Holiday Blues

[BluDreamer]

It's that time of year again... the time of year I look forward to (for my kids) and yet the very core of me dreads. Ever since I can remember, the holidays have always been sad for me... due to my childhood, depression during my teens... but since my daughter was born- Thanksgiving and Christmas have been much more fulfilling.

This year I fear will be the worst. I have left my violent husband, and now I'm raising my two kids on my own. Every year we celebrated the holidays with his big family... this year I will not. Maybe he'll have the kids for the holidays and I'll be alone... to sob and cry and bury myself.

It's not just the fact that we can't celebrate the holidays as a family anymore, but also just after Christmas of 2000... my mom's good friend's (who's been a like a dad to me since I was 3) mother died in a nursing home. He ended up taking his life 2 weeks later. It was the most devastating thing. I will forever feel that pain, and it comes back every Christmas and New Year.

Plus, I never really had a normal, happy Christmas... either my mom went out drinking... or stayed home in her bed... or I got presents- she'd destroy in anger.

Woe is me.

Do you get the holiday blues?

Forever Blu

[Yasmine Galenorn]

It's that time of year again... the time of year I look forward to (for my kids) and yet the very core of me dreads. Ever since I can remember, the holidays have always been sad for me... due to my childhood, depression during my teens... but since my daughter was born- Thanksgiving and Christmas have been much more fulfilling.

This year I fear will be the worst. I have left my violent husband, and now I'm raising my two kids on my own. Every year we celebrated the holidays with his big family... this year I will not. Maybe he'll have the kids for the holidays and I'll be alone... to sob and cry and bury myself.

It's not just the fact that we can't celebrate the holidays as a family anymore, but also just after Christmas of 2000... my mom's good friend's (who's been a like a dad to me since I was 3) mother died in a nursing home. He ended up taking his life 2 weeks later. It was the most devastating thing. I will forever feel that pain, and it comes back every Christmas and New Year.

Plus, I never really had a normal, happy Christmas... either my mom went out drinking... or stayed home in her bed... or I got presents- she'd destroy in anger.

Woe is me.

Do you get the holiday blues?

Forever Blu

Okay, listen...the holidays are what you make them. My mother died the week before Yule in 2000, my husband's father died on December 13th in 1993. I never had a normal Christmas or birthday from the time I was 13 to the time I was 30, and had an abusive childhood and an abusive first marriage. Do I mourn that? Yeah. Does it stop me from making things different now? No.

The first thing I did when I left my ex was to start buying myself flowers--he never bought them for me, so I decided since I loved flowers, I'd buy them. Then I started tentatively celebrating holidays again--it felt awkward at first, but after a couple years, it was fun.

I spent one Thanksgiving on the bread line--behind the line, rather--helping serve the homeless and hungry. It taught me a lot, and it made me feel like I was contributing. If you're kids are at their father's this year for Christmas, maybe that would be something that you could do--volunteer to help others, make yourself feel like you've done something wonderful and productive.

I miss my mother, Sam misses his father, but they wouldn't want us to stop having fun, to stop enjoying ourselves just because they're gone. That probably would make them feel pretty bad. You can take part in holidays without forgetting those no longer with us--it doesn't make you a bad person. Heck, if you feel like it, make a donation of time or money or something in their memory to a cause they would have supported.

There are lots of ways to pull yourself out of holiday depression; but it takes a little work, and it takes a little faith.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Mithrea]

I understand :hugz:

[Pan]

Okay, listen...the holidays are what you make them. My mother died the week before Yule in 2000, my husband's father died on December 13th in 1993. I never had a normal Christmas or birthday from the time I was 13 to the time I was 30, and had an abusive childhood and an abusive first marriage. Do I mourn that? Yeah. Does it stop me from making things different now? No.

The first thing I did when I left my ex was to start buying myself flowers--he never bought them for me, so I decided since I loved flowers, I'd buy them. Then I started tentatively celebrating holidays again--it felt awkward at first, but after a couple years, it was fun.

I spent one Thanksgiving on the bread line--behind the line, rather--helping serve the homeless and hungry. It taught me a lot, and it made me feel like I was contributing. If you're kids are at their father's this year for Christmas, maybe that would be something that you could do--volunteer to help others, make yourself feel like you've done something wonderful and productive.

I miss my mother, Sam misses his father, but they wouldn't want us to stop having fun, to stop enjoying ourselves just because they're gone. That probably would make them feel pretty bad. You can take part in holidays without forgetting those no longer with us--it doesn't make you a bad person. Heck, if you feel like it, make a donation of time or money or something in their memory to a cause they would have supported.

There are lots of ways to pull yourself out of holiday depression; but it takes a little work, and it takes a little faith.

Yasmine :colorful:


Couldn't have said it better than Yasmine, there.

[BluDreamer]

I just don't understand why the one person who at least tried to make my holidays special had to take his life... It's so hard to get over the feeling I got the day my mom called and told me he hung himself.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I just don't understand why the one person who at least tried to make my holidays special had to take his life... It's so hard to get over the feeling I got the day my mom called and told me he hung himself.

Blu, hon...you're not mourning the holidays so much as a death that still leaves you questioning 'why?' And sadly, there's never any bandage or potion we can take to make the pain go away. You may never know the reasons why he did what he did--that's probably the hardest pill to take. I guess what I'm saying is, you have to find a new paradigm for holidays now--your kids are going to look to you to make it good for them, and maybe you can find some joy in that. Sometimes giving is the best panacea to loss, especially when we're confused about that loss. Have you looked for a support group for people who've lost loved ones to suicide? They might be able to help. I think there should be internet ones, too.

Hugs,
Yasmine

[Moon Daughter]

in a way, i also dread holidays.
although it's been 6 years since i have left my home country, every time christmas time comes, i feel empty and nostalgic, that's the time when my big extended family, whom i love very veyr much would get together...
and it feels very empty without them.
Yule,2002 - i spent in the hospital after losing my pregnancy and having the father of the unborn baby ( who apparetly loved me very much) tell that 1) if i miscarry, he'll hate for the rest of my life; 2) if i DO give birth, he'll go through all the courts and make sure that i do not have the custody of my own child. i was 19 and my parents did not support the idea of me having a baby. so, although i was in a lot of pain ( physically and emotionally), not a word of support or care came from my parents. in fact, it was time for a family vacation. since my sisters did not know about had happened to me, acc. to my parents, they did not need to know, and so i was to go with them and 'have a great time'.
it was a week of feeling my heart break every second of the day while not having any time to be alone and cry.
chirstmas 2003- new years. me and family went to mexico. the man i was with at the time brought a girl over to my place while i was at school, and did it with her in my own bed.
.... i can go on about all the things that go wrong during the time when are 'supposed' to be having fun.

but you know waht...every year i hope it will be different. i hope that somehow, it will be better, and special.

think of it this way. yes, you used to spend the holidays with your husband and his big family.
but you left him, it was your own choice. Big is not always happy. sometimes big is simply 'full of empty space', while small , you and your children, is you and the ones you really love.
this upcoming christmas, you'll feel the change, and maybe that's what you are fearing...but think of it this way, would you have rather prefered for it to be the way it has been before? with the violent husband?

[BluDreamer]

Blu, hon...you're not mourning the holidays so much as a death that still leaves you questioning 'why?' And sadly, there's never any bandage or potion we can take to make the pain go away. You may never know the reasons why he did what he did--that's probably the hardest pill to take. I guess what I'm saying is, you have to find a new paradigm for holidays now--your kids are going to look to you to make it good for them, and maybe you can find some joy in that. Sometimes giving is the best panacea to loss, especially when we're confused about that loss. Have you looked for a support group for people who've lost loved ones to suicide? They might be able to help. I think there should be internet ones, too.

