Athena-Nadine
November 9th, 2004, 01:13 PM
...yesterday.
I don't know why this should come as a surprise to me; I've been walking on egg shells in that place for a year and a half, since Doobie and I started seeing each other. So now I've finally lost my job. And over what? Not my work performance, not even the fact that I'm married to another employee. I lost my job over a stupid email that I sent two months ago while trying to cheer up someone who was going through an extremely rough time. Supposedly, it violated sexual harrassment policies. *...shakes head...* It was nothing but two pictures of lions roaring at each other, and it violated sexual harrassment policies. *...sighs...* It just goes to show that not everyone is going to se things the way I do. I thought it was perfectly innocent. I guess not.
I've never been fired before. I've been laid off a couple of times, but this is different. This is a huge blow to my ego, and my self-confidence.
So now I'm sitting here, beating myself up over it. I know I need to let it go, but I can't seem to stop being angry with myself. Gods, I just hope that this isn't a sign that Doobie's going to get fired as well. We can make it witout my salary, even though it will be a bit difficult for a while, but if he gets fired too, we'll come really close to losing everything, since he makes 5x the amount of money that I did. I hope I'm just being paranoid. After all, he was out of town when I sent the email to Amanda, and he had nothing to do with it. But they've had issues with the fact that we're together for over a year now.
So many things may have just been changed by nothing but me sending Amanda an idiotic email. So many plans may have just gone to shit. Children. Gods, we might have to put off having children now. Doobie's going to be 37 years old in April. I'm almost 32. Sure, I'm fairly young, but neither of us wants to get much older before having children. I have enough issues with pregnancy as it is. I don't need my age adding to them. And neither of us wants to be too old to keep up with our children as they get older. 37 doesn't sound like a big deal until you start adding children, and their respective ages and needs into it.
Which leads up to, "What do I do?" Sure, I could get another job. But do I go back into Sales? Do I just find another Assistant job? Do I just Temp, since I don't need to worry about medical insurance? While Temping sounds nice and all, because I wouldn't have to worry about leaving someone in possibly less than a year to be a SAHM, it doesn't guarantee work or a paycheck. Who knows how often I'll actually get assignments? But then, with the way things are right now, who knows how long it would take me to find another job? References aren't a problem. My ex-boss already told me he'd give me whatever references I needed since it had nothing to do with my work performance. If I go back to Sales, I can make my own hours, but the honest truth is that I'll end up working more than 60 hours a week for at least the first 6 months until I rebuild my client base. I can make a lot of money, but it'll take time, and I may not make any money for months.
Honestly, at this point, I'm so fed up and depressed about it all that I don't even want to work at all right now. Right now, I'd much rather stay home and cook, take care of the house, and everything we never have time for with both of us working.
*...sighs...* This too shall pass. I just have to figure out what I want/need to do. Sweet Doobie. He's decided that he'll leave it up to me, if possible. He told me to just take the rest of this week and not worry about anything, to just relax. He agrees I should make any decisions in the state of mind I'm in now. So now I have to spend the rest of this week fighting the Depression and the demon's voices that are trying to get a grip on me again. I've been doing so well for so long. I don't know if I could stand to lose control of my Depression now. *...pauses...* And now I'm jumping at shadows. My own house, the one place I feel secure in this world, and every little noise is making me paranoid. *...shakes head...* I just went and checked that all the doors are locked, and now I'm debating whether I should set the house alarm. It's been disarmed since Doobie left this morning.
*...sighs...* Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Maybe if I say it often enough, I'll actually start to believe it again.
Sorry, I'll stop rambling now.
I don't know why this should come as a surprise to me; I've been walking on egg shells in that place for a year and a half, since Doobie and I started seeing each other. So now I've finally lost my job. And over what? Not my work performance, not even the fact that I'm married to another employee. I lost my job over a stupid email that I sent two months ago while trying to cheer up someone who was going through an extremely rough time. Supposedly, it violated sexual harrassment policies. *...shakes head...* It was nothing but two pictures of lions roaring at each other, and it violated sexual harrassment policies. *...sighs...* It just goes to show that not everyone is going to se things the way I do. I thought it was perfectly innocent. I guess not.
I've never been fired before. I've been laid off a couple of times, but this is different. This is a huge blow to my ego, and my self-confidence.
So now I'm sitting here, beating myself up over it. I know I need to let it go, but I can't seem to stop being angry with myself. Gods, I just hope that this isn't a sign that Doobie's going to get fired as well. We can make it witout my salary, even though it will be a bit difficult for a while, but if he gets fired too, we'll come really close to losing everything, since he makes 5x the amount of money that I did. I hope I'm just being paranoid. After all, he was out of town when I sent the email to Amanda, and he had nothing to do with it. But they've had issues with the fact that we're together for over a year now.
So many things may have just been changed by nothing but me sending Amanda an idiotic email. So many plans may have just gone to shit. Children. Gods, we might have to put off having children now. Doobie's going to be 37 years old in April. I'm almost 32. Sure, I'm fairly young, but neither of us wants to get much older before having children. I have enough issues with pregnancy as it is. I don't need my age adding to them. And neither of us wants to be too old to keep up with our children as they get older. 37 doesn't sound like a big deal until you start adding children, and their respective ages and needs into it.
Which leads up to, "What do I do?" Sure, I could get another job. But do I go back into Sales? Do I just find another Assistant job? Do I just Temp, since I don't need to worry about medical insurance? While Temping sounds nice and all, because I wouldn't have to worry about leaving someone in possibly less than a year to be a SAHM, it doesn't guarantee work or a paycheck. Who knows how often I'll actually get assignments? But then, with the way things are right now, who knows how long it would take me to find another job? References aren't a problem. My ex-boss already told me he'd give me whatever references I needed since it had nothing to do with my work performance. If I go back to Sales, I can make my own hours, but the honest truth is that I'll end up working more than 60 hours a week for at least the first 6 months until I rebuild my client base. I can make a lot of money, but it'll take time, and I may not make any money for months.
Honestly, at this point, I'm so fed up and depressed about it all that I don't even want to work at all right now. Right now, I'd much rather stay home and cook, take care of the house, and everything we never have time for with both of us working.
*...sighs...* This too shall pass. I just have to figure out what I want/need to do. Sweet Doobie. He's decided that he'll leave it up to me, if possible. He told me to just take the rest of this week and not worry about anything, to just relax. He agrees I should make any decisions in the state of mind I'm in now. So now I have to spend the rest of this week fighting the Depression and the demon's voices that are trying to get a grip on me again. I've been doing so well for so long. I don't know if I could stand to lose control of my Depression now. *...pauses...* And now I'm jumping at shadows. My own house, the one place I feel secure in this world, and every little noise is making me paranoid. *...shakes head...* I just went and checked that all the doors are locked, and now I'm debating whether I should set the house alarm. It's been disarmed since Doobie left this morning.
*...sighs...* Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Maybe if I say it often enough, I'll actually start to believe it again.
Sorry, I'll stop rambling now.