Earth Walker
September 2nd, 2001, 12:59 PM
It's long ben accepted among social anthropologists that at
any given time roughly a dozen trends are making their way
from South California towards B.C.
With the exception of Greenpeace and Pamela Anderson, this
is how trends migrate on the west coast -- south to north.
Hot tubs, salad bars, the bare midriff, pogs, tagging, goatees
and drive-by shootings -- they all started down south and then
moved north.
It takes a trend 14 months to get from South Cal to Vancouver,
slightly longer if traffic is backed up at the border, and by the time
a trend is finally au courant here it's already passe there.
As Mysticwicks official New-Trends Gal, I went to California,
Land Where Trends Start, to see what we can expect about
a year from now. Here's a preview:
CALIFORNIA'S NEW FAD IN TUBERS
What They Are: The golf-ball-sized root of a sunflower.
What Marketing Bumph Claims They Taste Like: Flavour
combination of "potato, jicama and artichoke."
Pretty Good Hunch As To What They Really Taste Like: Flavour
combination of door knob and gym sock.
Which Means: The health food crowd will love them.
AU COURANT ORGANIC HALLUCINOGEN
A plant called Diviners Sage, also known as Salvia Divinoram
or Magic Mint.
What It Is: According to Malibu proponent Daniel Siebert, it's
"an extraordinary herb used in shamanism, divination, healing,
meditation, and to understand how George Bush became
president. "Okay, I made that last part up.
Where Diviners Sage Originates: From the Mayatec Indians of
Central Mexico who, I'm pretty sure, also gave us the Long
Island Iced Tea.
Is It Illegal: Not quite yet.
SIGN THAT KARAOKE IS FIXING TO GET A WHOLE LOT SCARIER
French Karaoke.
Where: French restaurant in L.A., the Brasserie des Artistes.
Despite: Everything that is holy and evidence that, as Brasserie
owner George Etesse claims, the French are terrible singers.
Why: Apparently not yet enough senseless suffering in this world.
Up-And-Coming Competition For The Ancient Discipline Of Feng Shui
The ancient Taramuhara Indian ritual of limpia.
What Limpia Entails: Wafting of incense, tossing of marigolds,
splashing of orange water and petal sprinkling of the on-head
variety, followed by tea.
What It's Supposed To Do: Spiritually cleanse your house.
How Long It Takes: About an hour.
Name Of The Taramuhara Lady Who Performed This Ceremony
At A Condo In West Hollywood: Olivia Chumacero.
What She Named Her Daughter To Keep Her In Touch With Her
Taramuhara Heritage: Itzpapalotl.
What Itzpapalotl Means In Taramuharan: Doris.
Latest Evolutionary Step In Roller-Coasters
The Deja Vu.
Where: Magic Mountain in Valencia.
What It Does: After a 20-storey free fall, a 90-degree turn and
reaching speeds of up to 65mph, you repeat the entire ride
going backwards.
How It Could Be Made Even More Harrowing: Just before the
end, roller-coaster stops and force feeds you Sunflower Chokes.
WHAT CALIFORNIANS ARE
LINING UP FOR
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
GOURMET BUTTER LETTUCE
TREND-TO-WATCH
LIVE butter lettuce, with root attached.
Newest Christian Sect To Spring From The San Fernando Valley
And Steadily Advance
The holy AdvertiseJesus-ites
(www.advertiseJesus.com).
How They Try To Save People: By placing advertisements for
Jesus on bus benches.
Do They Believe Jesus Will Return: You betcha.
Will It Be Soon: Not if he's coming by means of a South California
Bus.
What He Can Legally Do Once He Gets Here That He Couldn't
Do A Month Ago: Bet on a California horse race over the telephone.
Revolutionary New Breakthrough in Oreo Technology
The Milk-Changing Oreo.
Does It Have The "Same Great Taste": Yes!
So How Are They Different: Dunk them in milk and they leave
red swirls.
Why: Kids are too young for Diviners Sage.
HIGH-END FOOD FAD
Expensive coffee on a stick.
What It is: "A lowfat blend of Starbuck's coffee and sweet
creamy milk" frozen onto a stick.
But Is It Really Starbuck's If It Isn't Handed To You By A Guy
With A Ring In His Nose: Probably not.
