Help with daughter

[Faeawyn]

I'm at my wits end with my daughter. She'll be 12 in February and she's a complete lazy slob. She takes absolutely NO pride in her appearance. She started middle school this year and I thought she'd improve....but no. She has P.E. last period, but this morning, I woke up to find her in her dirty baggy P.E. uniform for school. She has an entire wardrobe of Old Navy and name brand clothes....and she's in her dingy P.E. uniform because it was laying on the floor and was the easiest to put on. Plus, she NEVER brushes her hair. I've threatened her countless times to cut it....she cries and begs me not to, so I give her one more chance over and over. This morning, she had a knotted mess pulled back in a low slung pony tail. When she saw me, she immediately jumped up and pulled out the scrunchy stating she had to brush it. When I asked her why she hadn't, she made up an excuse of having no time. She had been watching cartoons!!! I, of course, said no more tv in the morning. I just don't know what to do. Her teeth never look brushed. She says she brushes them, but I guess I'd have to sit and watch her to be certain, because they are yucky. I don't want to have to get up every morning at 6:30am just to surpervise her. When is she going to start taking an active interest in her appearance. What can I do?

[DragonsChest]

This is a tough one. On the one hand, some people just are, by nature, not as fussed by their appearance as others. On the other hand, maybe she's scared or nervous about her budding venture into womanhood and is trying to cover up the proof of it. Is there anything going on at school that would have caused her to decide "she wasn't worth the effort" of taking care of herself? Maybe a boy she liked turned out to be a jerk and she's reacting badly to it.

I hope she talks to you and lets you know what's on her mind. I'll be sending you good thoughts and lots of energy to deal. :hearteyes

[Faeawyn]

Thanks DC. Actually, she's been dying for her "boobs" to come in. Right now, she's just "budding", and I have to still make sure that she wears a bra. Sometimes, she doesn't just because it's too much trouble to put on. She's a wonderful, over sensitive, emotional child....Someone else pm'd me with the suggestion that something may be happening at school. It trigged some stuff in me...for instance, I had to pick her up Monday with an upset stomach....2nd time in a month.
I just called the school counselor. She's going to meet with my daughter to talk to her this afternoon and get back to me. I feel horrible now. If someone else is making her feel bad at school....I sure didn't help matters this morning. I was angry and said some horrible things. The words "lazy" and "slob" were thrown around....I feel so bad now :wah:

[Lady Jade]

Faeawyn,

I had this same thing with my daughter. I hope there is not a problem in school with your daughter. If not, you could try what we did to solve this problem with my daughter at age 11.

We made a big deal of a girl's day out. We planned ahead and saved for it (got some donations from Grandma and Grandpa too), marked it on the calendar. When the day came, we got up in the morning and showered (not together, LOL), brushed teeth and hair together, then left for our appointment at a local salon. We each got a massage, facial, haircut, then professional makeup. We asked a lot of questions about the proper way to care for our skin and hair and got good instruction from each stylist about how to keep the look up with minimal time involved. Time was always her excuse...

Feeling pretty good about ourselves, we drove over to Walmart and chose some beauty items...deodorant, hair gel/mousse, toothpaste, teeth whitener, makeup. I let her pick her own stuff to keep in her room that would be hers alone. I did the same (greedily). Having her own stuff to care for herself really helped get the point across of personal hygeine (sp). I was honest with her that without deodorant, she was smelly, even if she couldn't smell it herself, others could.

After, we went shopping for appropriate evening dresses together...this was the part I had a time with her about. Alex was well endowed and adult sized even at age 11, so she wanted to dress slutty to show off her assets. We were painfully honest with each other about how we looked in each clothing choice and helped each other choose something we could feel good wearing. (mom, you look stupid in that!!)

Afterwards, we went out to a real grown up dinner wearing our new outfits, hairstyles and makeup...just the two of us. Over dinner, we talked about how good it felt to be pampered and taken care of and confident with our appearances. This girls day out was a turning point for her, maybe it could be for you too.

I hope everything is otherwise fine with school and her personal life. Honestly, the day we spent together brought us closer and she told me all about her life away from me. Feeling like mom is a friend can be very important, especially at her age...she may feel overwhelmed by what is expected of her, being on the verge of growing up...no longer a child, not really a woman.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

[Deranged Hermit]

Erm, I'm not sure why you don't want to get up at 6:30, but if you did get up with her, it might make her feel better about her routine, and she might even talk to you about stuff that's on her mind...just my 2 cents

[DragonsChest]

I sure didn't help matters this morning. I was angry and said some horrible things. The words "lazy" and "slob" were thrown around....I feel so bad now

DO NOT do that to yourself. Stop right now and breathe.

You are only human and we don't react like Carol Brady or Shirley Partridge or Donna Reed. We are real people and have real issues. Yes, those were probably hurtful things, but you were also hurt at the time you said them, by her seemingly indifferent attitude towards you. All you can do now is apologize to her for saying unkind things, and then MOVE ON. Use it to remind you the next time you feel like saying stuff like that (and it will happen again, that's called LIFE).

I certainly pray there's nothing going on adverse at school. I remember my 6th-8th grade years, *shudder*, they were indescribably horrible.

Be there for her, listen to her, don't talk right away, let her spill it and then don't try to fix it immediately, because there's probably still more to it. (IF this has anything to do with school, and maybe it doesn't.) Just continue to listen and ask her how she would think it best to fix it. I never understood my Mom's agonized eyes when I was going through my bad time, because I thought she didn't have a clue how I felt and how could she ever understand. We hurt a million times more when it's our kids, and they never even know it, until they have their own children. I never knew how much my Mom hurt when I hurt.

Fae, honey, I will keep you and yours close to my heart and prayers.

[DragonsChest]

LadyJade, a wonderful idea!!

[diamondtiger]

I won't sit here and try to analyze anyone's behavior, co's I'm not qualified to do that. I am however experienced at being a teen (as many of us are lol). I remember going through that “I'm gonna do exactly what you DON'T want!” phase. Yep, from cleaning my room (or rather not), and wearing dirty clothes to, picking friends that I KNEW “you'd” hate. My mom had the perfect cure – for us anyway (I have 3 sisters). She called our bluff on EVERYTHING! It sounds harsh, and I was “super PO'ed” at the time. I thank her up and down for her “tough love” now.

She simply got tired of begging and being “nice”. One day, when I was about your daughters age, mom had spent ALL day cleaning our rooms and catching up on laundry. (after asking us for a month to do it) She told us that if we didn't have it done in a certain amount of time (she gave us 1 week) she'd “do it for us”, and she DID. While we decided that she wasn't serious and went to hang out with friends, mom went in with the Hefty bags! :holycow: After she “cleaned” our rooms, it was on to the laundry. By late evening she had finished and was exhausted. We were sitting out on the front lawn, when she came out and asked us politely to go and put our laundry away “right now”. We didn't do it of course, co's “we'll do it later, after our friends leave”. That wasn't what mom had in mind though. She waited all of 3 minutes (give or take a couple), then gathered the laundry in baskets, carried it outside and THREW it all over the yard (in front of our friends) underwear and all. Then said calmly, “Now you can pick up your clothes AND wash them”, and she walked back inside.

GAWD I love my mom!:hugz: We had other “issues” as teen-parent relationships go. But that was the day I learned to “pick my battles” with her. The woman wasn't afraid to enforce ANYTHING even though she's 4 inches shorter than me (and I'm the shortest of all 4 daughters). LOL She had a REALLY GREAT way to stop sibling fights dead in their tracks too. She MADE us SKIP up and down the street, HOLDING HANDS, saying “I LOVE YOU SISTER.” And she'd follow us to make sure we “did it right”.

:thewave: :woot:LET'S HEAR IT FOR MOM'S!!!!! :woot: :thewave:
:yourock:MOM! :fpompoms

[DragonsChest]

She sounds like a jewel!!!! Did your entire room go into the Hefty bag? :bouncysmi

[Athena-Nadine]

Fae, I don't have any advice for you, because I don't have children yet and have no idea what I would do in your situation, but I don't think you should beat yourself up so badly for it. _pounce_

[Faeawyn]

:hugz: Thank you so much everyone. I think a girls day out might be wonderful. I'm so anxious for her to get home now so I can apologize and we can talk :)

[diamondtiger]

She sounds like a jewel!!!! Did your entire room go into the Hefty bag? :bouncysmiAll but the basics. :lol: We got to keep our beds , dressers and closets. (they didn't fit in the bag.. ummm.. :rolleyes: ) EVERYTHING else went though... phone, tv, stereo. I kept my room CLEAN after that too! lol Oh, and as a reward, she told me that if I could keep it clean for an entire year, she'd buy me a horse. I did and I reminded her. So one day I come home from school and she says, "I've got a surprise for you." I'm all excited and I ask "Where is it?" She tells me to close my eyes, I do, she says "Open them", I do; and she's holding this figurine of a white stallion with a pink mane and tale! THAT was funny! Hey, I got my horse... :hehehehe:

[Faeawyn]

.

She simply got tired of begging and being “nice”. One day, when I was about your daughters age, mom had spent ALL day cleaning our rooms and catching up on laundry. (after asking us for a month to do it) She told us that if we didn't have it done in a certain amount of time (she gave us 1 week) she'd “do it for us”, and she DID. While we decided that she wasn't serious and went to hang out with friends, mom went in with the Hefty bags! :holycow: After she “cleaned” our rooms, it was on to the laundry. By late evening she had finished and was exhausted. We were sitting out on the front lawn, when she came out and asked us politely to go and put our laundry away “right now”. We didn't do it of course, co's “we'll do it later, after our friends leave”. That wasn't what mom had in mind though. She waited all of 3 minutes (give or take a couple), then gathered the laundry in baskets, carried it outside and THREW it all over the yard (in front of our friends) underwear and all. Then said calmly, “Now you can pick up your clothes AND wash them”, and she walked back inside.

