View Full Version : what do you do?

September 30th, 2004, 12:37 PM
.... when something has to be done to make YOUR life better, but if you do it.... it will devastate your children??:hairraise

September 30th, 2004, 12:40 PM
Will it *really* devastate them? As in, change their lives for the worse? Emotionally undermine their wellbeing? Or will it just upset them for a time, and when it's done, they'll be in the same state as before, or a better one?

September 30th, 2004, 12:48 PM
probably like... severly emotionally damage the oldest, and just temporarily disturb the younger ones. knowing me..... i won't do anything until it absolutely has to be done, which will make it much harder when the time comes.

September 30th, 2004, 12:49 PM
What would happen to *you* if you *don't* do it?

September 30th, 2004, 12:50 PM
i'll be miserable. lmao... but it happens i guess. it won't kill me or anything, so i guess i'll just let it go as it is. *shrug*

September 30th, 2004, 12:54 PM
You'll be miserable? And what effect (both short and long term) will *that* have on your children?

You have to do what is best and right for YOU! Because our kids know and feel our emotions and it effects them as well.

So you have to look at both short and long term effects for you and your children. If your misery is only short-term but your children's "devistation" would last years....then, I think you know the answer.

September 30th, 2004, 12:55 PM
yeah... well, it's getting rid of their father. i'm not gonna put them thru that... again.

September 30th, 2004, 12:57 PM
Getting rid of him by kicking him out, or getting rid of him by moving the kids 1,000's of miles away with no hopes of seeing him again?

I only ask, because there is a difference....sort of. Because if he's a true Dad, then no amount of miles would keep him from being a part of his' kids lives....which is something you have no control over.

September 30th, 2004, 12:58 PM
Hmmm. I'm not sure how miserable i'd have to be before I'd inflict "severe emotional damage" on a child. :(

Sounds like a hard decision, Leo. Maybe you should talk to the peer councellors, tell them what the situation is, and get some objective opinions on whether the situation is likely to cause the kind of upset you think it will.

Edited...oh, the above doesn't really apply now that I know further.

September 30th, 2004, 01:01 PM
well.. i just can't stand him, for no reason really. but i don't think i'll leave.

September 30th, 2004, 01:18 PM
Hmm. How long have you not been able to stand him for?

It sounds to me like family councelling would be the best idea for you. If you decide to stay together for the children's sake, you'll need to find strategies for interacting with your husband that don't cause unneccesary angst for the kids. Kids are very sensitive - they pick up on vibes. You don't want to teach them that a normal adult-adult relationship consists of hatred, or you'll be setting them up for equally miserable relationships in their futures. Sometimes splitting up is actually the better solution.

September 30th, 2004, 02:27 PM
Sometimes splitting up is actually the better solution.
Wish my mother had at times...
Rather than worry what it would do to us.
We all would have been much happier, well except for maybe daddy.

What will it do to, or for them?

Learning it's ok to stay in a bad relationship, sacrifice their own happieness, and let all the little one's suffer the life as well?

I'm only speaking as a 'it coulda been better' sense from having lived thru it...

September 30th, 2004, 05:31 PM
Sometimes splitting up is actually the better solution.

Definitely. My parents tried everything - counselling, the whole lot. Sometimes, it's just not meant to be, and in their case it wasn't.

Whatever happens, do what makes you happy...in the long term. There is a difference between making yourself happy and being selfish...If you're happy, then you're kids most likely will be; and possibly everyone else. If you're not happy, then most times that doesn't help anyone. Yes, splits are very painful. But in the long run, they can be quite positive for everyone involved.

If you're kids are old enough to be that affected by whatever action you decide on...then would they be old enough for you to talk to them so that they can understand why you have to do it? It might be traumatic, but if you have to do it, then you have to...

Forcing yourself into a situation that will make you unhappy...is there a risk that you'll end up resenting your own kids for it, because if you're only doing it for them, it could be a problem in the future? I only ask, because that's what happened with my mum. So obviously I speak from a fairly biased point of view.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for the best in the long run. :hugz: