Discussing tragedy with your children

[Faery-Wings]

I thought that this might be a good place for us to talk about the things we can do to help our children understand this horrible tragedy.

My DD will be three on the 21st and she doesn't understand much of what is happening. My DS is five and has watched a little of the news with us. He is full of questions and we have told him, simply, that some bad people attacked some big buildings in America. As we live so close to NYC, he recognizes it on TV and remembers that just last year Dad worked in NYC.

We have been lighting white candles and I have him think of teh World feeling peaceful and happy again. I asked him to pray for those who were hurt but he didn't really understand what I meant by "pray."

Here I some links that I have. I haven't had much time to look through them, so I hope they are helpful.
http://www.talkingwithkids.org/television/twk-news.html
http://www.angelfire.com/biz3/news/v1art1.html
http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/news/news4-21.htm
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/news.html


BB

Chris

[Myst]

Maybe tell him that he can "pray" for these people by thinking good thoughts about them and their families. By him thinking of everything being happy and peaceful again, in a way, I think that is a prayer.

Anyways, I know it's a trying time and I wish you blessings in helping your children to get through this as well as yourself.

[Hope]

Great topic!

My kids are 11 & 13. we have been talking alot, and working on puzzles (jig saw) to talk about how everything is connected and so are our actions. We have been sending positive energy and lighting candles with intent. I just feel like I could do more with them and don't know what to do. We have talked openly and honestly and cried. Today we discussed the intent to live in a world filled with compassion and not to live in revenge. The hardest part was watching the children on TV yesterday celebrating what happened in America, and trying to explain why they hate us so much.

Good luck to each of you and I look forward to reading your solutions, because I know I haven't done enough.

love
hope

[Twilight Garden]

This is a BIG concern at my house. We would appreciate any thoughts.

My fiance has an 8 yr old whose mother is moving over-seas this month. Her mom is leaving soon. The child already has the flight to visit her Mom for Yule reserved and paid for. One of her favorite singers just died in a plane crash. Now all this with the terrorists. There is no way to avoid informing her of what's going on around her. I'm afraid of how terrified she must be. She doesn't open up that much when it involves her fears, even though she is an open book other-wise. We try to reasure her that it's going to be ok. She was scared when the singer died and said, "That won't happen to me." We told her, "Of course not." Any thoughts? Thanks.

[MammaStar]

My son and I have talked about it a lot these past few days. It's mainly been me iniating (sp???) the conversations, but that's okay by me.

He's 9 and just entered the 4th grade. They told the older kids @ his elementary school what was happening because the kids were being told they were being sent home, but ONLY if a parent was home.

When I picked him up from his after school care, the first question he asked was "where is joe?" Joe is my Eschallet's best friend and works as an electrician's apprentence (sp??) in NYC. Luckily, Eschallet had heard from him by 4 pm and we knew he got home safe & sound. I told him that he was indeed home, and he got to talk to Joe on the phone later that evening.

He was scared, and I was very honest with him. I explained to him that I was just as afraid and really couldn't explain why these crazy people did what they did.

Today, before I dropped him off for school, I told him about the airports were being opened again and that if he heard a plane, not to be scared. That we were indeed safe and that hopefully our Prez won't let something like this happen again.

These may not be solutions, but for us, it's how it is being handled in our house. I hope I helped anyone out a little bit.

BTW, we also limited his radio & tv time this week. He saw the initial pictures ONCE, as we all know, ONCE is quite enough. The rest of the time, he's watched Toon network & Nickelodeon. I won't even let him watch ESPN right now, and my son is as big a sport nut as I am!

Only you know your child best, and my only "constant" suggestion is to be open & honest with your kids and reassure them that they are safe & you'll protect them. I heard the First Lady say something quite similar this AM on Good Morning America.

Okay, i'm ending now (honest!). I hoped I helped a little. :)

[Margie]

I feel awful because my almost 3 year old (birthday tomorrow) sees the footage of the plane crashing into the WTC and says "Wow, Mommy, a plane...BOOM...ooh look, Mommy" she seemed sort of facinated with it. I told her, "That's not funny, Erica, there were lots of people in that building who got hurt". I don't know what else to say to her to not scare her but to realize that it's not funny. :(

[Lilu]

I think the suggestions so far have been wonderful. I have some links too which I'll put below. One thought I like is taking your children to Walmart or some place where there is a large selection of candles, and letting them choose a candle for peace and healing, and then sitting with them each night and praying/sending energy to whoever needs it.

