Are you a single/sep/divorced mother?

[BluDreamer]

Hi,

I have a 4 yr old daughter who had a mama and papa, both, in most of her short little life... and a 1 1/2 yr old son who hasn't. I've been seperated for about 8 months... I think?Well, since Febuary. I've supported my kids basically on my own for this long now... I had left my husband because he was being abusive. It got to the point where he grabbed my neck and choked me untill I lost concouisness.

I got an order of protection and sole custody of my kids. I dropped the order so he could visit his kids- one day a week. This week he decided not to come to see them, or spend any time with them. What a jerk. All this time he was begging for another chance, too. I'd rather die than to go back to the way things were, and I know things wouldn't even be any better now. I've lost all feelings of love for him.

The only thing I feel is compassion, I feel sorry for him because he lost everything... his job and his appartment... he has to sleep in his car. But these are things he has brought on himself and I have no need to feel sorry for him. I will try to take it day by day, although my heart spills sorrow for my kids, I will be srtong for them and I encourage any others in the same situation to do so.

Don't go back- let your heart and spirit be free- and that will be a true inspiration for your children.

Thanks.

ps- please post your thoughts and experience on this subject, I'd love to read your response and would very much like us to support eachother- because we need friendship to get us through these hard times, which shall soon pass.

[misschief]

um, i'm a stepmom, a mom, and a former single mom of an abusive relationship. it boils down to this... he was a psycho, i took the appropriate legal actions to make it so he can never see any of us again... after a few years of just me and my kids, i got married and got step kids. *shrug* it sucks, but it ends eventually.

[RogueSpirit]

I have been separated for three years and have a daughter. He hasn't really been a part of her life at all. I think in total we've lived together as a family a total of a year... and that would be cumulative. It may actually be even less than that. He was psychologically and sexually abusive, so I left. We actually get along ok as long as we don't live together. He has a really different opinion of what marriage means than I do, and radically different definitions and role ideas for husband and wife. He lives in another state and because of his job is often out of the country so we rarely see him... and hear from him not much more than that. I have to call to remind him to send presents or money for presents for birthdays and Christmas.

I'm not planning to remarry (not that I could as long as I'm married to him). I just don't think I was cut out to be married and I'm ok with that. I recently started dating again. Nothing serious, just seeing a couple of people I've known forever. My daughter seems to be ok with only having a mom and there are a lot of positive male role models in her life and I think that's enough for now. She's happy and well adjusted, she knows she's loved. And I've done what I can to make her understand that nothing between me and her dad was her fault, we both love her, and I never say anything bad about him in front of her... or even when she's around ( I can't say I never say anything bad about him, but it's not something I do often).

It takes a lot of strength to do all of this alone... but it would have taken more than I have to do it with him and still alone. I'm a better person for all I've been through. Got lots of character, now.

[~BEBZ~]

I was the product of a single divorced mother. My father is an alcoholic and used to beat the crap out of my mom. For the longest time I blamed her because I didn't have my father. Then when I was 15 and seeing him again I realized he was a piece of crap. It will be hard, and they might blame you for a while, but you made the right decision. Just don't lie to them. Age apropriately tell them why you aren't with him anymore, if they don't already know. But emphasize that your relationship with him has no connection to theirs. Don't poison them against him, but don't lie either.

[soilsigh aingeal]

I have two kids and it's only been four months since it all ended with my ex. He was abusive toward me. I got the order of protection, temporary custody of the kids, etc. He saw the kids 1-2 times a week until about 2-3 weeks ago. Before this, I had gone and filed for full custody and child support. Had my mom send it out for me so that he'd have to sign when he recieved it. He never got it from the mail man and he didn't go to the post office to get it (they leave notice) and I got it back yesterday. I can't believe he did that. :rolleyes: Ok, maybe I can but jeez.

[Flar's Freyja]

I've got posts all over this board about my experiences. I left 13 times before I stayed gone for good. Actually, that last time I got tired of being the one to leave and threw HIM out. It made all the difference, since it was very empowering.

I found out about money available to go to college through the women in my battered women's support group. I got all the way to a Master's degree despite being in horrendous physical pain, some of which may have been caused by his abuse.

Although I never achieved my dream the way I saw it, my kids have learned a lot. My oldest and youngest are doing great and the middle one is, well, the middle one. I have no doubt that he'll be okay when he 'grows up' a bit.

