Earth Walker
August 30th, 2001, 09:05 AM
Unless a person is going to spend her/his entire life in the
basement eating corn-on-the-cob, she/he will, through the course
of normal activity, meet with other people in social situations.
Therefore, a correct code of etiquette is necessary. Many people
have been socially ostracized and a few beaten up even because
of a social faux pas.
Now, by memorizing the simple rules in this book, the reader
may be assured that she/he will be able to act correctly at all
times, even if she or he is real dumb.
PERSONAL APPEARANCE
People judge other people by what they see, and correctly so.
Therefore, the visible impression you make is important because
good grooming indicates character.
Always wear expensive clothes and find some way to get their
cost into the conversation. However, there is no point in having
your clothes clean and odor free if You aren't.
Therefore, all visible parts of your body, such as your face and
neck, down to your collar, and your wrists up to your sleeve,
should be washed thoroughly.
Most of your teeth should be pleasant to look at.
If you have unsightly moles, warts, or an unusually large nose,
it is probably best not to go out at all, even to those rare
functions to which you will be invited.
A tuxedo must never be worn before six, so be sure your watch
is right. If you arrive at an affair before six, hide outside in back
of some bushes or a THICK tree until you are sure it's six o'clock.
If you are bald-headed, don't have funny little drawings on
the top of your head.
Never wear ANYTHING that is currently in vogue among the
lower classes.
Do NOT remove your clothes at a party unless the others are
doing so.
ENTERTAINING IN THE HOME
GREETING ARRIVING GUESTS
No guests should enter without being greeted. Say, "I'm so
glad you could make it. I've told everyone to be sure to watch
you eat," or "Goodness, I'd forgotten I'd invited you" ...anything
to make the guest feel individually noticed.
LATE ARRIVALS
If a guest is late in arriving, it is quite correct to serve dinner without her/him. She/he can have a place set up in the kitchen
when she/he finally gets there. If she/he is really late, or if you
have changed your mind about having her/him, refuse to answer
the door, and sit around in the dark until she/he leaves.
THE MENU
Naturally, you cannot possibly have everyone's favourite food,
so you will want to serve a variety that will appeal to all possible
tastes. A good serviceable menu that may be used for both
formal and informal occasions is given below:
Dry or Wet Sherry Pate de Foie Gras Hot Ralston
Consomme Bean Soup Mulligan Stew
Hot Pickles Pretzels
Squab Coney Islands Ham Hocks
Braised Endive Dandelion Sald Raw Carrots
Lemon Souffle Peanut Butter and Jelly Apples
Coffee Tea Chocolate Milk Grape Kool-Aid
SETTING THE TABLE
Do not use paper plates if you are serving anything juicy
or soggy.
Try to have enough knives and forks so no one will have to
share theirs with someone else.
Glasses should be available for those who do not wish to
drink their beer directly from the can.
Use a table cloth if more than seven are dining.
Have a garbage can at each end of the table for olive and
peach pits.
ALCOHOL
Normally, no more than two cocktails should be served before
dinner. However, if the food is very bad, the more cocktails the
better, as after enough martinis, the guests won't care how bad
the dinner is. Or, if it is served at all.
Incidentally, in mixing martinis, if you run out of olives, you may
substitute green maraschino cherries.
It is not really difficult to provide a great variety of drinks if you
just remember some simple rules as to what mixes with what:
Gin can be mixed with ginger ale, cola, or orange drinks, but
not with root beer.
Burbon goes well with colas and goat's milk, but not with
raspberry soda pop.
Scotch will not mix with anything green.
Vodka will mix with anything, but should not be served hot
unless by specific request.
WINES
Red wines should be served if you have a red table cloth or rug.
White wines are always served with Sloppy Joes or city chicken.
Champagne can be served at room temperature ONLY if the
room is 35 degrees fahrenheit.
Elderberry wine is suitable for all occasions, but it gives you
the trots.
THE PROBLEM DRINKER
It is axiomatic that at least one guest will overdrink and
become a nuisance. Handle her/him with disretion. You can get
her/him in a corner and stuff a washrag in her/his mouth, then
quietly have someone help you get her/him downstairs and into
the laundry tub. Or, you can lock her/him in the garage.
remember, she/he IS your guest, and you should not resort to
calling the police unless she/he sets your dog on fire or REALLY
gets anti-social.
If several guests overdrink, you will run out of washrags and
laundry tubs, so it is then best to just accept the situation with
humour and get "blotto" yourself.
TABLE MANNERS FOR GUESTS
Do not fight over who gets the most food.
If you are seated at a long table and want something passed
to you, express yourself clearly. You can, for example, say, "Hey
down there . . . how about some pickles at this end!", or "Next
on the potatoes!".
When you are through eating, push your plate away from you
and say, "I'm full! !".
If you smoke at the table and there are no ashtrays available
you may put your cigarettes out in the jello salad or the finger
bowl.
Be sure to compliment your hostess on a nice meal.
NEVER say anything negative. If you dislike the meal and the
hostess asks you how you enjoyed dinner, simply say, "No
comment."
After a heavy meal, do not lossen your belt or remove your
truss while at the table.
If you wear a glass eye, do not scratch it with a fork while
making conversation.
If anyone at the table exudes any gas from her/his body,
pretend not to notice, even if all the candle flames turn blue.
GAMES
A good hostess/host sees to it that the guests are amused.
After dinner games are always in order. Cards are a popular perennial, but boxing, wrestling, (tag teams are an EXCELLENT
way to break down inhibitions . . . ), and high-jumping are also
good, and have the value of being novelties.
Softball and kick-the-can are fine if you have a large enough
living room.
To assure everyone of an equally good time, those guests not
participating should they beforced to do so, no matter how much
they protest. Often, they are just shy.
CONVERSATION
It is always good manners to put those around you at ease by
assisting in small talk. If you are sitting with someone you don't
know, it's a good idea to start the conversation by asking a
question. Here are some good examples that can be used as
ice-breakers:
Well . . . what do YOU think Goddess is?
How much did those shoes cost?
Have you ever tried to do anything about your voice?
Are any of your relatives deformed?
Do you always wash your hands after you use the toilet?
Have you ever read anything that really required some thought?
What's the matter with your stomach?
How much money do you have in the bank right now?
ENTERTAINING AT A RESTAURANT
Let us assume that, for some reason, you cannot invite a large
group to your home for dinner, i.e. your grandmother is having a
slumber party or your dining room table has been stolen, and
you still wish to repay your dinner obligations. It is then perfectly
proper to entertain your friends at a public restaurant.
There are a few simple rules to follow:
ENTERING AND SEATING
Enter and sit, in that order. Women should get the preferred
seat, if only to avoid bitching and nagging during the dessert.
Old people should be placed off by themselves so the younger ones won't have to watch them eat.
ORDERING
If you are the hostess, you do the ordering. You may get
things started by saying, "Well, let's tie on the old feedbag!", or
words to that effect. To be sure the guests are not reticent about
ordering the more expensive things on the menu, say, "Don't
worry about the tab. I make it big and I can spend it big!!", or
"Eat up! It's on the company!".
ORDERING WINE
If you do not know a great deal about wines, don't hesitate to
ask the waitress for assistance. A quiet, "What's the best thing
to wash this stuff down with?" will do.
ASKING FOR THE CHECK
Say, "Well, let's have the bad news!" Make a big show about
leaving the tip.
WEDDINGS
INVITATIONS
One of the most difficult decisions concerns whom to invite to
the wedding. The bride, naturally, wants a lot of gifts, but it is a
nuisance having a lot of people crowding into the church and
stumbling around during the reception. The best thing to do is
to invite those who normally buy the nicest wedding presents.
Invitations can read as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Able Cain
Request the honour of your presence*
at the marriage of their daughter
Alyce
(the chubby one)
to
Mr. Clyde Fillwell.......
etc.
* (this might also be spelled "presents" as a hint...)
Sometimes the reception is held separately for a smaller number of guests than those who are invited to the wedding.
In this case, the invitation may read:
Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
request the honour of your presence
etc. (as above)
To which should be added:
You are not, under any circumstances
to attempt to come to the reception, which is
being held for friends only.
