What do you do to get in the mood?

[Jackiedanielz]

Just curious. :heybaby:

I suffer from a really low libido, which I guess a lot of women do (or so say the articles I've read) so I was wondering, for those of you that have the same problem, what do you do?

[~BEBZ~]

I do too, and it's only gotten worse since I had another child.
Sex is very mental for women, for men it's more visual.
I would be satisfied with once a month. My husband on the other hand has to have it at least once a day. If he had his way it would be six! Anywho, I've found that it helps to start thinking about it for a while before it's time. Think about him caressing you and doing all those things you really like. The more you think about it, the hotter you get.

[Jackiedanielz]

Thanks Bebz, at least I'm not alone in all this!



What else do you people out there do?

[Shanti]

You aint alone.
Reason I dont want to...
tired is number one!!!!
tired is number 2!!!!
tired is number 3!!!!
With 2 hyper kids under 7 and critters, house and what not...I am tired!!

Need I say more.

[Jackiedanielz]

You aint alone.
Reason I dont want to...
tired is number one!!!!
tired is number 2!!!!
tired is number 3!!!!
With 2 hyper kids under 7 and critters, house and what not...I am tired!!

Need I say more.

So your in the same boat, what do you do to get with it?

[~BEBZ~]

If all else fails, try alcohol! :muwaha:

[Jackiedanielz]

If all else fails, try alcohol! :muwaha:

LOL! Then we'd be there for hours! :heybaby:
Unfortunately I don't drink much. But I can't say that it doesn't get me there! :devil:

[Shanti]

So your in the same boat, what do you do to get with it?
I could not help but laugh to myself....nothing, kinda.

Gosh its a mental thing for me.
First we both dont put expectations on how great it is. That way there is no worry about being 100%...less stress that way.
We do add play time..tickeling and stuff,,,,just to get my energy up and to laugh cause laughing feels good.
I understand that he is never to tired and has no clue how I feel...so I except we are differant. That helps with me not being resentful toward him.
We keep things very simple..add the play often and when I am not so darn tired..then we make up for all the time we settle for ok sex and then we eliminate the feelings of not enough effort being placed in the subject.

And we compromise a lot and work at not leaving one feeling resentful.

Mastering the quicky and making up for it occasional basically keeps us happy. :)

[Jackiedanielz]

That's great, Shanti! Its so busy here sometimes that we forget to play because there is so much to take care of.

[~BEBZ~]

I would also like to point out that my first suggestion is what I do when I want to enjoy it, and want to get in the mood. Regardless, 99% of the time I give it to him whether I'm in the mood or not. I knew his libido was much bigger than mine when I married him, I accepted that and decided that I wasn't going to deny him just because I was tired or not in the mood. Plus I figure when I hit 40 and the roles are reversed that he will have to do all he can to keep me satisfied.

The only time I say no to his nightly advances is when I just really don't feel well and can't possibly fathom in doing it. You would be surprised how fast you come around once your actually in the act. And just because you might not "get there" doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.

[Jackiedanielz]

I would also like to point out that my first suggestion is what I do when I want to enjoy it, and want to get in the mood. Regardless, 99% of the time I give it to him whether I'm in the mood or not. I knew his libido was much bigger than mine when I married him, I accepted that and decided that I wasn't going to deny him just because I was tired or not in the mood. Plus I figure when I hit 40 and the roles are reversed that he will have to do all he can to keep me satisfied.

The only time I say no to his nightly advances is when I just really don't feel well and can't possibly fathom in doing it. You would be surprised how fast you come around once your actually in the act. And just because you might not "get there" doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.

Oh very true but my SO knows when I'm not into it & I'm just doing it for him. He tries so hard to get me in the mood, and yes, once I'm there, its all good. But I never get the urges to do it every week. I can't deny that its not causing a lot of stress in my relationship because lately its taken its toll. Thing is he thinks its because of him, but I've been like this in all my relationships. And GODS I'm only 27. WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME. So I need to work on this, and I really miss being close to him. It just feels like I don't work down there at times. FRUSTRATING! :awilly:

[~BEBZ~]

Oh very true but my SO knows when I'm not into it & I'm just doing it for him. He tries so hard to get me in the mood, and yes, once I'm there, its all good. But I never get the urges to do it every week. I can't deny that its not causing a lot of stress in my relationship because lately its taken its toll. Thing is he thinks its because of him, but I've been like this in all my relationships. And GODS I'm only 27. WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME. So I need to work on this, and I really miss being close to him. It just feels like I don't work down there at times. FRUSTRATING! :awilly:
We have the same problem. And it has put a strain on things. We have also had many discussions about it. He too often thinks it's him. The best way I've found is to be completely honest about it. Tell him that no you don't always feel that way, but just because your not necessarily feeling up to it doesn't mean that you don't enjoy it when you do. Also tell him that it hurts you that you hurt him about it. Express your fears about your malfunctions, he will be a lot less likely to have problems with it in fear of hurting your feelings. Plus whenever we have those problems I've found that it helps to assuade his fear that it's him by re-confirming to him that he is the best you've ever had.

I wish I could give more advice about it. As I've said, it is a big problem with us too. Usually we go for months without a word about it, and then one night, he brings it up. There are tears and crap, and it's just a big mess that gets us out of the groove and makes things awkward for about a week and then things go back to being normal. Just keep in mind that the issue will probably pass. It won't stay gone, but it will pass.

[Jackiedanielz]

Well, today I ordered this book from amazon. Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0415935512/ref=pd_ecc_rvi_1/102-0755744-4643318) by Barry W. McCarthy. It seemed to have pretty good reviews, so I decided What the Heck! Anything can help!

[Muireannach]

I love playing litle games. As am example, he'll get up in the morning and "oops!" my robe is a little slack revealing too much, so when he goes to try and make a move I pretend not to notice what he's trying to do and go "oh! there's some pancake batter I have to use up!" quickly turning around making him all the more determined...

So then I will play this game the rest of the day, pretending not to notice my skirt is exposing too much when I bend over etc....by the end of the day I have a hungry hungry man.

You may wonder what this does for me, for me it gives me a feeling of power and I find it fun and amusing to lure him along all day. By the end of the day I feel sexually powerful and things get hot.

Good luck!

[LadyTrinity]

Hmm what to do? :whatgives
No for play.. believe me... fore play takes the mood out of it.. I like kissin... and then straight to the fun.. LET THE GAMES BEGIN lol... I wonder how long it will take for this thread to close :lol:

[Jackiedanielz]

I love playing litle games. As am example, he'll get up in the morning and "oops!" my robe is a little slack revealing too much, so when he goes to try and make a move I pretend not to notice what he's trying to do and go "oh! there's some pancake batter I have to use up!" quickly turning around making him all the more determined...

So then I will play this game the rest of the day, pretending not to notice my skirt is exposing too much when I bend over etc....by the end of the day I have a hungry hungry man.

You may wonder what this does for me, for me it gives me a feeling of power and I find it fun and amusing to lure him along all day. By the end of the day I feel sexually powerful and things get hot.

Good luck!


LOL! I can't even walk out of the room without him getting interested! But I need to feel sexy myself. This is why I started going to the gym. I figure if I feel good, I'll look good, and my esteem will be up. So you can say I've been slowing working on this. I also did it to get rid of the stress of work, home, his kids, etc.

I like this idea of playing with him, we haven't done that in a long time. :T

[Jackiedanielz]

Hmm what to do? :whatgives
No for play.. believe me... fore play takes the mood out of it.. I like kissin... and then straight to the fun.. LET THE GAMES BEGIN lol... I wonder how long it will take for this thread to close :lol:

well, as long as we keep it clean I don't see why it should
I'm sincerely looking for suggestions here

[FlyingBear]

Doing your part; in the child rearing, the housework, the shopping and the general day to day work seems to be great foreplay for a lot of harried women. The working women I know are *tired* and breastfeeding also keeps the drive way down.

Guys often comment to me how suprised they are when they do something and get nooky for it. LOL Imagine that! A clean house, dishes done and fed kids working better than wine and roses. Hmmm.....

THE SHOCK!

[HorseCrow]

I also have periods of up to a couple of months where my libido is low. What I have found out can help id when hubby turns me on- not by caress and whatnot, but by helping out with practical things. When he does the dishes, the groceries etc, then I have that much more energy by the end of the day and thus have a much easier tasks when it comes to finding my libido. Especially since he is so good at getting me to relax, with footrubs, massage and essential oils etc.
It also helps to be physical WITHOUT endning up with sex. Kiss and hug and caress, lie close and cuddle, but without always ending up with sex. Because if you know every time you touch, he expects sex, then you will avoid physical contact and that is no good for libido. So parctice at being intimate witout sex.
So, tell your SO, than instead of all the touching and so on, he can try helping you out in the house etc. Then he can move on to stuff like footrub, massage and then...... ooolala.