Dealing With Children's Fears
http://www.smarterkids.com/rescenter/library/news/sk_top3/2001/09/13/SFC/0000-6978-KEYWORD.Missing.asp

Helping children cope with tragedy
http://www.smarterkids.com/rescenter/library/news/sk_top3/2001/09/12/eng-heraldnet/eng-heraldnet_114932_32_8765818430111.asp

Children Need Reassurance
http://fyi.cnn.com/2001/fyi/teachers.ednews/09/12/children.tragedy/index.html

BB
Lilu

[Myst]

Starlite : I think you did absolutely the best job of dealing with this.

Margie : I would wager that your baby isn't old enough to understand what she saw was real, not just a show.. I think you've already handled that quite well.

[Faery-Wings]

I think that everyone has been doing a great job talking to their kids. It seems to be getting harder and harder to deal with each day. Just now at lunch, my son (5) said that they sang a song about the buildings and the people in Heaven at school. He started to cry and cry. He is so devastated by this. He is terrified that this could happen again (and we have a trip planned to Disney in Dec, flying out of Newark, yikes). He has been talking about the bad guys and the good guys. He said he hoped that the good guys had weapons to get the bad guys so they could never hurt any one else again. Then he said he wished he had weapons so he could help the good guys. And I know he would, even though he is growing up in a non-violent home. That is when I left the table and cried. Broke my heart. I don't know how to explain this to him. Or how to make him feel safe.

We have continued to light a candle at dinner each night and we have been sending "happy thoughts" to those who are hurt or helping them. And we are also trying to visualize the Earth as being surrounded by white healing light. My son can do this, my DD yells that she can't "see" anything with her eyes closed. Oh well.

Tonight I am going to give them flashlights to hold while we go out with our candles.

I am at a loss on how to help them feel safe. Lilu, I am going to check out your links too- thanks!


And Margie, I think Willow is right. My kids have woken up each morning and see the TV. They ask me, why is this show still on? :( *sigh* They understand the reality at times and then other times it is like their bvrains have shut down to the reality of it. I guess that is quite normal for their mantal processing.

Blessings to all of you and your babies (no matter their age- they will always be our babies). I feel like I cannot hug them enough.

Chris

[Mariposa De La Luna]

I am very lucky. My DD teacher has even phoned me to reassure me they will not be discussing this in class and if a child brings this up she asks them to talk with thier parents. The class is 1-3 grade. I'm sorry but we both agreed that to let children see what has happened is not a good thing. She was outraged that her nieghbor, who is a middle school teacher, told her the classroom tvs were on CNN all day. I've been watching the child specialists on tv often and they agree too. Of course that decision is up to you.

The other point that they bring up is that children will keep having questions and episodes related to this in the coming weeks and months. So just because you've talked about it now to your kids doesn't mean thier fears are settled or they won't come up with new ones in 2 days or 2 months.

Some of you may have seen my post that my daughter said before going to sleep the night before that she had a feeling something bad was going to happen and we brushed it off. I can't imagine what would have happened to her if she was told at school and seen pictures without us there to support her. I told her when she came home in rather general terms. I also asked her if she wanted to see pictures and she told me no. I respect her decision and expect her to ask more questions about it when she feels ready.

We have not been talking of the tragety in front of her but rather the efforts our government is making to protect us and how citizens are helping and doing thier part. We save the other talk for after they are in bed and we keep the tv turned off until then. Its good for me to have a break from it also.

On Tues night we went to a healing circle at our Pagan community center. I think that was one of the best things we had done. My daughter told me the next day that she was feeling very sad and was approaching the point of tears during circle and then all of a sudden she felt fine. I know if I hadn't of gone I wouldn't have been able to sleep that night. Its given us the ability to go on with our lives with some normallacy and i think that has been of great help to our kids.

Cuddle with your kids more and do that project with them, that you may not have had time for, this weekend. Read them a nice story before bed to help them have peaceful dreams, even if they are older it may help them to read.

[Dria El]

Originally posted by Lilu
I think the suggestions so far have been wonderful. I have some links too which I'll put below. One thought I like is taking your children to Walmart or some place where there is a large selection of candles, and letting them choose a candle for peace and healing, and then sitting with them each night and praying/sending energy to whoever needs it.

Dealing With Children's Fears
http://www.smarterkids.com/rescenter/library/news/sk_top3/2001/09/13/SFC/0000-6978-KEYWORD.Missing.asp

Helping children cope with tragedy
http://www.smarterkids.com/rescenter/library/news/sk_top3/2001/09/12/eng-heraldnet/eng-heraldnet_114932_32_8765818430111.asp

Children Need Reassurance
http://fyi.cnn.com/2001/fyi/teachers.ednews/09/12/children.tragedy/index.html

BB
Lilu

I've got some to add to this list. I think I edited out the ones that have already been posted. I apologize if I missed one. I hope these help.

Blessings...

Coping with Tragedy.
http://www.smarterkids.com/outside_redirect.asp?z=NXRURK5R131230&linkpage=1539

What Do We Tell Our Children?
http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/255/living/What_do_we_tell_out_children_+.shtml

Emphasize Safety in Talks with Children.
http://www.smarterkids.com/rescenter/library/news/sk_top3/2001/09/13/medic/7130-0148-pat_nytimes.asp

[Lavender]

Thanks for all those links, everyone. I checked them out & found some suggestions that I could use. My son is really sensitive about things like this & having been upset over the whole situation. Doing a family healing circle helped a bit. I think the rest is a matter of time...I hope.

[Twilight Garden]

Do you think it's Ok to take the "don't ask, don't tell" approach?

Little one hasn't really mentioned it, except with annoyance that some of her favorite TV shows weren't on. She doesn't necessarily bring up things that are really bothering her. We usually can tell intuitively when something is bothering her. I feel like we should say something given the circumstances I mentioned in an above post. I'm not really sure, neither is her father. We can't really talk to her Mother about it. (It's a long story.)
I don't think I mentioned above that her step-father joined the army a year and a half ago and MAY be going to war. We believe she may have already heard rumors about war and the army at school. We'll deal with that if it comes.

We realize she,as a child, needs to feel safe in her surroundings. We just don't want to invite fear if it's not already there.

[Lavender]

That's such a tough question, LunarMist. I would say it would depend on the child. At that age, it's so hard. They may hear things from friends at school. My niece is 8 too. Her parents decided not to say anything unless she asks. She is one of those really sensitive souls. She doesn't like to watch the news on a normal day.

[Maggie]

Originally posted by chryssi1
I thought that this might be a good place for us to talk about the things we can do to help our children understand this horrible tragedy.

My DD will be three on the 21st and she doesn't understand much of what is happening. My DS is five and has watched a little of the news with us. He is full of questions and we have told him, simply, that some bad people attacked some big buildings in America. As we live so close to NYC, he recognizes it on TV and remembers that just last year Dad worked in NYC.

We have been lighting white candles and I have him think of teh World feeling peaceful and happy again. I asked him to pray for those who were hurt but he didn't really understand what I meant by "pray."

Here I some links that I have. I haven't had much time to look through them, so I hope they are helpful.
http://www.talkingwithkids.org/television/twk-news.html
http://www.angelfire.com/biz3/news/v1art1.html
http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/news/news4-21.htm
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/news.html


BB

Chris

This is one time I'm actually glad my children are grown, and yet on the other hand--my son works for a congressman on Capitol Hill--I need reassurance!

The best thing you can do with your children is to be honest--but that honesty should be tempered to your childrens' ages. A preschooler is not really going to comprehend much at all--they are most likely going to be concerned about your own sadness and fears. The older a child gets the more questions they will have, but still be careful not to answer more than they are actually asking. I sometimes ran into to that one when mine were older elementary school, and had a tendency to give them more information then they wanted! Keep the answers short and to the point of the question they are asking. For those of you worried about your children expressing a desire to hit back, or 'help the good guys'......young children often work through their fears that way, by imagining themselves overcoming it. Please don't tell them flatly that they are wrong if these are their beliefs, but tell them you understand that they are angry, and your family deals with anger this way--and then explain what you would like them to learn instead. The older a child gets, the more you need to give them. The older children can start to read histories of that part of the world, and tell them just as we often don't know very much about those countries, they don't really know much about us. Ignorance is all too often the cause of hatred, and perhaps that would be a good point to get across.

Another positive thing is to take action within your own community. I took flowers to a local Islamic market this week near my home, and I intend to visit a nearby mosque this coming week with some also. Their anger and distress can be turned to a positive note without invalidating everyone's grief over what has happened.

Regards,

Maggie

[Faery-Wings]

*bump*