What It Costs For A Box Of Four Frozen Coffee Bars: I'm guessing
here, but, having been in a Starbuck's, probably around $300.
any given time roughly a dozen trends are making their way
from South California towards B.C.
With the exception of Greenpeace and Pamela Anderson, this
is how trends migrate on the west coast -- south to north.
Hot tubs, salad bars, the bare midriff, pogs, tagging, goatees
and drive-by shootings -- they all started down south and then
moved north.
It takes a trend 14 months to get from South Cal to Vancouver,
slightly longer if traffic is backed up at the border, and by the time
a trend is finally au courant here it's already passe there.
As Mysticwicks official New-Trends Gal, I went to California,
Land Where Trends Start, to see what we can expect about
a year from now. Here's a preview:
CALIFORNIA'S NEW FAD IN TUBERS
What They Are: The golf-ball-sized root of a sunflower.
What Marketing Bumph Claims They Taste Like: Flavour
combination of "potato, jicama and artichoke."
Pretty Good Hunch As To What They Really Taste Like: Flavour
combination of door knob and gym sock.
Which Means: The health food crowd will love them.
AU COURANT ORGANIC HALLUCINOGEN
A plant called Diviners Sage, also known as Salvia Divinoram
or Magic Mint.
What It Is: According to Malibu proponent Daniel Siebert, it's
"an extraordinary herb used in shamanism, divination, healing,
meditation, and to understand how George Bush became
president. "Okay, I made that last part up.
Where Diviners Sage Originates: From the Mayatec Indians of
Central Mexico who, I'm pretty sure, also gave us the Long
Island Iced Tea.
Is It Illegal: Not quite yet.
SIGN THAT KARAOKE IS FIXING TO GET A WHOLE LOT SCARIER
French Karaoke.
Where: French restaurant in L.A., the Brasserie des Artistes.
Despite: Everything that is holy and evidence that, as Brasserie
owner George Etesse claims, the French are terrible singers.
Why: Apparently not yet enough senseless suffering in this world.
Up-And-Coming Competition For The Ancient Discipline Of Feng Shui
The ancient Taramuhara Indian ritual of limpia.
What Limpia Entails: Wafting of incense, tossing of marigolds,
splashing of orange water and petal sprinkling of the on-head
variety, followed by tea.
What It's Supposed To Do: Spiritually cleanse your house.
How Long It Takes: About an hour.
Name Of The Taramuhara Lady Who Performed This Ceremony
At A Condo In West Hollywood: Olivia Chumacero.
What She Named Her Daughter To Keep Her In Touch With Her
Taramuhara Heritage: Itzpapalotl.
What Itzpapalotl Means In Taramuharan: Doris.
Latest Evolutionary Step In Roller-Coasters
The Deja Vu.
Where: Magic Mountain in Valencia.
What It Does: After a 20-storey free fall, a 90-degree turn and
reaching speeds of up to 65mph, you repeat the entire ride
going backwards.
How It Could Be Made Even More Harrowing: Just before the
end, roller-coaster stops and force feeds you Sunflower Chokes.
WHAT CALIFORNIANS ARE
LINING UP FOR
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
GOURMET BUTTER LETTUCE
TREND-TO-WATCH
LIVE butter lettuce, with root attached.
Newest Christian Sect To Spring From The San Fernando Valley
And Steadily Advance
The holy AdvertiseJesus-ites
(www.advertiseJesus.com).
How They Try To Save People: By placing advertisements for
Jesus on bus benches.
Do They Believe Jesus Will Return: You betcha.
Will It Be Soon: Not if he's coming by means of a South California
Bus.
What He Can Legally Do Once He Gets Here That He Couldn't
Do A Month Ago: Bet on a California horse race over the telephone.
Revolutionary New Breakthrough in Oreo Technology
The Milk-Changing Oreo.
Does It Have The "Same Great Taste": Yes!
So How Are They Different: Dunk them in milk and they leave
red swirls.
Why: Kids are too young for Diviners Sage.
HIGH-END FOOD FAD
Expensive coffee on a stick.
What It is: "A lowfat blend of Starbuck's coffee and sweet
creamy milk" frozen onto a stick.
But Is It Really Starbuck's If It Isn't Handed To You By A Guy
With A Ring In His Nose: Probably not.
What It Costs For A Box Of Four Frozen Coffee Bars: I'm guessing
here, but, having been in a Starbuck's, probably around $300.