[KimberSly]

My libido is always low. I too could be fine with once a month but of course... boys will be boys. :lol:

I agree with whoever said to think about it in advance, instead of just jumping into it. Get the idea in your head... let it float around a bit... talk about it a little before hand.

[Ceres]

well i constantly tell my husband he is sexy when he is doing housework. its a joke between us that i put on this really turned on voice when he is doing dishes or sweeping and i say öh gods you are turning me ON!
there IS nothing sexier than a man helping out around the house, and there is nothing that makes YOU feel less sexy than heaps of resentment while u do everything. i found the best way to bring this about is NOT to whine beg and plead for help, but to stop whinging begging and pleading. nagging just made him feel less inclined to do stuff.
as to getting in the mood, i always take about 15 minutes in bed alone to switch gears. i need time to switch from mommy mode to wife mode. even if we are putting a movie on for the kids in the middle of the day and escaping to the bedroom, i still need this. this is physioloical thing - the hormones u need to mother your children clash with the ones u need for sexy wife wife mode.
i realized this back when my children were nursing babies. if my husband came and snuggled me while i was nursing a baby i wanted to turn around and tear flesh off his face ;) it would start the wrong hormones going and make me feel like jumping out of my skin.

[badkitty]

You mentioned self esteem, that is key for me. When I know I am lotioned and powdered and my skin feels smooth, and I smell great, I get much more into sex.

[LittlePerson]

Well, I'm probably in the minority here but I like watching "adult entertainment and pictures." (Don't want to use the real word in front of possible children.) I enjoy it just as much if not more than my man does. Also if part of the low libido is worrying if you are clean enough or smell nice enough, taking a shower together before is rather nice. Baths are wonderful too, though I don't have one. The playing is nice too. I don't know, I'm kind of like LT, in that I can basically skip the appetizers and move on to the main course, cause I'm always hungry if you know what I mean. No need to warm the engine, well you know. That doesn't always mean I'm ready mentally, just physically, guess I'm just fortunate there but it doesn't always help the rest of my day. OOh, day dreaming really helps me. When I'm bored that works to keep me happy during the day and sometimes really gets me so revved up that I'll come home and don't mind just doing something for him. We women don't really need to "get it on" all of the time like men do, so just doing things for him, when you don't feel much like it yourself can help. Just warm yourself up mentally first. But one caution if you don't want to do something you will hate yourself for doing it anyway and that can be bad for the next time you really want to because those bad feelings of bitterness can arise if you feel that he doesn't care enough to make you not do something you don't want to do. I have listened to some "dirty" music or just soothing music before hand. Something that helps me again visualize our togetherness. Like it's been said for guys it's more visual and and for us more emotional. Try having him massage your back and wherever else he ends up first. It can be relaxing. The exercise helps to as it makes you feel more sexy. 'k that's all I have time to contribute. Hope it helps.

[diamondtiger]

Have you given thought to the idea that maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to “preform”? I know that may sound silly, but thinking about it and worrying that he'll be disappointed, or that he'll think it's him when it's “really not”... Wondering “what's wrong with me?” These thoughts and concerns add a tremendous amount of stress to an already stressful day/life. Stress is a #1 mood killer for sure, or I should say mood suppressor. Strange, but sex is also one of the BEST ways to relieve stress. lol Sometimes I think of it as stress relieving sex and have actually asked for it bluntly as that a time or two. Once I was sooo far gone with the stress from an awful day, I wanted to scream and rip off the next head that came into the room. It happened to be my SO who entered, so I took a deep breath and said (as calmly as possible) “Can we have some sex relieving stress tonight?” That alone turned the whole day around, because I couldn't help but laugh at the way it came out. Genuine laughter got us both in the mood, and I have to admit it was better than it has been for a long time.

Try to find a way to relax. (Here's what I do.) When he gets home, turn the house and everything in it over to him. I don't mean the second he walks through the door. After dinner is good. Leave the dirty dishes in the sink, let him deal with the kids and critters, and have some YOU time. Tell him that you don't want to be disturbed. My SO tells the kids I went to the store or for a walk, so they won't come whining at the door. Take a hot bath with lots of bubbles and salts. Turn the lights off and light those candles. Scented candles and bubbles do wonders for a persons mood. Make this YOU time a sort of ritual. Prepare every thing you'll want or need BEFORE you even run your bath. Get your drink (if you want one). I usually sip herbal tea- Jasmine is a favorite. Arrange the candles, put your body wash and shampoo with in easy reach, get your loofah or sponge, set the razor in a convent location. Prepare your bath, light the candles and do what YOU want to do.

Take as much time as you need. I've been known to lock myself away for over an hour, replacing the water when it gets cold. The point is to relax. Meditate and if you WANT to get in the mood, think about the two of you together. One time after I finished my soak, my SO asked with a smile “What do you do while you're in there?” Hmmmm... I told him that I enjoy myself and left it at that. ;) Kinda gets both of our imaginations going then. I see no need to disappoint him with the boring reality... “I shave my legs.” Besides, it helps me to know that he's thinking of ME and getting turned on.

[misschief]

You aint alone.
Reason I dont want to...
tired is number one!!!!
tired is number 2!!!!
tired is number 3!!!!
With 2 hyper kids under 7 and critters, house and what not...I am tired!!

Need I say more.same here, but.. add 2 more hyper kids. lol. i saw lots of posts that are me exactly. i am solely responsible for every bit of housework, laundry, errands, cooking, and everything involved with taking care of 4 little boys.. including every single karate lesson, every shower and bath, every fingernail cutting, every haircut, every everything. and.. it is the most irritating thing in the world... especially when he just sits here on the computer or watching tv, expecting me to do all of that. that's probably my big issue, he doesn't deserve it.. and i have too many other things to do to care. when i was a little younger i was diagnosed with a sex addiction.. well, i found the cure for that i guess, huh? lmao.

[Jackiedanielz]

All of your advice here has been great! I get very resentful that I have to do all the house work and watch HIS kids every weekend. We've talked about it & he realizes how frustrated I get & has been coming around, slowly but its a start. There's nothing better than coming home & seeing that the kitchen is no longer being taken over by nasty dishes!

We don't have any "movies" in the house, yet. Think we may need to make a trip to the "fun" store one day, so we are both involved in it.

I always forget to relax in my tub. My SO knows when I need my bath time, but when I get out in 10 minutes, he looks at my like I'm crazy. So, I must go purchase my favorite wine and prepare my tub like how I used to.

Sometimes if I think about sex throughout the day I feel pressured into doing it later that night. So it ruins it for me, making it more like a chore than play time. But I think its the way I'm thinking about it. This is supposed to be fun & enjoyable. Something only us share together.

Thanks to everyone. Keep them suggestions coming!

[Mab]

ok, well, I don't have this problem, being a total nympho about my SO & just adoring everything.......but, I wanted to mention, if it hasn't already been mentioned, that some of the issues with lagging libidos are also hormonal. So, you might mention it to your doc. If your hormones are out of whack, it can cause that huge decrease in desire.

[Athena-Nadine]

I rarely say no to my husband, regardless of how tired I am. The only exceptions have been the few occasions that I've had a migraine, and when I was dealing with the emotional strain of miscarrying a few months ago. Often I'm tired and not in the mood to begin with. But I've found that by making the decision to have sex with him anyway, I'm always much happier afterwards than if I had just said no. But then, I think the close, physical contact is extremely important to the health of our relationship. I think it's just as important as love, trust, communication, and respect, because it contains them all.

[LittlePerson]

I've also thought of something else I think no one has mentioned. How about lingerie? It helps me, even it it's nothing fancy, which I can't afford fancy anyhow. Wear what you know he likes if it's within reason for your comfort zone and know that he's getting his kicks in seeing you in it, and that's something you can do over and over is wear lingerie. It makes you feel sexy knowing he thinks you are. It helps too if he tells you or talks to you in a way that gets you ready for more. Or, try doing a little chatting or browsing online with him and tell each other what looks or sounds good. Just talking about it together can help. Also, if you like, along with lingerie is costumes or wigs. I've recently noticed I like wigs, perhaps too much, but they help me come out of my shell and I can act like someone else if I want to. Hmm, perhaps we can write a mw self help book on this topic. Heehee.

[Jackiedanielz]

I've also thought of something else I think no one has mentioned. How about lingerie? It helps me, even it it's nothing fancy, which I can't afford fancy anyhow. Wear what you know he likes if it's within reason for your comfort zone and know that he's getting his kicks in seeing you in it, and that's something you can do over and over is wear lingerie. It makes you feel sexy knowing he thinks you are. It helps too if he tells you or talks to you in a way that gets you ready for more. Or, try doing a little chatting or browsing online with him and tell each other what looks or sounds good. Just talking about it together can help. Also, if you like, along with lingerie is costumes or wigs. I've recently noticed I like wigs, perhaps too much, but they help me come out of my shell and I can act like someone else if I want to. Hmm, perhaps we can write a mw self help book on this topic. Heehee.


