A question about sex

[Rockprincess]

This is a general question, I think we can keep it pg, or at least pg-14 ;), and I don't think it applies to MW After Dark. However, if you admins feel it needs to move, go ahead.

This past weekend we were visiting my husband's best friend and his wife. They're a wonderful couple with 3 children (two of whom she gave birth to). The youngest is now 3.

After the visit, my husband remarked to me that his friend's wife had better start finding a way to satisfy her man, or he might start finding ways to do it himself.

This wasn't a shock to me - I've known all along that she wasn't really someone who was interested in sex at all, while he's someone with a high drive. It's not something I really understand, having a high drive myself, but I know it's the case.

What I'm wondering is, how common is that? Do you know many people who have almost no interest in sex? Aside from issues of abuse, etc. There's nothing like that here, she's just not that into it. And if you were in a relationship with someone who had the opposite kind of drive that you did - how would you handle it?

[Tzhebee]

I don't think I know of anyone who doesn't really have a drive...but I know of a lot of people who supress it, due to lack of "company".

But, as far as opposite drives, that me and my SO. He's on the lower end of the drive scale, while I'm on the higher end. It's rather frustrating at times...like 3 years ago when he went through a "celebate" period of 9 months. :bug:

And he realizes that we have different drives, which is why we have a partially open relationship. I am free to date women, just no other men. So that, and self-pleasure, is what helps me handle it.

[Mithrea]

I've been supressing it so long that yes, I have been accused of not having a drive at all. Sounds to me like *he's* the one who needs to figure something out. She has one, trust me.

[misschief]

for me it depends on the person. the other person. right now i'm kind of like.. yeah whatever... with most people it's never enough with me though. lol. it's all in the other person for me .. *shrug*

[Angelus_Errare]

Well me being a Sagittiarus, and a fire sign at the same time, puts me at a very high end of the sexual spectrum. But I do know a select few that have almost zero interest in sex. I think its normal for them.. I could never live that way, but to each their own. Don't get me wrong I am not all about sex either. I actually think it refreshing that there are others who don't really like it. I think its more common than most people think. :)

[Semele]

Most of my friends are horn dogs, but I have known some folks who had a low or no drive. It certainly can present problems as much as we like to think it wouldn't.

[vulfsung]

Having had a household full of kids, I can tell you, there are times when sex is the last thing on my mind...and Hubby's raring to go any and all the time. It's certainly not that I don't have a high drive, but man, chase after a bunch of kids all day, clean the house, laundry, cook meals for everyone, then realize that I have several hours of work to do after everyone's in bed, well, sex is just not a priority!! Especially when Hubby works 8 hours, comes home, eats dinner and watches tv 'til bed!! :alol:

So, in the interest of staying married, 'cause I really do love the big lug, even if he can't see past his own nose some days :bigblue: we decided that half the house work is his, and I'd make more playing time for him in the evenings, before I retire to the workshop....

Perhaps if she's just not that into it, they need to find something that would make her more interested? Maybe they just haven't hit on what does it for her? :bothsides

[CzechWoods]

This is a general question, I think we can keep it pg, or at least pg-14 ;), and I don't think it applies to MW After Dark. However, if you admins feel it needs to move, go ahead.

This past weekend we were visiting my husband's best friend and his wife. They're a wonderful couple with 3 children (two of whom she gave birth to). The youngest is now 3.

After the visit, my husband remarked to me that his friend's wife had better start finding a way to satisfy her man, or he might start finding ways to do it himself.

This wasn't a shock to me - I've known all along that she wasn't really someone who was interested in sex at all, while he's someone with a high drive. It's not something I really understand, having a high drive myself, but I know it's the case.

What I'm wondering is, how common is that? Do you know many people who have almost no interest in sex? Aside from issues of abuse, etc. There's nothing like that here, she's just not that into it. And if you were in a relationship with someone who had the opposite kind of drive that you did - how would you handle it?

in a nutshell:

what are we given hands and imagination for?

high sex drive: masturbate

still on sex thrive: masturbate more.

why is that such a taboo?

sheesh

[Rockprincess]

in a nutshell:

what are we given hands and imagination for?

high sex drive: masturbate

still on sex thrive: masturbate more.

why is that such a taboo?

sheesh
That's already part of it, beleive me! But after a while, you want to make love to your spouse, not just yourself!

[Seren_]

After the visit, my husband remarked to me that his friend's wife had better start finding a way to satisfy her man, or he might start finding ways to do it himself.

:lol: That's a very male way of looking at it. Sorry. Couldn't resist. EDA: And I assume your hubby is referring to more than just a "hands on" approach...

There are some people who would define themselves as asexual - without any sort of drive or inclination. From what I've read, anyway, so not from any personal experience, please correct me if I'm wrong.

What I can say with some certainty is that couples rarely have the same kind of drive...this can cause problems, especially if they're both at the opposite ends of the spectrum, so to speak.

It can be a simple question of night vs day. Men wake up ready and raring to go because they have higher testosterone levels after rest, so usually in the morning...women tend towards the evening when they've done stuff and can therefore relax; but a lot of time they might be too knackered by then, so not be in the mood because of that.

Women tend to be more psychological in their approach to sex, consciously or not. Men tend to be more visually stimulated than psychologically aroused. So the whole issue can be a matter of compromise on both sides, like most big issues in a relationship. Perhaps it's not a case that she needs to look after his needs, but he needs to look after the kids more and help her out? Maybe he earns money all day and she doesn't, but looking after kids and a house is a full time job too...perhaps more so.

[Rockprincess]

:lol: That's a very male way of looking at it. Sorry. Couldn't resist. EDA: And I assume your hubby is referring to more than just a "hands on" approach...
:lol: Yes it is, and yes.

[Seren_]

:lol: Yes it is, and yes.

Well, according to experts, it's a very healthy thing to do, alone or otherwise. And it can be a very good learning curve for those partners that need...handy hints...

[banondraig]

that really sucks. my best friend in the states had that problem with her husband, only the other way around, and they're divorced now. unfortunately i don't have any ideas that haven't already been covered.

[CleftOfLight]

either have an open relationship,or lots of oral action.Thats what I would suggest.

[CzechWoods]

That's already part of it, beleive me! But after a while, you want to make love to your spouse, not just yourself!

umm, no.
thats not the point.

egoism has no place in a devoted relationship.

it is not about what one wants but what both want. if its not both wants, and one needs more sex, there is still masturbation.

if they knew how to fulfil themselves there would not be any problem. the problem is in the thinking: i am in a relationship now my sexuality is in the hands of the other basically. but it isnt.

i stay with my oppinion. masturbation is they key

[Seren_]

Sometimes women need persuading. Us girls like to know we're special. If her guy was that fussed, he'd make an effort, no? It doesn't have to be overt. A nice romantic dinner, a bath, a massage.

Of course, these things work the other way too. Men like to know they're wanted, and need a bit of pampering too. Sometimes it gets to the stage where both sides expect to be given...but can't quite give themselves. That's where the big problems come into play, IMHO. Usually it boils down to personal insecurities and miscommunication.

[skilly-nilly]

After the visit, my husband remarked to me that his friend's wife had better start finding a way to satisfy her man, or he might start finding ways to do it himself.

This wasn't a shock to me - I've known all along that she wasn't really someone who was interested in sex at all, while he's someone with a high drive. It's not something I really understand, having a high drive myself, but I know it's the case.


I think it's a skewed perception of marriage to think that either the frequency of sex must be set to the highest partner's level or implicit permission is given for infidelity. If you knew that they didn't have matching sex drives then surely they knew it too, and got married and had children anyway. They should have already come to some resolution of the problem. Not 'openness' or masterbation, but a personal admission of what's more important---getting his rocks off or being a full and trustworthy husband to his wife.

Many people want a comitted and exclusive relationship when they marry--if your husband's friend's wife is one of them then by going elsewhere for sex her husband is telling her that his sexual satisfaction is more important to him than their mutual trust. Which makes him pretty much of a sleaze in my book. By demanding that she put out up to his sexual level, he is telling her that his sexual satisfaction is more important than her feelings or comfort. Which makes him pretty much of a sleaze in my book. He needs to ask himself how he ranks sexual satisfaction, rather than randying around with a stiff one yelling GIMME!

Possibly this is one of their problems. If he is constantly pressuring her to have sex (overtly or implicitly), it would inevitably lower her sex drive. Maybe they should set a period where only she initiates sex and see if her sex drive rises in the absence of pressure. Possibly it would encourage him to find out more about what her actual turn-ons are if Neanderthalic grunting 'wnt sme UNGH' is no longer in the picture.

My husband has strong sexual preferences and a low sex drive. When I married him, it was in the knowledge that I will no longer have the types of sex he doesn't like nor will I have sex as often as I might like. That's what marriage means to me. I don't prowl around looking for frequent sex with some beefy Nordic-looking type---I have already chosen otherwise, and I'm happy with my choice. I will occasionally suggest that we have sex, but if he says he doesn't feel like it I'm ok with that, I don't think sex-on-demand is a part of the marriage contract. Trust is.

:abbed: , skilly-nilly

[misschief]

i stay with my oppinion. masturbation is they keyeh, i don't think so. if i wanna do it myself, i can do that all day without being in a relationship. and if i gotta do it myself all the time, i will end up not in a relationship. apparently that's not the norm, but hey.. when it's with me, it's my way, or no way. *shrug* that's not going to change.

[mucgwyrt]

It can be a simple question of night vs day. Men wake up ready and raring to go because they have higher testosterone levels after rest, so usually in the morning...women tend towards the evening when they've done stuff and can therefore relax; but a lot of time they might be too knackered by then, so not be in the mood because of that.


:uhhuhuh: thats me any my other half (well, the other way round) - our drives are very similar, but I'm a morning person because by the evening I'm utterly exhausted, having m.e./cfs, and hes an evening person because he feels he has "stuff to do" which he can't relax til its all done!

To be honest it doesn't cause too many problems (I wont say why, it will probably break the pg13 thingy ;) )

[soilsigh aingeal]

I don't know what the situation is but it could be depression, anyone can get that. She could also be really tired, I guess. I know guys who've gone and gotten what they needed somewhere else and I know someone who was on the verge of walking away from their marriage because of something like this only it was the male who wasn't giving any attention in that situation. He needs to be up front and honest with her about this and if it's a case of depression she needs to go to a doctor.

ETA: I also agree with the constant 'bringing up the subject' that's a way to turn me off, if I go through a spurt like that, I just don't want to be bothered with it for a few days and it's ended up turning in to more than just a few days, when I was with my ex, that happened to me and it made sex seem like a chore. It just wasn't fun. Maybe they need to take a weekend away without the kids. I don't know, but he needs to sit down and chat with her.

[Jackiedanielz]

What I'm wondering is, how common is that? Do you know many people who have almost no interest in sex? Aside from issues of abuse, etc. There's nothing like that here, she's just not that into it. And if you were in a relationship with someone who had the opposite kind of drive that you did - how would you handle it?
Its wicked common. Called low libido.
Had a thread on it somewhere...ah here it is (http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=74235&highlight=libido).

[Rockprincess]

I think it's a skewed perception of marriage to think that either the frequency of sex must be set to the highest partner's level or implicit permission is given for infidelity. If you knew that they didn't have matching sex drives then surely they knew it too, and got married and had children anyway. They should have already come to some resolution of the problem. Not 'openness' or masterbation, but a personal admission of what's more important---getting his rocks off or being a full and trustworthy husband to his wife.
I think maybe I didn't clarify very well. He has always been extremely understanding about her lack of libido, and I would say it is the *other* way around, where frequency of sex is set entirely at her level. In my mind, they should find a mutual consensus. I feel that by *never* accomodating his desires, she is creating as much of the problem as he is.

Also - the friend never indicated that he was thinking of fooling around, that was just my husband's interpretation of what might happen if the two of them don't get their relationship sorted out.

I think the problem is that they didn't have a real relationship before kids - they got pregnant almost immediately after they started seeing each other. They didn't get married until that child was 2, but nonetheless, I think they missed an important stage in a relationship - sorting out whether or not you are sexually compatible. _inabox_

[Autumn Angel Mardi]

Well, yes I have a friend who does think about sex but has no desire to do it, or even go out with anyone. Its' beyond me how anyone can be that way myself, but I don't think she likes the thought of the physical contact, and the psychological, and bodily effects. I can't explain it, without probing questions, shes just doesnt have the drive or personality, her friend whom I dont really know, is prudish about it as well, even more so than said mate. Though I want to do it till my hips go numb!

[mucgwyrt]

I think maybe I didn't clarify very well. He has always been extremely understanding about her lack of libido, and I would say it is the *other* way around, where frequency of sex is set entirely at her level. In my mind, they should find a mutual consensus. I feel that by *never* accomodating his desires, she is creating as much of the problem as he is.

Also - the friend never indicated that he was thinking of fooling around, that was just my husband's interpretation of what might happen if the two of them don't get their relationship sorted out.

I think the problem is that they didn't have a real relationship before kids - they got pregnant almost immediately after they started seeing each other. They didn't get married until that child was 2, but nonetheless, I think they missed an important stage in a relationship - sorting out whether or not you are sexually compatible. _inabox_
I know what you're saying, but you can't expect her to go to bed when she really doesn't want to. Apart from anything else, it will create a bit of a negative connection between sex and being 'forced' into it.