StepMoms of teens and early teens: HELP!

[Elfa Wylde]

If there are any parents, particularly steps, who can lend me a little advice... PLEASE DO!

I went from living at home and taking care of my Mom who was very ill to married with a 12 year old and a 9 year old who were, at the time, very bitter about being abandoned by their birth mother, abused by their last stepmother and then suddenly having a third 'mom' in the house.

five years later it's a little easier.. we're slowly... SLOWLY settling in as a family...
but i find myself having some troubles...

When I was growing up... there was a LOT of work to be done on our farm and in the house... we had to be able to do our chorse without someone looking over our shoulder and without help unless we REALLY needed it.
When someone offered to 'help' you.. it was usually because they thought you weren't doing it right or because they felt the need to 'teach' you something about it. and it became either a humiliation or a lession.. both could be dreadful. Mind you... my Mom didn't do this so much as my own stepfather and (step)sister (who is ten years older than me)

Here's where i need the help. The girls love to say.. help in the kitchen... but i get all jumpy about it and over demanding.. even when I try not to.... I want to let htem help... i'd love to be able to say come here.. help with this or that and have a fine time of it like my mother and I did....but i can't seem to stop being such a perfectionist and...

how do I show them how to di something without turning it into "school time" ??
how do i get past the "i can do it myself" crap and into the "i love to spend time with you in the kitchen" thing??

gads... i feel terrible and pathetic!

[blueangel]

Oh don't feel bad! I can understand your situation pefectly. I think that letting them hear what you wrote above would be a great help. It's so much easier to be understanding of someone if you know what they are thinking!

As for letting them help out... just tell yourself that they might be making a mess but it's nothing that cannot be cleaned up. Once you tell yourself this it might allow to you enjoy doing things with them. Plus, you can make clean up part of the fun if you do it all together.

I wish you lots of luck in resolving this situation.

[Zoritsa_Nepenthe]

I can relate to wanting it being done perfectly.My son is always wanting to help me in the kitchen,and though I try hard not to get to involved,because then he gets upset when I show him the *correct*(my correct way...meaning perfectionist way)way.

I've learned to have him get everything ready before hand,and I sit down to an activity that I can put down at any given time and allow him to *go at it*.If he needs help,I'm right there and can get up and help.I can also glance over from time to time and ask him hows he's doing,but I never give suggestions anymore,unless he asks.

Next I'm working on allowing my kids to decorate the tree for the holidays themselves :help: I used to decorate restaurants for the Christmas season,so my home looks way to perfect for my kids taste....but I'm working on it :uhhuhuh:

[rhee]

I completely relate to what you are going through. It was very difficult giving up control of my kitchen to my stepdaughter who is also 12. To try and help my control issues I taught her a few easy to cook dishes. I gave her a recipe basket to keep them in and gave her a night to try what she had learned. Any cleaning she did was in the evening so I could redo it in the morning before she woke. It gets easier, especially in the evening when you have time to yourself because of the extra help.

Just keep smiling and good luck!