Should She Tell the Father?

[Jackiedanielz]

This is a random question, random because it does not apply to me but to someone my SO works with. This girl, Amanda, found out she was pregnant a few months after she broke up with her boyfriend. Thing is he is completely psycho and abusive to Amanda. She hasn't told him she's pregnant yet. I believe its more in fear because she finally got him out of her life.

So the question is, do you think she is obligated to tell him he is a father and risk him being back in her life, pretty much forever now?

[Serene21]

Thats a hard one..

I suppose its up to her, these kind of things are hard because she cant prove he would be abusive to the child and she doesnt want him back in her life. I dont believe he's a necessary part of the child's upbringing though. I mean, Im doing just fine without my father..so, its really a choice for her right now, I think everyone shoudl know if they have children but at the same time if he's abusive..Mmfph. If i were in her position I'd think long and hard, depending on how bad he was to me and how I thought my child would be affected by this man being in her child's life..I dont know, tough one.

[Phoenix Snowrose]

I agree with Serene...the guy needs to know...then again..should ic come at the expense of getting him back in her life? No...my suggestion(yes it will be odd) is that if she ever has to/wants to move..then she should tell him after she moves..that way he knows, but then he doesn't know where she is...but then again if he knows the bastard might try to file for custody so he can abuse the kid. I dunno. I put other cause I just really don't know. I guess it would depend how he was abusive...did he love her at all...is he the kind of guy who would be a jerk and try to take custody? Or is he one of those guys who would be content on being a deadbeat dad?

[Serene21]

^^ True, he might not even care. He might say "thats great, its your kid, not mine". A lot of men do that due to the fact most people have absolutely no loyalty. I think that there are so many things to really consider in this, as well as filing for custody. If he learns he has a child he might fight for custody, might not care or even want to share the child. Its hard to say when you dont know the people involved. Too many variables. When you date someone you get to know them and Im sure she willmake the right decision for all three involved. Its a terrible position!

[Phoenix Snowrose]

Hey Jackie..what is this girls name so I can send her energy?!

[BrigidMoon]

I say no for now. Things may change later. Been to court because of abuse of my daughter.

[Jackiedanielz]

Hey Jackie..what is this girls name so I can send her energy?!

Amanda, I think I put that.

Well, its actually an amazing story, I only hear about it 2nd hand from SO but let me tell you what I know.

She absolutely LOVES kids, I think (seriously can't remember) but I THINK she had a tubular pregnancy once and it miscarried. NOT SURE. But she was having issues with "down there" and was scheduled for a D&C (??). It got to the point where I think she was going to have to have a hysterectomy, she's 19. Which sucked because she loves kids. Well, in all the she finds out she's pregnant. So this is almost a miracle baby. And of course since this is second hand, I don't what kind of abuse she was getting from this guy but the word psycho keeps popping up.

I seriously don't know how to vote for my own poll. On one hand I think he should know because he's the father. On the other, I've been with psychos & emotional abusers before and to finally be rid of them is like peace on earth. Dunno.

Gotta tell ya though, she's 6 months pregnant, working 2 jobs but was recently told to quit at least one because of the stress its causing. She looks SOOOOOOO cute with that little belly!

[Serene21]

I say no for now. Things may change later. Been to court because of abuse of my daughter.

I dont know, seems wrong somehow..for the child, I mean. Then there will a court case anyhow..why not now when the child wont rememebr it? Course, im still on the fence with this one.

On another part of the conversation, if the word psycho comes up a lot..im thinking he isnt all there upstairs. LOL. Amanda is such a cute word. And yes, that is a miracle! She must be very greatful, all those problems at 19 too! 2 years older than me, cant imagine that! Well, maybe she can find help some how? I dont know, thats a terrible thing that shes working two jobs to make ends meet and now she has to decide. Sometimes life seems so cut-throat. :( *sigh*

[Jackiedanielz]

well, i will say one thing: if 2 jobs are causing her enough stress to jeopardize this pregnacy she need not bring him into the picture just yet in fear of more stress

[Jackiedanielz]

On another part of the conversation, if the word psycho comes up a lot..im thinking he isnt all there upstairs. LOL. Amanda is such a cute word. And yes, that is a miracle! She must be very greatful, all those problems at 19 too! 2 years older than me, cant imagine that! Well, maybe she can find help some how? I dont know, thats a terrible thing that shes working two jobs to make ends meet and now she has to decide. Sometimes life seems so cut-throat. :( *sigh*

well, she lives downstairs from her mom, so there is some help there. But she's in great spirits, I'm not the one working with her every day but she's always smiling when I see her.

