Invitation to Join a Coven... Help please!

[Gwynna Star]

I wasn't sure where to post this topic, but since I'm a fairly new Wiccan, I thought this would be a good spot for some advice.

Recently I was asked to *possibly* join a coven. I met a few of them through some Wicca classes I've been taking the past year. All of them seem very nice, but I've only heard bad things about joining covens, so I'm a little leary about getting involved.

They first asked me at a Samhain Party, and from there I've been talking with them off and on about it. One of the members said they're an eclectic group and if I'd like to watch some of their rituals I would be welcome to. We've already exchanged phone numbers. And I plan on going to one at the end of this month.

My biggest hurtle is social anxiety... I'm always afraid to join new groups, or do new things with people I'm not very familiar with. So, while I'd like to give it a shot, I'm still a little apprehensive about it. Plus I've heard mixed reviews about covens... :yikess:

I've considered myself solitary, but lately I've felt the need to be around other people who have similar beliefs... If anyone could share their experiences regarding covens, or give out advice that would be great.

[Sylvan]

Sounds like an ideal situation. You go to a circle or two, no pressure, you already know people in the group who seem nice... *shrug* What more could you ask for?

Put right out of your mind those mixed reviews about covens. Unless you've heard something bad about *this* group, it doesn't apply. Any group will have its ups and downs. Just look at us here at MW! :)

[Lunacie]

If they are pressuring you to join their coven now, then quietly turn and walk away. If they tell you that there is only one way to do things, their way, run away.

But it sounds like they are a loose group and aren't like that, so I'd recommend that you attend a few meetings and rituals with them, take some time to get to know them and see how they work together, see whether you would be comfortable with them. Joining a coven is serious business, but it isn't necessarily a lifetime commitment so even if you do join, you may find later on that being part of the group doesn't fit as well and you may go off on your own, and eventually join another group.

[mucgwyrt]

Go for it!
You dont need to be anxious; you've met with them already and they seem nice, right? And there's no pressure if you decide its not for you :)

[Ben Gruagach]

There is an excellent checklist at http://www.neopagan.net/ABCDEF.html (scroll down the page a bit for the list) to help you decide if a particular group is safe and healthy or not.

The checklist is by Isaac Bonewits, and has been around for years. I like to recommend it to anyone who is getting started in occult stuff as it really does help you identify the not-good groups from those that are at the very least just harmless if not balanced and healthy.

[Ivy Artemisia]

It sounds like an ideal opportunity for you! Covens aren't all bad... you can't even trust word of mouth sometimes. Go to a few circles and see if its for you. Or meet with some of the members. Learn a lot about their structure (if they have one), and just see if its a group that you feel like you can grow with. Different people prosper in different sorts of atmosphere... see if its for you. :)

[Sylvan]

There is an excellent checklist at http://www.neopagan.net/ABCDEF.html (scroll down the page a bit for the list) to help you decide if a particular group is safe and healthy or not.

The checklist is by Isaac Bonewits, and has been around for years. I like to recommend it to anyone who is getting started in occult stuff as it really does help you identify the not-good groups from those that are at the very least just harmless if not balanced and healthy.
The ABCDEF is good to apply to *any* group. It helped my family escape the clutches of a born-again christian cult church!

[IndigoMoon]

I agree with everyone. Give it a try! I think the only reason that I don't do the coven thing is because I don't want to conform to the beliefs of another group. I am very oppinionated, and at this point I have been working the craft for 8 years, so I'm kind of set in my ways too. I would hate to have to throw away anything that I have adopted to fit another tradition. But this group is eclectic, and it sounds like they would be open to learning along the way. I also think that you may have gotten this invite as a push from the goddess to help you over come your fear of social situations. My very wonderful and friendly BF has the same social issues, so I know how tough it can be. But it gets easier!! Good Luck to you.

[Calen]

Like someone else already said, ideal situation. They want you to join, so it's not like you have to prove yourself or anything. Just accept the invitation, go to the circle, see how they do things. I'm sure you'll know in your gut after going a few times whether it's right for you.

Good luck!

[elfmage]

I say go for it. If they are not pressuring you, as Lunacie said, then there is not as much to be worried about. Go for a couple of circles, see whether or not you can work with them, and how well the dynamics "flow."

And don't worry about what you have heard about covens in general. Most of them are good, it is just that the problems of a few seem to be remembered more than all the good things. You know, the whole "the reputation of a few ruining the reputation of many" deal.

Good luck, and I hope all goes well!

[Seren_]

So long as they aren't trying to pressure you into anything, then there shouldn't be a problem.

