To those whos SOs were reluctant to have kids...

[HorseCrow]

How did you "work" your SO into being ok with having kids? How did you convince him that it would not be the end of the world? Or maybe you didn't, but went ahead and got pregnant without his concent?

[LadyTrinity]

Is your SO afraid to have children?
Not just men fear parenthood.. but the women do too lol. I know that I was worried when I was pregnant and even before... I always questioned.. will I be good enough... etc..
But when you have your child... me speaking from personal experience...everything comes naturally.
I don't think there is a way to "convince" anyone to have children.. Its got to be a mutual descision and I am unsure how to help. :hugz:

[HorseCrow]

Yup, he is terrified. He wants children, but he keeps saying "not right now". And this period of "not right now" has now lasted 3 years. Now if only he DIDN'T want children, then that could be it, but he does... only not right now. And i am going mad. I am 28 in a months time and have wanted children badly ever since I was 20. On top of that, to frustrate me to the max, he is so obviously going to be a wonderful dad- he is loving and tender, always giving lots of kisses, hugs and "I love you" throughout the day, he is brilliant with kids- whenever we are with family he ends up playing with the kids for hours and hours.
But when I bring up the subject of having ones of our own, he freaks- he babbles on it being too expensive, the apartment being too small and not wanting to be tied down. However, his lifestyle is about ideal for having kids, since he is not at all a party/get drunk type at all. There is no part of his activities he would have to give up.
And come on, I'm a midwife- what better woman to have kids with!

I'm going mad. I mean that very literally. I see babies and pregnant women everywhere (go figure, but you know what I mean). I dream babies every night.

:sniffsnif :wah2:

[FaerieGothMommy]

Aww, it must be hard seeing babies ALL the time and so desperatly wanting one.
All i can advise is to have a chat with him.... if he has said he wants children just not right now, then when is the time going to be right? If his done that for 3 yrs, then the time will never be right... I think he is just nervous, have a talk with him. Tell him how desperate you've been for a baby, and that you have been respecting his wishes by waiting 3 yrs for him to be at the right time for a child... i think now he needs to start thinking about you.

You're right, if hes said, he doesn't want a child, then you can't force him or persuade him. But, hes said he does. Have a chat with him :) Good Luck.

[Shanti]

My son said he wasnt ready for kids, my DIL 'forgot' her pill anyhow. It wasnt to bad at first but my son had resentment toward her. He was honestly not ready, he wasnt lying. After 2 yrs of probs and a 6 month long seperation, they got back together again and now he is ready and making up for the first 2 years of bad times. They are finally a family and doing well and my son and grandson have finally bonded, but waiting awhile would of been easier without all the pain of unreadiness.

[Sylvan]

My ex was the one who wanted kids. I didn't then, still don't today. You know how he tried "convincing" me? Two ways. One, he cleaned the apartment for the first time ever, and "accidentally" threw out two months' worth of my birth control pills. Two, he started calling psychic hotlines, who all agreed with him that he'd have children within two years.. Got me to talk to them.. I still wasn't convinced, and now we had a $500 phone bill. :fpatricks Just a couple of reasons he's the Ex.

I would say talk to him about how you're not going to be fertile forever. Staring down 30 when you know 35 is the age our eggs start to go downhill and cause problems... Has got to be nerve-wracking. Not to mention being surrounded by babies and pregnancy as a midwife!

I don't know. Going ahead and getting pregnant, he may resent that. But then again, making you wait for years on end, you probably resent that too. Ask him when "not right now" will become "ok, now".

My hubby hasn't wanted kids either, but when his grandfather passed away, he seriously considered it for the first time. Carrying on the family name, honoring his grandfather, etc. (Lucky for me, he changed his mind back..)

[HorseCrow]

I do not think I would get pregnant without his consent, the ethics of that do not agree with me. Yet. But I also know, that if this goes on much longer, I will end up leaving him. It would break my heart, because I love him, but if I stay another 3 years yerning for a child, I will end up hating him.

[Ceres]

Is he worried about your relationship changing? or that the responsibility will be too constrictive? maybe what he says are the reasons arent really the reasons after all.
certainly if we all waited until we could afford kds, no one would have them. the attachment parenting lifestyle is very very inexpensive- breastfeeding is cheap, co-sleeping means u dont need a seperate room or even seperate furniture and if u cloth diaper its next to nothing! you need a car seat and a couple nursing bras and thats it! the biggest expense for us was in my not working for the last 11 years, but there have been compensations as well. because i was home with the kids full time, my husband was able to take courses and switch jobs to make more money and have better working conditions. we have time to clean our home ourselves, i cook nearly everything from scratch and i have the time to shop second hand for clothes and such to get the great deals.
i would just keep bugging. the nagging will be good practice for when u finally have them. ;)

[HorseCrow]

It is the constriction/responsibility that worries him the most. And I do not know how to debate on that- I can argue the cost of babies any time, but how do I argue responsibility and constriction... I really do not know.
Another thing is, he goes back and forth- we even tried for a baby i july, then after a few weeks of no birth control he got cold feet and I went back on birth control. That really tipped the whole thing. I was in super baby mode and then he cancelled on me.

[soilsigh aingeal]

:hugz: I wish I had some advice. Have you argued that it won't be just him with all of the responsibilities, that you'll share the responsibility?

[HorseCrow]

Yes, I have played the I-am-a-midwife-and-know-all-about-babies card, a lot. He does not refuse that, but it does not seem to be quite enough either.

[Ceres]

i dont think its so much sharing in the responsibilities of caring for an infant that scares men so much as the responsibility of caring for a family. i think men feel making a family as the time when they have to grow up and be responsible for all these ppl: you, because there are times when birthing babies makes women more dependent for a time and then the babies you have as well. add that to their fear of their wife turning into a mother with other priorities, and throw ina little gender role ambivalence for good measure, and u have a bunch of scared dudes ;)
horsecrow, have your couple friends already started having babies? how about your husband's peers?

[HorseCrow]

Quite a few of my friends have children yes, but only very few of his- and onlt ones he is not very close with (I can only think of two of his friends who have kids, both are now divorced and are weekend-dads).

[Ceres]

hmmm....think that might be it? it doesnt seem to have worked out well for his buddies......

[Bix]

I'm really scared about having kids as well...and I'm female....so I don't really think it's always the male that's nervous.

I guess just talk to him more...is all I can say.

[Amethyst Rose]

To be honest, it took my getting pregnant for my husband to realize he was ready. No, I did not trick him into it, or decieve him in anyway like forgetting my pill. It just so happened that I had run out of birth control and couldn't get more at the time and we didn't take any precautions against it.

2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant (so I was pregnant at the time), my husband and I talked about having kids, and I cried cuz I worried that he never wanted them. He assured me that he wanted them, just "not right now". Heh.

Well,when I found out I was terrified to tell him I was pregnant....I was scared he would resent me and think I'd done it on purpose or something. But he told me that he was happy and excited and that he knew he'd be an awesome dad. And that he loved me. :)

That probably doesn't help you at all, sorry. I suggest sitting down and talking to him about it....crying wouldn't hurt things. ;) Good luck.

[FlyingBear]

Some men get so nervous about it, you'd think they were the pregnant ones. Heh

My Dh knew from day one I wanted kids and I talked it over with him on many occasions. I wanted to be a midwife myself, so my library is rather extensive and I had lots of sites bookmarked. I told him I wanted to have kids before I turned 35. We also had a couple of friends that were parents as well. But it was as if he was standing there, hands over his ears, shouting," I'm not listening! La la la la la!"

But DH was really terrified, like yours, that we couldn't afford one. That and the changes it would make to our relationship. He was jealous about sharing me, he said so up front which I appreciated. It's hard sometimes to admit to those darker feelings that make your guts twist. And of course, there was also the damaging legacy his parents had left him and he was afraid of repeating all that garbage.

In Feb of 03', two days after Imbolc, he goes into his usual meditation. He's "out" for about two hours and comes back in tears. He told me that he was approached by our daughter. She sat on his lap, put her arms around his neck and told him her name, Sophia. She said that if we wanted children we needed to get pregnant by Yule.She told him that she was ready and on her way. His voice was just full of awe as he described her and the feelings that bloomed in him. It was then that he just knew somehow that he was ready.

I got pregnant in April or May of '03 and Sophia was born Jan. 10 '04.

To this day I look back on that and just boggle.

I think you would be a blessed mommy, HorseCrow. All I can suggest is that you keep talking to your DH. Just keep sitting with him and really talk. Lots of guys are scared up to the moment they hold their newborn babe. Some go to the grave still terrified of them. A lot of it is going to be up to him and whatever attitude adjustments he needs to make.

If you want I have a couple of links that might help. Let me know!

Keep us informed! Good luck!

