View Full Version : What to do about a manipulitive brother in law to be

August 11th, 2004, 08:07 PM
At a loss on how to proceed my sister's fiancee has been a source of discomfort to me for quite a while. my own SO and myself have been skeptical of him for the last few years having noticed the way he seems to manipulate her and treats her in general. At first he convinced her to move in with himself and his ailing mother because the situation at my parents house was stressing her out, he did this by convincing her that my father cared more for me and my other siblings than for her , which is absolutely ridiculous. However she bought it and left a cruel letter to my dad when she left the house. then she turned around and told them (our parents) that she wanted them to pay for college siting my brother and myself as getting assestance for college. (note she was too young at the time i was in college to know that i paid my own way)My dad streatched his budget and found the money to help her through loans because whenever he didnt agree with what the guy said she wouldnt call for weeks at a time...oh yeah at this point we werent allowed to call her cause it would disturb the sick mother. She then takes off the last semester of her sophmore year cause his mom was dying and she was helping take care of her, I must admit the boys mom was really a peach and I understand why she liked her so much. At this point I was thinking OK she will ditch him when the lady is gone cause he had already done a few things that ruffled my sisters hard to ruffle feathers. But no dice. and we now acnnot call her at home even when he isn't there cause he is always expecting calls that cant be missed.

So getting closer to the present here and skipping over a few other disturbing events, he proposes a couple of months ago.and she accepts choosing me to be her maid of honor. (I am stupified as to how to handle that and am still trying to figure out what I will do). Then she gets into an argument with him and he leaves her in the middle of a severe thunderstorm a mile from myself whose car isnt working and she is unable to get ahold of my parents so finally she gets my brother who saves her from the rain.
Apparently she is not allowed to talk to men that she isn't related to now...can you beleive that .....I mean the nerve. And she wasn't hearing it so she hung out over at my brothers work for a while and then went back to her apartement to work things out. Now we come to my crazy mother, who is mad at me cause I wont tell her what I know about the fight, I figure that since i didn't get the information from my sister directly and my mom did talk to her and she didn't give it to my mom. Then it wasn't my place to give said second hand information since I am sure I dont have all the facts. Somebody anybody suggestions Please!!!!!! :geez: :fpatricks

August 11th, 2004, 09:34 PM
He is abusing her. Not all abuse is physical and if you call your local crisis center, they can give you information on what constitutes abuse. If you think she will at least read it, then show her and point out the things that you believe he is doing to her. If she isn't interested in reading it, you did your best. You can't save someone who is permitting the abuse to continue.

As for your mom, I agree with your stand. If your sister wants her to know, she will tell her herself. If your mom can't accept that, just explain that the possibility of your information being wrong is just too high to risk jeopardizing their relationship.


August 11th, 2004, 09:48 PM
I agree with Temair here...mental and emotional abuse is what this sounds like. And throw in a little brainwashing too. How can she not talk to guys she is not related to? I'm going to be really harsh here and it may be totally wrong, but this is my advice: your sister needs to get far away from him. She needs to get a restraining order. I've known people in a situation very similar. This kind of a relationship has a tendancy to get very violent and can be mortal. I don't want to scare you here or anything. And I'm sorry to have to say all this. But this is a very bad place for your sister to be. I used to be in a very abusive relationship. I rarely even talk to my hubby about it now. The guy used to beat the snot out of me. I finally decided I had enough and was sick of living that way for nothing. I got out and got a restaining order. It was a rough period in my life, but I am here today. Had I not done so, I may not.

I will say a prayer for your sister and send energies her way. I hope you can all find the strength and ability to do what can be done. :hugz:

August 11th, 2004, 11:13 PM
I have a friend who has a similar relationship... not as bad, but still, he stifles her to the point that she feels guilty if she talks to any of her "old" friends who weren't also his friends at some point...

Out of my experience, I'd say that all you can do is get all the facts together, sit her down and talk to her about it (and be sure to tell her first that it's NOT because you want to break them up, but because of concern for her well-being), and then hope for the best. Whether she wants to listen or not is her concern, and even if she doesn't listen right away, it might help her get out of it later on, when she's more ready to make the break.
You do need to say something about this, though... it's very easy to go from "you can't talk to other men" to "You talked to other men... *smack*" and he obviously doesn't care about the mental abuse, so the physical wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

August 12th, 2004, 12:13 AM
You do need to say something about this, though... it's very easy to go from "you can't talk to other men" to "You talked to other men... *smack*" and he obviously doesn't care about the mental abuse, so the physical wouldn't be too much of a stretch.
thats what i am afraid of, I think if they get married it will cause he will feel like she is even more his. thanks to all of you for the advice

August 12th, 2004, 02:51 AM
I agree with all the people who said that this is an abusive relationship that could turn physical. I would like to add that even if she keeps defending him and won't leave him you should make it clear to her that you will be there for her if she is ever in trouble. If she manages to alienate herself from the whole family because of this then she will have a much harder time leaving him when she's finally decided she's had enough.

August 12th, 2004, 07:22 AM
Then she gets into an argument with him and he leaves her in the middle of a severe thunderstorm a mile from myself whose car isnt working and she is unable to get ahold of my parents so finally she gets my brother who saves her from the rain.
Apparently she is not allowed to talk to men that she isn't related to now...can you beleive that .....I mean the nerve.

This sounds scarily like the relationship I was once in.

One night, when I was learning to drive, I ground the gears a bit, while taking a corner...he screamed at me to pull up, and when I did, he got out, came to the driver's side, pulled me out, got in himself, and drove off , leaving me stranded in the midddle of the night in one of the roughest areas in town. It took me hurs to get home, and I was terrified...when I reached my front door, my first thought was "He's going to be so mad that I took so long to get home". I walked in and apologised.

*shakes head*

And the talking to guys thing...when his friends came over, I had to go into the bedroom and keep the door shut, so I didn't have to interact with them...there were men where I worked...I was forbidden to speak to them...he was even jealous of my brother....he used to get worked up when I spoke to my own *brother*...

There is so much more...

But it took me 6 years to get out, and I wiill never get those years back, nor will I ever be completely free of the legacy that relationship has left...

Do not give upon your sister....she may be mean to you, but it might be that she's too afraid to not do what he says...keep emphasising to her that she is being abused. She will be in a hellish place, and possibly unable to respond in a "normal" way because of pressure from him, and her own guilt/lack of confidence/sense of duty.....

I hope she realizes soon that there's more to life than being someone else's emotional prisoner...and I hope he doesn't get physical....because that's often the next step.

Tullip Troll
August 12th, 2004, 07:34 AM
tell her how much you love her and that you can see that she is being abused and that you need her to hear you out. Then offer her whatever support she needs to get out...somepeople won't leave becasue they can't see the way out.

I wish you luck and wisdom and all the right words so she will hear you.


If I were a Goddess(big G) I would spend most of my days smiting people like that.

If all else fails....you put him in his place...scare the crap out of him...confront him when she is not around and make sure he understands that you know what he's doing and that you will make his life miserable...that you won't quit till he leaves...

August 12th, 2004, 01:52 PM

There are probably plenty of organizations that can offer assistance of some kind on how to get through to your sister -- I just don't know what they are. I pray you strength to help her and that her vision clear quickly.


August 12th, 2004, 03:54 PM
Bring this list to your sister... I bolded the ones that sounded like what you've already seen him do. I'd be willing to bet that there is more she recognizes. It is my opinion that hiding this information from you family is enabling her to stay with him. Your whole family may want to have an intervention to get her away from him. She may not be able to do it on her own... the first thing that an abuser will usually do is make the victim insecure about everyone else in her life but him. It's hard to believe you are alone and the only person who loves you or cares about you is the person who's hurting you. She will need the support (emotional and perhaps financial, including a place to live) of your whole family to get out of this.

15 Signs of Emotional Abuse

Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
Blames others for problems or mistakes: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, "you make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "you're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.
Cruelty to animals and children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
"Playful" use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
Rigid sex roles: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
Threats of violence: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."