Erebus
August 30th, 2004, 11:54 PM
I'm broken, and empty, and so, so tired.
I've spent the last... year? ... Year or so trying to do it all myself. Putting all of it on my shoulders. I haven't believed in a power beyond myself. Actually, no, that's not entirely true. I refused to believe in a power beyond myself. I refused to believe that there was any situation in which I would need external help. I didn't need anything else. If I couldn't do it, I just needed to practice more. Or, perhaps, it just couldn't be done. Even if there WAS something up there, I refused to believe it would have any interest in me. Why would it? What would I have to give it in return for its help, if it even existed? Worship? Subservience? No way! I refused!
Tonight, I'm about to give up entirely. I'm a shell. I have no more energy to do any more workings. Stress piles up so much faster than I can get rid of it, by magical means or otherwise. Things are going wrong right after the other, like it's a concerted effort by a cartel of higher beings hell-bent on forcing me to acknowledge them, forcing me to admit I can't handle it all on my own.
So... in five minutes, at midnight, I'm going to do something I haven't done in years. I'm going outside and, in front of a makeshift little alter, I'm going to pray.
Not bargain, not summon, not work, not shape, not meditate. I'm going to pray. I'm going to look up at the moon and ask a goddess I've refused to believe in for her help, because I simply can't do it any other way. I'm beaten. They win.
I'm terrified of what I'll have to give up. The idea of asking a god/dess for help scares me to death.
But I'm putting together a pile of bricks and twigs, and I'm going to find out.
I've spent the last... year? ... Year or so trying to do it all myself. Putting all of it on my shoulders. I haven't believed in a power beyond myself. Actually, no, that's not entirely true. I refused to believe in a power beyond myself. I refused to believe that there was any situation in which I would need external help. I didn't need anything else. If I couldn't do it, I just needed to practice more. Or, perhaps, it just couldn't be done. Even if there WAS something up there, I refused to believe it would have any interest in me. Why would it? What would I have to give it in return for its help, if it even existed? Worship? Subservience? No way! I refused!
Tonight, I'm about to give up entirely. I'm a shell. I have no more energy to do any more workings. Stress piles up so much faster than I can get rid of it, by magical means or otherwise. Things are going wrong right after the other, like it's a concerted effort by a cartel of higher beings hell-bent on forcing me to acknowledge them, forcing me to admit I can't handle it all on my own.
So... in five minutes, at midnight, I'm going to do something I haven't done in years. I'm going outside and, in front of a makeshift little alter, I'm going to pray.
Not bargain, not summon, not work, not shape, not meditate. I'm going to pray. I'm going to look up at the moon and ask a goddess I've refused to believe in for her help, because I simply can't do it any other way. I'm beaten. They win.
I'm terrified of what I'll have to give up. The idea of asking a god/dess for help scares me to death.
But I'm putting together a pile of bricks and twigs, and I'm going to find out.