:hehehehe: We haven't gotten to the role playing yet, baby steps. Can't say I don't think about it though. I'm wondering if my Elvira wig from Samhain would do the trick! LOL

[Xentor]

Dr. Phil once said: if you feel like your husband wants it every day or even more than that, and you don't, call him out. Let him show what he's got. See if he's actually up to his own expectations. More than likely, they're not.

More often than not, intimate partners have different needs. Talk about it. Tell each other what you expect and compromise.

[Valkie]

LOL! I can't even walk out of the room without him getting interested! But I need to feel sexy myself. This is why I started going to the gym. I figure if I feel good, I'll look good, and my esteem will be up. So you can say I've been slowing working on this. I also did it to get rid of the stress of work, home, his kids, etc.

I like this idea of playing with him, we haven't done that in a long time. :T

Alright alright.... you got me thinking with this post :D. Good self image is important to your sex drive. If you feel like you're the hottest thing in the room, it projects to others and improves the way that you see yourself.

I know that there are others that have bigger self esteem issues than I do. but everyone has something about the way that they look that really bugs them... for me it's my baby belly. It's not really fat, just a lot of extra skin that's covered in stretch marks so it wrinkles. :blech: But there is one thing that I love doing that just makes me feel great about myself.

Stand nekkid infront of the biggest mirror you have in the house. You have to try to keep yourself unbias... I know, difficult. Actually look at yourself. As body parts, as a whole, sideways, front view... whatever. What do you like about yourself... what do you not like... (I say not like because hate is such a strong word when your talking about yourself ... expecially if it's something that you can't change.) Accept yourself.

Next, change your POV. Look at yourself as if you were looking at someone else (it helps if you don't look at your face). Try to see yourself as others see you. Next, change your POV again... try to look at yourself as your SO looks at you.

When your done with the nekkid part, grab your favorite pair of pants... everyone has got a pair of these... the ones that just look great on you... and repeat the excersize.

Next, put on your favorite bra and repeat the process.

Next, favorite shirt and repeat.

Honest, if you're able to get this in even twice a week it does wonders for how you feel. I know that I'm not the sexiest, or the best looking thing on the planet... but when I get ready to go out, or am able to get this excersize in, I feel like I am the sexiest thing on the planet.

When I feel like the sexiest thing on the planet, I want to prove it. :smoke:

[BrigidMoon]

Okay. Getting in the mood. I don't usually have this problem. LOL.

Depends on what you like and what makes you feel good.

Do you feel beautiful? Sexy? If not, what makes you feel that way?

For me, I like to get a nice hot shower and put on a slinky nightgown. OR just be flirtaeous with my soulmate. :)

[Jackiedanielz]

I like the mirror thing Valkie, gonna have to give it a shot!

I think its mostly that I don't get the urges that bothers me & my SO the most. But mostly me because it effects my relationships so much. Every thing was great when we first started going out but a few years have past and its like we've been married for 40 years. I don't want him to think that this is what's its always going to be like.

Now, when I am willing to perform I wonder why we don't do this all the time. But then after that it becomes a chore. Not a good thing. I just wish I understood why I am like this. Because its not like I don't like it, its not like I'm not attracted to him because I so am, its just that ... I don't know. It sometimes feel like theres nothing going on down there. Like I'm not a woman. Geez, I'm 27, never been married, no kids what's up?

So I'm trying to work on it, because its the one thing missing in my relationship & man, I don't want to hit my PRIME and not enjoy it. If my SO & I get married I want us to enjoy each other, and we don't even do that now while we're dating. And its all because of me. It puts a lot of pressure on me, which might be causing the problem.

I'm telling you all now, your suggestions will not go unnoticed, I intend to try them ALL! Thank you so much for helping me out.

:abbed:

[arctic splash]

Sex is very mental for women, for men it's more visual.


This reminds me. My ex once got totally turned on when I started talking about 'overturning the deterministic Newtonian paradigm'. Maybe she was faking it, but she really seemed to be turned on! (Actually, though, it's a turn on to know that such things turn her on.)

[Temptation]

I started talking about 'overturning the deterministic Newtonian paradigm'.

Stop it! You're killing me!! :)

This is very true though, some women go nuts for a man with brains.
And this includes yours truly. :)