Financially, I have had health complications but my career is still moving toward what I would like it to be. I have been able to work independently for a few years and finally got an 'easy' job where the pay fits my degree. It's been a long time coming, but the journey has been just what it was supposed to be.

The experience that stands out the most in my mind was when the youngest's crazy girlfriend called me to complain that he'd thrown her out of his car. I was all set to be mad at him - until he walked in with a red handprint from her slaps across his face. Instead of hitting her back, he opened the door and put her out.

It was hard, it was lonely, but it was worth it.

[StephanieAine]

I left my husband due to abuse issues when my daughter was 6. She's 19 now, and I'm so happy that we are both finally safe - and that *you* are safe, too!

I used to wonder if we could make it; sometimes I felt like each day was torture, even after I left. The fear was horrible. I got cancer a couple of years after I left - long story, but my healing was a miracle, since my cancer was so advanced - but my actual point here is that I think it's not a surprise I got cancer like I did. I often say that with as much emotional stuff that I was 'stuffing' (just swallowing and not expressing, and not dealing with properly when I was married) - it's as if the abuse and mistreatment eventually began to eat away at me from the inside, even if things looked okay on the outside. Abuse festers and invades; that's just the way it is. And that's why you have to face it, even if you're afraid of how you'll manage on your own with a child.

Life DOES go on after abuse... and even if the abuser has said that you'll never make it, or that nobody will care about you, or that you're worthless... ignore it, because it's just another method of control. And they're all lies. You WILL make it... you WILL be cared about... and you are worth *everything good in life*!

*Stay gone* if you leave an abuser (this is to you lurkers who may be going through it)... don't return to him, no matter what promises are made. Don't fall for the old "your children need their father; you have to try to work things out" line of thinking. It's not true - because an abusive father, whether he's abusive to you or the kids or *both - is a *danger* to a child, and to their development.

Start a new chapter! Turn the page and go on!

With love and blessings,

[Fairyelf]

I have 3 kids..
my first 2 kids are from a relationship I was in for almost 8 yrs..
it was a bad and hard relationship. yea he was abusive as well...and a cheater...a bad father and boyfriend (thank goddess we were never married!)
now I am with a wonderful guy...weve been together for almost 2 1/2 years and have a lil girl together(my 3rd)

[Fairyelf]

I wanna give all the women in this thread a really big group hug!
:huddle:

[willow_pheonix]

first of all well done ((((hugs))) for getting out of that situation, i am a single mum of one 9 year old boy, we don't have anything to do with his dad whatsoever, we went through mental abuse with him not physical bot both are as bad as each other, i woke up one day when my son was almost 5 and thought , i am better than this, i deserve better, although i never loved him it was still a hard thing to do and yea i cried, i cried at the fact i was a single mum exactly waht i didn't want to be, but now i am doing everything i want to do, and have a wonderful new partner although we are living apart, he is a much better father than the biological one had ever been, lets hope that we can inspire others to leave if they desire too, it's tough yes, but so rewarding
((((((((((((((((((hugs for all))))))))))))))))

[BluDreamer]

Thank you all for these beautiful responses. I agree with each and everyone. Times are hard for me, now also... I'm in danger of losing my job because of tardiness, my bank ripped me off 150$ so I only was able to pay 1/2 of rent... I need to badly pay my electric and gas... not to mention my phone bill... my 1 1/2 son is sick, I have to drive them a half an hour to the sitter's and my car doesn't have heat... it dies on me constantly. If I'm late to work one more time... I'll have to look for another one. I work 3rd shift... and with my kiddies... I never can get any sleep. I'm so exhusted... emotionally... physically... and I just realized my ability is called empathy- where I constantly sense other peoples emotions... along with alot of other "crazy" things going on with me... I feel like I'm losing it. Plus I can feel my deep depression sinking back in.

Sometimes I wonder how good of a mother can I be? I keep going... that's all I can do. They are my reason for life. Sometimes I think that I'm not good enough. But I know they are still better off with me than with their father. He's become very obbessive. Saying he will never "Let go..." and constantly threatens me. Plus I think I may have a "stalker" from work.

There was this obbsessive guy at work, that wouldn't take "no" for an answer... and only because I said "Hi" one day. He's not there anymore... but I've been getting strange calls since a few days ago. The only way someone could get my new # is from the address book on the computers at work. I went back in to delete it... but I am still getting these calls. I get worried about that, too. Very scary.

Thank you all for your support.

Blu