Your photograph has been posted and
the police have their
instructions.
CANCELLING THE WEDDING
If the wedding is to be cancelled, a simple card should be sent
to those who were invited. As an example:
Mr. and Mrs. Jones announce
that the marriage of their daughter
Cynthia
will not take place, as the rabbit didn't
die after all.
Or, if the wedding is just being postponed:
Mr. and Mrs. Breen
regret that the wedding of their
daughter Susan will not
take place on June 19, as her
fiance appears to be missing.......
THE WEDDING GOWN
The traditional wedding gown is still white. For the mature bride
nearing thirty, it is considered chic to have a white gown with
purple trimming, to indicate to the guests taht she realizes she
isn't fooling anybody. In some circles, the maternity wedding
gown is being seen more and more frequently, though this is a
matter of taste.
BRIDESMAIDS
Bridesmaids are chosen from the bride's closest friends.
If she has no close friends, they can be rented fro about
$1.75 an hour.
THE BEST MAN
It is the duty of the best man to see that the groom gets to
the church whether he wants to or not; to keep him from falling
down or running up the aisle, screaming. The best man also
carries the fee for the minister, the wedding ring, and the
necessary pills.
SEATING ARRANGEMENTS
Ushers should seat the friends of the bride on the left side of
the church, and the friends of the groom on the right.
THIS MUST BE RIGIDLY ADHERED TO. If the friends of the bride
fill up the left side of the church, even if there is still plenty of room
on the right side, any further friends of the bride will simply have
to be sent home.
Ushers should also see to it that the funny looking guests are
scattered throughout the church, rather than being seated
together.
CONDUCT OF THE WEDDING GUESTS
If the wedding is delayed in getting started, the guests should not stamp their feet. Nor, should they boo, jeer or make smart
remarks when the bride comes down the aisle.
At informal weddings, it is all right to make smacking sounds
with the lips when the groom kisses the bride, but yelling,
waving Klaxons, or blowing noisemakers is strictly taboo.
Crying at weddings is not considered in bad taste, unless it
is done by the groom.
CORRESPONDENCE
Social correspondence should be brief and to the point; it
should not consist of rambling dissertations. Remember the
shorter the letter, the fewer words you will misspell.
Here are some examples of the kind of letter you will most often
be called upon to send:
THANK YOU NOTES FOR WEDDING
OR SHOWER GIFTS
Dear Aunt Alma:
Thank you for the toaster. Of all the ones we got, yours is
our favourite.
Gratefully,
DECLINING INVITATIONS
Dear Mrs. Slunt:
I am sorry I will be unable to attend the barn dance you are
having in your delightful apartment this Saturday, but the
sheriff was here this afternoon and, beginning Friday, I will have
to spend the next sixteen years in prison.
Regretfully,
LETTERS OF COMPLAINT
Dear Neighbours:
I don't want to make an unnecessary fuss about a trivial
situation, and I'm sure you don't mean to be unkind, but the
next time you throw garbage in our yard, we will throw twice as
much in yours.
We are also planning to buy a very vicious dog.
Warmly,
SOLICITING FOR CHARITY
Dear Mr. Jones:
I am soliciting for the Fat People's Fund, and your name has
been given as a possible donor. Your generosity is well-known
throughout the community and I am sure you will wish to
contribute to this good cause.
There is no obligation on your part; however a list of those
who have not given will be published in next Sunday's Society
Page.
Imploringly,
LETTERS OF APOLOGY
Dear Mrs. Henderson:
I am very sorry I ruined your cow.
Sincerely,
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION
Dear Mr. Brown:
Mr. Brown, I'd like to introduce you to Harold North.
Harold, this is Mr. Brown.
Best regards,
LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Please accept my sympathy on the death of your great-aunt.
I realize you are saddened now, but you will get over it. I know,
because it hardly bothered me at all.
Warmly,
LETTERS OF REFERENCE
To Whom It May Concern:
This is our maid, Elsie. She worked for us for over three days
and was very efficient. As far as we know, she has replaced
more than two-thirds of the things she stole.
Forgivingly,
OFTEN ASKED QUESTIONS
Not all rules of etiquette can be covered by categories.
There are many small, though important matters that confuse
even the most erudite. Below are a few of the most misunderstood miscellaneous matters of manners and the
correct way to cope with them:
WHEN VISITING A HOME, HOW DOES ONE PRESENT ONE'S
CALLING CARD?
When the butler opens the door, say, "Hello Perkins.", and
place your card along with a dime, on the card tray.
If he returns and says the party is not at home, which is likely,
take the dime back.
WHAT IS MEANT BY "wHITE TIE" AND "BLACK TIE"?
A black tie is a piece of black cloth tied around the neck.
A white tie is the same, except that it is white.
WHEN SHOULD A MAN KISS A LADY'S HAND?
Although on the Continent, a gentleman always kisses the
lady's hand, in America it is not considered necessary to do so,
especially if the hand is covered with anything sticky.
Do NOT kiss a man's hand, even in the larger cities.
HOW SHOULD ONE ADDRESS HIS CONGRESSMAN?
Always use his full name and zip code.
WHEN IS THE CORRECT TIME TO USE A TOOTHPICK?
About 7:30 P.M.
CAN CHICKEN BE EATEN WITH THE HANDS?
Chicken is correctly eaten with the mouth. However, the
hands may be used to stuff it in there.
AFTER SWIMMING AT A PRIVATE POOL PARTY, WHAT SHOULD
BE DONE WITH THE JOCK STRAP?
Ask the host if it's all right to hang it over the fireplace to dry.
If there are going to be a row of jock straps hanging from the
mantle, be sure to have your initials in yours somewhere to
avoid mix-ups.
A FINAL WORD
This book was written to build your self-confidence. Remember,
wherever you go, people will be wtaching you to see if you act
real stupid, and they will be ready to pounce on you and ridicule
you for the slightest social blunder.
Nevertheless, if you read this book over and over again, and if
you apply the rules learned herein, it won't be long before you
will be right there with the crowd, joining in at the laughter over
the clumsy behaviour of your social inferiors.
BON VOYAGE,
basement eating corn-on-the-cob, she/he will, through the course
of normal activity, meet with other people in social situations.
Therefore, a correct code of etiquette is necessary. Many people
have been socially ostracized and a few beaten up even because
of a social faux pas.
Now, by memorizing the simple rules in this book, the reader
may be assured that she/he will be able to act correctly at all
times, even if she or he is real dumb.
PERSONAL APPEARANCE
People judge other people by what they see, and correctly so.
Therefore, the visible impression you make is important because
good grooming indicates character.
Always wear expensive clothes and find some way to get their
cost into the conversation. However, there is no point in having
your clothes clean and odor free if You aren't.
Therefore, all visible parts of your body, such as your face and
neck, down to your collar, and your wrists up to your sleeve,
should be washed thoroughly.
Most of your teeth should be pleasant to look at.
If you have unsightly moles, warts, or an unusually large nose,
it is probably best not to go out at all, even to those rare
functions to which you will be invited.
A tuxedo must never be worn before six, so be sure your watch
is right. If you arrive at an affair before six, hide outside in back
of some bushes or a THICK tree until you are sure it's six o'clock.
If you are bald-headed, don't have funny little drawings on
the top of your head.
Never wear ANYTHING that is currently in vogue among the
lower classes.
Do NOT remove your clothes at a party unless the others are
doing so.
ENTERTAINING IN THE HOME
GREETING ARRIVING GUESTS
No guests should enter without being greeted. Say, "I'm so
glad you could make it. I've told everyone to be sure to watch
you eat," or "Goodness, I'd forgotten I'd invited you" ...anything
to make the guest feel individually noticed.
LATE ARRIVALS
If a guest is late in arriving, it is quite correct to serve dinner without her/him. She/he can have a place set up in the kitchen
when she/he finally gets there. If she/he is really late, or if you
have changed your mind about having her/him, refuse to answer
the door, and sit around in the dark until she/he leaves.
THE MENU
Naturally, you cannot possibly have everyone's favourite food,
so you will want to serve a variety that will appeal to all possible
tastes. A good serviceable menu that may be used for both
formal and informal occasions is given below:
Dry or Wet Sherry Pate de Foie Gras Hot Ralston
Consomme Bean Soup Mulligan Stew
Hot Pickles Pretzels
Squab Coney Islands Ham Hocks
Braised Endive Dandelion Sald Raw Carrots
Lemon Souffle Peanut Butter and Jelly Apples
Coffee Tea Chocolate Milk Grape Kool-Aid
SETTING THE TABLE
Do not use paper plates if you are serving anything juicy
or soggy.
Try to have enough knives and forks so no one will have to
share theirs with someone else.
Glasses should be available for those who do not wish to
drink their beer directly from the can.
Use a table cloth if more than seven are dining.
Have a garbage can at each end of the table for olive and
peach pits.
ALCOHOL
Normally, no more than two cocktails should be served before
dinner. However, if the food is very bad, the more cocktails the
better, as after enough martinis, the guests won't care how bad
the dinner is. Or, if it is served at all.
Incidentally, in mixing martinis, if you run out of olives, you may
substitute green maraschino cherries.
It is not really difficult to provide a great variety of drinks if you
just remember some simple rules as to what mixes with what:
Gin can be mixed with ginger ale, cola, or orange drinks, but
not with root beer.
Burbon goes well with colas and goat's milk, but not with
raspberry soda pop.
Scotch will not mix with anything green.
Vodka will mix with anything, but should not be served hot
unless by specific request.
WINES
Red wines should be served if you have a red table cloth or rug.
White wines are always served with Sloppy Joes or city chicken.
Champagne can be served at room temperature ONLY if the
room is 35 degrees fahrenheit.
Elderberry wine is suitable for all occasions, but it gives you
the trots.
THE PROBLEM DRINKER
It is axiomatic that at least one guest will overdrink and
become a nuisance. Handle her/him with disretion. You can get
her/him in a corner and stuff a washrag in her/his mouth, then
quietly have someone help you get her/him downstairs and into
the laundry tub. Or, you can lock her/him in the garage.
remember, she/he IS your guest, and you should not resort to
calling the police unless she/he sets your dog on fire or REALLY
gets anti-social.
If several guests overdrink, you will run out of washrags and
laundry tubs, so it is then best to just accept the situation with
humour and get "blotto" yourself.
TABLE MANNERS FOR GUESTS
Do not fight over who gets the most food.
If you are seated at a long table and want something passed
to you, express yourself clearly. You can, for example, say, "Hey
down there . . . how about some pickles at this end!", or "Next
on the potatoes!".
When you are through eating, push your plate away from you
and say, "I'm full! !".
If you smoke at the table and there are no ashtrays available
you may put your cigarettes out in the jello salad or the finger
bowl.
Be sure to compliment your hostess on a nice meal.
NEVER say anything negative. If you dislike the meal and the
hostess asks you how you enjoyed dinner, simply say, "No
comment."
After a heavy meal, do not lossen your belt or remove your
truss while at the table.
If you wear a glass eye, do not scratch it with a fork while
making conversation.
If anyone at the table exudes any gas from her/his body,
pretend not to notice, even if all the candle flames turn blue.
GAMES
A good hostess/host sees to it that the guests are amused.
After dinner games are always in order. Cards are a popular perennial, but boxing, wrestling, (tag teams are an EXCELLENT
way to break down inhibitions . . . ), and high-jumping are also
good, and have the value of being novelties.
Softball and kick-the-can are fine if you have a large enough
living room.
To assure everyone of an equally good time, those guests not
participating should they beforced to do so, no matter how much
they protest. Often, they are just shy.
CONVERSATION
It is always good manners to put those around you at ease by
assisting in small talk. If you are sitting with someone you don't
know, it's a good idea to start the conversation by asking a
question. Here are some good examples that can be used as
ice-breakers:
Well . . . what do YOU think Goddess is?
How much did those shoes cost?
Have you ever tried to do anything about your voice?
Are any of your relatives deformed?
Do you always wash your hands after you use the toilet?
Have you ever read anything that really required some thought?
What's the matter with your stomach?
How much money do you have in the bank right now?
ENTERTAINING AT A RESTAURANT
Let us assume that, for some reason, you cannot invite a large
group to your home for dinner, i.e. your grandmother is having a
slumber party or your dining room table has been stolen, and
you still wish to repay your dinner obligations. It is then perfectly
proper to entertain your friends at a public restaurant.
There are a few simple rules to follow:
ENTERING AND SEATING
Enter and sit, in that order. Women should get the preferred
seat, if only to avoid bitching and nagging during the dessert.
Old people should be placed off by themselves so the younger ones won't have to watch them eat.
ORDERING
If you are the hostess, you do the ordering. You may get
things started by saying, "Well, let's tie on the old feedbag!", or
words to that effect. To be sure the guests are not reticent about
ordering the more expensive things on the menu, say, "Don't
worry about the tab. I make it big and I can spend it big!!", or
"Eat up! It's on the company!".
ORDERING WINE
If you do not know a great deal about wines, don't hesitate to
ask the waitress for assistance. A quiet, "What's the best thing
to wash this stuff down with?" will do.
ASKING FOR THE CHECK
Say, "Well, let's have the bad news!" Make a big show about
leaving the tip.
WEDDINGS
INVITATIONS
One of the most difficult decisions concerns whom to invite to
the wedding. The bride, naturally, wants a lot of gifts, but it is a
nuisance having a lot of people crowding into the church and
stumbling around during the reception. The best thing to do is
to invite those who normally buy the nicest wedding presents.
Invitations can read as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Able Cain
Request the honour of your presence*
at the marriage of their daughter
Alyce
(the chubby one)
to
Mr. Clyde Fillwell.......
etc.
* (this might also be spelled "presents" as a hint...)
Sometimes the reception is held separately for a smaller number of guests than those who are invited to the wedding.
In this case, the invitation may read:
Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
request the honour of your presence
etc. (as above)
To which should be added:
You are not, under any circumstances
to attempt to come to the reception, which is
being held for friends only.
Your photograph has been posted and
the police have their
instructions.
CANCELLING THE WEDDING
If the wedding is to be cancelled, a simple card should be sent
to those who were invited. As an example:
Mr. and Mrs. Jones announce
that the marriage of their daughter
Cynthia
will not take place, as the rabbit didn't
die after all.
Or, if the wedding is just being postponed:
Mr. and Mrs. Breen
regret that the wedding of their
daughter Susan will not
take place on June 19, as her
fiance appears to be missing.......
THE WEDDING GOWN
The traditional wedding gown is still white. For the mature bride
nearing thirty, it is considered chic to have a white gown with
purple trimming, to indicate to the guests taht she realizes she
isn't fooling anybody. In some circles, the maternity wedding
gown is being seen more and more frequently, though this is a
matter of taste.
BRIDESMAIDS
Bridesmaids are chosen from the bride's closest friends.
If she has no close friends, they can be rented fro about
$1.75 an hour.
THE BEST MAN
It is the duty of the best man to see that the groom gets to
the church whether he wants to or not; to keep him from falling
down or running up the aisle, screaming. The best man also
carries the fee for the minister, the wedding ring, and the
necessary pills.
SEATING ARRANGEMENTS
Ushers should seat the friends of the bride on the left side of
the church, and the friends of the groom on the right.
THIS MUST BE RIGIDLY ADHERED TO. If the friends of the bride
fill up the left side of the church, even if there is still plenty of room
on the right side, any further friends of the bride will simply have
to be sent home.
Ushers should also see to it that the funny looking guests are
scattered throughout the church, rather than being seated
together.
CONDUCT OF THE WEDDING GUESTS
If the wedding is delayed in getting started, the guests should not stamp their feet. Nor, should they boo, jeer or make smart
remarks when the bride comes down the aisle.
At informal weddings, it is all right to make smacking sounds
with the lips when the groom kisses the bride, but yelling,
waving Klaxons, or blowing noisemakers is strictly taboo.
Crying at weddings is not considered in bad taste, unless it
is done by the groom.
CORRESPONDENCE
Social correspondence should be brief and to the point; it
should not consist of rambling dissertations. Remember the
shorter the letter, the fewer words you will misspell.
Here are some examples of the kind of letter you will most often
be called upon to send:
THANK YOU NOTES FOR WEDDING
OR SHOWER GIFTS
Dear Aunt Alma:
Thank you for the toaster. Of all the ones we got, yours is
our favourite.
Gratefully,
DECLINING INVITATIONS
Dear Mrs. Slunt:
I am sorry I will be unable to attend the barn dance you are
having in your delightful apartment this Saturday, but the
sheriff was here this afternoon and, beginning Friday, I will have
to spend the next sixteen years in prison.
Regretfully,
LETTERS OF COMPLAINT
Dear Neighbours:
I don't want to make an unnecessary fuss about a trivial
situation, and I'm sure you don't mean to be unkind, but the
next time you throw garbage in our yard, we will throw twice as
much in yours.
We are also planning to buy a very vicious dog.
Warmly,
SOLICITING FOR CHARITY
Dear Mr. Jones:
I am soliciting for the Fat People's Fund, and your name has
been given as a possible donor. Your generosity is well-known
throughout the community and I am sure you will wish to
contribute to this good cause.
There is no obligation on your part; however a list of those
who have not given will be published in next Sunday's Society
Page.
Imploringly,
LETTERS OF APOLOGY
Dear Mrs. Henderson:
I am very sorry I ruined your cow.
Sincerely,
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION
Dear Mr. Brown:
Mr. Brown, I'd like to introduce you to Harold North.
Harold, this is Mr. Brown.
Best regards,
LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Please accept my sympathy on the death of your great-aunt.
I realize you are saddened now, but you will get over it. I know,
because it hardly bothered me at all.
Warmly,
LETTERS OF REFERENCE
To Whom It May Concern:
This is our maid, Elsie. She worked for us for over three days
and was very efficient. As far as we know, she has replaced
more than two-thirds of the things she stole.
Forgivingly,
OFTEN ASKED QUESTIONS
Not all rules of etiquette can be covered by categories.
There are many small, though important matters that confuse
even the most erudite. Below are a few of the most misunderstood miscellaneous matters of manners and the
correct way to cope with them:
WHEN VISITING A HOME, HOW DOES ONE PRESENT ONE'S
CALLING CARD?
When the butler opens the door, say, "Hello Perkins.", and
place your card along with a dime, on the card tray.
If he returns and says the party is not at home, which is likely,
take the dime back.
WHAT IS MEANT BY "wHITE TIE" AND "BLACK TIE"?
A black tie is a piece of black cloth tied around the neck.
A white tie is the same, except that it is white.
WHEN SHOULD A MAN KISS A LADY'S HAND?
Although on the Continent, a gentleman always kisses the
lady's hand, in America it is not considered necessary to do so,
especially if the hand is covered with anything sticky.
Do NOT kiss a man's hand, even in the larger cities.
HOW SHOULD ONE ADDRESS HIS CONGRESSMAN?
Always use his full name and zip code.
WHEN IS THE CORRECT TIME TO USE A TOOTHPICK?
About 7:30 P.M.
CAN CHICKEN BE EATEN WITH THE HANDS?
Chicken is correctly eaten with the mouth. However, the
hands may be used to stuff it in there.
AFTER SWIMMING AT A PRIVATE POOL PARTY, WHAT SHOULD
BE DONE WITH THE JOCK STRAP?
Ask the host if it's all right to hang it over the fireplace to dry.
If there are going to be a row of jock straps hanging from the
mantle, be sure to have your initials in yours somewhere to
avoid mix-ups.
A FINAL WORD
This book was written to build your self-confidence. Remember,
wherever you go, people will be wtaching you to see if you act
real stupid, and they will be ready to pounce on you and ridicule
you for the slightest social blunder.
Nevertheless, if you read this book over and over again, and if
you apply the rules learned herein, it won't be long before you
will be right there with the crowd, joining in at the laughter over
the clumsy behaviour of your social inferiors.
BON VOYAGE,