[Élistariel]

as a child of an abusive father, I say No way in ____. If he was abusive to Amanda, chances are he'll be abusive to his kid as well.

[Muireannach]

If he was mentally healthy,I would tell him, then take precautions to ensure that he only sees the baby with certain restrictions, in addition to having the home secured and old issues resolved.

If he is an complete and utter danger, she may need to think things over hard, and perhaps tell him only if his life is back on track.

[MorningDove030202]

I guess it would depend on if she wants child support or not.

Dove

[Wolf O Volos]

Sorry.... as a father who has been completely removed from his daughter's life based on hearsay and ONE person's un-objective view of what I *might* do.... I cannot respond to this in a way that would be unbiased. All I *can* say, is that whether or not it was intended, this guy is the father. And while a lot of people see a child as the mother's "property" for some reason... Fathers should be afforded their rights and opportunities. **grumbles** I just KNOW this is going to be misunderstood... should have kept my mouth shut... but dammit, I *feel* this one

[Jackiedanielz]

Sorry.... as a father who has been completely removed from his daughter's life based on hearsay and ONE person's un-objective view of what I *might* do.... I cannot respond to this in a way that would be unbiased. All I *can* say, is that whether or not it was intended, this guy is the father. And while a lot of people see a child as the mother's "property" for some reason... Fathers should be afforded their rights and opportunities. **grumbles** I just KNOW this is going to be misunderstood... should have kept my mouth shut... but dammit, I *feel* this one

no, i hear what your saying. my SO should be the one that has custody of his children but in the eyes of the court, for some STRANGE reason, they deem her FIT to take care of them. LOL that's a funny one.

what your saying is the exact reason why I haven't posted on my own poll yet. Still on the fence because he is the father and he could possible be the best father in the world to this child and he has every right to know if he has kin running around on this planet. He deserves a chance to be a dad if he choses to.

But there has been abuse in this relationship before so I can see why she's trying to figure out what to do about the situation.

Thanks for your response and a male point of view. You are totally entitled to your opinion and I'm not gonna jump on anyone for that. I'm actually utterly surprised this poll wasn't swayed the other way. I'm in shock actually. But thanks again for joining in. :)

[soilsigh aingeal]

I chose other. I'm really not sure. I have been in an abusive situation, when I found out I was pregnant with my first, we were on the verge of breakup a week or so before. He swore he would change his posessive ways and I believed him.... I found out, it only got worse. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know if I should tell him or just break up with him and get as far away as possible. I told him, we (more like I) tried to make it work. But it only got worse. I'm leaning toward, don't tell him but I seriously don't know. I can't make that descision for someone else.

[soilsigh aingeal]

I don't know if she would have had to have him charged for abuse in the past, but when I was filling out custody forms, it gave me an option to ask for the "non custodial" parent to get some sort of counselling... again, I'm not sure if that is an option...

[Yvonne Belisle]

From a legal stand point she is walking a thin line. However I am reading more and more that women are getting tossed in jail when their partner abuses the kids even if she didn't know because a jury felt she should have. If he is abusive and hurts the baby since she knew he was abusive she could be liable. On the other hand if he finds out she is pregnant and wants to be a problem she could be in hot water. If she has police reports or hospital reports of the abuse that can help cover her tail. it is a really sucky catch 22. She is going to have to decide how much of a danger she feels he is to the baby.

[Wolf O Volos]

OKay, after I have put myself a little more *outside* of this one... an abusive realtionship does not always mean an abusive parent. I think the way the relationships are viewed are totally different. I could almost go so far as to say I *HATE* my ex, and probably would not shed any tears over her being harmed, difigured, maimed, et al.... BUT, the daughter we have together... I would absolutely DIE if any harm came to her.
Just my two cents on the subject. Don't know if it will help or not.

