Dealing with a sudden death

[emmunite]

Salutations...
I lost my mom in July. She had just turned 55, went to sleep and didn't wake up. We're still awaiting final autopsy results, although prelim causes show cardiac event. I flew down to Florida the day after I got the call and stayed there a month and a half. Someone needed to take control and run things and it happened to be me. Now, that I'm home and back into my "normal" life, kids, hubbie, job etc...I'm losing it. At times....I just feel like I'm going nuts sometimes. I know that it's ok she's gone, death's a doorway etc etc etc, but, the depth of the pain suprises me. It's hard to reconcile the knowledge that it's ok and the human reaction of intense pain and loss. And it really depends on the day how I feel....yeah I know this is all normal grief reaction etc. Anyone else been in this position? It's strange to be the one seeking help when I'm the one who always gives it to everyone in my life. I'm the one who takes care of things and everyone...my mantra "I'm fine...don't worry about me. How are you?" So if anyone out there is able to be of assistance I'd appreciate it.

[Loopaleigh]

Emmunite,
I am so sorry for your loss...when I first read your post I had to fight back tears both for you and for me. I lost my mom when I was 28 yrs. old and it was also sudden. I was going to school in another city and had 4 days off so I booked a flight home to see my mom because my dad was out of town on business. When I got to the airport she wasn't there so I took a taxi to her house. Well, I won't go into all the details, but I basically found her already passed away when I got to her house. The coroner said she had died sometime that same morning and probably from a massive heartattack. Like you I had to step in and "take charge" and get the funeral arrangements, call my grandmother,call my father, who was in another state at the time. There was so much to do that I felt like I wasn't "aloud" to grieve. I'm the one who keeps a cool head in these sorts of traumas while everyone else falls apart. It was only later that I really broke down.
I won't lie and tell you that in a few months you will be "back to normal" and bright and happy again...because that's not how the greiving process works. Your mom was the single most special person in your life, the woman who brought you into the world and gave you life. You will always miss her...no matter how many years go by. My mom has been gone for 9 yrs. now and I am crying like a baby while trying to write this. The pain does lessen and yes you will learn how to cope and deal with it. Time moves forward no matter how much you probably feel like it should stop. I remember feeling hurt at the slightest everyday occurance. Someone would cut me off in traffic and I would have to pull over and pull myself together. What I really wanted to do was yank them out of their car and scream at them. You will feel angry, guilty or numb one minute and "fine" 2 minutes later, and then 5 minutes after that you'll cry some more. Someone might say something to you that they think is "nice" or "helpful" and it might make you feel better for a minute...or it's just as likely to piss you off. It's not your fault and it's not their fault, it's just grief and sadness and loss. Loss like yours does strange things to one's emotions. It DOES get better, but it will never go away. I once had a friend say to me (this was only 3 months later) "OMG, aren't you over that yet?" I know she wasn't trying to be mean, but I didn't much hang out with her after that and eventually our friendship dissolved. People who have never lost a parent have a very hard time understanding , I mean, REALLY, understanding how it feels when your mom or dad dies. Honestly, the only feeling that might be worse is losing a child, you prepare for your parents death, but nothing prepared my 76 yr. old grandma for losing her first born.
I can tell you a few things that I did that "helped". Get a journal and everytime you think about something you and your mom did, some piece of advice she gave you, her favorite food, whatever it is, write it down. I used to wake up in the middle of the night terrified that I would forget something about her. Writting it down is reasuring and a great way to share memories with your children about their grandma. Incourage your children to participate in this and talk to them about your mom...it's amazing how talking about the person who has passed away can heal. If your grandparents are still alive talk to them about when your mom was a kid, everyone will start sharing stories and memories and you might even find out a few things you never knew about her, like when she tied her brother to a tree...oh, wait, that was my mom....see what I mean? I never knew the story of how my mom tied her brother to a tree, 'cause according to my mom she was a GOOD girl and never did a-n-y-thing bad.....yeah right. Keep in touch with some of her friends if you can, they sometimes have pictures you may not.
Let the adults around you who love you KNOW what you need. Alittle time alone, some time out of the house, whatever it is. They want to help, they may be nervous, not sure what to do, or in pain themselves, but they want to be there for you. It's ok to ask, you don't have to be super strong woman all the time. I am a very stubborn person and often get accused of not taking the help I am offered, but don't be like me. I know it's important to be strong and keep moving on and all that, but ALLOW yourself to grieve. Don't bottle it up.
Lastly, I set up alittle shelf and put my mom's picture on it and some things that reminded me of her, a siamese cat figurine, a rock that she used as a "worry stone" , some cute manatees made from clay (it was one of her fav. animals) and a bunch of other stuff that remind me of her.
And you can always PM me if you want to talk away from a public thread.
Things will feel crazy for awhile, but the pain does lessen. Like I said before, it never really goes away, but it does get better....and never forget your mother loved you and even though she may no longer be here with you in body, she will always be with you in spirit and she will always be watching over you.

[{Tigress}]

Thank you for posting, emmunite. I have contacted a Peer Counselor and they should be getting in touch with you shortly. If you do not hear from them by the end of today, please let me know and I'll find another to talk with you. :)

[DragonFriend]

Hi - you have a PM.

[bellalune04]

I'm sorry for your loss emmunite. My father passed away this July and it was also very sudden. He was rushed to the hospital for what appeared to be a stroke (he had one 12 years ago and made a nearly full recovery). He went from seemingly on the road to recovery to critical within the next 48 hours and passed away shortly after. The chaos and confusion my family and I experienced at the hospital was unbearable. There were so many things that seemed to go wrong (misdiagnosis, a delay for an MRI because the hospital was in the middle of a remodel, and other things I won't go into because I still become angry.) Now we're trying to move forward. I've also been the one that's had to take charge and keep everyone from falling apart. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to keep everyone together that I've forgotten my own grief. One minute I feel like I can't feel anything. Like I've blocked it all and I can't even remember what it's like to feel the pain and sadness. Then something really simple like doing the dishes will sudden set me off and I'll cry. I've learned that it's ok to let go and have a good cry. This is what I tell my mom who cries all the time. I just allow myself to feel the sadness and realize that it's part of the healing, and that if we didn't love him so much than it wouldn't hurt so much, and that's ok. Then after that I try to remember something nice or funny about him and we talk and laugh and just take it day by day. I know this first year will be the hardest, especially with the holidays coming up. So I've tried to think of ways to add to our family traditions that will include a way to honor and remember him (and again reminding myself and everyone that it's ok to cry and to not be afraid to remember). What has also helped me is my own faith. Although my family is devoutly Catholic I found comfort in strengthening my relationship with the Goddess. When I take my mom to church on Sundays I talk to the Goddess through the Virgin Mary and I ask her to help us through this time. In a way I feel that my connection to the divine has been strenghtened knowing that my dad is on the 'other side' watching over me. After his death I thought I would no longer be able to see the beauty in the seasons and all the other things I loved about being a pagan. But to my surprise I found that I appreciate these things even more. Wathching nauture and its cycle gives me comfort because my dad is a part of it. I know my family believes that we will see him again in heaven and in my own way I feel our souls will meet again. I know I've sort of babbled on here but I hope it helps in some small way. I know the sadness seems overwhelming sometimes but try to tell yourself that it's ok and that the healing and remembering will also come. Blessed be.

bella

[emmunite]

Thanks all for the responses. I never thought at 32 I'd become the matriarch of the family. I wasn't sure how it at all posting would help me, although, hearing from others who have had experiences like mine it does help. And a word of wisdom for those who haven't been here yet...please make sure that you and your loved ones talk about last wishes and make sure all details are in order (as best they can be) ie there's a benificiary listed on the life insurance, where importand documents are etc. It's something we don't think about, but, it makes things a lot easier on those of us who are picking up the pieces.