Aleigh
December 15th, 2004, 10:22 AM
For years now I've been an agnostic. I've always said that I was sure there was "something" but I didn't know what "it" was and I wasn't going to worry about it until a god(dess) came along and slapped me upside the head and said "Pay attention!!!"
I think maybe I'm getting slapped now, and I'm kind of freaking out! :lol: The closest I've gotten to believing in a specific goddess before was this warm fuzzy feeling that it would be nice if Brigid would pop up in my living room. I like the story of Brigid, but I never felt like, say, she was standing looking over my shoulder or anything.
The last few months something weird has been going on. It started when I had this dream one night that I was walking along this road with trees on both sides. It was kind of dark I guess. I don't really remember the dream that well now because it was about 2 months ago. Anyway, this woman came along the road and I don't remember much about it other than that she said she was going to give me a gift and then this bird flew into my hand. I think maybe she had horses with her, I really don't remember. A few days later I was randomly checking out forums and ended up in the tarot forum and decided to try to find my deck that I got years ago and could never figure out. It's the Universal Waite deck and there is a picture on the box that looks just like the bird in my dream! And now...I can read Tarot all the sudden. I'm not great at it but I can at least see meanings in the pictures that are close to what the references say and I could never do that before! That freaked me out a bit.
Soooo...I've been learning to meditate. Last week I had this weird meditation where I actually lost feeling in my body and felt like I was floating, and I ended up at this camp on a lake. (I didn't fall asleep, I could hear my kids running around downstairs the whole tim e). This beautiful woman about my age came up to me and started talking to me. We were sitting there looking at the moon on the water and I tried to ask her her name and the closest I could come to what she was saying was something like "Lilian" She laughed and said that wasn't it but that I'd figure out who she was soon, and then she said she'd see me again and told me to wake up and next thing I knew I was back in my room, sitting up on my bed...freaking out.
Last night I was randomly checking out forums again when I ended up in the MW Book of Shadows thread reading a post about goddesses. The about finding your birth goddess. I was born during the full moon. I've always been obsessed with full moons, but I guess it never occurred to me that there is a goddess of the full moon. Anyway, according to the post my goddess is Selene. I'd never heard of her before but as soon as I read the name I got chills. I started researching her and all the info I found about her has so many weird connectionss for me that when I told my husband about it (he's an agnostic too) he started getting kind of freaked too. For one thing...there were several references to her being called Phoebe. I have always loved the name Phoebe. My cat's name is Phoebe! I wanted to name my daughter Phoebe if I ever had one, but ended up with two boys. A few sites said her tree is the willow. I have had dreams ever since we lived here about a pale woman sitting in the big willow tree in our back yard in the moonlight, just laughing and swinging her legs. I've even told Dan that is our goddess tree. One of my cockatiels is named Willow. Oh, the other thing...I don't have an alter, per se, but I do have a collection of things on my bookcase in the living room where I keep my witchy books and things that have special meaning to me. One of them is a statue that Dan says he thought was supposed to be Artemis...he bought it in Greece when he was in the Navy, and I stole it from his statue collection because I just called to me. The other statue (also from Greece and stolen from Dan) is of a lion. I've always loved lions and end up buying stuffed lions whenever I see them. When I read the story of the Nemean lion I actually had to get off the computer and go lay down. I swear I heard this voice in my head laughing and saying "I told you you'd figure it out!" There's other things too...the horses...I've always loved horses...I used to have one when I was a kid. My very first piece of "pagan" jewelry is of a woman sitting on the moon. I bought it and just had to wear it even though I didn't exactly believe in any goddesses. I can't even keep track anymore of all the things I suddenly realized were associated with Her.
Anyway, is my mind just playing tricks on me or should I start to worry about all the times I said I would believe in a god or goddess when they appeared in our living room and zapped me with lightning? ;) It's just too many things for me to pass it off as nothing, but I really don't know how to go from being an agnostic (sometimes even athiest) to...to...what am I supposed to do now?! :lol: This is so surreal...
I think maybe I'm getting slapped now, and I'm kind of freaking out! :lol: The closest I've gotten to believing in a specific goddess before was this warm fuzzy feeling that it would be nice if Brigid would pop up in my living room. I like the story of Brigid, but I never felt like, say, she was standing looking over my shoulder or anything.
The last few months something weird has been going on. It started when I had this dream one night that I was walking along this road with trees on both sides. It was kind of dark I guess. I don't really remember the dream that well now because it was about 2 months ago. Anyway, this woman came along the road and I don't remember much about it other than that she said she was going to give me a gift and then this bird flew into my hand. I think maybe she had horses with her, I really don't remember. A few days later I was randomly checking out forums and ended up in the tarot forum and decided to try to find my deck that I got years ago and could never figure out. It's the Universal Waite deck and there is a picture on the box that looks just like the bird in my dream! And now...I can read Tarot all the sudden. I'm not great at it but I can at least see meanings in the pictures that are close to what the references say and I could never do that before! That freaked me out a bit.
Soooo...I've been learning to meditate. Last week I had this weird meditation where I actually lost feeling in my body and felt like I was floating, and I ended up at this camp on a lake. (I didn't fall asleep, I could hear my kids running around downstairs the whole tim e). This beautiful woman about my age came up to me and started talking to me. We were sitting there looking at the moon on the water and I tried to ask her her name and the closest I could come to what she was saying was something like "Lilian" She laughed and said that wasn't it but that I'd figure out who she was soon, and then she said she'd see me again and told me to wake up and next thing I knew I was back in my room, sitting up on my bed...freaking out.
Last night I was randomly checking out forums again when I ended up in the MW Book of Shadows thread reading a post about goddesses. The about finding your birth goddess. I was born during the full moon. I've always been obsessed with full moons, but I guess it never occurred to me that there is a goddess of the full moon. Anyway, according to the post my goddess is Selene. I'd never heard of her before but as soon as I read the name I got chills. I started researching her and all the info I found about her has so many weird connectionss for me that when I told my husband about it (he's an agnostic too) he started getting kind of freaked too. For one thing...there were several references to her being called Phoebe. I have always loved the name Phoebe. My cat's name is Phoebe! I wanted to name my daughter Phoebe if I ever had one, but ended up with two boys. A few sites said her tree is the willow. I have had dreams ever since we lived here about a pale woman sitting in the big willow tree in our back yard in the moonlight, just laughing and swinging her legs. I've even told Dan that is our goddess tree. One of my cockatiels is named Willow. Oh, the other thing...I don't have an alter, per se, but I do have a collection of things on my bookcase in the living room where I keep my witchy books and things that have special meaning to me. One of them is a statue that Dan says he thought was supposed to be Artemis...he bought it in Greece when he was in the Navy, and I stole it from his statue collection because I just called to me. The other statue (also from Greece and stolen from Dan) is of a lion. I've always loved lions and end up buying stuffed lions whenever I see them. When I read the story of the Nemean lion I actually had to get off the computer and go lay down. I swear I heard this voice in my head laughing and saying "I told you you'd figure it out!" There's other things too...the horses...I've always loved horses...I used to have one when I was a kid. My very first piece of "pagan" jewelry is of a woman sitting on the moon. I bought it and just had to wear it even though I didn't exactly believe in any goddesses. I can't even keep track anymore of all the things I suddenly realized were associated with Her.
Anyway, is my mind just playing tricks on me or should I start to worry about all the times I said I would believe in a god or goddess when they appeared in our living room and zapped me with lightning? ;) It's just too many things for me to pass it off as nothing, but I really don't know how to go from being an agnostic (sometimes even athiest) to...to...what am I supposed to do now?! :lol: This is so surreal...