[Black RiverWolf]

OKay, after I have put myself a little more *outside* of this one... an abusive realtionship does not always mean an abusive parent. I think the way the relationships are viewed are totally different. I could almost go so far as to say I *HATE* my ex, and probably would not shed any tears over her being harmed, difigured, maimed, et al.... BUT, the daughter we have together... I would absolutely DIE if any harm came to her.
Just my two cents on the subject. Don't know if it will help or not.

im with you on this one but being the child of an abusive parent. i would not tell him out of fear for the baby. i mean it sounds like he is so missing a few lightbulbs and is right thinking that he will abuse the child. if anythig else she could always tell him then say that she wants him to have nothing to do wiith it or that she does not want anything from him. just my .02

[shenanigans]

I would recommend that she contact a family law attorney to have a consultation about the legal ramifications of this. I'm a family law paralegal, so I deal daily with child custody suits, and here's my opinion, but please keep in mind that custody laws differ from state to state, so this won't apply fully where you live, because this is based solely upon the laws up here.

In Alaska law, if there is any legal evidence that he was abusive, i.e., past restraining orders, calls to the police, etc., or if she can convince the judge that abuse existed, then he couldn't get sole physical or legal custody. He could ask for joint custody after completing a court-approved anger management course and possibly a substance abuse program. If the child has lived the majority of their life with one parent as the primary caregiver, and this parent is a good parent, I don't know of a court that will grant full custody to the other parent should he try to get it down the road.

If she wants to inform him, I'd recommend that she let the court system inform him. Once the child is born, she could file for custody, and in cases of abuse most states have the option to file in such a way that he wouldn't have access to her address or phone number. She should file for sole legal and physical custody, and if she wants him to have visitation privileges, I'd recommend supervised visitation.

If she doesn't want him to know, I'd advise her to put "unknown" as the father on the birth certificate, and to avoid all contact with him, and hopefully the town she lives in is large enough to do that.

[Acid Halo]

Nope, no one is Obligated to tell the other person unless they want them to know and be in the childs life.

[Wolf O Volos]

You know what is REALLY missing here?? The father's side of the story. What is his point of view? I understand ANY abuse is wrong, but when considering what he *MIGHT* do to his own child... Could it be possible that the abuse she suffered at his hands was a little less major than the way she presented it?

Sounds bad. So I will give an example:
My son, who is 9, was talking about a person he has in his class not too long ago. While describing this classmate, my son used a very vulgar and racist word to describe him, for which he was mildly slapped. Racism and Ignorance scare me, and I gave him a little nudge on the cheek, to stop him in his tracks, and so he knew that what I was about to tell him was very serious. I go on to explain to him that the word he used was disgusting, and should never pass his lips again. He says, "okay dad, sorry"... and the episode is over. To my knowledge, he now sees the word as a "curse word" and no longer uses it.
To me, this was a disciplinary act. To a lot of folks out there, what I did would be called abuse.

So, this hoorible man, that most folks seem to think has No Rights... this monster who is SO abusive... is *so* NOT represented in this thread. For people to make a judgement as serious as to whether he should even know he is a father, is rediculous until the complete facts, and someone who actually knows the father, are brought forward. Can you say with CERTAINTY, that this person is truley abusive? Do any of us really know the person we are all condeming to never know he has a child in this world?

The only ones who know for sure, are the father and mother in question... and Maybe Jackie. So, before we all get our widdershins wands out to curse this guy, maybe we should get a little more background, eh?

More than my 2 cents. That was about a dimes worth.

[Jackiedanielz]

I hear what your saying, I know somewhat know why you feel the way you do. The deep love you have for your children is quite evident. And no, none of us know the extent of the abuse except for the mom, Amanda. I'm assuming its enough to make her think twice about letting the father know she's pregnant. Whether that's morally right or not, its not our decision to make its hers. And its a tough one. Luckily for most of us, we'll never be faced with a situation like this.

I can tell you that personally I've dated a few psychos who were emotionally abusive and i can't even imagine what it would be like to raise a child with them. Knowing now what I didn't know then, I may consider not telling them at all. But morally I would feel obligated.

To finally have the courage to escape from an abusive relationship is amazing enough and I can see where a lot of these posts are coming from. Let's all just feel grateful we are not in Amanda's shoes.

