Help with 6 y/o

[emmunite]

I hope this doesn't get too long. Chris is one of the most loving, empathetic, giving children I know. But, there are some social developmental interaction issues. He was in special education pre school for developmental delays in speech and fine motor skills. He exceled there, when he "graduated" he was best supportive friend. My fear was realized when he mainstreamed. Bigger class size, kids different than what he was use to. Issues started in bus line always wanting to be first. Reports that the first thing is with everything. If he doesn't get to be first...or doesn't get what he wants there's fits, stomping feet, calling names. All normal behaviour I hear people saying. I wish it were that simple. Chris is now in first grade and these issues are escalating. It got so bad at the bus stop that a 4th grader took it upon herself to teach him a lesson and hid his backpack so he didn't have it that day at school (and yes the child, child's mom and I had a talk about that one). He's regressing into behaviours that were exhibited prior to special ed...hitting his head against concrete walls if he doesn't get his way, encopresis is returning, he was sent to principals office today for pushing in bus line. Chris has one older brother (by 15 mos) who is in 2nd grade. Spent 1/2 hour on phone with Chris' teacher today regarding above issues. Thankfully she's understanding that this isn't deliberate, that there's an organic cause. He's got an appointment with a child psychatrist on the 25th for eval. Could be ADHD (the child is constant motion but then again what child isn't)...could be aspbergers syndrome...I don't know. All I know is that this is beyond normal behaviour issues. I don't want to medicate him unless it's absolutely necessary...and only if there are behaviour modification plans set into place as well. Ritilan is not a cure all. He's impervious to normal modification stratigies....loss of privliges, toys, time outs etc. The teacher and I are going to try a good behaviour sticker chart (little dollar store trinkets for prizes) for bus line, class room, on bus behaviour (bus driver states he's very disruptive on bus). I feel so helpless in not being able to snap my fingers and fix this. I don't want him to become a social pariah due to issues that he has no control over. Montessori school would be great....only catch is the $12,000/year tuition. Anyone else experience similar issues? It's to the point where I give him a dixie cup of water with Bach's rescue remedy in the morning before he goes to school. He know's that these behaviours are improper...he can verbalize that very well. It's like there's a gap from knowing it's wrong and being able to not do it. He wants to but can't. I'm frustrated but above all I'm scared. What is causing this? Can it be modified? Will we be able to figure out where this is coming from and what exactly we're dealing with. I wish there was some sort of lab test we could do...ahhh yes...his xyz is elevated so therefore we're dealing with____. Thanks for letting me vent a bit...I'm honestly about to go nuts.

[narleymarley03]

You and your family are in my thoughts. I hope you find the answers you need.

[Ceres]

you can do montessori homeschool for much less - if u are at home anyway. maybe he just isnt ready for school? there is no hard and fast rule about when kids ARE ready - in fact, piaget, a renowned psychologist, whose work is studied by most teachers and day care workers in their training, said that children should not be learning any abstract concepts (math and reading) before the age of seven.
i am not big on instutionalizing children in school. i dont thinkt hey are very healthy environements for kids. this essay is a big part of why: www.cantrip.org/gatto.html

[fahawk]

Hi..so hard to know...
my nephew who is now 11..has had many of these issues..being first always on the bus before his sister.. ( some is just typical "kid" behavior) and some isnt.
He may be fine for periods of time at school, then just yest had a horrible day, throwing a chair and cursing at the teacher. His mom talked to him on the phone, as they called her from school.. and told me she really didnt get any "good" answer from him about "why".
He has been diagnosed with ADD..and has meds. But, I agree, it seems that he just doesnt do well in the "school" setting..too many things, too much..and he gets overloaded to the point he reacts.
When he comes here to visit, he plays quietly with my son..and sometimes I wont even know he is here, but I think it is the "quiet" and that my son is quiet.
As I have noticed after several hours ( mostly when he was abit younger- not so much now) he would reach his limit, and things would start to go downhill.
My sister, and all of us ( family) notice not eating on time getting a snack..getting over stimulated, needing a "rest" time..all contribute.
I wish I could be more help.. maybe between your dr..teacher, and you, discussing all of the issues..can help find a way to help your son.

