To anyone who reads my posts or PMs with me

[StephanieAine]

If you've written and I haven't responded - or if I haven't replied to a thread message - please forgive me right now. I found out within the past hour that my best friend has committed suicide, and I don't know what to say. This is after *also* losing my almost-husband many years ago to suicide, which makes the loss of my best friend more of a shock - and the fact that I also lost my *other* best friend to AIDS not long ago. Plus, an uncle died from emphysema about a week ago. But losing S. this way has me in a complete fog... so I just don't really know what I'm doing right now. I'm thinking I might try to distract myself, but I don't think I know how to do that right now, so I don't know if I can even read threads normally.

I might be "off", personality/participation-wise, for a while. I just wanted people to know that I haven't forgotten people's messages, and I *will* respond to them when I'm able.

[Laisrean]

*hugs*

I don't know what to say... you have my sympathy. I hope that you will stay here on mysticwicks where there is alot of people you can talk to if you need support... :sadeyes:

[Blondie]

Love and light be with you in your time of need.
I'm sure you have many positive people in your life, don't be blind to them.

[charmedkisses1]

:foh: :wah:
we are here for you hon
:heartthro :heartthro

[Bec_W]

I'm so sorry :(

[Faeawyn]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Aine of the Fae]

Oh hun! I'm so sorry! If it's ok with you, I'll add you to my evening prayer list!

[StephanieAine]

Thank you, everyone - I appreciate having your support. And yes, Aine, if you could please do that, I would appreciate it. Please especially pray for emotional strength and recovery for my friend's young teenaged daughter who found her mother... we'll just call the daughter "A" and God knows her name, so the message will be loud and clear.

[Tullip Troll]

Thank you, everyone - I appreciate having your support. And yes, Aine, if you could please do that, I would appreciate it. Please especially pray for emotional strength and recovery for my friend's young teenaged daughter who found her mother... we'll just call the daughter "A" and God knows her name, so the message will be loud and clear.




I am hugging you right now...

MheraPai

[Kadynas]

:hugz: So sorry for your loss...

[Isa]

Oh my god, that's terrible. Please take care of yourself, and I'm sure that there are a lot of people here who's hearts go out to you. I know mine does.

[aluokaloo]

:geez: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

[celticfire]

{HUGS} and loving blessings to you...

[Aine of the Fae]

Thank you, everyone - I appreciate having your support. And yes, Aine, if you could please do that, I would appreciate it. Please especially pray for emotional strength and recovery for my friend's young teenaged daughter who found her mother... we'll just call the daughter "A" and God knows her name, so the message will be loud and clear.



You're both on my list, as well as anyone else who may be affected by this for it will surely touch many souls.

[djmixon]

Sweetie. . . .no words can help heal your pain. . . . .but we are here for you. . . . .

Blessings and comfort. . .

Donna

[Nekhet]

All of us here send our thoughts and energies to you, in this time of great difficulty....

There is an ancient Egyptian proverb...very short....very simple...yet it speaks volumes in times like this...

Seti Va Otu Ra Ek...
Death is only the beginning...

Your humble servant,
Nekhet

[Rowan MoonDragon]

OH, Honey, I am SO sorry! Love, light and healing energy are on the way.

[Sephiroth]

*HUGS* i will light my candle for u. i hope u the best. and i will pray for ur friend to find his way.

[Earthy]

I'm so sorry.:hugz:
You'll be in my prayers,so will her daughter who must be in such a state right now.

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

*huggles*. I am sorry for your loss hunny. I hope you manage to find some comfort, somewhere.(())

[StephanieAine]

Thank you, everyone, so much. It's impossible to convey this on a message board properly, but your messages *are* very, very much a comfort to me. It's much less "alone." Not sure how to deal with not having Shari in my world anymore, and just keep looking around at things I know she was looking at only days ago... whether it's a commercial on television, or the sky, or *anything.* I haven't spoken to her daughter yet; I did speak to her ex-husband, and apparently her daughter has gone to her grandmother's house for a few days. And the daughter has Shari's/her mother's new puppy with her, so that must be of a bit of comfort to her just having her mom's puppy to hold. This is a nightmare.

[Dave the Druid]

We share your saddness for your losses :Head Bowed:

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz:
strength to get through yr nightmare hun

[Sabrina]

That's a lot to handle all within such a short span of time. My heart goes out to you, hon. And I don't think anyone will feel unattended to while you process all these emotions you're going to go through. But folks may miss you - and really that's a good thing.
Heal yourself and help those around you - everyone will be here when you return.

sending energy for such a hard time.
in love and sisterhood
Sabrina

[Dorchadas Síofra]

**hugs** and healing for you. I am truly sorry. Take care and if you need anything, we're all supporting you.

[WitchJezebel]

:hugz: my prayers are with you StephanieAine.

[Nighthawk]

Ummm, wow... well, I am so sorry... you have seen too much already.. If you ever need a friend to talk to... lemme know

[Lunacie]

Hugs and comfort for you and your friend's daughter and all her family and friends.

[skilly-nilly]

GoodWishing sent to you, the person, her daughter, and all affected.

God send Peace.

Offer it up, you're never alone---skilly-nilly

[StephanieAine]

Thank you, everybody... I'm peeking into this thread a few times a day when the "glumness" is at its worst, and just re-reading the messages and everything is a breath of air for me. So, to all of you who are being so caring, thanks - and please know how deeply I appreciate each and every single one of you. You're helping me to manage this to whatever degree I'm able to manage it, that helps when 'coping' seems like such a far-off possibility.

Thank you - and hugs.

[alesay]

Sweetheart, I've never talked to you (That i know of:)) But you take care... i can't begin to imagine your loss, but everyone here will be with me in saying we hope you find peace... and if you need anything, please just hollar!!

[StephanieAine]

Thank you so much <hugs to all of you supportive people - you have no idea how much I appreciate each and every one of you here!>.

Every time I look at this thread I'm reminded of how caring people really can be, and how precious life is. I wish Shari knew that. Obviously she didn't want to be here - but I can't imagine why, really, because I *fought* to stay alive when I was going through cancer. I almost didn't make it. Shari watched that scenario unfold - and it was something I hoped that she would gain some benefit from, even if only to know that sometimes miracles can happen. The doctors said I'd die in a matter of a few months, and this was in the early 1990s... and there was supposedly nothing that could be done. I gave it all to God's care and trusted in Him, and told the doctors to do whatever they could think of doing... even experiment on me if they just had a hunch about some treatment... and they ended up doing just that. God and I took care of the spiritual end of things, and I focused on the fact that my little girl needed me to be here.

I clawed and kicked my way toward staying alive - and now I'm sitting here asking myself, why? She had a little girl, and now that little girl has no mother. It's so mind boggling to me. It's upsetting, saddening, enfuriating... God, if Shari would just walk in here for five minutes so I could deck her I'd feel maybe a BIT better. I'd love to read her the riot act. But I know that if her spirit did come into this room and I saw her with my own eyes, I'd be too busy trying to hug her, if that would even be physically possible.

My daughter and I talked earlier tonight about Shari, and confided to each other that we've felt Shari's presence on several occasions since her death. It's not like when Lee (my first love who died at age 16) died, or when my grandfather died (my grandfather appeared to me in a dream and gave me an urgent message. Later, he appeared to my daughter to apologize for an incident that took place a year or so before his death). When we feel Shari around us, strangely, it's literally like she's *alive.* Like she's trying to involve herself in certain conversations that take place. No, we're not hearing anything... it's not as if there's a ghost in the house or something like that. It's just the exact feeling of being with her physically in the room, just as she has always felt... and knowing that instead of it being just my daughter and I talking alone, she is there, too, and actively listening. I get the feeling she wishes she could tell me something - not like a 'last goodbye' kind of thing, but as if there's something I need to know about, and it's of concern to her. I feel like it's connected to what happened, and it really worries me. I have the distinct impression that I'm supposed to think, and think hard, about whatever it is that I'm supposed to know.

I've had many so-called "psychic" experiences in my life, and so has my daughter (I'll save that discussion for a later thread), so I'm not entirely surprised by any of this... except that I'm surprised by the intensity and urgency of it. As I type this, I just realized that she knew in detail about various experiences I've had and how sensitive I am - so it could be that she's trying extra hard to get me to notice, since she might worry that this would be something I *wouldn't* notice for some reason. Maybe she's figuring that if she "pours it on thick" I'll be more likely to understand. Then again, maybe I'm just grieving and imagining the whole thing <g> (but I'm not imagining it, and I know it, so it's pointless to try to pretend it away, LOL. My daughter is having the same thing happen, so it looks like it's something I need to deal with).

Some of you might be thinking of some sort of "go to the light" kind of ritual for me to do, to help her find her way or something... so just in case anyone has an idea about such things to do to help her transition or something, I think it's important to mention again that I'm Celtic Christian, and I don't do such rituals for Biblical reasons (but - just in case - if anyone was thinking of such an idea, I appreciate your thoughts and ideas *very* much... but it's one of those situations where the difference in religious perspective alters how I'm able to approach the situation, you know?) I recognize certain 'supernatural' events occur and that many things exist whether modern science realizes it or not, but I don't involve myself in anything that would involve stepping into areas that God handles... although I certainly do remain open, and I certainly have no problem with speaking to God about whatever is going on with Shari. Obviously He has no problem with me noticing whatever is going on, so I guess it's okay to just notice and try to understand.

By the way, I was telling my daughter how nice it is that everyone is being so supportive here and how helpful it is to come in to read this thread. You all have really made me feel very welcome and comfortable at MW, in spite of the fact that I'm "outnumbered" <g> and could have easily been an unwelcome presence in just about any other pagan online community. But here at MW, you're all very approachable and have been great about accepting me into the community, and many of you even notice when I'm not present in threads and take the time to PM me! Makes me kind of sentimental, LOL. So, thank you for being here in the thread - and just being here in general.

So, that's my message for today <s>....

[Wascally Wabbit]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[SilentDreams]

*hugs*

I don't know what to say... you have my sympathy. I hope that you will stay here on mysticwicks where there is alot of people you can talk to if you need support... :sadeyes:


Yes I agree. I really wish I could do something. My support is all I can give, if you need it just ask.

[fireswimmer]

I am so sorry for your losses. Thoughts are with you!

[Lunacie]

I absolutely believe that your friend is still there with you in spirit. When I focus on her I feel such a great burden of sadness, it's just a huge weight sitting on my lungs, making it hard to breath, making it hard to live. I think she wants you to know that she doens't blame you for her sadness and that she doesn't feel the pain anymore. I think she appreciates your friendship very much, both before she passed over and even more now. Does that make any sense to you? Hugs, Luna

[Holly Ariadna]

Thank you, everyone - I appreciate having your support. And yes, Aine, if you could please do that, I would appreciate it. Please especially pray for emotional strength and recovery for my friend's young teenaged daughter who found her mother... we'll just call the daughter "A" and God knows her name, so the message will be loud and clear.



I'll do that too if you don't mind. :( I'm so sorry sweetie! *hugs*

[Dave the Druid]

Steph,

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[The High Queen of Faerie]

oh wow... i am shocked. that's completely awful - i am so, so sorry for your loss.

posting you have always been kind to me, your points always polite and insightful at the same time. i do hope that you find an okay way to cope with this terrible loss, especially since you seem to have a history of loss. ;_; *hug*

my thoughts and prayers are with you, if that's okay....

brightest blessings. <3

[StephanieAine]

<huge sigh>

I'm not always polite.

A few days ago I was a jerk to someone. My *point* was an honest one, and it came from a place of concern... but it also came from a place of fear for that person. I jumped on them. Then again, they said something crappy that was uncalled for, but that doesn't excuse my behavior one iota. I could have been much nicer, let's put it that way. And, (as is typical in a case like this) - I can't remember their MW member name! (If you're out there, and you're reading this - I'm sorry.)

But - I guess I was having a cruddy moment. Cerise, I'm glad you feel that I'm a kind person... I do try to be, but I hate it when I screw up. (Thank you for being supportive, btw, it does help.) :-)

[LadyAutumnCat]

I'm sorry for your loss. Sending healing and loving energies your way.

Blessed be.....

[Mòrag Elasaid Ní Dhòmhnaill]

Stephanie, I just wanted to let you know that you and your family, as well as that of your friend are in my thoughts. I hope that your pain does not linger and that the wounds heal.

[StephanieAine]

Thank you for being so supportive, everyone, I wish I could hug you... I know, my daughter thinks I'm mushy, so maybe I resemble that remark, LOL.

A bit of an update.

Today was Shari's funeral, and I wasn't able to go. It was a three hour drive, and I couldn't do the long car ride up there (swelling from lymphedema caused by cancer treatments and blood clot issues - not safe to sit in one position cramped up in a car like that). Her ex-husband ended up telling me on the phone that I shouldn't feel guilty about it, even though I do, because I shouldn't have to think about taking such a long trip in this condition *anyway* - and that if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have even had to think about it. So in other words, don't feel guilty about not doing it, because you shouldn't have had to do it anyway - because this whole thing shouldn't be happening at all. When I told my nineteen year old daughter, she said it was a very good point, and so I felt a bit better - because my daughter even felt guilty. His comment changed the spin on things.

But of course, I feel like a slug.

I've been on the telephone back and forth with him, and I also talked to 'J' his mother (S. and her ex-mother-in-law were very close, even after the divorce). When I was on the phone with her, she was saying that she had been wanting to talk to me because she has been up there staying in the house (the house that Shari lived in) and going through various things, and in the course of that, she came across a Bible that I had given Shari. The minute she said this, I felt like my heart stopped because I remembered the time period and the circumstances (I was dealing with cancer, and as a holiday gift I gave her a study Bible... I wanted her to have something she'd love to read and something she could really 'dig deep' into, because she was a new believer. It's a long story, but Shari became a believer after a five hour telephone conversation with me. It was a very, very big deal because it's not like when an atheist becomes a Christian... that would involve going from 'not believing in God' to 'believing in God,' which is a leap, but *this* was a Jewish girl completely changing her perspective very suddenly. None of this was planned; it's not like I *sought out* to change her mind... she actually asked me one question, and when I answered it, that created other questions... and suddenly she was saying, "I feel like I've completely connected the dots" or something to that effect. She was suddenly seeing both her family's faith and the Christian faith with a completely different perspective, and both faiths made more sense to her than ever before.)

On the phone, J. said, "When I found the Bible I realized you gave it to her, and I saw that you had written in it, I thought that maybe you might like to have this back." (I wrote a lengthy message from what I remember, and I recall that I was really in awe of the fact that I had been there the moment she became a believer - and so giving her a Bible felt like I was participating in something so special that I really didn't know why I was so fortunate to be even a part of it in a small way).
It's hard to explain this, but when she said that, I felt such a strange sickness inside... like, 'no, that's Shari's Bible... I can't take that Bible away from her'... so I said, "Would (her daughter) want to have it? I think maybe she should have it." But J said that the daughter now has the Bible that Shari was using during her marriage to her current husband (the husband who died just a few weeks prior to S.'s suicide). I felt like I was being given the message from J, 'take this Bible away, we can't look at it' but I still don't understand that, because you have to understand, the mother-in-law is a Christian, the whole family is Christian... I could understand it if Shari's Jewish mom and sister were to ask me something like that, but that's not the case (they're on the other side of the country right now and I haven't spoken to either of them, although I left a phone message).

So, J said again (while I was sitting there not knowing what to do), "Yes, (the daughter) has the Bible her mom was using, but since this one had the writing in it and I know that you two were very close, I thought you may like to have it back" (pause) "since you gave it to her." (which struck me as odd, even though I've heard of people in my own family returning items to people after a person's death, almost like 'hey, remember that toaster you gave Aunt Pearl last year? Well, now it's yours.' That sounds flippant, but even though I understand the thinking and maybe it even makes sense... I still feel like if I give something to someone, especially if it's a Bible, then that Bible absolutely isn't mine anymore; I gave it to the person, and now it's theirs. I never, ever, ever, ever, *ever* imagined that one day that Bible wouldn't be with her... and in fact, I assumed **I** would die of the cancer before she died of old age. This was definitely not on my list of possibilities.)

At that point I was sort of baffled although I tried to act normal, and I really didn't know what to do. It felt strange to think of having the Bible 'back' and it felt better to think of her daughter having it - but I had the impression that the daughter apparently only wants the one her mom actually *used* (which is logical; I have several Bibles, but only two of them that are used regularly, and which have my notes and handwriting within them. I can see why the daughter would want what her mom actually used). So, I had to choose. Do I want it? Do I not want it?

(And - the unasked question - if I say I don't want it, what happens to it? Shari's ashes, along with the ashes of her husband, were already together and ready to be scattered up on the rim in northern Arizona. No grave or headstone. So, even if I wanted to give it to *Shari* to be tucked into her casket, which I would have wanted, I didn't have that opportunity... because she wanted to be in the wind with her husband instead. (This brings up feelings of anger; primarily for her daughter and family, but also for myself, and for my own daughter who called her 'Aunt Shari' and loved her to pieces. Now I watch my daughter veer from tears to anger repeatedly, and worry as she is afraid to go to sleep at night. Oh, I won't go into it).

So I just said, "I don't know what to do" - and my voice sounded stupidly helpless, like an overgrown toddler, which also made me mad at myself. Because I knew that obviously poor J. was just wanting to know about a simple question, and there she is in that house where S died, sleeping on the sofa bed in order to comfort S's recently deceased husband's mother, who lived with S. and her husband. Like J really needs MY issues, right?

To spare her from my own anxiety, I just followed it with "Can I think about that for a while?" She said of course I could, and added my email address and other info to her address book so we could keep in contact.

I know I'm going to have to figure out what to do soon, because I can't leave that Bible in Bible limbo; it could end up in a dumpster, and I know I don't want that to happen. I wish she had a grave in a cemetary so that I had a place to take it, because I'd sneak it underneath the nearest bush and figure that it was at least in close proximity to her. I know she is in heaven (I also know she has been around me lately, but as of yesterday, I didn't feel her nearby... so I think that God gave her a few days to look in on the people she left behind. I think she was concerned, and maybe she just needed to see that we were somewhat okay.) So, no matter where that Bible is... realistically... she doesn't have it anymore. What she has is deeper than ink on paper bound in leather, because she received the promise and the forgiveness. I keep reminding myself of that, but in my own humanness, I wish that Bible was in her own hands. At least so that I knew that she took with her the knowledge that I wanted to help.

There are people here who have mentioned being suicidal. I don't know if any of this makes a difference, but there is nothing more final than the separation of a soul from a body. It isn't a solution; it certainly isn't painless, both before, during, or after such an act. When such a step is taken, it doesn't end the knowing of what caused the pain to begin with; and, you really don't walk away. If you think you don't care about the people left behind, you're thinking from the perspective of your own flesh and blood and the way you see things now. It's different if you look at those people later, one soul seeing into the soul of another person, the soul of someone you know and who knows you. Someone you're linked to by love, or by hate, or by some kind of need or wish. You end up seeing and feeling what you've done to people whether in this life or the next, just as the people left behind do. Except then there's no way to take anything back, or even try to make things better.

That's all for now... thanks for listening. :-)

[Mòrag Elasaid Ní Dhòmhnaill]

There are people here who have mentioned being suicidal. I don't know if any of this makes a difference, but there is nothing more final than the separation of a soul from a body. It isn't a solution; it certainly isn't painless, both before, during, or after such an act. When such a step is taken, it doesn't end the knowing of what caused the pain to begin with; and, you really don't walk away. If you think you don't care about the people left behind, you're thinking from the perspective of your own flesh and blood and the way you see things now. It's different if you look at those people later, one soul seeing into the soul of another person, the soul of someone you know and who knows you. Someone you're linked to by love, or by hate, or by some kind of need or wish. You end up seeing and feeling what you've done to people whether in this life or the next, just as the people left behind do. Except then there's no way to take anything back, or even try to make things better.

That's all for now... thanks for listening. :-)

I just wanted to say what a good point you make. No matter how bad life gets or seems there is always something to live for. I know this from experience as I myself attempted suicide. And as I was lieing there, thoughts kept running through my head and I realized how stupid and silly I was being and immediately got help. I realized how much I had to live for. How much we all have to live for. Stephanie is right. There is nothing more final and it is not a solution.

[Tsuchimaru]

Someone you're linked to by love, or by hate, or by some kind of need or wish.

Is that people you love, or people who love you?

[Mòrag Elasaid Ní Dhòmhnaill]

I'm not her, but I would have to say both. Strong emotions are ties that bind us to others. You are tied to those you love (or hate) just as those who love (or hate) you are inextricably tied to you.

[StephanieAine]

Morag said exactly what I meant (that was good explanation, Morag). And it was a good question Tsuchi.

BTW, I'm still dealing with the 'grouch' issues I mentioned in my post on the previous page (when I mentioned that I was well-intentioned but yet harsh with someone in a PM a few days ago *but I had stupidly forgotten their name)...

Amazingly, I just remembered the person's name just now. Thankfully I can now apologize for that. I'm heading over to PM to do that. (But in case I snap at someone else - forgive me, I'm a freak right now.)

[RubyRose]

I'm so sorry. :hugz:

[tangerine_smile]

My heart and Blessings and prayers go out to you and all others touched by this. :hugz: .and you take care of yourself.

[Lunacie]

Stephanie :hugz: It sounds like you prefer burial to cremation, am I reading that right? If that's the case then my suggestion probably wouldn't suit you. I would suggest taking the bible that you gave Shari and burning it in a special ritual so that your words would be carried by the fire to where her spirit is. I can see and feel that Shari's death has been very difficult for you and your daughter to deal with, and I send you energy/prayer for comfort and heart-ease.

[DonovanJoseph]

so sorry for your loss, im here if you need anyone to talk to:)

[StephanieAine]

Stephanie :hugz: It sounds like you prefer burial to cremation, am I reading that right? If that's the case then my suggestion probably wouldn't suit you. I would suggest taking the bible that you gave Shari and burning it in a special ritual so that your words would be carried by the fire to where her spirit is. I can see and feel that Shari's death has been very difficult for you and your daughter to deal with, and I send you energy/prayer for comfort and heart-ease.

Thanks, Lunacie <s>...

Yes, I do prefer burial to cremation, you understood correctly.

Your idea is definitely an interesting one, but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to burn a Bible. I've considered possibly burying it, but that's not right somehow either (Jewish scribes used to bury texts if they made even the slightest error in their calligraphy, so on one hand, burying it seems like an acceptable thing. Then again, this isn't the case of a calligraphic error in the text... although the whole SITUATION was "an error"... but yet it doesn't seem right to bury it. I'm just not sure. The whole thing is confusing. I might have to take it back and just put it away somewhere. It has occurred to me that maybe her mother-in-law was remarking about what I had written in the book deliberately... maybe because the mother-in-law thinks what I wrote to Shari will be of comfort to me right now, somehow. I'm still pondering.)

[StephanieAine]

Thank you, everyone, for being here for me.

[Kaylara]

*hugs hon*

[soilsigh aingeal]

:hugz: