what would you do......

[misschief]

i'm in a mess here.. and just don't know what to do.
my husband is running us into a hole, that i am not sure we can get out of. he decided to change career fields.. fine. well.. he got to his new job and hated it, so he quit.. still.. fine. as long as he was planning on going to something else soon, i have no problem with that. well.. the new job got put back a day for something.. a week for something else.. and so on.. to make it short.. he isn't working, and continually making excuses as to why not. nothing i say or do changes it. his behavior changed also... he's not pleasant to be around anymore. my perfect husband, former loving father of my kids, turned into this horrid beast of an ass. he's not abusive... just far from 'nice'. our bills are all almost two months behind.. probably days from being turned off, but does he care? nope. i don't want to leave the kids with him to work because he does NOTHING but sit on the computer all day, every day. any metion of him getting off of it causes a fight. so.. if i were to be gone, i think he would neglect the kids... and i worry about him picking my oldest up from school on time because nothing is more important that being online. he hardly ever helps with the housework or the kids.. just sits on the computer, or sometimes asleep on the couch while i care for all these kids, clean up after everyone, including him.. and cook.. etc. he sends them to their room and gives them time outs for the dumbest little things. he grounds them from their favorite toys for petty things. he just isnt' treating my children the way i want them treated. he has an attitude with me to the point where i dont voice my thoughts anymore, because it isn't worth hearing what he has to say. we've talked about it a million times.. and i always have 'no idea what i'm talking about'.. i'm always wrong, he's always right, there just isn't any point in fighting about it anymore. so.. nothing is going to change. my kids are so attached to him, it would be very traumatic for him to leave... but at the same time, i don't know what will happen if he stays. i just want my husband back, that's all. problem is.. i don't know where he went. ugh. what would you do? what should i do? i dunno.. i'm just lost i guess.:(

[Sith]

How long is he on the computer? Is he online or playing games or both? Does he get upset if the computer isn't availble? Seems to me he may have a computer sddiction and needs help. As for the job, do your best and if he is upset when you mention it, put the bills by the PC so he can see them and maybe he will realize that he needs to do something else.

[misschief]

How long is he on the computer? Is he online or playing games or both? Does he get upset if the computer isn't availble? Seems to me he may have a computer sddiction and needs help. As for the job, do your best and if he is upset when you mention it, put the bills by the PC so he can see them and maybe he will realize that he needs to do something else.i did that.. with the bills. they belong right by the monitor now. he couldn't care less. as far as what he does online.. everquest II beta is the big thing.. then other games, messenger, his website.. etc etc etc. there's always more. even if he finally gets offline, he'll still sit here and play offline games. he really makes me feel like a failure, because when i try to do all this by myself i fail. yes, i know i don't have to do it all alone, but he isn't giving me a choice. as far as him seeking help... i think he would leave before he'd do that. i don't know really.... *sigh*

for a time frame.. lots of days he'll get up around 8 30... and stay on the computer AT LEAST until 5pm.. and that's a short day. and.. if the computer isn't available, he'll sleep all day or go use someone elses. it's all that matters to him it seems like.

[Temptation]

It sounds to me like he might be suffering from some kind of depression.
It might have started even before it was noticeable to you. Could be the reason
for the sudden career change.
When the new job didn't work out the way he had hoped, it probably made his depression
worse. The computer addiction could have started because of a lack of anything
better to do and now he can't get away from it because that would mean having to
face and deal with his demons. Not to mention his responsibilities to you, the kids and
your life together as a family.
Sounds like the man is so overwhelmed his only resource is to escape into this world
of computer games and to lash out at everyone who tries to get close.
I think he's probably in a lot of psychological pain and doesn't know how to communicate
it to you (like most men).
I hope you find a way to reach him before it gets worse. Try talking to him when he's
least likely to lash out. Take him out of the house for a walk, dinner... anything, and talk to him. Try to get him to open up to you.

I really hope you guys get thru this

[Tzhebee]

The first thing I would do is cancel my internet connection. Then I'd type up his resume and tape it to his monitor with the "help wanted" ad's.

