Another update

[RubyRose]

Okay, anyone getting sick of me yet? :lol: Yeah I bet you are.

Anyway, so my mother is yet to make any real progress. Actually my dad thinks she may be getting worse instead of better. Yeah, makes me feel really good, knowing that.
I'm just so over it all you know? It's weird, but when it comes to my mother, I can't say that I have any feelings for her at all, right now. It's like a void. Actually, sometimes, I have to remind myself that she's still here, living and breathing. I know its cruel to say all this. But life, the house, the three of us (my sister, dad and I) fuction so much better, without her. Well, okay, maybe not better, but around the house at least. Now I'm not saying my sister and I slack off or anything, cause we don't. But things are more relaxed. I'm no longer constantly on edge. But at the same time, I can't deal with seeing her in the hosptial, not because I don't like being there (so okay its not fun being confined to a room and locked in) but because I no longer have anything to talk to her about. The communication link, has been severed. Actually I try to limit what I say. Because so many things set her off. It's not like before, when my sister and I were younger, where we could talk to her about stuff, while we visited her in hospital (on other stays at clinics) And I find myself wanting to escape about half an hour after I've entered.
To top it off, Rhyce, just doesn't understand. Actually now he has a new job, with only 2 days off, and has to not only fit my schedule, but his also, in to when we can see eachother, he's finding it rather contricting, and is frustrated. It sucks being on the receiving end of that. I'm still trying to figure out, between having tafe (tuesday thru thursday), work (friday afternoon, sunday & now possibly saturday), keeping the house tidy & fitting in homework, when I'm supposed to find time out just for me; let alone fitting in a boyfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I love him to bits. But is the world going to end if a week goes by and he hasn't seen me face to face, and we've only spoken over the phone? I'm sorry, but I don't see, that it is. And who knows, maybe I my perceptions are a little skewed. But for the first time, I'm glad Rhyce has a full time job, because on the one day, that I do have to myself (monday) I don't have to worry about Rhyce, ringing me up, wanting to see me, or spend time with me. It's stupid I know, in retrospect, but I value the time I have to myself, even if I spent most of the day doing nothing.
I'm just feeling somewhat crowded right now. Like I'm still looking after everybody else, when the only person I want to concentrate on is me. How on earth do I begin to say 'no' without feeling so guilty. How do I say no, to not working, Friday night, all day saturday and sunday afternoon every week? I'd love to pick up Saturday, as an extra shift, but I need my sleep, and right now I'm not getting enough. But at the same time, $140 for one day's work (saturday) is so tempting. The money is exactly what I need to boost my income, and means that I'm not just scraping by each week.
<sigh> I don't know ... everything's so ... well everywhere at the moment. Everyone is thinking of themselves, and it seems I'm the only one thinking of everybody else, and not being selfish and thinking only of myself. Sometimes, I hate being me.

Bendithion,
RubyRose

[Teresa]

Sometimes everyone needs a little space.There is nothing wrong with that.You have had a lot to deal with in a little time.It is very natural to want some time to Yourself .:hugz:Everyone needs a break at some point.

[Llewyth]

I think you are all trying to figure out where you all fit after such a big change. Things will get better. Hang on!

[Kalika]

First... you have to think of you. Your physical and mental wellbeing should come first. If you need rest rather than picking up that other shift at work... or going to visit your mom, or spending time with Rhyce - take it!! If you become overly worked, overly frazzled, and overly tired, your body will MAKE you take it - and then you will most likely be down and out for more than a day.

Second... I don't think its wrong for you to feel that way about your mom right now - and its understandable that the older you get, the harder it is for you to see her in the hospital, and be able to be comfortable talking to her. Don't beat yourself up about feeling that way. Have you talked to your dad or your sister about how you feel about things with your mom, because they may have some suggestions on what you can do to make it easier... or they may be feeling the exact same way, but are just afraid to say anything.

Third... talk to Rhyce. :) You guys have been through alot, and it sounds like you are going through ALOT of changes right now... remind him (and yourself) that its going to take some time to adjust to new schedules, less time together, etc. What's meant to be always works out in the end - keeping both of you open to communication and keeping your feelings out in the open will help make the transition smoother. I know when my husband and I went through changes such as moving, starting new jobs, etc... it always took us time to adjust, but taking the few minutes to say "Hey, you know... I need this from you, and I want to be supportive, etc..." helped us tremendously in the long run.

And last... keep coming in here. :) I hope just writing everything down once in awhile helps you!

[LadyAutumnCat]

Be strong! You have a lot on your plate right now, and I can understand why you are so stressed right now. Take time for yourself, your boyfriend will understand. Do for you!

[~BEBZ~]

Thank you for the update.

Being an only child of a broken home, and a mother who's age mentality is that of about two, I know how hard it is to stop taking care of everyone else and learning how to say no. It happens, it's not easy, but it happens. I think it's a good thing that you are feeling the pull to start thinking about and taking care of your needs first. People who suffer a life with a mentally ill loved one don't get rid of all their problems when that person is gone. It's going to take a while for you to work through your issues. I would suggest going to counseling. I thought it was stupid, even being a Psychology student myself, but I tried it. It really does help having someone to talk to that you can say anything to because they have no value in your personal life. Even with best friends that we think we can say anything to we still worry what they are going to think. So having that completely neutral person is nice.

As for your mom, just remember that things usually get worse before they get better. Just hang in there kiddo.

Much love and best wishes for you.:hugz:

[RubyRose]

Thanks guys. :hugz:

Thankfully, I have tomorrow off. So I plan on sleeping in for a while, and doing what I want. (Rhyce has to work, and I told him that I'd prefer if I could have tonight to myself to just ... well ... be by myself, he was fine with it)

See the thing with Rhyce is, he's just got a new job, when for over a year he hasn't had a schedule to keep or anything, so I was the one preventing him seeing me, because of tafe, or work, now, we both have to work around eachother, and he's finding that difficult to cope with. And he will need to adjust. I also happen to know that he is self medicating, with his efexor which is not at all good, cause he gets cranky, and takes it out on me, and even though I know its not my fault that he's getting cranky, I end up feeling guilt for not doing what he wants. But I stood my ground last night, and he came round to my way of thinking, and then apologised for his behaviour.

My mother, I still don't know, she knows she's not well, but I don't think its all sunk in. What she has to do in order to get better. Fully recover and all that. I think she's still in the frame of mind of 'well if I act normal and nice, I'll be out of here' I believe that she still isn't addressing her problems behind why she's in hospital.

As for talking to my dad and sister. Well Taryn (sister) knows why I'm uncomfortable, and she feels pretty much the same way ... I think. My dad, I'm not sure about. Thing is, I have trouble talking to my dad. He's not totally in agreeance with me being on Efexor ... I guess he's seen what being on Psychotic drugs has done to my mother. I guess, I just feel that if I were to tell him, I can't visit my mother because it stresses me out too much, that I'm really just making excuses. It just seems a pety reason, sort of thing.

Ah, maybe tomorrow, I'll be in better spirits.

Bendithion,
RubyRose

[Jackiedanielz]

My SO & I have had so many issues with work & seeing each other. It takes awhile to get used to it but it will work out for the best, don't worry. And good for you for recognizing that you needed time for yourself & holding your ground. I'm glad Rhyce came around and agreed with you!

[Fairyelf]

_pounce_

[RubyRose]

:hugz: thanks guys.