Its true though, we don't know anything about the father. At all. Like I said before, he could be the world's greatest dad. Unfortunately because of his prior actions, he may not even be able to experience parenthood with this baby. Who's a little girl by the way. I know many a father whose life did a 360 when they became a parent and I know a few that things have stayed the same.

Either way it can be looked at from all sides, which is why I made a poll. To each his own opinion, even if we dont' agree for whatever reason.

[Wolf O Volos]

I hear what your saying, I know somewhat know why you feel the way you do. The deep love you have for your children is quite evident. And no, none of us know the extent of the abuse except for the mom, Amanda. I'm assuming its enough to make her think twice about letting the father know she's pregnant. Whether that's morally right or not, its not our decision to make its hers. And its a tough one. Luckily for most of us, we'll never be faced with a situation like this.

I can tell you that personally I've dated a few psychos who were emotionally abusive and i can't even imagine what it would be like to raise a child with them. Knowing now what I didn't know then, I may consider not telling them at all. But morally I would feel obligated.

To finally have the courage to escape from an abusive relationship is amazing enough and I can see where a lot of these posts are coming from. Let's all just feel grateful we are not in Amanda's shoes.

Its true though, we don't know anything about the father. At all. Like I said before, he could be the world's greatest dad. Unfortunately because of his prior actions, he may not even be able to experience parenthood with this baby. Who's a little girl by the way. I know many a father whose life did a 360 when they became a parent and I know a few that things have stayed the same.

Either way it can be looked at from all sides, which is why I made a poll. To each his own opinion, even if we dont' agree for whatever reason.


Well said. Thank you for the level headedness.

I did not mean to get into "lawyer mode" there, just want to make sure people who posted took the time to make their posts meaningful, and with a little thought behind them before condeming someone they know very little about.
And even if the guy IS a psycho... it takes 2 people to create life. And whether she wanted a child with him or not, she has one now. I seriously WISH that people would consider that a man, whether he be a good man or not, is still one full half of the child that the mother gives birth to. Fathers have rights as well, and if people did not want the man to be a father to their children, what in the world were they sleeping with him for in the first place? Creation is a gift. It is one of the only ways we can experience TRUE divinity within ourselves. The power to bring a new life into this world.... *sigh* I am so sad that so many scoff at the responsibilty of having hormones.....

[banondraig]

if she really thinks he would harm the baby, then she needs to not tell him, but she also never, ever gets to ask for his help. in my opinion, people who abuse their children forfeit their rights to parenthood. it's not possible for any of us here to know whether or not he is likely to harm his own child, but the baby comes first. that's my standpoint ethically. legally, it might not fly. i definitely agree with the person who advised her to get some advice in family law. it's no good for her to not tell him in an effort to avoid abuse and then have to go to jail or have huge fines for not telling him, which would be just about as bad.

[Temptation]

I don't think we have enough information here to say one way or the other.
Only the mother knows for sure what happened between them. She's the
only one who can make a decision whether to tell him or not.

On principle, I think he should know; if only for the child's sake, because, sooner or later, this little girl will want to know who her father is.
Unless he's really so mentally unstable as to pose a real threat to both the mother and the child, I think he has a right to know he's about to become a father.

[Jackiedanielz]

Ok, with that being said, if the father does find out & tries to do the right thing by her, how is this baby going to grow up when she sees her mommy getting beaten by daddy all the time?

This of course is hypothetical because we don't know the extent of the abuse.

[Kadynas]

I realize you don't know what "kind" of abuse was going on... but the fact that someone mentioned the word "abuse" is enough for me. Your friend's first duty is to keep her child safe, and if she thinks that the father would be a danger to him, she has every right to not tell him. Not to mention what he might do to /her/... some people who earn the title "psycho" go nuts when their target gets pregnant. Just think of the Peterson trial and all the stories that brought to light. :shaker: All in all I think it's best if she doesn't tell anyone, maybe even leave his name off the birth certificate if possible.

[Valkie]

this is a tough one.

I agree with Wolfie that an abusive partner doesn't make an abusive parent, but there is the issue if he'll get help for his temper if he wants to be part of the child's life. She can't be all hunky dory with him saying that he'll change without going to some kind of therapy. He needs to back it up.

Next, Mass state law says (at least it did when Dom was born) that for a father to be on a birth certificate of an unwed woman, a paternity test has to be done. They won't take the word of the couple any more. On the same note, with a married woman or a woman who seperated from her husband within the year prior to birth, the husband is automatically the father unless he petitions for proof.

With this in mind, it really doesn't make much of a difference if she tells him after the baby is born or before.

Considering the history that you've heard, I would have her wait until after the baby is born to tell him; he is the father and does deserve to know. She has a support system and there is no reason for her to put her and her child's health at risk.

When she does tell him, I would have her be in the company of other people who would protect her... no reason not the be safe. Then the option is up to him.

He can decide that he doesn't want anything to do with the baby... and if she's not looking for child support there's no reason to pursue it. If he does want to be part of the child's life, she can lay down the conditions of needing the paternity test and therapy.

[earthprincess]

I don't think she is obligated to tell him that he is going to be a father... as long as she is prepared to be financially solo on this as well as emotionally... And from what I got from your explanation... she shouldn't tell him... she doesn't need her child growing up in an abusive home.. or with an abusive parent (even if its just to mommy or whom ever is in his life at the moment). I don't care how many times you hear the words "im going to change" it rarely ever happens..
Yes we don't know the entire story, and yes there could be so many things going on. But first and foremost... she should protect herself and that baby... And she doesn't ever have to tell him he is the childs father... As far as what happens when the baby gets older and asks questions... if she talks to him/her the right way and explains things on his/her level.. they really will understand.. she would just have to be prepared to be there for him/her and support their feelings. Things always happen for a reason..

[Wolf O Volos]

Okay.... after reading more responses posted after my rants... I have decided that I am officially going to keep my mouth shut on the topic of parenting, and on the rights of fathers. The subject just gets me far too miffed. Seeing responses of "She has NO obligation to tell him" or something as base and emotionless as "As long as he pays Child Support". A child is NOT property. This point of view serves only in being Self possesive, and even worse, makes it sound like just because you THINK a child was magically created in your womb through osmosis, it *belongs* to the mother SOLEY. And in case I was mistaken... this is not a case of *girl goes to the sperm bank and gets invitro fertilization from an annonymous donor*.... But, I digress... I did say I was gonna keep my mouth shut from now on.

*sigh*

[Valkie]

Don't keep your mouth shut. You have a very valid point and it is sadly a trend that has seemed to pop up more and more over the past few decades since single parenting became something that wasn't shuned. The father has just as many rights as the mother and it is unreasonable to think otherwise.

Think of it this way.... If the woman was abusive toward the man and found herself pregnant, there would be no way of keeping her out of the child's life if she wanted to be there. Why should there be a different standard for the father?

[Autumn]

My gut reaction would be to say nothing, but then...

Does she have any legal history to protect herself and the kid? Does she have grounds for supervised visitation? If not, she should hush up because for a while her child won't be able to speak for themselves. In time, if he treats future girlfriends properly she may choose to tell him then, if he continues to be a ratfink she can keep her mouth shut.

[Sequoia]

Personaly, I think this is up to her.

If she knows that he has abused her before, physically or mentally, she should either not tell him, or wait to tell him until she's had the baby and it's a few months old. Then, the stress of pregnancy and the first few weeks are over, and things have cooled enough that she'd be able to handle it. Until then, it puts the baby in danger.

Wolf, I understand. My brother didn't find out that he had a son until the baby was six months old. He's been the sole parent as of then. My nephew's mother left to return to Mexico. My brother has been the most wonderful father you could ever imagine, and my nephew is eight now, healthy and happy.

I don't think (most of) the people here are saying that men or fathers in general should be told purely on the mother's whim, ie "child support" (which was very immature, whoever said that). I think what they're saying is that if this woman personally knows the man is genuinely abusive, then she should wait until she's in a safe situation to tell him (Which may be never, based on whether she moves, what kind of home she is in, where he lives, etc).

Nobody's saying that you're abusive for slapping your son for using, ex, the N word. Nor is a spanking for a severe and purposeful transgresance bad. I think that what we consider "abusive" is probably something more akin to the man hitting or otherwise physically harming the grown woman, the man verbally assaulting the woman, or various other things that are quite obvious forms of "abuse". If a person spanks their child occasionally and without use of something like a whip, I doubt it's abuse. But these folks are concerned that this man may beat, scream at, mistreat, or otherwise abuse a small child and it's mother, and that is an extreme danger for ANY parent to put their child in.

If a mother was a clear abusor, such as beating a child or a severe alcoholic, and the father is clearly a good person, ie sane and stable, then the child in 90% of cases will go to the father. Yes, there is often prejudice in favor of a mother, but when reasonable evidence is shown, the jury will usually make the right decision. And if they don't, you can appeal it. Not to mention file a police report when she hurts the kids.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's up to the woman, and her very closest friends who know *exactly* what's going on. Frankly, if the man is abusive, he could come on here and go "I just yelled at her because she didn't do what I asked; married couples do this all the time. She's just wanting money from me. I'm not abusive." We don't know what the real situation is. From that statement, he may or may not be hurting her. She has the evidence, the experience. And I know that you would condemn her if she willingly gave a violent or "psychotic" person access to a tiny, fragile, vunerable baby or small child. Even an older child.

Right?

[Jackiedanielz]

Well said.

[Wolf O Volos]

I agree... very well said. Seq... you make a very clear and understandable post.

And I suppose that I have gone off topic a little in a few of my rants, looking back... I was making more of a commentary on how people reacted to this thread, more than I was commenting on the actual situation Jackie had first presented.

The apathy toward the father, the lack of concern over a father's rights to even KNOW his child, the statement about "As long as she gets child support"... they just set me off. It really is not an easy thing to do, most of the time, being on the OTHER end of the whole spectrum of this. And a lot of ignorant people, who have never been through this kind of situation, are passing laws, and passing judgement on males as a whole, based soley on "what if"s, and conjecture. And it is appearant that there are many, even here, who do the same. It just angered and saddened me to have to see that in a place I am quickly growing to love ( MW ) there are the "man-haters" and those who would care less about what part a man plays in the whole creation of a child.

So if anyone was offended, or thought I was singling you out... my apologies.
And if you can read any of my posts, and maybe see things from a father's POV, where before all you could think of was how the mother is going to cope, or how she could best get away with keeping the child away from the child's own FATHER... then thank you.

In the case at hand here, I still say that the father has a right to know. Abusive or not, that child is still a part of him... and when he IS told, then there should be ways to make sure he understands that any abuse of the child... ANY abuse... will terminate his parental rights. If that is not a wake up call to him... then he will, once and for all, prove that he was not cut out to be the father of the child. Thereby losing his rights, as a father, by his own actions, not the actions someone THOUGHT he might be capable of.

[Shanti]

This is his child. Then he has the right to know. The legal issues can be delt with. He has the right to make his choices unless she takes that right away, which is wrong. It is his child, fact.
She has to learn to live with it. She chose to make a child with him. She has to live with that choice.

My 2 cents. :)

[RogueSpirit]

I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my child. We were married and he knew I was pregnant, the pregnancy was planned and occured before the abusive behavior had really happened. The type of abuse I experienced was not something that would have affected my child directly, though had I stayed with him it would have affected her indirectly in ways that I would rather it didn't. In that situation, had the abuse started prior to the pregnancy and marriage and I had left him before knowing I was pregnant, I would have informed him. And in general, I do believe it is only right and fair for the father to be informed of a pregnancy. However, if the father is "psycho" and abusive in a way that could directly affect the child or if telling the father would further endanger the life of the mother, then I think the circumstances make it necessary to not tell him a thing. I don't claim to know the legalities of it, and in many ways don't care about the legalities of it (assuming she is in a position where he wouldn't have any way of finding out)... my concern would be for the safety of the mother and child. That said, none of us know what the real situation between Amanda and the father of her child is so we can only comment on it hypothetically.

[OldSoulsBody]

Amanda, I think I put that.

Well, its actually an amazing story, I only hear about it 2nd hand from SO but let me tell you what I know.

She absolutely LOVES kids, I think (seriously can't remember) but I THINK she had a tubular pregnancy once and it miscarried. NOT SURE. But she was having issues with "down there" and was scheduled for a D&C (??). It got to the point where I think she was going to have to have a hysterectomy, she's 19. Which sucked because she loves kids. Well, in all the she finds out she's pregnant. So this is almost a miracle baby. And of course since this is second hand, I don't what kind of abuse she was getting from this guy but the word psycho keeps popping up.

I seriously don't know how to vote for my own poll. On one hand I think he should know because he's the father. On the other, I've been with psychos & emotional abusers before and to finally be rid of them is like peace on earth. Dunno.

Gotta tell ya though, she's 6 months pregnant, working 2 jobs but was recently told to quit at least one because of the stress its causing. She looks SOOOOOOO cute with that little belly!


That is truly amazing. I personally believe that everything happens for a reason and, in light of what was going on with her feminine health, she probably got pregnant for a divine reason of some sort. Unfortunately, the guy that "donated" is probably unfit for a father. If you're saying that shes 19 chances are the father is young too, and completely incapable of handling the responsibility. She seems very mature if shes working hard and really trying to prepare for this. I'm sure she really wants it...and probably feels that its a great chance for her.

I can't say what I think she should do because I don't know everything but I can say what I would do. If the Ex really is abusive (whether it be physically or emotionally or whatever) he has no place in this childs life. I personally, wouldn't tell him. I hope for her (and baby's) sake that she has a good support system of family and friends that can help her out. Maybe you and your SO could befriend her a bit...

I do know that what she's doing is not easy and I really respect her for it. She has a great strength that I can't say I'd have if in her situation. She'll be in my thoughts and prayers...not only for her situation but also for her health.

::sending energy her way::

[Ravensnest]

This is a random question, random because it does not apply to me but to someone my SO works with. This girl, Amanda, found out she was pregnant a few months after she broke up with her boyfriend. Thing is he is completely psycho and abusive to Amanda. She hasn't told him she's pregnant yet. I believe its more in fear because she finally got him out of her life.

So the question is, do you think she is obligated to tell him he is a father and risk him being back in her life, pretty much forever now?


I think if she NEVER wants any financial help from him it's probably okay to not tell him and just treat it sort of like a sperm donor.

He could very well attempt to use the baby as a way to control her. I'd probably look at it as a clean break and go on with life. But I would also never (not even down the road) feel the need to expect any financial help from him nor would I ever tell who the father was. It would truly be treated as though I'd gone to a sperm bank.

[Ravensnest]

Sorry.... as a father who has been completely removed from his daughter's life based on hearsay and ONE person's un-objective view of what I *might* do.... I cannot respond to this in a way that would be unbiased. All I *can* say, is that whether or not it was intended, this guy is the father. And while a lot of people see a child as the mother's "property" for some reason... Fathers should be afforded their rights and opportunities. **grumbles** I just KNOW this is going to be misunderstood... should have kept my mouth shut... but dammit, I *feel* this one


Hey Wolfie,
I totally understand what you're saying. I'm a woman but married to a man who has children from a former marriage and know all too well how easy men can get the shaft when it comes to their kids.

I can only base my answer on what I personally would do if I were involved with an abusive man and got pregnant. So my choice on the poll is based not on "heresay" but rather on the idea that the abuse is fact.

I do believe however, in most instances fathers should be afforded their rights and realize they aren't. I know the crap we've gone through and in our case it's the other way around. The mother is abusive (more emotionally than physically) and we can do nothing about it. We've tried. It's terribly frustrating.

[OriginalWacky]

I voted the infamous other, because without knowing more of the details, I just couldn't choose one way or the other as being the most correct. If the abuse was severe, then I can condone not telling him at all, but with that comes the responsibility of never asking him for any kind of help or support. If one doesn't want the father to have contact or be as a parent, then one cannot expect him to provide any kind of support, whether emotional, monetary, or otherwise.

On the other hand, if telling him is only to *get* support from him, then I can actually see not telling him as well. That's almost to the point of using the child, and I don't agree with doing that. From my end of several of these situations (either my own or a partner's), I would lean towards telling him. However, legal advice might be the best way to go.

I guess what I really said in all that junk was that only she could actually make that decision, as she is the only one with all the facts.