GAWD I love my mom!:hugz: We had other “issues” as teen-parent relationships go. But that was the day I learned to “pick my battles” with her. The woman wasn't afraid to enforce ANYTHING even though she's 4 inches shorter than me (and I'm the shortest of all 4 daughters). LOL She had a REALLY GREAT way to stop sibling fights dead in their tracks too. She MADE us SKIP up and down the street, HOLDING HANDS, saying “I LOVE YOU SISTER.” And she'd follow us to make sure we “did it right”.

:thewave: :woot:LET'S HEAR IT FOR MOM'S!!!!! :woot: :thewave:
:yourock:MOM! :fpompoms
We had to do that to her room about 3-4 weeks ago. We pulled out 8 garbage bags of stuff.......junk. Old school papers, broken toys....you name it, she keeps it.

[LacyRoze]

I haven't had to deal with teenage girls,, yet. I am blessed with a 14yr old boy who has raging hormones and has apparently inherited his father's selective hearing. I too have had to "clean" his room and so far he seems to have gotten the message. Our battle now is he, for some unknown reason, decided to carve on my 50yr old end table. His father wanted to ground him, like that'll do anygood. I came up with what I believe was a rather appropriate punishment. So that he will understand the work that goes into restoring a piece of furniture I have him stripping, sanding and re-painting the porch swing. No electric sanders here tho, lol... All done by hand....

[DragonsChest]

Sweet! _twohorns_

[Valkie]

Now... for the hermit's POV :lol:

Your daughter sounds just like me when I was that age!!!

First things first... it could be school... in a strange sort of way. For me, I just didn't care about what the other kids thought of me. I was way too into what I was doing for myself.. or rather, my mind to care if I went to school in dirty clothes, mismatched socks, hair a mess, ect. ect. ect. Yes, the other kids made fun of me... but I didn't care enough about their opinions for it to bother me. I thought that they were a bunch of stuck up, popularity hounds and I had better things to do with my time and energy than try to gain their approval. But my biggest problem with it was the fact that I was quiet about it, so the others thought that I didn't have the brain/balls to stand up to them. I just blew them off and ignored their comments.

For me, the breaking point came in Reading class (yes, we had a seperate class from English that was dedicated to reading). I had the lucky alphabetical seating of being stuck between the three biggest class clowns... and the three who would pick on me the most. After listening the their shit for half of the school year, they started in and I actually talked back to them. I don't even remember what it was that was said, but I do remember that the entire class's jaw dropped... including the teacher's, because I actually stood up for myself.

This was just the start of me coming out of my shell... the fact that I was talking. :) My hygine habits didn't change much, but people stopped talking down to me to my face about it. Clean clothes were because I wanted to... or at least they had to look clean ;). Puberty hit and I didn't have the option of going a month without a bath... I couldn't stand my own stink. It was a slow process because I had learned to hate everything that was associated with being popular... thinking back, I think it took a total of about 2-3 years.

But it included my own short cuts. I have very thick and curly hair... so I can't brush it. To this day, I have to de-knot it in the shower with heavy conditioner, use leave in conditioner, and moose to keep it from looking like hell. I only shave 1 or 2 times a week. I have my clothes set up that everything goes with everything... and I still avoid name brands if I can.

I still have a high tolerance level for messes, but not for disorganization. Even back then, when I had to dig through a foot of clothes to find my bedroom floor, I knew where everything in my room was.

Other things... the not brushing teeth. Getting braces cured me of that. The dentist's office was plastered with picture of people with braces that didn't brush their teeth with the holes in the tops and stuff.... ewww, I still shudder when I think about them. Give her the choice, brushing her teeth or eating an apple for breakfast. Biting into an apple and the acid that it has in it is as good as brushing.

All I can say is she'll come out of it when she is ready... but then again, my mother had no idea how to teach me any of it... so I had to learn on my own. :whatmewor

[Faeawyn]

Thank you all....well, the counselor called and said she spoke with my daughter. Other than some boys harrassing her in the afternoon waiting for the bus, it doesn't appear to be a significant school thing.
She walked in the door today, and the first thing out of her mouth was "I'm sorry mom, lets never fight that way again". :)....God I love that kid :lol:
I hope Valkie is right, and she'll just grow out of it. I just don't think she even considers her appearance. She wants all the popular stuff tho....like the popular shoes right now. She also has extremely thick hair, and told the counselor that she doesn't bother to brush it because 10 minutes afterwards, it just looks unbrushed again. :whatgives:
I think I'm going to try that Girls day out and see how it goes :)
Thanks again for your input everyone :hugz:

[Valkie]

She also has extremely thick hair, and told the counselor that she doesn't bother to brush it because 10 minutes afterwards, it just looks unbrushed again. :whatgives:

:lol: Lots of conditioner!!!! I have to use Panteen (I know I'm spelling that wrong) 2 in 1 for dry hair (anything other than dry doesn't have the moisturizing needed), the Aussie 3 minute mirecal for 5-10 minutes, a damage treatment spray in conditioner, and moisturizing moose just to keep it under control. Avoid any hairstyles that require any type of checking on. I've been sporting the 'bedhead' look for about 13 years now...

In the event that I do need some control over it, or want it to stay in some type of sane style, I use the fruitice (again, sp?) line.

With thick hair, it's really important to keep it healthy or it will go to hell by its self. Back when I refused to cut mine, I actually found a split end that had a total of 13 seperate branches coming off of it. If she's got a split end issue, try to talk her into a good hair cut just for the sake that it will be easier to take care of and it will be healthier.

[beautifuldisaster]

My mom and i get into roaring fights and she says some pretty awful things. She has a fiery temper and I however unintentioanally push all her buttons. I know shes just angry so dont stress. I for the most part forgive my mother for those things because i know she doesn't really mean it s=and she just upset with me. My mother has also cleaned my room beofre...however i nevere did forgive her for those. SHe did it a number of times..well soemtimes it was iin boxes other times just destrucion...but she broke my things soemtimes...your daughter will always forgive you as long as you dont break anything...certain things have a value that you could not dream of...

And i also used to be the tomboy...But i brushed the front of my hair to make my mom haoppy but then i'd walk away amd the back of my head would be a knott4ed mess " Just because you can't see the back of your head doesn't mean no one else can" ha i cant believe i remember that

But i used to be a mess but now im a total beauty queen..it just took me a lil while to want to be anything other than one of the guys. Heck, im seventeen sand just started wearing makeup this AUGUST...im late bloomer! lol _twohorns_

:ringaroun

[Linx]

I have this exact problem with my SON! But I think it is because he is extremely shy of girls. He is 12. They give him their phone numbers, he blushes, and says no thank you. But he does like girls! He just don't know what to do about his feelings yet LOL. I am trying to deal with him not caring very much about how he looks. However it seems to work for him, he has the majority of the population of the 6th grade girl's heads turned his way. Sheesh!

As for the long thick hair... add curls to that and you have my hair. I ONLY brush my hair BEFORE I shower. Otherwise I end up with a frizzy mess. :)

[MoonDust]

Lots of stuff's already been said. Now I'll confess right now I read some of it not all. Hefty Bags! Great!

Anyhoo... I was going to start this thing off saying something like it's a faze she'll grow out of it. But then again she might not! (sorry)

What she's doing right now fits perfectly with her stage in development. She just doesn't wanna. Now she'll snap out of it one day. How much is a totally different story. She will start combing her hair again one day I promise!

Or she could end up like me being a slob then a total neat freak that even went so far as to iron her shorts then went somewhere in the middle.

My advise let her be. Don't stop being mom though. Be sure she's being hygenic. Remind her that even though she may not feel like doing certain things for just her apearance her health also comes into play with certain things.
She's testing you and herself. Don't bug her on the small stuff, but when grems come in to play (food kept in her room for days, not bathing for days, ect.) be mom.


:hugz: You CAN do it!

[Cielamara]

Oiy, how I've tried and tried to block out my memories from the ages of eleven to about fourteen or so. -_-
I went through a lot of depressive cycles during that time. I was picked on mercilessly. And when I was depressed, I didn't bother with anything, till I started using very artfully--and tastefully--applied makeup to hide behind. I remember one morning, when I was in the sixth grade, I got up and my mother started screaming at me because I hadn't washed my hair in like four days. I have oily hair, and it's naturally very, very wavy. I just started crying. I cried, and cried, and cried, and went into my room and shut the door and refused to go to school. My mother had no idea what to do with me. In seventh grade, she nearly sent me to a shrink because I was spending all my time away from school, alone, in my room, with my music. I listened to my Broadway CDs endlessly because they blocked out everything for me, and I clung to the theater world because I associated it with comfort and acceptance, which I had found the summer between sixth and seventh grades, when I did my first musical.
That age is tough. A lot of adults fail to realize how incredibly difficult that age is once they've made it past it. I'm young enough to still remember it acutely. My advice? Definitely do the Girls' Day Out. Take her out of school--that just makes it all the more special. I resented my mother a lot when I was younger because I felt like she valued my progress in school more than she cared about my emotional or psychological health. Just help her out...it really is a hellish age. :)