Other than that....I can't tell you what to do. You need to figure out what is more imporant for you and your children. :hugz:

[MorningDove030202]

When I got pregnant we both decided to put the online games away. I also "made" my husband go on Zoloft for depression..... both were a good moves. I hesitate to suggest you just cancle the games. Could you leave your kids at home with dad, and get a job, and then ask a friend or family member to randomly drop in on them to see what's going on? I know that my husband's parents were very helpful in getting him to realize that his priorities were mixed up. Sometimes it takes hearing a suggestion from everybody. If the volunteer find things to be disastorous, it could be a wake up call for him.... I think a well placed comment about "do you want to loose your kids?" would work, as long as it was constructive and tactfully given. Also, if you do get a job, don't let him have access to the money. You don't have to have a join account.

Dove

[Serendipity]

Online gaming strikes again. =\ I had a friend who has 8 kids and he ended up losing an AWESOME job because all he did was play everquest. Oi. My only advice is maybe some councling/therapy for your husband, it could very well be depression (like Temptation mentioned above). Before I got on Zoloft, I wouldn't leave the house and I didn't care about anything - I was severly depressed. (Not that I think everyone needs to be on medicine, just maybe have him checked out).

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Mab]

well...I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you if I was in that situation & I'd done everything I could to nicely & supportively help him get help, I'd plan the shocker of announcing "If you don't get some help, me & the kids are leaving until you do!" Sounds like he might need a safe dropped on his head (figuratively, of course) before he'll "get it".

[MorningDove030202]

well...I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you if I was in that situation & I'd done everything I could to nicely & supportively help him get help, I'd plan the shocker of announcing "If you don't get some help, me & the kids are leaving until you do!" Sounds like he might need a safe dropped on his head (figuratively, of course) before he'll "get it".

Ya, I had to use some language like that... it was more like "If you don't get help, this isn't going to work." But I had to get everyone he knew to tell him that Zoloft was a good idea before he would do it.

Dove

[Mab]

yeah....I don't have exactly the same situation, but my SO kept doing the "I don't need help. I don't need no frickin' therapy." thing. And I just told him "WE are not going to work unless YOU get some of your issues resolved, and until you do, I'm gone. I can't live like this. Call me when you've cleaned yourself up a bit." Some ppl just have to do things the hardest way possible, and some just don't understand how serious things are until a safe or piano gets dropped on their heads!

I tell ya, it's enough to make ya batty!

[Ceres]

i cant top the advice already given! so many great perspectives and a lot of empathy too. i just want to say to you personally ladyleo - take care of yourself, eh? whatever your husbands issues are, make sure u keep them HIS problems as much as possible while still letting him know u are there! u might even try reading some alanon information because as someone pointed out, he may very well be dealing with an addiction.
do things for yourself and dont beat yourself up! i highly recommend flylady for you, not because i think you cant keep the house clean, but because she is so wonderful for making sure women take care of themselves!

[Valkie]

I agree with Mab. With what you're describing LL, he needs help whether he wants to admit it or not. If he won't listen to you, doesn't care, and gets defensive when you bring it up, it's time to put your foot down. He has responsibilities to take care of and you can't do it alone.

[Mab]

I agree with Mab. With what you're describing LL, he needs help whether he wants to admit it or not. If he won't listen to you, doesn't care, and gets defensive when you bring it up, it's time to put your foot down. He has responsibilities to take care of and you can't do it alone.
funny how we agree so much, Valkie! :lookwhats

I would caution you, too, LL---you have to consider your financial stability, too. My ex ruined our credit by not paying bills, paying them late, etc. It took me 3 years to get it back--all on my own. If he's not working & he doesn't care that the bills aren't paid....well, you have kids to consider, hon. You can't very well go without head & electricity for long.....and there are groceries, and meds when they get sick.....

he needs help whether he wants it or not.

I know it sucks, honey. You gotta be tough & strong, though. Find that Goddess in you & ask what she would do.

Love & light your way....

and strength & patience as well.

Mab

[Mouse]

I think cutting off the internet would be a good idea, if he asks why just tell him the bills were getting too far ahead or you needed to put the money toward something elce.

Don't let your power/gas/etc get cut off. Its more expencive to get it put on again then to pay the bill and the worst part is your kids wont forget it, they probly wont say anything about it but it will be one of them things that stick with them, prolly because they don't see a lot of the arguements leading up to it or are usually at school when things are getting paid.. On the bright side if the power does get cut off he will have to get a job otherwise he wont have his computer anymore.

good luck with this ((hugs)) you will get through it

[zehava]

adding some more :hugz:s because all the advice already given covers what i would've said.

((hug))

-z

[Sith]

i did that.. with the bills. they belong right by the monitor now. he couldn't care less. as far as what he does online.. everquest II beta is the big thing.. then other games, messenger, his website.. etc etc etc. there's always more. even if he finally gets offline, he'll still sit here and play offline games. he really makes me feel like a failure, because when i try to do all this by myself i fail. yes, i know i don't have to do it all alone, but he isn't giving me a choice. as far as him seeking help... i think he would leave before he'd do that. i don't know really.... *sigh*
for a time frame.. lots of days he'll get up around 8 30... and stay on the computer AT LEAST until 5pm.. and that's a short day. and.. if the computer isn't available, he'll sleep all day or go use someone elses. it's all that matters to him it seems like.
I would recommend canceling the Internet account. That would reduce one bill. If he plays offline games nonstop, ask a geek friend to remove the IDE cables. If he wants to visit friends to play games and use the Net, tell him he needs to make a decision. Either he chooses the Internet and face bankrupcy or choose his family and take care of them like a man.

[~*Ginger*~]

In a way, going on strike, yourself might help, but it may make things worse...
If he can't help himself, i guess you have to.

Unplug & pack up the pc...if you feel safe enough to do so...
Or
if you have any type of way to record/tape his way of doing things now, and let him watch himself in action!

you know, it's simple, if he really wanted to, he could do other stuff, while he's on the pc...
laundry, for one.
Get a timer for the kitchen and let him do some cooking, by timer so it's not burnt.
*insert your ideas here*
...

Or just take the kids for a vacation, just you and them...
Wonder how long you'd be gone before he'd notice?

Heck, i dunno, just throwing ideas out there...

Ask him where your wonderful husband went, he was the last to see him, I'm sure...

*disclaimer*
I'm no marriage counselor!
And I'd not put up with that behavior for very long myself.


Good Luck!

[Yvonne Belisle]

Put the computer at a friends house and tell him you had to pawn it to pay some of the bills or actually do it. Then get him in for help.

[misschief]

Put the computer at a friends house and tell him you had to pawn it to pay some of the bills or actually do it. Then get him in for help.lol.. now THAT is a good idea.!!

[~SleepyWillow~]

There really isn't much else to add to all this advice..it's all very good. I think the key here is to have a good balance of love and strength. I think your husband as said already may very well be sinking into a depression. He needs to know that you are there but also that you will not tolerate him sinking further. The children are your first priority at this point because it will eventually come down to keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table. BUT even in a situation like this you need to focus on your marriage especially. There are reasons he is feeling defeated and you need to find out what those are or you cannot help him solve them. He needs to know that no matter what you love him..but that failing to provide for his family will push you to take actions that you don't want to take. Remind him that his children look up to him and that he is one of thier prime role models. What he is showing the children right now is that it's ok to give up and it's NOT. Someone else said it earlier and Im sorry I cannot recall who at the moment, but take him out for a walk or dinner and talk to him...be gentle at first and try to explain that you want him to be FUNCTIONING part of your marriage and your family. I realize that frustration does get the best of us and sometimes that can lead to saying things you don't mean(or do mean but maybe shouldn't say aloud) or arguments and of course this will only aggravate the situation. Show him understanding, discuss what goals he has or options where his career is concerned..make sure he knows that his role in all of your lives is important and make him aware that right now he isn't fulfilling that role.

[Ceres]

well said sleepy willow! there is much in favour of a gentle empathetic approach that respects him as a grown up. 12 step programs tell families of those with addictions to do the same. drastic action tends to drive ppl away because not only does it not solve the original problem, even if they comply it makes the addicted/depressed person reliant on others to make their decisions which leads to problem later.