What to do?

[Kahlan]

What do you do when what once was your greatest happiness becomes the thing you hate the most. What do you do when everytime he wals in the room you want to walk out.
What to do when your marrage is no longer what you want.

Im 23 yesrs old and married with one child, an 11 month old daughter named Izabella. My husband while he is a nice guy, isnt the one I want. He annoys me with almost everything he says. The idea of being "togather" nearly makes me sick and all I want to do is run away. Im not sure what the right thing to do is, my not happy. Which I deperatly long to be. But in I dont want to hurt him, because as much as I dont love him anymore I dont want him to be unhappy either. Plus there is the issue of my daughter.

I could really use some advise.........

[Tea Leaf]

:Hugs: Kahlan,

I guess the best thing to do is figure out what is best for you and your daughter.

It sounds like you know what you want to do (leave him); maybe if you sit down and come up with a plan (ex. if you and your daughter leave where will you go, financial questions...etc.) once you have the plan, you might feel a little better knowing there is a real alternative.

If you want to try to save what is left of your relationship, maybe try speaking to him, see how he feels.

Or take a little break, go away for a week-end and clear your head. Come back and look around objectively.

[Aleannah]

I agree...perhaps speaking with a family counselor? That way, maybe you can either resolve your differences, or, if not....then at least do what's the most healthy for your children and yourselves....

[HorseCrow]

:hugz: I agree with the idea of getting counsel. It is so extremely common that couples experience severe relationship-hardships when their first is about a year old, sometimes before. The strain and life alteration of having become parents, can get too much to handle.

But don't let go or give up too easily. Give it a chance. He is your daugthers father and you should give him the benefit of a doubt and see if the two of you can find that love again, within your new identities, even though it seems impossible right now.

All the best, :hugz:

[Ceres]

i have been there too! when my first was little, i was sure i had made a big mistake marrying her father. we fought about everything - it seemed we couldnt reconcile our disagreements on any subject. i felt i didnt know him well enough before we married and that i should have been more choosy. we sort of went day to day feeling angry and dissatisfied with eachother.
as she was getting older, i was feeling the need to read more about discipline and see how i was going to approach the raising of this child as she grew. i read a book called "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by elaine mazlish and adele faber and it was like a lightening bolt! it is about actively listening to kids, but much of what i read was about relating to other ppl with respect! it was my very surface level human relations training from college, but meaningful. i suggested my husband read it too, since a lot of our disagreements were about childrearing and OMG we actually started to get along better ourselves. it didnt take much in the way of mutual understanding and listening to see we could live with our difficulties, even if we werent too crazy about eachother at times.
two kids and about 6 yrs later, we were wildly in love again.....i read an article at that time about how too many couples throw in the towel during the difficult periods in their marriage, without realizing its very COMMON to fall in and out of love with your spouse over the course of a marriage. i guess our parents were all too busy divorcing to show us that.
sometimes differences arent reconcilable because there is addiction or abuse involved. i think these are good reasons to leave a marriage because its not a safe place. ending a marriage is an even bigger decision than entering it and should be done only after all other avenues are exhausted. it seems plenty of ppl divorce and then enter new relationships only to find things even more complicated with the addition of step children and the baggae of previous falied marriages.
i hope relating my experience helps you. i remember the feeling of being trapped by my obligations as i took on more responsibility moving thru adulthood.
Theresa

[Kahlan]

Thanks for the ideas. I really want to do everything in my power to save thing...I think. And hopfully if I give us more time and a little more understanding can come out okay. There are other issues too, like other people in our lives which we both have feelings for, however have never acted on.....

Marrage is a lot harder than I though it would ever be. :(

[Temair]

Thanks for the ideas. I really want to do everything in my power to save thing...I think. And hopfully if I give us more time and a little more understanding can come out okay. There are other issues too, like other people in our lives which we both have feelings for, however have never acted on.....

Marrage is a lot harder than I though it would ever be. :(
It most certainly is. I went through the same thing when my oldest was about a year. One day I was sitting on the couch crying and I told her father that I didn't love him anymore, he said, "Oh well, that happens," and walked away. Another time I told him I wanted to go to marriage counseling, and he refused. After I became so unhappy that I wished he would get in a car accident and die on the way home from work one night, I decided it was best to leave him. Divorce at 21 is a miserable thing, let me tell you. I am remarried, and there are still times that I feel I could leave him and never look back, but then I talk to him about it and we fix things between us. So I guess my advice from having been there is to talk to him about how you feel. If he listens to what you have to say (unlike my first husband), then you can work things out. If he doesn't care how you feel and doesn't care about the relationship, then call it quits because it takes both to make a relationship work. Giving it some time and effort is always worth it, though.

Another thing to ask yourself is if it is really your marriage that is making you unhappy, or is it something else that just manifests through yuor marriage? For example, are you unhappy because he is a mean jerk, or are you seeing him as a mean jerk because you are unhappy about something else? Sometimes asking a mutual friend will help you gain perspective.

I hope you can work things out and be happy again. My first marriage lasted 1 year, 9 months. My second has lasted 6.5 years so far and is pretty strong, despite the rough spots. Good luck.

[greenview]

Ok you say your not happy. But the bigger question is, do you even know what will make you happy. How did this man you use to love all the sudden turn into such a pain? Relationships are hard on the whole but when you add kids they are so much harder than people realize. No one expects you to have all the answers or for everything to be earth shattering love everyday. I agree that counseling would be a very smart thing to do. Start out simple if you don't know what to do try counseling for yourself. See what it is you really want and how that can happen. Communication is the key to marriage.

[Kahlan]

You guys are so wonderful!!!!!!

Tonight after the kiddo went to bed I began writting a list of the things I like about my husband and the things I dont like, as well as the things I like about my life and the things I dont like. I am trying to get things into a better perspective and see what I want.

I have however decided to do something for myself ,a rare thing, and go forward and try to do something I have always wanted to do. Become a tattoo artist, not everyones dream I guess.

I thank you all for your support. I guess once I figure things out I will let you all know. You have all always been there for me in my best and worst time. Thank you all!!!

Bright Blessings Always!

[Mau]

Find something for you. I am 22, married with THREE sons. There are times (very often) I would rather kick my husband in the teeth than listen to anything he has to say. I decided I need to do for me. I put my whole life on hold to be wifey and mommy..my oldest son starts kindergarten next fall..I've been here for everyone for almost 5 years now. Next march I'm starting school, to be an RN. Doing something that will make me happy, and hopefully take away the bitterness.
Take a break, go for a walk on your own a couple times a week, through the woods if you can..or just do something YOU want to do for YOU. It may help more than you think.

[LadyCanine]

I havent read all the posts, so if i repeat something, forgive me :)

Anyways, I am 23, and I have two children, a 7yr old daughter and a 3yr old son. I got divorced from their father last Feb.

I thought it was what I wanted, in some ways I truely believe that this WAS a good thing for us, but I think neither of us (me or him) realized what we had until we lost it.

Ours is a long history, we got married right after highschool, i was 18, it was more my families doing (it was the 'right' thing to do)

Stress is a BIG factor. Stress in marriage is normal, but if you let it consume you and let it build up, all that will happen is a big blow up at the end. Which is what happened to me and J I think.

Add a baby to it and it can double the stress (i love my kids, but i need to run away from them sometimes :P)

Leaving J caused me to stand on my own feet, be dependent of myself and live for myself too. And its made me realize how much I do miss him, and also how much things REALLY need to change if we are to get back together. Personaly, if we dont make these changed, I dont see it happening for us.

Follow your heart AND your mind. (yes, it can be done) Sit and think about your feelings, not just on your marriage, but about your life and life in general. I think it all plays a part together so it should all be looked at. Think about if you want to try and change things, if he wants to, why does he annoy you, why is there so much stress, what is it, can some of the stress be taken away by changing something. Do you have activities that you get to do by yourself? Do you have alone time? Do you two get to have time alone by yourselves? What about family time? (you he and the baby) If/when you do/might do these things are they/will they be in stress free enviroments? Would talking to someone help? Would maybe just having a seperation help?

Some questions I think that one should ask.

It could also be that you have fallen out of love w/ him, in which case, you should ask yourself, Do you want to try and fall BACK in love w/ him, or do you think you'd be happier w/ someone else, or by yourself?

You can better help your baby by helping yourselves. Staying together just for the baby isnt a good idea IMO, it continues the stress and reflects on the baby and I also think that it shows the wrong aspect of marriage, even though that is not the intent.

Yes marriage has its hard time and its up times, but if the parents are completly miserable and it contiunes to build, it only makes things worse, for everyone in the family.

Also try not to do things in a haste or when your under alot of pressure or heated/mad/etc. It might be regreted later.

Good luck!

[Valkie]

Lots of good advice here.

I just wanted to add that communication brakedown is normal after the first baby. It just feels like your lives are going their own seperate ways with you taking care of the majority of the baby's needs and him working. It is important to try to make sure that it doesn't get to the point where it isn't repairable.

And you are young still... time to yourself is just as important as time with your family. I'm 27 with 3 boys. My family knows that Saturday night is my night out. Honestly, I start to go crazy if I can't get away from them for a little while. :D

[Raven Reed]

My only suggestion is if you leave, do it BEFORE you get pregnant again. I ended up with two sons twenty months apart and an ex who provides no child support.

I knew pretty early in the marriage that I wanted out, but by then had a son to think about, and then two... He wouldn't go to counceling, yada-yada.

Buy the time I left, I had a three and two year old to support and no way to do it. IT SUCKED! Still sucks, eleven years later. But I have two beautiful teenagers out of it. No, really, they're great! He's the one missing out.

So, I guess if your guy is willing to try to work with you, you might give him big bonus points for that, if not, start thinking other options. Just my bitter $00.02