulated on an emotional/mental level, compared to men, who are usually more stimulated on a physical/superficial/appearance level. i am NOT saying this is true in ALL cases, i'm just stating what has been expressed by most people i've talked to.

Like in my case, a man that plays an instrument, or sings, and even men that are very intelligent, artists or writers, and in a bunch of cases, programmers, have caught my fancy. But i'll admit i'm pretty shallow, and i'm pretty caught up about appearance too, but it's usually more along the lines of not being attracted to people that don't care about their bodies, not just someone who isn't pretty or muscular enough. Personally i really don't like overly muscular guys...

On this level, it's come to my attention, that many women prefer other forms of sexual fantasy. many women read romance novels, and erotic stories.

On the flip side, men tend to look at naked women or people having sex.

For me, looking at naked people or people having intercourse, is NOT going to turn me on. Porn usually makes me laugh (especially when you KNOW they aren't enjoying it). My husband doesn't NEED it, and he understood that it hurt me. he would NEVER suggest bringing anyone into our marriage, or sleeping with someone else, or under any circumstances having a threesome, etc.

If during the course of a relationship, someone tries to change the rules, keep in mind that there is a problem. I'm not gonna say you should leave him, but i think you should consider counseling, a marriage retreat, or some other way to communicate this on a better level.

You can also get one of those netnanny programs and block his adult entertainment.

But also, honey, i hate to say this, but if he met you in an adult chat, then his first impression of you may not have been what you realize. People often go to those chats seeking a kind of fantasy role playing that is very unlikely to be replicated in real life. Cyber sex is terribly exagerated. I won't go into details about why, but i'm sure you can understand what i mean.

People that become... i guess you could say, accustomed, to using mastrubation with the use of adult chat/pornography, as a way to release and completely diminish any other sexaul interest (which is possible, some men don't have unlimited libido, and a few sessions with the computer might wear him out), will often find themselves uninterested in other kinds of sexual activity. Also, some people become dependant on this uber-fantasy level of optical stimulation. People also have fetishes and desires that usually won't get catered to.

There is so much to say on this topic. it's not something that can be handled the same way with every person.

We've been programmed from the time we were children with some sort of moral code or belief system. many of us have found our own way, but many, like myself, find it hard to detatch myself from the line of thought that makes it "wrong" for my husband to look at porn. I honestly can't say that because he did that, it makes him love me any less. Just because i mastrubate, and don't happen to need to look at nekkid pics to do it, doesn't mean that i dont' love him, or that he doesnt' please me.

it's something that you need to find out. search within yourself, do some meditation. try and remember if there was anything you've said, or anything he's said, in the past, that might have clued you in earlier to this problem before is continued to escalate.

Also remember, that people talk, and sometimes, i suppose, it's difficult for some guys to deal with the fact that all of their friends might be single, and promiscuous, and possibly experiencing things that he might be curious about. People often taunt and tease men for being married or comitted, trying to make them feel like less of a man because they aren't sleeping with the next available female. it can easily go the other way. i can't tell you how many people think i'm stupid because i'm 20 and married, when according to them, i should be out "having a good time" which i'm pretty sure refers to having short term relationships and casual sex, which i'm simply no longer, and never really was, interested in. Find out who he talks to, and if people are maybe pressuring him to act the way he is acting. Also, perhaps this adult chat is influencing him to desire 'swinging' and other activities that might have been, hurtfully so, suggested.

I'll stop ranting for now, sorry to get OT, but now i'm going into MOD mode.. cause well.. i MOD here and i have to say something.

<mod mode>
Okay guys, this is a GREAT topic, and i'm participating just as much as the next person.. but i have a suggestion...

Nuah, why not start another thread in Just talk, where you can discuss this on a non-magickal level. This thread can stay here, just as long as it is only for magickal solutions/advice, from this point forward. (Don't worry, it was all of us that got it OT although it's not totally off topic, it's just not really talking about any sort of solution that involves ritual/magick/spells, etc)

The rest of us: Let's try (and i'm guilty too) and keep this conversation a little bit tamer. I know all of us are adults, but there are some youngsters that probably dont' need to know about our kinky sex lives *giggles*. Mastrubation, i feel, is a perfectly safe topic (everyone knows about it, at least i think they do...), but even my own comments, which bridge on other subjects that might not be so "acceptable" might not look so good if the parents of a younger member happen to look at the screen and see their 13 year old son reading about porn and fetish in our bedrooms.

I would therefore ask that THIS thread, in the ritual and magick forum, be kept strictly ON TOPIC, as to only discuss magical and ritual solutions to this particular issue.

But, as i suggested, a new thread, discussing perhaps, the problems that pornography and other erotic online resources can cause in a marriage, as well as how to handle these situations on a more personal, non-magickal, level.

Lets keep this PG 13, okay people?

</mod mode>

[Xois]

Lucidia

I meant password protecting the computer to Force the issue to the forefront...not to solve it :D

Xois

[slvr_phoenix]

Yay Danustouch!

I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree.

(Hmm ... would anyone believe I'm NOT on a caffiene high? Heh heh.)

[aquinnah]

Nuah - I empathize with your need for respect from your SO and your desire to have him for yourself. I am in love with a recovering drug addict ( I am clean, too) and for most of our relationship he has been unable to maintain monogamy. This has been a source of pain for me, and I feel he has used sex addictively at times, much like your partner. What has helped me the most has been changing myself, not physically, or acting more seductive, but by becoming the woman the Goddess means for me to be instead of a junkie. By learning to love myself and follow Her path I have gone from "How can I live with someone like this, I'll die without him", to consenting to threesomes with sometimes poor results (strained friendships - mine, of course), to I'll show him - I'll fool around, too (didn't work), to the realization that I was powerless over his actions. He will probably never be 100% faithful to me, and that's okay, provided he meets his outside needs with respect for mine. You are not being treated respectfully, and you won't be until you develop self-respect first. Like Rick's suggestion, try Al-Anon. Look in your local phone book. They may point you to groups specifically for partners of sex addicts. This will help you set limits and end enabling. His sex addiction is his problem - it's not caused by you. But you do deserve better and only you can make that happen. You are loved and blessed by your Creator and Creatrix for exactly who you are. Learning to believe that it is magic, hard magic, and painful, but so worth it.MAKE A LIST OF WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU Read it every day. Use positive affirmations - in meditation see yourself as already possessing the love and respect you need. So mote it be. PM me anytime - I'm pulling for you.

[Myst]

This thread has been moved to "Just Talk" by request.

[Nuah]

Thanks everyone, i finally told him how i felt, although some of it was out of anger and i regret them, i cant take it back, and hope that he understands. but all in all, i made a deal with him, i told him for every week that he can stay away from the pornography on the web he could buy a video game for his priceless PS2 (his pride and joy lol) so i am now hoping i made the right decision in asking him to stop for at least a little while until i am more secure in myself and my self esteem goes up again. he was very hesitant at first but i had asked him if he would rather me continue nagging at him or if he would rather take time to stop doing it and let me build myself up on his support, and eventually letting him do it again with no problems. he was reluctant but eventually agreed. he liked the PS2 game idea better. motivation is his key, and his mind is in 2 year toddler toy stage. :) so once again thanks all :)

[flar7]

I hope that works for you. Speaking as a man, there are a few points that werent brought up about porn that are very important.
With SOME men, (cant say all), sex is power over others and this is easily achieved and satisfied in porn and chats. This is very serious and possibly dangerous. You did not mention the types of porn, and we dont need to know, but there are sites that I consider dangerous to the well being of women. Now I understand single men wanting to see naked women or women having sex. I dont feel you should worry about your insecurities whether they exist or not. You have a child, and if your husband is committed to his family this should be a no brainer.

Please be careful, this goes to all you women out there, when your man pays too much attention to porn sites. It can be a sign of a deeper disturbance than just "I was horny honey!"

I wish all the best for you and your child and husband.

[Silver Venus]

Hiya,
Im so glad that you have come to an undertsanding with him.
Just a suggestion but with the New Moon coming up maybe you could find or prepare a self power spell and start to work on that with the moon ~ building on your power with every day the moon is growing for 2 weeks until the moon is full then you can seal the spell and hold the power of the new you deep within!
I hope you find, peace, balance and harmony again at home and with yourself very soon :)
:heartthro & :sunny:
SV

[Wyrdsister]

Okay, this posting is for you, Nuah. I'm going to be writing some things that other folks here may vehemently disagree with. I want you to know that I'm only sharing my personal feelings and opinions here and not "the right way" to think about or approach this problem.

Note to everyone else: If you would like to discuss pornography as a topic, let's start a thread in The Political Pagan forum. This thread is for Nuah and I'm going to try and keep it that way. If you take offence at anything I say, we can discuss it in another forum. Thanks! :)

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Nuah:

The first thing I want you to know is that you have every right to feel the way you do. Whether your feelings are from personal insecurities or educated feelings and opinions about this situation is beyond the point. You have a right to feel uncomfortable and upset about your husband's porn habit. PERIOD.

The next thing that I want you to know is that you are the expert in this situation. You are the one who can best decide what is best for you and your child. Asking for advice can be helpful, but remember that ultimately you have the decision-making power. No one else can or should do it for you, including your husband.

Third thing is this: you are not, have never been, and never will be responsible for the actions and choices of others. You are not responsible for your husband's addiction to pornography (and I'm not going to split hairs here - I believe your husband is addicted to porn and has an extremely serious problem). You are not responsible for any self-harm or harm of others that your husband commits. You are not responsible for the success or fail of your husband's military career. If he fails, it is his own responsibility for that failure. You are only responsible for your actions, your choices. PERIOD.

