online shrine to my lovely trio

[The High Queen of Faerie]

:broomride





:heartthro hypnos :sleepy:
:heartthro eros :loveduv:
:heartthro thanatos :bigblue:
:heartthro aphrodite :tub:



thank you for everything.

when i either don't have my little magick notebook available or...something...i'll post on here. :)

[The High Queen of Faerie]

why do i always waste my time?

this is very, very aggrivating. blah.



also, saturday... i want to go to the renaissance festival. it is only on weekends. its hours are... 10am-6pm. on saturday i also want to go to a class thats hours are from 3:30pm-5:30pm. so like... i'd have to get back home from the renaissance festival at like 2:30pm. SO i could get a nice amount of time in if we got there at 10am, so we'd have to leave at 9am, so i'd have to get up at like... what. 8am? yes. something like that. hum. blah.

i need to get everything sorted out.

(what the hell, my little 11 year old brother is in the other room watching constant porn advertisements...)

i also need to SLEEP. i need to take a bath first though.

thanks you guys, for giving me strength to continue. @@

[The High Queen of Faerie]

thank you for helping me work out things with kael.

thank you for all of the lovely dreams!

thank you for helping my family stay together. <3


expect a more detailed thank-you letter tonight :)

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i need help from everyone lately ; ; i have bad period cramps now... i get so little sleep because of how early i need to wake up for school, but thank you hypnos for helping me sleep nicely. please help me do well, i am so intimidated by this new school... x_x blah... please help me figure out things with kael... please help things work out for the highest good. i'm so confused and i don't know what to do anymore, i'm in so much pain

[The High Queen of Faerie]

heeelp meeeeeeeeee *whinemoangroanrollsoveraroundonthefloor*

*guruguru* ; ; i feel so sick... my stomach is like, bubbling and whatever, and i just feel like i've got one of those alien things from the movie alien in my tummy and its jumping around and eating the insides of my stomach. i want my head to fall off. ;_;

what should i do? it's my fault we're arguing but... we're arguing. and that's how things are. and i keep getting mad at him and hes like nyah nyah blah blah and i'm like... gah, you idiot. >>; i. am. goingtogocrazy.

i did shit on my ap us history thing today. if i'm lucky i'll get 10/20. omg. shootmeNOW.

my stomach feels so terrible...

please help me decide on what's best, eros, pleeeease... and please help me feel better, anyone, PLEASE!

[The High Queen of Faerie]

what the ****

someone's stolen my old domain's ****ing name for their art site.

i'll kill them .________.

to: devilkittiejr
from: sabrina-chan

subj: HELLO.

body: HELLO THERE.

i have. been. informed...

that you have 'swiped' the name of my old site... so fragile.

that slightly offends me for some reason.... surely you knew i had a site by that name...

i'd really like a reply to this. i'm interested in what you've got to say.

kthxbai

[The High Queen of Faerie]

okay... i feel ill. blah..

one issue worked out. thank you thanatos, for giving that person a bit of a push to talk to me about the site thing... apparently it was a misunderstanding on both sides, and then we had a nice friendly talk, so... la. hm. i dont know.

going to see psychoperson today ; ; please help me say what i have to say

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i feel sick i feel sick i feel sick ;_; blah

please give me the strength to write that damned essay for ap american history... i need to be mentally sharp. i need your help!

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please help dad get that job...please...

[The High Queen of Faerie]

omg...



I'M GOING TO GO UPSTAIRS AND CRY NOW

i'll get that goddamned knife too

[The High Queen of Faerie]

draw a pretty picture with it

[LadyTrinity]

:yikes:

[The High Queen of Faerie]

:yikes:


no i'm not okay :wah:

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please guide me...

give me signs...

[The High Queen of Faerie]

okay... i think i know what i am to do now.

thank you for your guidance, my dear gods... thank you. and we can't forget my lovely goddess~ <3

and everyone at mw for lending their energy :3

[The High Queen of Faerie]

goddammit i want to die... >>;

please help me through this, everyone, please...

[The High Queen of Faerie]

yesterday...

was the worst day that i can remember having.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

ChibiSlytherin: ChibiSlytherin: and then she was like... i'm restarting the computer. and i was like no i have things on there... and then she continued restarting... and i was like BLAH
ChibiSlytherin: and then other stuff happened, yelling and whatever and i cant remember what
ChibiSlytherin: and then i went upstairs and was crying and screaming and wailing
ChibiSlytherin: and then she came up
ChibiSlytherin: TsuchiVoid: why did she do that?
ChibiSlytherin: knocked on my door for like 5 minutes
ChibiSlytherin: i have no idea
ChibiSlytherin: then she came in and sat on my bed and hugged me and i screamed for her to go away
ChibiSlytherin: and i screamed and screamed
ChibiSlytherin: and then she kept yelling at me
ChibiSlytherin: and i told her to go away
ChibiSlytherin: and she said i cant ever go to england (which is my dream)
ChibiSlytherin: and she said all this other mean stuff
ChibiSlytherin: and i was like go away and she was like not till you talk to me
ChibiSlytherin: and i was like get off my bed
ChibiSlytherin: and she was like no
ChibiSlytherin: and i was like get away
ChibiSlytherin: and she didnt do anything and i screamed at the top of my lungs 'get away'
ChibiSlytherin: and then she went
ChibiSlytherin: ChibiSlytherin: and then a while later dad came up and talked to me properly
ChibiSlytherin: said sorry that mums stupid and said that she needs to grow up and everything will be okay because he has a job now

[Tsuchimaru]

:hugz: :smoochypo

[LadyTrinity]

no i'm not okay :wah:


What's wrong

[The High Queen of Faerie]

death sounds nice right now. :)

[i.t.]

Oh Sabrina, no.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Oh Sabrina, no.

yesyesyes

[i.t.]

Please dear, think, please.

I love you, i can't stand it when you're like this, especially over nothing.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Please dear, think, please.

I love you, i can't stand it when you're like this, especially over nothing.

sorry

[i.t.]

sorry
You don't need to be sorry, ok? I'm not mad.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i hate life. i HATE it.

am going to go upstairs and cry my eyes out. take all of the boxes of packed books off my bed.

[Tsuchimaru]

i hate life. i HATE it.

am going to go upstairs and cry my eyes out. take all of the boxes of packed books off my bed.

:hugz: Thing'll work out...just watch.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

why do things just keep getting worse?

[The High Queen of Faerie]

why has stuff got to be so shitty?

i told kael i wish i was dead. and i meant it, i really did.

i can't take this anymore. any of it. at all.

dad said he doesnt even want me and mum and steven to visit him in canada over the winter holidays. he says he doesnt want to see us.

and my school is shit. i went to a new school (again) and it's so hard it makes me want to cry and cut and bash my head against the wall and pass out because i'm so afraid of failure and failing is what i'm doing.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i hate my father. i never want to see him again. he is such a hurtful bastard, even moreso than my mother. he told me, literally, that he doesn't want me living with him, and then proceeded to say that he's going to make my life miserable.

**** you, dad, i never needed you. stop ****ing making me cry.

[Earthy]

:hugz:

[Tsuchimaru]

:hugz:

[The High Queen of Faerie]

:hugz: you guys are the best ;-;

[The High Queen of Faerie]

http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?p=1233519#post1233519

for storage purposes...

[The High Queen of Faerie]

get her away from me get her AWAY

[i.t.]

Who dear, who?

Please tell me, please talk to me... please ;-;

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Who dear, who?

Please tell me, please talk to me... please ;-;
who the hell do you think :wah:

[i.t.]

I don't know dear, that's why i asked ;-;

Your mum, Jordan, who?

*cling*

[The High Queen of Faerie]

I don't know dear, that's why i asked ;-;

Your mum, Jordan, who?

*cling* jordan

[The High Queen of Faerie]

When I am queen I will insist with perfect scars upon my wrists
that everything you once held dear is taken away from you

When I am queen sweet girlscout's face and not a one will fall from grace
If all their hearts I could replace, but until then I'll have to...

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

When I am queen on royal throne made out of parts of broken bones
of all the devils I have known that suck the angels dry

When I am queen I'll have my way I'll make it drowning dollie day
and all the tears that we have cried will suck back in our eyes

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby go to sleep
Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby I'll make it be

When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too

When I am queen they all will see the patron saint of self-injury
the glitter sores will heal themselves I'll play the part of someone else

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Icicle Trekker: i love you
ChibiSlytherin: when i die you'll find someone better okay

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Icicle Trekker: goodbye my beautiful one
Icicle Trekker: no
Icicle Trekker: what?
Icicle Trekker: stop saying such horrible things!
Icicle Trekker: you won't die, ok?
Icicle Trekker: if you were to die over something that Jordan said i'd be mad ;-;
Icicle Trekker: ok?
Icicle Trekker: be strong for me
Icicle Trekker: don't give up
Icicle Trekker: ok?
Icicle Trekker: please, Sabrina
Icicle Trekker: please say yes for me
Icicle Trekker: PLEASE
Icicle Trekker: i can't stay any longer dear, i really need to go and i can't take it, it's really hurting
Icicle Trekker: i love you
Icicle Trekker: *SIGH*
Icicle Trekker: bye
Icicle Trekker: please say bye
Icicle Trekker: ok
Icicle Trekker signed off at 5:20:35 PM

[The High Queen of Faerie]

You're so predictable no shadow of doubt
when you are suffering know who sold you out
**** your opinions
**** your lack of spine
When you are miserable
Know that I'm just fine

[i.t.]

Stop it ;-;

Please... i need you.

[Asthmorte]

oh dear....

[Asthmorte]

viv....are you okay? you can talk to me if you want.

[Tsuchimaru]

Remember my words, Sabrina... :hugz:

[Amadore]

i hate life. i HATE it.

am going to go upstairs and cry my eyes out. take all of the boxes of packed books off my bed.

Being able to cry is a good sign. Never, ever, EVER consider death if you are still able to cry. I don't know if I'm making sense, but crying is a way of showing that your emotions still function properly, which is somehow a sign that you still have a functional life and that death would only be a stupid, selfish act that you will always regret in your next life. Things can not get better if you give up.. please, hold on longer. You'll see that there's still so much more to live for.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Being able to cry is a good sign. Never, ever, EVER consider death if you are still able to cry. I don't know if I'm making sense, but crying is a way of showing that your emotions still function properly, which is somehow a sign that you still have a functional life and that death would only be a stupid, selfish act that you will always regret in your next life. Things can not get better if you give up.. please, hold on longer. You'll see that there's still so much more to live for.
my life just seems so broken that it doesn't look like it can be fixed anymore. it's like i don't care about anything anymore, i don't care about school... and i used to get straight a's and be in advanced classes. i just don't care anymore. things just get worse and worse and worse even when i don't think things can get any shittier.


asthmorte dear... :hugz: i'll send you a pm next time i feel terrible. i have calmed down a little. i'm too tired to feel suicidal right now.

[Asthmorte]

my life just seems so broken that it doesn't look like it can be fixed anymore. it's like i don't care about anything anymore, i don't care about school... and i used to get straight a's and be in advanced classes. i just don't care anymore. things just get worse and worse and worse even when i don't think things can get any shittier.


asthmorte dear... :hugz: i'll send you a pm next time i feel terrible. i have calmed down a little. i'm too tired to feel suicidal right now.

:hugz:

oh viv....I know what you mean about how things just seem to get shittier....I mean, first ,y ex chated on me, then the whole other thing happened.....Ive been trying to convince myself that things actually will get better....Ive been doing a lot of different things to hurt myself lately....whoring myself around....but I just dont know if I can continue to hurt myself like this....so viv...please...hang in there. I care about you and dont want to see you hurting:(

[The High Queen of Faerie]

:hugz:

oh viv....I know what you mean about how things just seem to get shittier....I mean, first ,y ex chated on me, then the whole other thing happened.....Ive been trying to convince myself that things actually will get better....Ive been doing a lot of different things to hurt myself lately....whoring myself around....but I just dont know if I can continue to hurt myself like this....so viv...please...hang in there. I care about you and dont want to see you hurting:(
ee, yes... :hugz: ;-; you have had it far worse than i, for sure. i wish i could convince myself that things will improve, but it's so hard. you hang in there too, okay? i do know how you feel with the whole 'whoring about' deal though >>; unfortunately. if you ever want to talk, my pm box dealie is open, k? :hugz: lots and lots of love to you sweetie _cookie_ (and cookies!)

[Asthmorte]

ee, yes... :hugz: ;-; you have had it far worse than i, for sure. i wish i could convince myself that things will improve, but it's so hard. you hang in there too, okay? i do know how you feel with the whole 'whoring about' deal though >>; unfortunately. if you ever want to talk, my pm box dealie is open, k? :hugz: lots and lots of love to you sweetie _cookie_ (and cookies!)


dont forget the dancing bannanas:)


:abanana: :abanana: :abanana: :abanana: :abanana:

[Earthy]

:hugz: to te both of you.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

dont forget the dancing bannanas:)


:abanana: :abanana: :abanana: :abanana: :abanana:
waha :D


and thank you so much miss earthy :smoochypo

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Icicle Trekker: did i upset you?
iisiaiel: yeah
Icicle Trekker: ;-;
Icicle Trekker: are you blaming it on me then?
iisiaiel: of ****ing course not kael
iisiaiel: god, i quit
Icicle Trekker: calm down dear, it's ok
Icicle Trekker: no
iisiaiel: i hate life and i dont want to do it anymore
Icicle Trekker: please no
Icicle Trekker: no Sabrina, no!
Icicle Trekker: stop saying that
Icicle Trekker: i can't sleep when i go to bed
iisiaiel: why
Icicle Trekker: i worry because i think of you and i wonder if you're ok
Icicle Trekker: and i worry if you're going to do anything silly
Icicle Trekker: and i worry if you'll leave me
iisiaiel: kael you're the only thing that's keeping me from drowning
Icicle Trekker: but i hurt you
iisiaiel: i dont care
iisiaiel: i hurt myself
Icicle Trekker: you have to promise me that you won't drown, ok?
Icicle Trekker: you promise me that you'll never let go of me
Icicle Trekker: because i promise i'll never let go of you

[Asthmorte]

Icicle Trekker: did i upset you?
iisiaiel: yeah
Icicle Trekker: ;-;
Icicle Trekker: are you blaming it on me then?
iisiaiel: of ****ing course not kael
iisiaiel: god, i quit
Icicle Trekker: calm down dear, it's ok
Icicle Trekker: no
iisiaiel: i hate life and i dont want to do it anymore
Icicle Trekker: please no
Icicle Trekker: no Sabrina, no!
Icicle Trekker: stop saying that
Icicle Trekker: i can't sleep when i go to bed
iisiaiel: why
Icicle Trekker: i worry because i think of you and i wonder if you're ok
Icicle Trekker: and i worry if you're going to do anything silly
Icicle Trekker: and i worry if you'll leave me
iisiaiel: kael you're the only thing that's keeping me from drowning
Icicle Trekker: but i hurt you
iisiaiel: i dont care
iisiaiel: i hurt myself
Icicle Trekker: you have to promise me that you won't drown, ok?
Icicle Trekker: you promise me that you'll never let go of me
Icicle Trekker: because i promise i'll never let go of you

youre so lucky he cares. *wipes tear from eye*

[The High Queen of Faerie]

youre so lucky he cares. *wipes tear from eye*
:hugz: i am. ;-;

[Tsuchimaru]

Icicle Trekker: did i upset you?
iisiaiel: yeah
Icicle Trekker: ;-;
Icicle Trekker: are you blaming it on me then?
iisiaiel: of ****ing course not kael
iisiaiel: god, i quit
Icicle Trekker: calm down dear, it's ok
Icicle Trekker: no
iisiaiel: i hate life and i dont want to do it anymore
Icicle Trekker: please no
Icicle Trekker: no Sabrina, no!
Icicle Trekker: stop saying that
Icicle Trekker: i can't sleep when i go to bed
iisiaiel: why
Icicle Trekker: i worry because i think of you and i wonder if you're ok
Icicle Trekker: and i worry if you're going to do anything silly
Icicle Trekker: and i worry if you'll leave me
iisiaiel: kael you're the only thing that's keeping me from drowning
Icicle Trekker: but i hurt you
iisiaiel: i dont care
iisiaiel: i hurt myself
Icicle Trekker: you have to promise me that you won't drown, ok?
Icicle Trekker: you promise me that you'll never let go of me
Icicle Trekker: because i promise i'll never let go of you

That's beautiful.... :)

[The High Queen of Faerie]

stuff is crap. LA.

GOD I SUCK. i cant let go of the past but i was like *write* and it was like *emerge* and i was like... wot? and then i was like *sob* cos it was like depressing and shit.

[Angelus_Errare]

:hugz: Just know that i care about you! :D

[The High Queen of Faerie]

today marks my 1 year anniversary with my darling kael.

thank you, my sweet eros, thanatos, hypnos, aphrodite... for helping us get through all of the ups and downs we've had. i know that all four of you have always been watching over me, and only recently could i supply you with proper names. ;) eros, thank you especially... for everything, for all of the help and assistance that you have given us. thank you for everything.

:loveduv:_cloud9_

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i would also like to thank all of the diviners that provided us with the appropriate advice and wisdom when we needed it. thank you. you know who you are.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please make this pain stop... i hate being overwhelmed by it every single ****ing day of my life... make it stop, make it stop...

[Tzhebee]

Gaia~I ask of you now, to send Sabrina, my sweet little cherry, hope. Show her your love and your power so that she may focus on that instead. Give her the strength of your Wind, purity of your Water, stability of your Earth and the determination of your Fire. This I ask of you, my Lady, to help ease her pain.

[i.t.]

Come to me, Sabrina. Please come to me.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

thank you eros for all of the lovely people in my life. thank you for all of my lovely friends, who are all so supportive and... lovely. thank you for giving katie the idea of stopping by after school, i was SO ecstatic when she randomly popped at the door. before that i was so upset... seriously crying but i wiped away my tears and it was really nice to see her again. really nice. :D so thank you.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

thank you for everyone giving me a lovely reception today at my new school. i really missed everyone, it was fantabulastic to see them again.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

god, i hate living.

the end.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

bring out your dead,
push em to the side where the dead go
straighten up your chin
i guess i never wanted you to say so

one more time
you left me out
one more time you say
(i'm falling but i wont look down)

[chorus]
please don't go i'm barely breathing
please don't take one step away
don't let go, they're tearing down your paper house again
so please don't go away

take down the sign
why leave up the sign when it already shows
i've prepared this time
for your friendly neighborhood disfunction

one more time
you left me out
one more time you say
please don't go cause i need you now
i need you more than anything
please don't go cause i need you now, i need you now

[chorus]

please don't go cause i need you now
i need you more than anything
please don't go cause i need you now, i need you now

[chorus]

please don't go cause i need you now
i need you more than anything
please don't go cause i need you now, i need you now

[Velvet]

:hugz:

[i.t.]

No ;-;

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i dont feel like living anymore, blah...

[The High Queen of Faerie]

god, **** everything.

[i.t.]

Nooooooooo *cling*

I love you, everything will be ok, i promise.

I promise.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please help me get through this. please... thanatos, please lend me your strength... ;-; i need it right now dear

[i.t.]

Dont go

[The High Queen of Faerie]

i'm not okay, i promise

[The High Queen of Faerie]

why is everything so terrible

[i.t.]

Come online, please?

I'm scared.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

ChibiSlytherin: i don't really think that anything can or would help
TsuchiVoid: then give up. kill yourself. I will too
TsuchiVoid: if fact, i'm starting to feel like doing so -very- soon
TsuchiVoid: you gonna come too? I could use some company...
ChibiSlytherin: why?
TsuchiVoid: because you've proved to me how pathetic humans are
ChibiSlytherin: how's that?
TsuchiVoid: have you looked at yourself?



thank you for being so supportive! :)

[Tsuchimaru]

You're very welcome. Thanks for completely giving up on yourself, and not giving a damn about anyone else. :)

[The High Queen of Faerie]

You're very welcome. Thanks for completely giving up on yourself, and not giving a damn about anyone else. :)
it's quite hypocritical to bitch at me about that, of all things. ;)

[Tsuchimaru]

it's quite hypocritical to bitch at me about that, of all things. ;)

Oh really? I'm getting help. You don't care. I -was- in your situation, but I'm slowly fixing it. :)

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Oh really? I'm getting help. You don't care. I -was- in your situation, but I'm slowly fixing it. :)
good for you.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

... fecking yes.


life is fantabulous.






i don't feel the way i've ever felt
... i know
i'm gonna smile and not get worried
i try but it shows

anyone can make what i have built
and better now
anyone can find the same white pills
it takes my pain away

it's a lie
a kiss with open eyes
... and she's not breathing back
anything but bother me

it takes my pain away

never mind
these are hurried times
i can't let it bother me

i never thought i'd walk away from you
i did
but it's a false sense of accomplishment
every time i quit
everyone can see my every flaw
it isn't hard

anyone can say they're above this all
but it takes my pain away






help me figure things out with him, though, yeah? i just want him to be happy.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please help me calm down.... i'm so nervous i feel sick. please, please please... help me calm myself.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

ah.. thank you. :D

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please help me sort things out. :x you know with who...

[The High Queen of Faerie]

wow, it's been a while...

i've been neglecting you guys. i'm so sorry.

i'll make it up to you, i promise. once the stress of school eases up a bit, i'll get back into religious studies xD fo sho.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

wow its been a while hey?


just... in toronto right now. looked about. i can't wait to move here, i think it'll be the perfect opportunity to start over. my school is beautiful. there are so many shops on queen street, it's just stunning. ocad's nifty, haha.

coping with being alone. i based so much of my life around kael that it killed me when we broke up. how long has it been now? since september? the end of september, anyway. hm. whatever. it's hard, but... i'm getting through things, i think. you guys have just stepped back and are watching everything happen, really, but.... it's okay. i need that. i need to learn to be alone, to fend for myself. i need to learn to wipe away my own tears.

and i guess if i hadn't broken up with kael, i never would have written my novel. which i'm going to try and get published. that would be nice. i hope i can get it published, that'd be nice. so one good thing has come out of this, at least.


i've gained some weight, though, like 5pounds. its revolting really. i'm like 108 now, i look fat as hell. i was back to 104 before we came to toronto, but uncle ian and aileen cook a lot of food, and since they're our hosts i somehow feel it'd be rude to refuse, so... i just eat it, hah. :x one sec, need to stir the sauce...

okay, back.

i've tried to apologise to everyone i've killed on my little exploits. tsuchi, for one, and joel. joel's a sweetheart, really, he is. just about the only one of the lot of them that feels just as bad about it as i do, which is unfortunate. everyone else is like, 'oh, well, yeah, your fault,' and i can't say i blame them. that's okay. i don't mind. ^^ hehe.

at least i've learned to forgive myself.

i wonder if when we get back to toronto in the summer i'll be reborn with a new nickname. i already have one, for when i'm 100% better. i'm thinking of changing my mw name to it soon.

when i get back to denver i'm going through therapy. that'll be nice.

wow, it's nice to just write everything down.



edit // wtf tsuchi, stfu. :)

[i.t.]

Well, i'm glad that you're doing much better now!

lol, is it -that- Joel though?

Fair enough, i suppose, lol.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Well, i'm glad that you're doing much better now!

lol, is it -that- Joel though?

Fair enough, i suppose, lol.

..


pardon?

[The High Queen of Faerie]

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

god. dammit.


i hate my head sometimes. get. over. kael.


at least i look pretty today.



i hope mum can find enough money to buy something for dinner.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

*bleep* dammit. not love. not love, not at all. feck with a u.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

coming out of my cage

and i've been doing just fine (until yesterday)


gotta gotta be down


because i want it all

[The High Queen of Faerie]

finally i get to type this. i am such a wreck. i don't know what to do. i've cried so much that the screen looks strange, the computer screen. it's difficult to see because it's all blotches and spots and that's all i can see. that's all.

and i'm listening to music, now, music to try and make everything go away away away, and act like nothing ever happened. the last two hours never happened. i want to write all of this down and when i'm older i want to publish novels and expose my mother for what she is, exactly what she fucking is, say to the world, 'look what she did, just look,' that'd show her, that'd show her. but part of me thinks, i'm not good enough to even worry about that, i'm not worth people caring about what's happened. i sometimes think that i'm just worried about nothing, because it doesn't really matter because nothing bad really happened, and i deserve it all anyway. i guess i just feel like i have no right to complain when other people are being sexually abused and what's happened to me and what happens to me doesn't really matter because it's nothing in comparison and i deserve it anyway, mum says i deserve it and i do deserve it, i do. i do deserve it and i'm scared now because steven has the telephone and he's walking towards me and dad wants to talk to me, shit...

okay. that wasn't so bad. just got off the phone. i was scared because when mum was yelling at me earlier she said, 'dad said you're a thief! he said you stole from us, you're a little thief!' and that was about what i did before, buying all this random stuff on ebay, i couldn't help it - i need to get properly diagnosed for this bipolar thing but even if i am diagnosed i don't know if i'll get any meds because we don't have any money. i was scared he'd yell at me for being a thief and i'd have both of my parents cross with me but he didn't, he just asked what happened and what mum said and what was going on because she left him a message, and i told him what happened. he just said, 'hm,' to most of it, and said i needed to try harder not to make mum mad at me. i said i was sorry and that i would try harder next time.

so, this is what happened. i was sitting at the computer doing my homework, because the gods know i have lots of homework to do because i was gone from school for a week. right, so mum was yelling at me what do you want for groceries and i wrote down, kiwis and 2 boxes of kleenex so i can get extra credit in science. and she said, sabrina, i know you think your handwriting is so cool but i can't fucking read it. what the hell does that say? and i tried, i tried to make it nice so she could read it so i was a little cross and i rewrote it and she said just tell me, jeeze and then she said i still can't read it so i just told her and she said don't take that tone with me, i hate how you treat me like shit. so i went to go sit down again, sit down at the computer and do my homework, hopefully do my homework. then mum said something else and i said, there's hair in the bathtub. it's too long to be mine or steven's. and there's bugs. it's gross. and she said, well you fucking clean it up then! and i said... fine. and she said, you stop treating me like shit, sabrina, stop talking to me like that i hate how you talk to me!

and then she pulled the computer chair out from under me. i was sitting in it and suddenly it was gone, i slid onto the floor as she pulled it out and away, away, clenched tightly between her ugly claws. i hate her, i hate her, and i started crying, wailing, because i didn't know why she would do something like that. i curled up into a little ball and i was crying, and steven was sitting on the couch and watching. and mum threw the chair at the desk and it made a loud bang and i heard things fall off, my tablet, my books, my cds. they fell off and onto the floor and the chair almost ran into me, and i wondered if that was what she wanted to do, ram it into me. i didn't know if she missed or what. then she said, go to your room! and i was curled up in a ball, crying and wailing and screaming and then she touched me, she tried to pull me up under my arms and when i wouldn't go she hit my waist and i was screaming, screaming, don't touch me, don't touch me, go away, just go away. and she said, stop telling me to fucking go away, stop it, it's not all about you sabrina, it's not all about you so stop your fucking crying! stop your fucking crying because you don't matter. and so i cried more.

and she was yelling, your father said you're a thief for what you did, you know what you did! and your father thinks you're a little thief, and you're just like your father, don't talk to me like that, you're just like your fucking father! i hate your father, he's the worst person in the world, i hate him!

and that's what she said, and i was still crying. and she said, stop crying, it's not all about you, you're not that special.

and so i cried even more, curled up in a ball.

at that point steven crawled up beside me, patted me on the back and said, it's okay sabrina, it's okay. and i crawled behind him and kept crying because i didn't want to be in front of her, so i hid behind him and clung to the black fabric of his shirt and kept crying.

and she kept yelling at me, how would you like it if i just shipped you off to quebec with your father, so you'd have to deal with four years of french in just one year, how would you like that? and i cried.

and she said, stop your fucking crying, you're not that special. it's not all about you.

and i cried.

and she kept yelling at me, saying how i was just like my father and how she hates my father, really she does, she hates him so much and i'm just like him.

and i started scratching my arm. because that's what i do when she yells at me.

and she said, fucking stop it sabrina, stop it or i'll tell steven all about what you do! and i think, mum, you already have. you already have, you did in december when i was in a sorry state and someone called you and said i wanted to die by monday and you yelled at me in front of steven, asked why i cut and why i scratched and why did i want to die, because she's given me all of these things, she's bought me all of these things, so why am i not happy? why am i not happy when i have so many things? she said that, she said that in front of steven, sabrina, you stupid cutter, why do you do things like that? i'll take your door off its hinges, until you're fucking happy.

she said that. i'm surprised she didn't say it again. i probably would have deserved it, anyway. and i feel so sad, so sad, so sad. so sad.

and it went on and on and on and on and on and on and on an and on. and i eventually tried to drown out what she said, so i can't remember everything after that. i just remember that she yelled at me for another hour and i bit my lip until it bled and cried into steven's shirt until it was wet. it took her a long time to leave. she started yelling about work and about mony and about how she doesnt like work and she'll quit, and she kept yelling. and a long time later she left.

and that's all i remember. i remember dad called.

i remember wanting to call uncle ian and say, this is what my mum is like, can i please, please go live in your attic, please, i'll do anything. i'll get a job so i can pay rent, please, please, just take me out of here. please. please. please.

and dad said, what are you stressed about? and i said, i'm stressed about having so much school work and my creative writing teacher hates me and it's such an easy class, for second graders, it's so stupid, and i have so much homework that i don't even understand, especially in japanese. and mum's being like she usually is, and i'm upset because i don't have a boyfriend and i don't have any friends and i'm upset because i'm still not over kael. and dad said, didn't you dump him? wasn't the whole thing your fault, why are you so upset about that? and i said, nevermind. nevermind. i thought, no one can ever understand about kael. no one.

and i'm thinking, it's hard to care about school. it's so hard. i don't care about myself anymore. i don't care if i fail school. i really don't anymore, i just want to be happy but i can't, and josh says, it's easy, just be positive. and i am wondering how i can be positive when i have nothing.

and i think, i wonder what would happen if i showed this to the counsellor, i wonder what would happen. because right now i don't know. i don't think she'd say it's anything to be upset about, you know, because... yeah, i said something to make my mum angry, so i deserved what happened and i'm spoiled if i think she should treat me any differently. and mum said, it's your fault we're having financial problems. i just remembered that. but anyway. i don't know what i should do. i don't know who i should talk to, because i know they'll just say it's a big thing stop wallowing in self pity, stop being so upset over nothing. i'm afraid to talk to people because i don't want to bother them with my issues, they have their own issues and i'd feel like i was using them if i told them all of this. i feel so sad.

i don't know what to do.

i just

don't

know.

i'm so afraid.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

all it takes for me to feel like throwing up is for him to say, 'hello.'

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please help my little scabs go away, and my scars, so i can actually walk around without having to wear trousers and long-sleeved things. it's getting a little annoying.

in other news, i'm feeling a bit lonely. not unwanted; i know i'm wanted. (*is slapped*)

but i haven't met anyone who wants me that i want, too.

jordan said, i'll go to rock island with you and we'll walk about and mingle with the cute boys. and i say, fuck yeah.

oops, forgot to press submit.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

go away jackson, please.


eros dear, please help the poor kid get a hold of himself and stop obsessing over me. please. i don't want to hurt him but he's trying to force me into a relationship that i most certainly do NOT fucking want. eww.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

yay. yay. yay.


so happy! :D

[The High Queen of Faerie]

dear self,

stop being a retard.

stop settling for less.

stop eating food that will make you fatter than you already are.

xx

[The High Queen of Faerie]

someone, somewhere, please coerce my mum into not treating me like shit.

the end.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

hello self, how are you doing?

oh not so bad, thanks. not so bad.

i'd be better if i wasn't coughing my guts out though.

:( that sucks

[The High Queen of Faerie]

please help me figure out wtf is going on.

[Tabby]

*hugs*

[The High Queen of Faerie]

I am really happy at the moment.

I haven't been here in such a long while. But I am back.

And I think it is time for a rebirth.

I need a new screen name. I've been looking for names for the past few hours, and I can't find a fitting one. I am considering a few, though. We'll see.

I'm so content at the moment. And I'm by myself, and I'm content. Self-sufficient. In that 'I don't need anybody' way. In that... I know who I am, and if you don't accept me you can go... shove something up your arse sort of way.

I'm getting more self confident. :)

And I think it's safe to say I'm not depressed.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

Hurrah hurrah. Life is fantastic.

Absolutely... fantastic.

I would like to thank you, each of you, as well as Kambriel, for supporting me and helping me through these hard times.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me








Thank you for whatever it is you've given me. I don't know what it is so far, or what will happen.

But thank you.



For everything.