Hugs,
Yasmine

Well, I never really had any support... not even from my husband. I grew up with Jim in my life, my ex knew him only for the couple of years with me. My ex decided to be more consumed into his own grief, rather than trying to understand the way I feeling. So, nope... never had any support... I wasn't even allowed friends to talk to. Nobody understood, or tried to. So I dealt with it, it has gotten better. It only comes afloat during this season, though.

I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, really... or expect anyone else to. I just would like others who feel the same about the holidays to come out and share, so they will not feel alone. I know i don't want to feel alone during these holidays.


think of it this way. yes, you used to spend the holidays with your husband and his big family.
but you left him, it was your own choice. Big is not always happy. sometimes big is simply 'full of empty space', while small , you and your children, is you and the ones you really love.
this upcoming christmas, you'll feel the change, and maybe that's what you are fearing...but think of it this way, would you have rather prefered for it to be the way it has been before? with the violent husband?

I know this year I will beable to experience the holidays the way I want to... it may not be perfect... or the way it used to be... but I will be with my children, and I am thankful 100 percent to have them. They are what keeps me going and I do everything for them. I may be struggling right now... but atleast... little by little- i'll get there. And someday, we will have a beautiful, peaceful, perfect Christmas. I know things will get better. It will take time and alot of courage.

My ex tries to bring up the holidays, and asks "Why don't we get back togeather so we can spend Christmas like a family again... " Blah, blah... tries to talk me into taking him back. I won't do it. I don't want to go through it all over again... no, no, no.

Thank you.

[BluDreamer]

Last night... (I work at a manufacturing company 3rd shift) 8 people in my department got laid off. 3 from my work station. My friend Nicole... omg... 30 people all togeather from 3rd shift. Mostly supplimentals... but a few permenents too.

In the morning they laid off the 1st shift people. Some cried right there. I felt their pain... I was very distrought and vague. 2nd shift is next. It affects everyone... they were our friends. We'll be very short handed now. The whole comapny is going down. I can't believe they're laying off hundreds throughout the company before the holidays.

I can't believe I'm still there... hanging around- like the rest that stayed. I feel like I shouldv'e gotten it too. But I can't help but to feel relieved that I still have my job. We're all just worrying about whether or not more are going to get it.

There was a guy from NJ who had came up here to work and get a house, to provide for his 5 kids... his family. There was a woman from Iran and her husband both were temps... they got it... they have 4 kids. Alot of them had kids.
:(

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Last night... (I work at a manufacturing company 3rd shift) 8 people in my department got laid off. 3 from my work station. My friend Nicole... omg... 30 people all togeather from 3rd shift. Mostly supplimentals... but a few permenents too.

In the morning they laid off the 1st shift people. Some cried right there. I felt their pain... I was very distrought and vague. 2nd shift is next. It affects everyone... they were our friends. We'll be very short handed now. The whole comapny is going down. I can't believe they're laying off hundreds throughout the company before the holidays.

I can't believe I'm still there... hanging around- like the rest that stayed. I feel like I shouldv'e gotten it too. But I can't help but to feel relieved that I still have my job. We're all just worrying about whether or not more are going to get it.

There was a guy from NJ who had came up here to work and get a house, to provide for his 5 kids... his family. There was a woman from Iran and her husband both were temps... they got it... they have 4 kids. Alot of them had kids.
:(

This sort of thing is going on all over the country. With the outsourcing of jobs, it's getting worse. I just wish companies would wait until after the holidays to do something like this, or at least try to make the layoffs in the summer when the heating bills aren't too high and so forth.

I'm sorry--it sucks. We've been there a lot ourselves over the past few years since my husband is a contract IT worker.

Yasmine :colorful:

[narleymarley03]

This year will be different for you and your children. Try to start your own traditions. Such as baking cookies or riding around looking at lights, decorating, playing games, making cards. Try to think of things you can do together, they don't have to be expensive. The idea of helping at a shelter sounds great, also nursing homes need visitors and helpers during the holidays. If the children are old enough they could help too. If you have to share the children with thier father work around his visit with him.