Okay, now that that's out of the way :D, here are a few very opinionated statements:

* If you feel that your husband's porn habit is a problem, then it is. It's a problem because it is coming between you and him and unstabling your relationship. If he gets angry and defensive it is because he knows he is doing something wrong, yet he is trying to justify it by making you feel unattractive and insecure, trying to make you out to be the bad guy. You aren't.

* You know what kind of lifestyle is right for you. If pornography, live sex chats, swingers groups and other things kinky are not for you, then you have every right to not take part in those activities. You have the right to remove yourself from environments and activities that degrade women and men and devalue sexuality. This is your right.

* Now this is a hard point for me to make, but here it goes: Your husband does have the right to participate in publicly available "services" that represent everything you despise. Unfortunate, but true if you believe that everyone has the right to make their own decisions.

* You have a right to choose who you are with and what kind of relationships you want. If you want a man who loves you and respects you in mind, body and soul, then you have the right to go out and find one! If you husband does not fit this description (and honey, I really don't think he does) then you have the right to choose someone else who can provide you with the relationship you want and deserve.

* Bribes never work. All they teach the one being bribed is that you can be manipulated to get what they want. Your husband will soon learn how to "cheat the system" and get his PS2 game and his porn too. If he doesn't respect your desires now, buying him PS2 games just won't do it for him either.

* Just a question: Do you reeeeeally want 2 two year olds? LOL!! :D 8O

* If you don't like porn, then you don't have to tolerate porn!! Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are the one with the problem. If you are feeling "insecure" about your hubby's porn addiction it is because you know that this situation is wrong for you. IMHO, it is NOT insecurity you are feeling; it is your intuition telling you that this pornography thing is wrong for you.


Wow, I guess I've said enough for one post, huh? I'm sooooo sorry dear if I've overloaded you - I'm passionate about some things and pornography is one of them.

If you ever need to talk about anything, bounce some ideas off of someone, etc. then pleeeeease pm me!! I can not promise to be impartial (as I'm sure you've guessed! :)) but I can promise you that I'm on your side and the side of your child.

I'll be praying for you, Nuah. You won't be far from my thoughts.

May the Goddess bless you and your child and give you all that you need. Blessed Be.

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If anyone wants to comment on anything I've said here (the loudmouth that I am! ;)) then please quote me but place the post in The Political Pagan forum. Thanks!!


Wyrdsister

[Lucidia]

right on Wyrdsister!!!

[eaglewolf]

Due to time restraints, I am unable to read this entire thread but would like to contribute my own screwed up point of view...

If someone in this thread has said, "We are all individuals, and that is what makes us special. Trying to change others to suit our needs can be as dangerous as rewarding, as well as a little arrogant (in most cases). The key is to find someone with whom we are the most compatible, and build your life with them around that compatibility," ... then I totally agree.

In my opinion, life is too short for the stress of it all. Some people do need help (I guess), but others just need to be who they are. Trying to change someone can hurt deeply, not only them, but you.

I don't really know what this means, but...

...good luck to you sweetie. I hope the answer finds you soon, for life is too short for all of the BS that seems to cling to it.

~ew

[Nuah]

thank you very much for the lovely posts all, and especially thank you to mystypines, that was very uplifting. i resorted to getting a sort of netnanny software, he wont like it and we will probably argue but today while thumbing through the temporary internet files to delete them, i had found some things he has known since before we married that i will not tolerate. so out goes the PS2 deal and out goes my entire trust for him once again. i guess somethings are meant to be, oh and LOL he is a 2 year old. i have to clean up after him most of the time. i guess my only decision is to separate for awhile, to maybe see if he gets it through his head then? ive been trying two years and a person can only do so much in a marriage before its someone else's turn to try. he says he tries, and i will give him credit for trying, but he barely tries at all then says he tries really hard. oh well, at least the kids will still see him when he isnt into his pornography. oh and another thing, through all this, i think i am pregnant with child number three, it is his, (sometimes i wish it werent because the kids always get the butt end of a bad fall), and he doesnt even know. we cant afford another child either. times are tough but we keep our heads held high but not in the clouds :) im so angry today im chewing on a hanger LOL, not to mention my smokes r clear accross the room hehe. anyhow, thanks everyone for the wonderful advise, and i hope im not the only one getting use of all the wonderful things you all are suggesting. i honestly dont think he wants this marriage to work. but oh well i guess, plenty other men that need a gal like me eh? anyone single? rofl (just kidding)

love and light all

Nuah



:elf:

[Apotheosis]

I'd recommend "If you persist in obsessing over Internet porn, I'm leaving you, and taking you to the cleaners..."

His choice.

Tough, but I feel necessary.

[Wyrdsister]

Originally posted by Lucidia
right on Wyrdsister!!! *blush* Thanks. :) I just had to throw all that in. As you can tell, this issue is one of my more passionate ones. :p

Wyrdsister
punching out the status quo :smash: