View Full Version : I'm going to pose a question a few notches above the definition of controversial...

July 31st, 2004, 01:09 PM
Alright, the question I'm going to pose pertains to my life so I'm just curious about many of the opinions, and since this is a forum for connections and forming relationships and such, I was wondering this.
Does age really, TRULY matter in a relationship?
Perhaps I'm more than insane for believing that true love still exists and that deep down, the heart is truly the only thing that matters, not some mundane digits stating how long you've been alive or whether or not your face could be considered radiant, but I am somewhat younger than most who'd be asking this question, and I just wanted a few opinions.
Some people would consider relationships with a large age difference disgusting, and I don't exactly agree with that, and not to sound pompous, but sometimes one really must see the world through eyes like mine to understand fully what is wrong with saying that a relationship like that is disgusting. I'm fourteen, I've always gotten along much better with adults than anyone my age. I have a high intelligence level and I also seem to have some sense of shrewd knowledge of what I'd like in a long term relationship, let alone a short one. I am unlike most people my age who can barely decide what they want for lunch and can barely hang onto someone for more than a week without becoming bored. And I'll agree with most who say that people my age aren't capable of love because the only thing that's driving the affection is sexual energy, however for a rare specimin like myself, it's quite the opposite, because I do believe i've felt love and I also believe that I've had my heart shattered on more than one occasion.
Perhaps it's simply who I am that brings about this need for someone older, with more intelligence and wisdom about them. I'm rather wistful-looking, and not to use labels, but I'm one of the gothic sort, always dark looking makeup and even darker clothing with my head stuffed into an anne rice novel. Anyway, that's another theorim on why I think the way I do.
In short, I'd just like some opinions, expecially that of the male species.

And if this post sounded dark and rather dreary, my apologies, I have a terse wit and sarchastic sense of humor most of the time :hmmmmm:

July 31st, 2004, 02:36 PM
For me age doesn't matter, all it does is refer to how long the physical body has been around, it doesn't usually mean that their personality matches that. I know of young people who are incredibly mature for thier age, and I know of older people who have the mentality of a 5 year old. Anyway..just tossing in my two cents.

July 31st, 2004, 02:40 PM
Age only matters as far as the maturity level is concerned.
Well, and if one of the people is underage, things could get.. complicated.

July 31st, 2004, 02:54 PM
I can understand about the things getting complicated....*contemplates the complication*

Lady Jade
July 31st, 2004, 03:56 PM
First and foremost: Age matters when there is a relationship between a child and an adult. If the concerned parties are both minors that would also pose other issues.

That being said, I do not think that age matters in a relationship between consenting adults. My ex husband is 24 years older than I am, we met when I was 19. But we are divorced now if that tells you anything about how age eventually becomes an issue in couple with a big difference in years. The younger person becomes old, not the other way around (for very long).

I wish you peace in your thoughts.

July 31st, 2004, 04:25 PM
A person that is "of age" with a minor is a problem. I personally would have issues dating someone that was a great deal older than myself. Differences in maturity would certainly be a factor...

July 31st, 2004, 06:06 PM
Two adults and it doesnt matter. Love doesnt discriminate, people do!

July 31st, 2004, 06:28 PM
The only reason I'm annoyed is because mentally I'm an adult but by age I've got a few more years to go. I agree with you Shanti. Love doesn't discriminate at all...

July 31st, 2004, 07:20 PM
The only reason I'm annoyed is because mentally I'm an adult but by age I've got a few more years to go. I agree with you Shanti. Love doesn't discriminate at all... Annoying, yes. But with having a mature mind, you also know that patiently waiting for the laws, that define adult, must catch up to you. And then you may very well be more ready than some of your peers for the life ahead!

I know not everyone fits the deffinition defined by law as to when one is an adult. Their are 16 yr olds out in the world that are more mature than some 30 yr olds, but we are stuck with the boundries before us.

July 31st, 2004, 11:41 PM
I am a 41 year old male. I agree that age should only matter when it is a minor and an adult. But other than that if two people are interested in each other they should follows their hearts.But society has stamped in our brains that a large age difference is not love it is something else. I was recently approached by a 24 year old woman who expressed an interest in me. While I was interested, and flattered, I still felt a little ashamed of myself for what I felt. In other countries age is of less importance than in the US. But with all of the men out there today who would take advantage of a young girl such as yourself ( I have a fifteen year old daughter) stay with your own age is my advice. Consenting adults is the key word in this debate! Brightest Blessings!

August 1st, 2004, 02:54 AM
Age matters. It shouldn't, but it does. We have statutory laws to prove it.

August 1st, 2004, 02:57 AM
My older brother is married to a woman who is 17 yrs older then he is...he's 40...he's a step-father to two adult sons(29 & 31 respectively), and a stepgrandfather to 4!! They get along great...and have been married since 1990... :tongueout

August 1st, 2004, 05:16 AM
I dont tink age matters at all.As long as the two people respect each other,and are both mature enough to handle that type of relationship its o.k. I have dated women both older and younger.I would just say becareful before you date someone older.Make sure they want a relationship not just sex.For the most part age is only the physical body and though laws are man made we do have to respect the law because no one should have to go to jail for there special someone.
But heres something I always thought was funny,Virgin mary was 13 when she gave birth to jesus God is very very old so talk about an age gap there,and Joseph her earthly husband was 40 when jesus was born.Lot of age gaps.I always found that funny.

August 1st, 2004, 05:20 AM
The only times when age matter are when one person wields a considerable amount of power over another by their age. If someone is under the age of 18 and they are dating someone who is considerably older and able to wield control over them therefore make them vulnerable. So basically if someone is 25 and their partner is 35 it's no biggie, but if someone is 35 and their partner is 16 that's inappropriate.

August 1st, 2004, 05:42 AM
I think that age is subjectively related to individuals when it comes to a pairing within a relationship. Obviously you have to abide by the laws of the land but if two people really get along and the relationship is equal then they will both have something to bring to it.

August 1st, 2004, 11:09 AM
The only reason I'm annoyed is because mentally I'm an adult but by age I've got a few more years to go. I agree with you Shanti. Love doesn't discriminate at all...
What you think you are mentally does not come into play with what the judge will say when he puts your older lover behind bars. If you are contemplating a certain type of relationship with someone, there should be some emotions and genuine concern for the other person, thus not wanting them to go to jail.

Also be very mindful, everyone, of how this conversation is handled. No part of MW shall ever condone this type of illegal activity, anymore then we could condone drug deals going on in threads.

August 1st, 2004, 02:54 PM
The only times when age matter are when one person wields a considerable amount of power over another by their age. If someone is under the age of 18 and they are dating someone who is considerably older and able to wield control over them therefore make them vulnerable. So basically if someone is 25 and their partner is 35 it's no biggie, but if someone is 35 and their partner is 16 that's inappropriate.

What if i am say, 14 and i go out with a guy/girl who is 20-23?

August 1st, 2004, 06:31 PM
If you're mature enough to compete with 20-23 year olds, then you're mature enough to understand the ill effects of dating somebody ten years your senior before you've even cleared the adolescence hurdle.

August 2nd, 2004, 01:09 AM
"Does age really, TRULY matter in a relationship?"

On an emotional level, no.
On a pysical lever, well, that depends.
On a legal level, that also depends.

The High Queen of Faerie
August 2nd, 2004, 02:30 AM
i don't think that age matters a bit.

why should two people who love each other be kept apart simply due to their age? :/ this, to me, is a truly depressing thought. to me in a relationship, two people should be together if they are in love. enough said.

August 2nd, 2004, 10:18 PM

I believe that age does truly matter in some cases. And, since I read in another thread that you are 14, I feel compelled to say that it absolutely matters for someone your age.

While you may feel grown up and in control of things, often young women are taken advantage of well meaning older men. Please treasure yourself, value who you are and keep yourself safe.

An older guy has much more life experience, and often they'll use that against you before you know it. I don't mean to lecture, but really, please try not to be with people much older than you.

Not only can this be hard for you, it can get the guy in alot of trouble too.

Treasure yourself, see your value, and never settle for less than you deserve.

Blessed Be,

August 8th, 2004, 10:34 PM
Dear B133d1ng,
Maybe I can give you some advice since we seem to have a lot in common. I was very mature for my age as well. I was reading on a college level in 7th grade. Anne Rice has been my favorite writer since I was nine. I rarely understood other children, and even most adults I knew were below my level (I mean this emotionally as well as intellectually). My best friends were usually my teachers. I was 13 the first time I fell in love. The guy was 18. I never really made a move and when we graduated that year we were only friends. I've seen him a couple of times since then, and I still think about him, but I'm glade nothing romantic ever happened. People change, especially in their teen years. Back then we had a lot in common. Now I am a Wiccan majoring in Jungian Psychology and he is a married Christian youth minister and a gospel singer. Needless to say, if we had been together we would have grown apart, or remained stagnant just to be together. As a teenager, you are still defining who you are (hopefully you will continue to do this all your life, but it will probably not be as dramatic as now). Just because you are equal or above many adults does not mean that you will not grow higher or in another direction. It also does not mean you will not find someone your on age on your level. It took me until I was 19, but I finally found the perfect person for me. He's as smart as me, as caring, and he's even a writer and a Pagan like me! I've also found many friends on my level at college and in the Pagan community. Oh, and he's a year younger than me!
The main problem I see with the underagers and adults is the fact that teens are just not ready (mentally and usually financially and physically) for the same kind of relationships as adults. Adults want things like sex and marriage and babies. Are you ready for these things? You must remember that it is not hard for the first to lead to the second and third. Also, most men, especially if they have had a lot of experience, do not take sex as seriously as women. To them, you are just having a fun and memorable experience. For you it will be binding, and if your not careful dangerous. I know this because many of my friends have gone through it. Also, even though I am on birth control, I still worry about what could happen. I would never have taken such a chance in high school! If you do make sure you use condoms and the pill. Sperm can live in the human body for seven days so the rhythm method does not work.
Sorry about the ranting. I have a fourteen-year-old cousin who just started having sex and I worry about her all the time. I guess I was just taking it out on you because I can't get thought to her. But you really must take care. Basically, its not the age I have a problem with as long as the maturity level is the same; it's just that 14 is not a good age to have to drop out of school and take care of a baby. Good luck with everything. I hope you do what is best for you, whatever that may be.
Love and Blessings,

August 9th, 2004, 08:26 PM
Adding my comments here:

For me personally, age does matter. I'll freely admit that I'm more biased that most people when it comes to age differences in romantic relationships. I'm very wary of the motives of older men who are interested in me, and I'm simply not satisfied with the maturity level of guys younger than me.

I can relate to feeling more mature and more intelligent than your age group, and B133d1ng, I don't doubt that you are in the least. Unfortunately, even though you could be more mature and worldly than someone who's 20-25 in most ways, the amount of time you spend on this earth can actually count for something. So those 20-somethings who are total dorks have still had more life experience for the sheer fact they've been around longer. It doesn't mean they've grown emotionally, it just means they may have more tricks up their sleeves.

Call me cynical, and I'll agree with you. ;) I've just always had better experiences when I played it a bit safe and followed my gut than following my Id.


August 9th, 2004, 08:32 PM
It depends on the individuals. I was always, and still am, drawn to older people. My best friend is 8 years older than me. When I was 16, I was dating a 26 year old. When I was 21, it was a 30 year old. But I learned that age definately does not equal maturity, and have found my balance and happiness with a man my age who is mature beyond his years, but still knows how to have a good time.

August 9th, 2004, 10:47 PM
Age doesn't matter but I'm still a strong believer that, until you hit at the very least 17, you should not date older than is legal. I was 19 when I started dating a 30 year old man. Age never got in the way, but I don't think I'd even approve of my relationship with him if I was younger than 18. The men seem to live in the fantasy world of younger women being best, though.

Infinite Muse
August 9th, 2004, 11:07 PM
from my personal female perspective:
yes age matters
i am *too* intimidated by men older than me so i stick with my age give or take three years
not that i have had much opportunity lately or anything

August 12th, 2004, 06:58 AM
Been out of town - my take on it is that age matters, but that it shouldn't be the only deciding factor.

I'm polyamorous - I'm 5 years older than my husband (I'm almost 29, we've been married for going on 3 years, so we got married when he was quite young) and his other relationship is about 20 years older than he is.

For he and I, it's not a big deal, though I did spend a good bit of time earlier in our relationship *not* sticking my nose in until he asked - he hadn't really lived on his own, etc. and I felt it was important to let him make his own mistakes.

And with adults, with a 5-8 year gap, it's not a huge problem. They'll still be in the same range of being able to look at kids, finances, retirement, etc. on the same rough schedule. However, when you get *more* of a gap than that, you start having more problems in these areas. One may hit a mid-life (or Saturn Return) "Need to change my life!" moment much sooner, sometimes right when the younger person has only just really started establishing a career. Kids, if a couple wants kids, may be more complicated to work with and still have two parents who are willing to be active participants in childrearing. And retirement planning can be really hard going: with a 15 year gap, if the younger partner retires at 65, the older will be 80- - and quite possibly beginning to have enough health issues that they don't get to enjoy retirement together, or are more limited in what they can do.

None of this is irresolveable, but it's definitely a layer of further complication.

For people who are still minors: *most* people change a whole lot between about 13 and 23. That's part of growing up. Part of that is also experimenting, trying things out, figuring out what you want. Because of that, I think it's a good idea to avoid looking at long-term commitments until you're at least 18/19 - just because what you want can change so much. (Incidentally: one of the reasons I think my husband and I worked is that we're both pretty willing to be flexible about how stuff works: we don't do the conventional marriage model thing.)

As said, there are also lots of ways an older person can - consciously or unconsciously - manipulate a relationship that hurts the younger person. Why court that? If the relationship's really meant to last, waiting a couple of years before any significant commitment/financial/legal entanglement or kids or whatever won't hurt.

Garden of Eden
August 12th, 2004, 09:05 PM
I can sympathise. I am 15, and despair of the mentality of most boys my age. Luckily I attend a school at which most of the students are quite gifted, and this makes it a little easier to find the occasional intelligent male of my age :) (A little...)

The High Queen of Faerie
August 12th, 2004, 09:22 PM
I can sympathise. I am 15, and despair of the mentality of most boys my age. Luckily I attend a school at which most of the students are quite gifted, and this makes it a little easier to find the occasional intelligent male of my age :) (A little...)

intellectual teenage males are a rare species ;)

August 14th, 2004, 11:08 AM
age can matter: there are many factors that go into a relationship and there are allways consiquinces you need to know what the price of something is afore you buy it .now age twixt 2 or more consenting adults ...adults meaning leagle age limit or over... is another story alltogether.