[GaiaDea]

Try caffeine. It has a focussing and calming effect on children before puberty, and may very well help. Try a half a cup of coffe, well sugared, with a half cup of milk before school for two days and see if it helps. That little bit of caffeine will not hurt him, and may help him stay calmer and in better control of his impulses. I am sure he does not like being in trouble, or being different than other kids around him, but may be so overly upset about it that it comes out as willfulness and a desire to be disruptive. He obviously wants to be "first", i.e. a successful person, and wants positive reinforcement. Unfortunately, the methods he is using don't work very well for that purpose. Keep using the current punishments, but find ways to give him successes so he can be praised too, as this will make more of an impression if it comes as part of a reward/consequence system. Try to find even simple things you can praise him for, like putting a glass in the sink when asked, or getting dressed on time. A lot of this may also be control issues, he may feel that he just doesn't have any control at all over what happens to him in his life. Let him pick his own clothes for school, as long as he is dressed according to the school's dress code, and is on time. Who cares if his socks match, as long as they are clean? Little things like that , or letting him pick between two side dishes for dinner will help him feel more control over what happens to him on a daily basis, and helps to lay groundwork for future responsibility. Also having a pretty set routine, and lots of warning if the routine changes can help--some kids just don't deal with changes as well as others, and take a longer time to get adjusted.

I do agree that agressive behavior should not be encouraged or rewarded, and that the sooner it can be effectively addressed the better. I also understand the huge amounts of frustration you are going through, feeling like a failure as a parent, wondering if somehow you did something to cause all this. Trust me, if you can find a system that works, he will be able to move out of this phase. And it will take time and persistance to find what works. When you try some new method, give it at least two weeks to see if it helps, and do let the teachers know what you are trying so there can be a coordination of effort between home and school for consistency. Yes, it can be a lot of work, to be on top of everything all the time, but it does pay off, and it does get better. You may consider placing him in special ed again, as the smaller classroom may be what he needs.

Good luck, and blessings to you both.

[emmunite]

Try caffeine. It has a focussing and calming effect on children before puberty, and may very well help.

Ironically, that's one of the ways I found out I was ADHD...I average a 12 pack of diet coke a day...and I don't get a caffine buzz. I may try the coffee bit with him...we've got a 5 day weekend :|. I do let him control most of his envoirnment...clothes etc...mayhap that's the issue I give him too much control?? A point to ponder.

I know that we're going to find a way to make it all work. It takes time. And I refuse to let this issue go unadressed. We made such strides to catch him up and I will not let it happen. This just happened to come up again on top of an all ready overloaded mom.

Thanks everyone...it helps to have other perspectives and ideas along with the blessings and energy.

[GaiaDea]

Ironically, that's one of the ways I found out I was ADHD...I average a 12 pack of diet coke a day...and I don't get a caffine buzz.


Yes, I know. My DD has ADD, and we use caffeine rather than prescribed medication to control it, as clinical depression runs in the family. ADD and ADHD are conditions that can be passed on in families, so if you are ADD, it may be that he is also. Unfortunately, where we live there is no distinction made between the two by the school system, so DD has been labeled ADHD even though she shows no signs of hyperactivity. Ah, well, there's the gov't for you!

DD's worst years were between 5 and 8, as after that the methods we used with her began to show much greater effects, and she found a desire to be socially acceptable to both grownups and her peers. (sigh of relief!) Until that point I wanted to twist her head off several times a day, and felt like a total failure as a parent. We were both miserable over her lack of impulse control, as well as her forgetfulness. Thankfully, both have improved, and although she still gets whiny and argumentative, it is no more (and often less) than the same behavior that other kids her age exhibit. I am quite sure we will go through all this again when she gets in her teens, but this is a nice breather!

