Are you or someone you know adopted??

[LadyTrinity]

My friend is adopted. She had 100% support from her adoptive mom to search for her real mom for medical records and such. I dont think she intends on having any sort of relationship with her. Her adoptive mom now has memory loss and my friend feels like she is runing memories with her adoptive mom by filling out the search papers. I really think she should try the search. It might turn out the be one of the best things she has done. Expecially because of her families health. How can I convince her that it is ok?

[nomadicdragon]

I'm adopted. My two brothers were also adopted. *shrugs* Unfortunately, that little bit of guilt is going to be there. It's part of it when you have to sets of parents. She just has to remember that even though she searches for her biological family, it doesn't change or take the place of the family she has known all her life. Same concept of friends, one friend does not replace another... you love all your friends with varying levels..

[misschief]

my brother is adopted. if she doesn't want to look i don't think anyone should make her. *shrug*

[LadyTrinity]

she does want to look. she is the one that requested papers. but she is feeling guilty now. :wth:

[MorningDove030202]

My friend Dave is adopted, but when he wanted to find his birth parents, his adopted parents freaked out so he didn't go threw with it.

Dove

[Atheleisia]

I'm a birth mom. In a nutshell, I got raped when I was 15, had the baby and placed him for adoption. His adoptive parents and I have an open adoption arrangement -- for the last 12 years, we've seen each other almost monthly; although I haven't been able to be a "real" mom to him, I've still been able to love him and watch him grow up.

On one hand, I think that if your friend wants to find her birth mother, she should go for it. Most likely, her birth mom still loves her very much and wonders about her all the time; probably, her birth mom gave her up because she loves her.

However, I do understand why she would feel guilty, too. Her adoptive mother didn't give birth to her, she is your friend's real mother and there's no reason she shouldn't feel a deep loyalty to her birth family -- they were the ones who were with her all of her life. If she isn't comfortable with finding her birth family, I don't think it would hurt to do some soul-searching and set aside finding her birth mother for a little while. If she finds it, even if it's a good thing, it could still be a huge change that shouldn't be entered into lightly.

She should bear in mind that even if she wants to look for her birth parents, and develops a relationship with them, she is not betraying her adoptive family. Her birth mom will never be able to replace or usurp her adoptive family and the memories and bonds they built together.

[Tangerines]

I don't know if it constitutes legal adoption (I was told at one point and forgot), but my younger brother and I had legal guardianship over us given to our grandmother. Our parents had been divorced years prior, and our mother was found to be an unfit parent--and believe me, that's putting it lightly. I consider myself parentless, to be honest.

[misschief]

she does want to look. she is the one that requested papers. but she is feeling guilty now. :wth: well, i'm the sister of someone who did go and find their biological family. it didn't bother me or my parents until they showed him exactly why they lost him in the first place. the thing to worry about isn't having to feel guilty, it's what to do if they haven't changed and they let you down.

[Calen]

One of my best friends is adopted. She has written letters to her birthmom, but I don't think they have ever met. I'm not sure if she has any plans to go looking for her, but she knows why she was given up, and seems okay with it.
If your friend wants to know about her birth family for medical records, she should do it. If she wants to have a relationship with her birth mom, she should do that *when she is ready*. Like someone above said, it's a huge transition good or bad, and I don't think anyone should go looking for that until they have dealt with any guilt they might have.

[HorseCrow]

My younger brother is adopted- we got him when he was 3 months old. He is an orphan, found near a river, where he was placed so that the women who came to collect water in the morning, would be sure to find him.
Since he is an orphan and no one knows who his birth parents are, he will never be able to search for them...
I think most, if not all, adopted children will at some point, when they get older, want to know something about where they came from and what their birth parents look like. Whether or not they choose to persue the search, should be intirely up to them selves. So don't push your friend- let her reach her decision herself. If she is forced she might do something she regrets- one way or the other. It needs to be HER choice, not an obligation. Support her, whatever her choice is, let her know you are there for her.

Best of luck.

[Flaire]

A kid I teach is adopted. I don't know if he knows his real parents or not, but it's really difficult on him, knowing that he's adopted. He has terrible self-esteem issues and I, for one, haven't the slightest knowledge of how to turn that around with an 8 year old. :ugh:

[Cev'aq]

I was adopted at birth, and I have no particular desire to seek out my biological mother. I'm a bit curious about my biological father, as my birth certificate lists "Unknown." However, I feel more of a connection with the land of my birth rather than the people.

[Vimilanda]

My husband is adopted. He's always told me that he doesn't want to find his birth parents but when his parents were both deceased he started searching. He has all kinds of mixed feelings about the two who concieved him. He still tells me he's not interested in meeting them but I think he want's to know the "whys".

[RogueSpirit]

I once lived with someone who was adopted. He wouldn't search for his birth mother because it would have hurt his adoptive mother too much. He is waiting until she dies to look. I also have an aunt, my father's biological half-sister, that was given up for adoption. She grew up knowing she was adopted but waited until her mother died to look for her parents. My paternal grandfather and the woman he had my aunt with both died before her adopted mother did. So when Deb began looking for her family, she didn't have living biological parents, just five half-brothers and one half-sister. She waited because she also didn't want to hurt her mother... but because she waited she missed out on knowing her parents and one of her brothers. I think it's just as natural for adoptive children to want to know who their parents were and why they were given up for adoption as it is for them to feel guilty about wanting to find their parents and adoptive parents to feel jealousy about it.

[Starbaby]

My twin and I were adopted at birth. She wasn't so interested in finding our biological parents, but I was, and started searching a couple of years ago. I waited so long because I knew that it would have hurt my adoptive mother greatly. I did find them, and found out that there was another sister, who is 3 years older than us, that was adopted also.
Our records were sealed, but I looked online for search groups. I also had a feeling of guilt and to this day, my adopted Dad does not know that I have found them. He has had several strokes and there is no need to upset him.
Our Mother, in those days was a single woman with 4 children to raise. My sister and I make # 8 and 9. The courts told her that she had to give our other sister and us away or they would take the rest of the kids. I never got to meet her, she died before I found them, but I do have a relationship with my oldest sister and 2 brothers, I have yet to meet the other 2. My twin , on the other hand, is like your friend and felt guilty about it, and had mixed emotions. She has met the family, but has nothing to do with them, and they understand that. So do I.
If it is because she is feeling guilty, support her, she will eventually want to start the search again.
And if you need any help, just let me know, after years of searching myself, I learned alot!
Good luck!

[Ceres]

my husband is adopted and didnt want to search for his birth mother until after we had kids...then he started wondering. there are a alot of issues around searching for and meeting birth parents. the adoptee can feel they are at risk of rejection, or they might find out soemthing awful about their birth parents. the birth parents may never have told their families of spouses they had a child and they too, can feel they risk rejection.
its best to let the adoptee decide for herself IMO, because reunions are often not as anticipated and the emotional fallout can be difficult if the ppl involved werent ready.