Mother vs Boyfriend

[teaganuriel13]

So, here's my dealio. My family and i went to Colorado to visit my sister and while we were there my mom basically told me that i needed to break-up with my boyfriend (she didn't know that we were dating at first but she told me to after she found out). Very Sadly i consented and broke-up with him. Niether of us were happy about it and he thought it was because i didn't want to be with him. Since i'm 18, shouldn't i be able to decide who i get to date and where i get to go with them and what i do with them? I mean i appreciate her opinion but i can't believe she's trying to force it on me! I really want to be with him, we were even talking about getting married later but my mom is too big of an obsticle.

[Nighthawk]

Hmmmm, I can best answer this by 'think hard about this'. You are 18 and questioning her authority.. well, if you were away, you could do what you wish. i don't know why she does not like him. I do wish you peace and luck, it might get messy.

[Temptation]

So what were your mother's reasons for asking you to break up with him?
And if you still love him, why did you agree to it?

[WickedBttrfly]

Yeah, she's your mom, but you're 18 years old. Don't give her that authority over you. If you want to be with him try to talk to her to explain how you feel about him. And if that doesn't work, tell her tough shit. lol

[Rockprincess]

Did your mom give you reasons why she thought you should break up? Parents often have much better instincts on that kind of thing than we do. My mom pointed out a few things about some of the guys I dated...and after I broke up with them, I always realized..."what was I thinking?!"

edited to add: Like it or not, 18 or not, if you are living under her roof, you follow her rules.

[teaganuriel13]

She thinks we "arn't thinking" in our relationship, just doing stuff out of the blue and not thinking about three fold. We haven't even done anything that would produce bad karma! She talks about him like he's the big bad wolf yet she doesn't even know him! It seems to me that she just hates him. I'm going to move out soon anyway so she won't have too much jurisdiction over anything.

[mayla]

Hey I know exactly how you feel I'm 19 and my mom still does things like that to me and thats the main reason why I don't date anymore and am waiting until after I move out. You need to try and sit down with her and ask her why she doesn't like your boyfriend. I really hope it goes good for you and good luck.

[Merewyn]

1. You're 18, in the matters of relationships, if you're happy with the relationship, then hurrah! and mom can shove it. *sorry, that was mean*

2. However, I agree, ask you mom WHY she feels the way she does. I have no clue what she means by you aren't thinking... Aren't thinking about what?? I'm confuzzled about this.

3. If her responses/reasons have no bearing (go against what is actually going on in the relationship) tell your mom thanks for the input, but it's YOUR relationship, not hers.

4. Go back to your bf and talk. Tell him you do want to be with him. Only trouble is, he's going to be a little wounded and worried because now he's going to be concerned, because now he's going to wonder: are you going to be true to yourself, to him, or your mom?

I had similar problems. Josh and I have been together a little over 6 years. We're high school sweethearts. For a long time, my mom would go on about how she didn't like this or that about Josh - she'd nitpick the weirdest stuff - when she never even spent time with him herself! When I confronted her with this, she couldn't say much. By the way, this STILL continues on from time to time. You'd think she'd get the hint by now.

What it boils down to in my case is that my mom has her own relationship issues (and she has a lot). For a while she was terrified that I was only looking for a father figure in a relationship (since I had never had one) and it took her forever to figure out that wasn't the case. Then she was worried that I was limiting myself because we started entering into the "long term" phase (her last "long term" happened to be an affair situation - he promised he'd get a divorce, even proposed to my mom, but he never left his wife, and mom finally broke it off after 9 years. And would you believe it? The wife took him back!?). Like I said, she has a lot of unresolved issues, and she's moving her failings onto me.

Yes, Josh and I have our problems, our up and downs. And he may not do everything just right, or as my mother would want him to do things. But, like I said, this is MY relationship, not my mothers. It's about what makes ME happy, not my mom.

In the meantime, keep your chin up, follow your heart, and I hope things work out.

[Carickah]

Well, there are two things that jump out at me. The first is that you are 18. You should be allowed to make your own choices. The second is that you still live at home. Not necessarily a bad thing, but you do have to conform to the rule of the house. Outside that, I see no reason for you not to see someone if you aren't breaking any rules. I would seriously question your mother as to why she thinks this relationship should be broken off, and get specific answers. Look in her eyes when she tells you. Then consider this. Could she be telling you to break it off because she doesn't want to lose you? What if you went off to college or the military? Would her reaction be similar? What if you got a great job offer on the other side of the country? If the reaction would be or is similar, then maybe all you have to do is explain that you will always be her daughter and that you love her very much, but you are an adult and you need to make your own life. Be gentle, but firm. Good luck.


k

[Merewyn]

Just a side note, but I'm 22 and still living at home with my mother. But I take care of all my own bills and pay a portion of the rent. (I just don't make enough money to support myself in an apartment) Under her roof or no, your mother should still respect your decisions as an adult.

[lilromantyc]

I'd suggest sitting down and talking (nicely) with your mom about why she thinks you two "aren't thinking" and why she "hates" your boyfriend. I agree that you're 18 and can make your own decisions, but don't just blow off your mother's opinion because you're legal now. Feel her out, think a little on it, and see if maybe she has a reasonable point for feeling the way she does.Then you can figure things out from there. Hope all goes well.

[bshore]

Well, not to question your relationship with your mother, but I find it odd that the minute your mother mentions breaking up with a guy, you go ahead and do it. Now, if this were me, I would never just break it off with a guy simply because one other person thought I should. Why didn't you talk to her about it? Why didn't you talk to your bf about it? Unless there was a more serious issue going on here, such as your boyfriend doing something he shouldn't be or treating your mother or you badly, I don't understand your reaction to this.

So, I agree with everyone else here who says you should talk to them both. That may be hard now that you've already broken up, but if this is still bothering you, there are obviously unresolved issues you need to work out.

Good luck. This sounds like a tough situation.

Blessings.

[teaganuriel13]

everytime i ask her why she doesn't like him, she says ," how do you know i don't like him?" she tries to change the subject or just plain ignores me. i think it's pretty obvious that she doesn't like him, if she askes me about him she says his name like it's a nasty disease. She let's me hang out with other guy friends but she thinks we're gonna go do the hunky dorry if we're alone together, which niether of us or going to do til we're married. She did back off a tiny bit when i told her that i wanted her opinion but not to inforce it upon me. I told Chris (that's his name btw) that i wanted to be with him. He knows my mom doesn't like him, but whatever hopefully she'll back off soon.

[Moon Daughter]

my cousin's mother hated all of her boyfriends and told her to leave them as soon as the relationship got serious.
at first, she listened to her mom since she thought that mom knows better and this is not the right guy. a few years ago, my cousin met this absolutely amazing guy, and her mother hated him instantly. she wouldn't even say hello to him and would always badmouth him without even knowing him.
as it turned out, her mother did not want to lose her daughter, which is why she was doing it.
thankfully, when Marina announced her engagement to him, and her mother realized that whether she is happy or not, the daughter is going, she eased a bit...
and even congratulated him at their wedding! :)

[StephanieAine]

Speaking as the mother of a teenager myself (my daughter is 19)...

My daughter had a boyfriend for 4 years, and even though I told her (after 3 years) that I did think she should break up with him - but that if she didn't, of course, I would still love her and treat her boyfriend (or future husband, as the case may be) with respect etc. and would accept him as family etc... however, I had concerns about emotional abusiveness. I was honest with her, and she was honest in return; she, too, had problems with him but thought they'd work out. She did end up breaking up with him.

Now she's with a new boyfriend. Yet he is a different person than the other guy was; in fact, this new boyfriend *started out* making some very serious mistakes (the kind that make me question whether he is safe for her to even be around at all), so *he created* a situation where I am seeing that he is probably not trustworthy, and in fact may be worse than that.

So with the first boyfriend, there were 4 years - and in the early years, he did seem to be an okay guy and I was able to develop a decent relationship with him (he even called me Mom). It didn't break down until the end. But with this new boyfriend... we're now in Month #2, and already I see that there are huge problems.

I've told my daughter that I think she should get out of the new relationship... but she realizes that I'm not ***ordering*** her to break up; I'm just pointing out what I see, and explaining why.

What I'm trying to do is show that when a mother starts talking about a boyfriend and how she thinks you should break up, she's doing it because she has serious concerns. It's not worth it to potentially have an argument with your daughter over a boyfriend just because of something *small* - and in fact, a boyfriend may be *good* for the daughter. So if a mother is actually to the point of not just saying what she dislikes or is concerned about, but she's actually *saying* you should **end** that relationship... then she's not kidding. Something is wrong and she's wanting you to see it... and she also is saying that she doesn't see a *fixable* problem (apparently, your mother doesn't see a possiblity of the relationship working in a healthy way, or the only solution she sees is for you to be away from the person).

So - if the mother has concerns that have given her reason to actually *order* a break up, the questions would be - what exactly are her concerns? What is this guy like? What has happened in the relationship timeline? What needs to be noticed?

If you're 18, she knows you're old enough to choose your own boyfriends... but when you're 18, you're also old enough to handle it if your boyfriend *isn't* the best boyfriend to have, and if your mother is speaking to you as an adult daughter, telling you that this is - in her older, wiser viewpoint - something that she sees as a potential train wreck. I think she's hoping that you recognize that she *might* be right. Then again, she might be wrong.

To those who focus on the "being 18 = you have authority" viewpoint: I can understand taking the stance of "I'm 18, I can do it if I want to" etc... but an even clearer sign of maturity would be "I'm 18, and I'm responsible for my decisions... so sometimes it's a good idea to listen to the perspectives of older adults, in case their experience can teach me something." No matter what age you are, especially when it comes to relationships, sometimes people on the outside of the relationship can see things you might not see... and if it's your mom, she has the added ability of knowing you really well, and understanding how you might be being affected in a given situation.

[~Anamorata~]

I'm with everyone else on this: WHY would you just go and break up with your b/f, just because your mom told you to? You're 18, and from experience, at 18, you're considered an ADULT. My mom never liked any of the guys I dated, but she never told me to break up with them...she voiced her opinion, and then let me sink or swim. She was usually right, but it was left to ME to find out for myself. She never liked my daughter's father(now I know why), and she didn't really have much to say about my SO now, which meant he was PERFECT!!!

I'm just mystified by why you would just do what you did, at the drop of a hat? :geez:

[teaganuriel13]

Thanx guys, i appreciate all your imput. I'm going to try to talk to my mom and see if there's anything i can do to ease any tension.