:tub:

[HorseCrow]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies... it warms my heart :hearthear

The thing that gets me extra confused, is he loves children. If we sit on the bus or train, or walk through town and he spots a baby or small child, he gets all "awwww, look, awww sweet, goochi gooo" etc. He is constantly talking about "when we get kids... bla bla" and "our kids so and so", on everything from what we should name them to how we must teach them to respect Nature and appreciate animals, how we must take them to the forest, the park, the ocean. He so obviously loves kids, but then as soon as I get on to the subject of having ones of our own, he gets all vague and apprehensive. It is so contradictive somehow... argh! :aburst:

[Dawa Lhamo]

I would say talk to him about how you're not going to be fertile forever. Staring down 30 when you know 35 is the age our eggs start to go downhill and cause problems... Has got to be nerve-wracking. Not to mention being surrounded by babies and pregnancy as a midwife!

I agree with Sylvan. If you were 20, I'd tell you that you should be more patient, but you're not, and he has to realize that if he waits too long, then you won't be able to have any children. It's all fine and good that he can wait 'til he's 60 to have children, but it's not fair to you. Your situation is confusing, particularly since he seems to like children so much. Though I do agree that just getting pregnant anyway isn't really ethical. hmm... I don't know, dear. I wish you the best of luck, though. You have my thoughts and prayers.

Tashi delek!
Dawa Lhamo

[Hope3645]

There are many reasons for men, and women too, to be afraid of having childern. I am female and quite frankly pretty scared. Of course, a large part of this is just because I am 20 and still in college, but there is another reason that I will have to work through at some point. I like most childern, but am afaird to have my own because I know that once I do the kid would be the most important thing in the world to me. This is kind of scary for me. It would mean that I would have to do everything to make the childs life as wondeful as possible, but I have plans of my own!! How do you balence parenthood with career or other duities? My bf activily wants a child more than I do, and is willing to play the major parenting role (be a stay at home parent and/or home-school teacher if need be), and I am sooo greatful for this, but at the same time it would make me feel gulity for limiting him and not being with the child more.
I agree with the posts that advised telling him you can't wait forever. Having childern after 35 is risky. Downs Syndrome is directly related to the age of a mother. After 35, there is a 1 in 200 chance that any child you have will have the disease, and the chance gets higher as you get older.
Good Luck,
Kay

[Ceres]

downs syndrone is actually related to your exposure to radiation(which remians in your body), which does increase as we age. its also a good reason to turn down xrays u dont really need (including frequent dental ones).

[QUEEN OF THE DAMNED]

:hairraise you will all be shocked I'm sure because everyone in my life is when I say: "I just dont want children".

Everybody says to me that I will change my mind, but I really dont want my own kids. My friends are starting to have kids and that's great, because I look forward to being an "aunty" to them and helping them out with the little sweethearts, but I just dont want my own. I have nothing against kids, but I have made a list of reasons that I dont want kids, and it entailed over 100 points against having kids.

I think that quite simply (I'm sorry if this offends anyone) some people aren't cut out to have kids (for any number of reasons) and I think it is each of our own responsibility to decide whether we would be fit parents or not.
Is there anyone else out there like me? And please please dont tell me that I will want them later..I'm so sick :sick: of hearing that.

I always tell people when I start relationships with them that I dont intend on having them, so that I dont lead them astray. My fiancee is of the same mind as me about the issue. I think 'having babies' is a subject every couple should broach in the very beginning, so no one gets hurt. :whatgives *shrug*

My body sends me messages now, chanting "have them have them", but that's what my chemical makeup is programmed to do y'know. So many people I know have kids just because that's what everyone does, not because they actually long for kids. I think you should desperately want a child before having one. (I realise it's not always black and white like that, accidents do happen, and sometimes they turn out to be miracles).

I just wanted to voice my point and I hope all of you that want kids (everyone I assume) get what you want and have beautiful healthy babies and become wonderful parents. Just please make sure you do it for the right reasons beautiful people. Good luck and best wishes, and be honest with your partners!! :abanana: :thumbsup:

[Ceres]

i agree with you! ppl should REALLY want children before they have them. parenthood should be taken seriously and its not for those who arent prepared to commit to it. i think people are happiest when they do what they want to do with their lives.
that said, u might change your mind, it happens. i know ppl who havent changed their minds and their childbearing years are coming to an end and i dont feel pity or worry for them - they made a choice, just as i did. i am always surprised when ppl give unsolitcited advice to ppl about whether or not or when to have kids - it amounts to expressing opinions about how others conduct their sex lives!

[Autumn]

My Dh describes the leap into fatherhood as jumping off one of those cliffs in alcopoco You are too scared to do it, but you work up your courage and wow!!!

Sometimes men are not prepared to take that leap. Judging whether you can cast him off the cliff and have him land cleanly is hard to do...He needs to see that he may never "feel ready" until you are too old to do it. hopefully he will begin to see that he is being unfair. He is lucky to have someone as ethical as you lots of women would shove him off the cliff.

[HorseCrow]

There are days where I want to throw him off the cliff, but I could never do that. I want us both to be excited and wanting to do it. But as the years pass, I'm getting worried that he is taking too long- as someone mentioned, he has the rest of his life to make babies... but I'm 28 in a months time... I do not have forever any more.
But, having worked him hard the last couple of months, I think I will give it a rest for a little while. Let it sit with him and give him a chance to think it over without me jumping on him the whole time.

But it is so HARD! :wah:

[QUEEN OF THE DAMNED]

There are days where I want to throw him off the cliff, but I could never do that. I want us both to be excited and wanting to do it. But as the years pass, I'm getting worried that he is taking too long- as someone mentioned, he has the rest of his life to make babies... but I'm 28 in a months time... I do not have forever any more.
But, having worked him hard the last couple of months, I think I will give it a rest for a little while. Let it sit with him and give him a chance to think it over without me jumping on him the whole time.

But it is so HARD! :wah:

I hope that you succeed sweetheart, I'm sure you will make a great mum. Best wishes and productive energies sent yours and your SO's way ;)
:boing:

[FlyingBear]

:hairraise you will all be shocked I'm sure because everyone in my life is when I say: "I just dont want children".

Everybody says to me that I will change my mind, but I really dont want my own kids. My friends are starting to have kids and that's great, because I look forward to being an "aunty" to them and helping them out with the little sweethearts, but I just dont want my own. I have nothing against kids, but I have made a list of reasons that I dont want kids, and it entailed over 100 points against having kids.

I think that quite simply (I'm sorry if this offends anyone) some people aren't cut out to have kids (for any number of reasons) and I think it is each of our own responsibility to decide whether we would be fit parents or not.
Is there anyone else out there like me? And please please dont tell me that I will want them later..I'm so sick :sick: of hearing that.

I always tell people when I start relationships with them that I dont intend on having them, so that I dont lead them astray. My fiancee is of the same mind as me about the issue. I think 'having babies' is a subject every couple should broach in the very beginning, so no one gets hurt. :whatgives *shrug*

My body sends me messages now, chanting "have them have them", but that's what my chemical makeup is programmed to do y'know. So many people I know have kids just because that's what everyone does, not because they actually long for kids. I think you should desperately want a child before having one. (I realise it's not always black and white like that, accidents do happen, and sometimes they turn out to be miracles).

I just wanted to voice my point and I hope all of you that want kids (everyone I assume) get what you want and have beautiful healthy babies and become wonderful parents. Just please make sure you do it for the right reasons beautiful people. Good luck and best wishes, and be honest with your partners!! :abanana: :thumbsup:


_handclapp I hear you, Queen. I really do. Even tho I have my one, I am a firm believer in that just because you can have children doesn't mean that you should. Not everyone wants to be a parent, nor should they have to be.

And it does get highly irritating when ppl keep saying that you'll change your mind. As if being a women always boils down to two things: Being married and having kids. :grrrrr: Give me a break!

Just stick to your guns! There are more women out there who have decided to have a child free life and that's a good thing! Wish our western culture would stop treating it like a stigma.

[Semele]

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you see it, we can't talk them into being ready. It is something that just happens or it doesn't.

Hard place to be in. I wish you all the best of luck.

[Rockprincess]

Have you told him that you need to have babies now, or you are going to start resenting him? That you don't know when "not right now" will end?

My husband wanted to wait to try for children. I wanted to start right away. It took a few crying bouts and a few long conversations about WHY I wanted to have children right now, but he came around. He's still not excited about it, but he's willing. I think he will be excited when I AM pregnant, because he loves children and definitely wants them.

I agree with some of the other posters - it's like jumping off a cliff tied to a swing line. Your brain knows you're safe, but your instincts are terrified.

[moonchild]

Im in the same boat, i'm 28 and have already made the statement that i will have a child by 30...preferable detached from myself by then too. my Dh is freaked out by the whole thought, mostly because of the expense, and i know he will be fine also once i'm preggers. its up to him at this point not to reach for the condoms.... i'm off all birth control (and love it i might add). he knows that i'm enrolling for short term disability insurance through work this month and it will be in my policy jan 1. after that....when ever!!! i too am resisting the urge to get preggers without his consent but i know that i wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt. so its a waiting game....some witchy friends of mine state that it'll be December.....i wonder now if that means i'll be preggers in december or the birth will be next year.... :)