Honestly, if you work like crazy now to get the right stuff in his head, it will pay off soon in both behavior and emotional state for both of you. It does get better, it just takes a while, and a lot of hard and persistent work. I ended up getting all over DD's slightest mistakes right when they happened for three years, regardless of where we were or who was watching, and now I can trust her out of my sight for hours to be respectful and polite.

You aren't a failure, or a bad parent, because if you were, you would not be concerned about his behavior--either now or for in the future. You are doing the right things, and it does get better. Thank you for being a caring and responsible parent in this age of absentee/TV parenting, and blaming the schoolsystem for not raising our children. Responsibility has to be taught by example, and you are doing a fine job!

Blessings!

[Valkie]

Yes, I know. My DD has ADD, and we use caffeine rather than prescribed medication to control it, as clinical depression runs in the family. ADD and ADHD are conditions that can be passed on in families, so if you are ADD, it may be that he is also. Unfortunately, where we live there is no distinction made between the two by the school system, so DD has been labeled ADHD even though she shows no signs of hyperactivity. Ah, well, there's the gov't for you!

DD's worst years were between 5 and 8, as after that the methods we used with her began to show much greater effects, and she found a desire to be socially acceptable to both grownups and her peers. (sigh of relief!) Until that point I wanted to twist her head off several times a day, and felt like a total failure as a parent. We were both miserable over her lack of impulse control, as well as her forgetfulness. Thankfully, both have improved, and although she still gets whiny and argumentative, it is no more (and often less) than the same behavior that other kids her age exhibit. I am quite sure we will go through all this again when she gets in her teens, but this is a nice breather!

Honestly, if you work like crazy now to get the right stuff in his head, it will pay off soon in both behavior and emotional state for both of you. It does get better, it just takes a while, and a lot of hard and persistent work. I ended up getting all over DD's slightest mistakes right when they happened for three years, regardless of where we were or who was watching, and now I can trust her out of my sight for hours to be respectful and polite.

You aren't a failure, or a bad parent, because if you were, you would not be concerned about his behavior--either now or for in the future. You are doing the right things, and it does get better. Thank you for being a caring and responsible parent in this age of absentee/TV parenting, and blaming the schoolsystem for not raising our children. Responsibility has to be taught by example, and you are doing a fine job!

Blessings!

I soooo know where you're coming from with this one! Both of my older boys have ADD... and it was a constant battle with the school system to get them the help that they needed from the teachers.

Coffee does work. My two were on Adderdal and the doses to control their behavior was so high that they weren't eating or sleeping. Off the meds and on coffee and flax seed oil. We've been doing that for about a year now, first progress report came in the other day and they've both got As and Bs.

On a side note, I could be that the transition into mainstream classes is a bit hard for him and it's causing him to revert to his privious behavior. Lots of positive reinforcment is a must.... my 2nd is very emotional about things, and I know with him negitive reactions to things just make the situation worse. Try working with him with anger managment techniques. Stopping and counting to 10. role play senarios about how he makes others feel with the things that he says and does.

best of luck.

[Seren_]

Has your son been tested for autism? The way he acts out sounds similar to an autistic kid I know.

[emmunite]

Has your son been tested for autism? The way he acts out sounds similar to an autistic kid I know.

We see the psychatrist on the 25th...the more research I do I'm leaning more towards the Aspergers Syndrome (high functioning autism). ADHD/ADD can mimic the symptoms of aspergers. So we're just plugging away and trying different methods until we have a definitive diagnosis.

[Starry Di]

My personal belief is that once you're in special ed, you can't really go back to "normal" school. I'm basing this on viewing a couple of people from our special ed school, who went back to "normal" school. They usually come back, because they just can't fit in, or the courses are too hard for them, or something, but yes. They do come back.

Stick with special ed anyways. It's better, IMHO.