Try a few rituals if they're happy to have you along, it can't hurt; and remember that as much as you need to get along with the people, you also need to get something out of their beliefs and practises as well. See what happens, how things work. Ask yourself...

In spite of any nervousness and shyness, does it all seem appealing to you?
Does it sit well with your beliefs?
Is there anything during the rituals (or from individuals) that makes you uncomfortable, or that you outright disagree with? Can these disagreements be resolved, or would it be better for you to not involve yourself?
Can you see yourself growing and learning spiritually in this kind of environment?

When you consider joining a coven, it's pretty much a two way process. Your fellow coven members will need to get on with you, and you will need to get on with them, in person and in ritual as well.

The first few rituals might be nerve wracking for you, but it's also probably going to be a bit weird for them as well. And in spite of any nervousness you feel that makes you want to shy away, is that a social hangup, or, honestly, a sign that you're not really ready for a coven - or this coven? What do you think you'll get out of coven work, rather than solitary practise? Are there clear pro's for coven work, or more for solitary work?

Make sure that you know the set up as well. Like, do they work skyclad, and are you expected to (if that's an issue for you)? Some covens require it, some are happy with it as an option, and some don't at all.

After a few rituals and you decide that you might be able to become more permanently involved, make sure you consider some more questions...are you going to get training or guidance from this coven? Which I assume is one reason why you're joining, so make sure you know what that training might involve, and who will be training you. Do you think you could get on with them as a teacher as well as a covenmate? You may be asked to spend a certain amount of time training each week, or be required to attend a certain amount of rituals and so on. Basically, how much commitment is required, once you decide to join?

What are you letting yourself in for? In a nutshell.

Some covens can be quite strict, which can be off putting for some people. Others can find it provides the discipline they need...so what do you need to get the most out of your experience with these people? Does what they offer come some way to meeting your criteria, and can you meet theirs?

At the end of the day, a coven experience can be a wonderful thing, for the right person with the right people. Often, a bad experience comes from a) a person joining a coven for the wrong reasons, or b) joining a group with whom they are not really suited. I would add that b) also includes those people who are running a coven just for a power or ego trip (in my book), and that a) can include any number of things - personal power trips included.

All too often you hear of the bad experiences people have; and their warnings and experiences should be heeded. But this doesn't mean all covens are bad. In fact, a coven experience can often be a very good thing, provided you go into it with your eyes open wide...Think and meditate on it, ask questions when you feel it's an appropriate time to bring them up with the coven...Ultimately, make your decisions based on your needs and desires, with a healthy dose of what your intuition or gut tells you too. It might be scary and intimidating, but sometimes we need to take those scary steps. And once all things are considered, I don't think you can really go wrong from there. /ramble :D

[Jenett]

That sounds like people are being pretty sane: the offers they've made you are pretty common for groups looking for new members. They sound like they expect you to take some time, and that's very good.

Personally, I find it easier to avoid being nervous when I'm doing stuff with new people that involves *doing* stuff. You go to ritual, you do stuff in ritual. After ritual, you can talk about the ritual.

If they've been running a group for a while, they probably have some experience asking questions to help make you feel comfortable or answer any questions you have. But you've already got some built in subjects to discuss!

My experience with a coven and with eclectic tradition training have been fantastic and *very* good for me. It is a time commitment, I do sometimes do the "Gah, I have to do that, don't I?" stuff, I sometimes get nervous. But I have some great friends because of it, and my religious life is the better for it.

If you can get it to load (I can't right now) www.wyrdweavers.org/files/cashi.html is also a good "Things to watch out for in coven settings" list. (Most covens aren't like that: this is the nasty stuff.)

[Gwynna Star]

Wow! Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies and advice! I will be sure to think about all these things while attending the ritual, and if I do decide to join or not join the coven.

As far as my anxiety, I see a Therapist every 2 weeks for it. Maybe I'll see if she has a few ideas to help me not be so nervous around new people. I've pretty much been a recluse for the past 1 1/2 years due to my anxiety disorder. I even had to quit working, and just stay home and take care of myself. I am feeling much better, but getting back out into the world is still a bit challenging.

Thanks again! All the folks at MW have helped me out so much! You're truly a magickal group! _wiz_ _wiz_ _wiz_

[SamTheBlob]

yeah every one pretty much covered it. When I started out my coven/group, was too immature about our situation.Bad things happened because we were stupid. Just because of what I said doesnt mean itll suck for you. Like evey one said already pay no attention if they are trying to pressure you into joining, it sounds like their not so thats not really a problem. Go to a few circles, rituals and dances (i do dances i donno about any one else), and see if the way they do things are good for you ^.^