How do you give up your dream?

[~BEBZ~]

When I was a young child I used to want six kids, just like my grandparents. Then I upped it to like twelve. After I grew up and decided that the world is way too overpopulated and large families are a bad thing I settled on two. I wanted a boy and a girl, but more than anything I wanted a girl.

Well when I got pregnant for the first time I just knew it was a boy. I was alright with that. I really wanted a girl, but I figured I had another shot at one, so baby boy was just fine. After I got married and my husband and I decided to get pregnant we both wanted a girl so bad. As I said during my first I could just tell it was a boy, but during my second, the pregnancy wasn't anywhere near the same, so we figured it was a girl. For the first six months we called my belly Jasmine. And then when we went in for my second ultrasound the doc asked if we wanted to know the sex. We said sure, that we knew it was a girl anyway but go ahead. She said sorry to disappoint you but it's a boy. I was so devastated. I cried for about a week. Then after he was born I loved him so much.

I figured that even though we only wanted two children that in a few years he might want to try for the girl we both wanted so much. Well I was wrong. I had broached the subject a few times and the answer was usually no, but maybe I'll feel different after a while. Or maybe. But last night I got a solid confirmation of NO he did not want any more children. He says we can't afford or handle the two we have. I know he's right, but I had my heart settled on a little girl. I'm so lost with boys. I grew up an only child with my mother. My father was never around.

I keep having dreams of a curly little red headed girl that looks like me. It's really hard. I'm grieving over the loss of someone I never had. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over it. Just writing this is making me cry. I don't know what to do. How do you give up your dreams like that? Just accepting the fact that my dream is over is hard. This is something that I have wanted more than anything else in the world.

[violet rain]

ohh huggss I don't know hon maybe he will eventually come around

[Valkie]

Honestly... I don't know.

Ever since my first, Both me and hubby wanted a girl... time after time they were boys... I've got 3. I really don't know how I came to the decision not to try for that girl... I think it has something to do with understanding why I wanted a girl so much... what made having a girl so much more important than having a healthy child...

I'm sure that part of it was the fact that my last son was born with a heart defect... facing the possible death of your newborn has a tendicy of putting things in perspective. Part of it was accepting that I wasn't able to do everything... how much was I willing to sacrifice on the hope that maybe one of these times there would be the correct chromosomes. .... and part of it was facing my own demons.

anyways... there is no way that anyone can tell you that you have to give up your dream... that is something that only you can decide. Just remember, what ever you do, do it for the reasons that are right for you.

[Ceres]

u dont give up your dream :) i really believe that mothers sense when they havent yet met one of their children. i know i definitely had the feeling that everyone wasnt here yet after my first and second babies. you KNOW there is someone still waiting to join you. dont worry, there is more than one way to skin a cat ;) your daughter will find u one way or another - life always has surprises for us.
my husband said no more babies too at one point - but he didnt go get a vasectomy either. i am not suggesting u try to get pregnant knowing he doesnt want more, i am just saying that he hasnt really decided till he has done something drastic like that. and even then, well, a child who wants to be born WILL be born.
i dont buy the over population problem argument either. there is evidence now that north american populations need to be bolstered or our economy will have trouble later.

[xmezumiiru]

If you really want a girl, and have your heart set on physical features, try adoption. You're gaurenteed a girl, and you will not have to wrestle with the overpopulation variable. There are lots of government subsudies and grants for adoptive parents, such as huge tax writeoffs and college pre-financing/grants.

One of my closest friends was adopted and I never knew until I asked why she didn't look like her parents. She was treated just like any other kid. The capacity of love does not stop/start at conception/birth.

[Gypsy Vanner]

It does not appear that there is an equal share of power in this relationship. While the decision to have another child should definitely be a joint decision, why does he automatically get the power to veto? If the objections are financial, there are more than enough ways to compromise luxuries or make investments to accomodate a third child. But I suspect the financial excuse is an excuse rather than the primary reason he is attempting to squelch your dream.

There is always a way to compromise on any issue, and a relationship should be about compromises, not one partner proposing ideas and the other partner approving or vetoing them. If he is unwilling to discuss the options at all, I would say the relationship is more controlling than healthy.

[CeSeun]

*Huggs* Don't give up on your dreams. You never know what is in store for you down the road a bit. My husband right now is telling me we can't have another child also. I dreamed of having a girl (who is now 3 1/2) and a boy. I will not give up on that dream, until the day I breathe my last breath. I also believe when you stop looking for it, it will come to you. That is how I finally got pregnant with Morgan. I feel in my heart I am to have a boy next. When - I don't know, but the time will come, and when it does it will be right. So take a deep breath, and know that your dream doesn't have to be given up totally. Maybe just postponed a bit. Life is full of surprises, you never know!

[HorseCrow]

Don't give up. Give it some time and see what happens. :hugz:

But be prepared- when your 2 first children are of the same gender, then there is a 80% chance the third child will also be the same gender (boy in your case).

[Ceres]

Don't give up. Give it some time and see what happens. :hugz:

But be prepared- when your 2 first children are of the same gender, then there is a 80% chance the third child will also be the same gender (boy in your case).

another bit of fascinating birth trivia! my parents had five girls before they finally had a boy. they werent trying for a boy, there were just good catholics ;) incidentally, that boy was my older brother- they actually went on to have one more and had ANOTHER girl lol.

BEBZ - the girl u are waiting to meet might come to you another way besides being born to you - and she might not be with you untill both you and she are older.

Gypsey - i think when a person definitely doesnt want to have another baby and they are certain about that then they shouldnt compromise. there are some things on which ppl should never compromise. it only leads to resentment and frustration, for both parties! i do agree that communication is important and sometimes when the reluctant party isnt definite, there IS room for compromise. as you say, finacial sacrifices, or perhaps an agreement to change the way they share other obligations.

[soilsigh aingeal]

:hugz: Maybe, right now finances are tight, but you don't know that within a few years, things won't turn around. If that is the only reason, he doesn't want to have another baby, does not mean it's out the window...

[Ceallach]

Bebz, I feel the exact same way. I have two boys of my own and one stepson. So I have three boys. With my youngest, I thought he was a girl, I was so sure, just because it was what I wanted. Well, I spent the whole day of the ultrasound crying too.

I wish I had some advice, but I don't. I like Radikal's response about your daughter finding you. I sure hope my daughter is out there too.

Does he know how very much you want this? Does he care? I understand about the financial aspect, believe me, but I would sacrifice just about anything for my little girl.

Hugs!! :hugz: