I Dont Know What To Do

[~~Cypher~~]

ok... well I have this problem, see. It's with my girl. I love her to death, I would do anything for her, it hurts when I think about her, because we are to far apart. In everything I do, I see her, I think about her, no matter what, I could be mowing the yard and I will still think about her. I know she loves me, but she is afraid that I will be like the other b/f she has had and leave her, so she does things (I am not sure if she really does them or if she says she does them) to see if I will get mad and leave her, because she doens't want to "put her heart in the fire" and trust me, she has 2 kids, a little boy and a little girl, and she doesn't want them hurt as well... I tell her every night that I love her no matter what, that I will always be there for her. But she doesn't believe me, I know she doesn't. I mean... I dont know what to do to show her that I am not like that. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I love her, and our kids, to death... but how do I make her see that I will always be there, through thick or thin? I dont know how. I do my best, and I know she loves me, its not that, its not that she doesn't think I love her, I know she knows I love her, but its the fact that she thinks that she will wake up one day and I will be gone. I just dont know what to do.

[misschief]

if that's really the case, the only thing you can do is reassure her... but honestly, it sounds like an excuse to me.

[~~Cypher~~]

an excuse to what?

[kissesree]

go with your heart.

[~~Cypher~~]

my heart dont know what to do

[kissesree]

have you done any sort of clarifing rites? they may help you see the situation better.

[misschief]

an excuse to what?i don't know.

[~~Cypher~~]

have you done any sort of clarifing rites? they may help you see the situation better.

Clarifing what... and no... I havent

[kissesree]

something to make things more clear for you, like relaxation and contemplation in the form of a ritual, this may help you to see things more clearly/get an answer for yourself.

[~~Cypher~~]

I meditate... thats about all I do for clearin my mind

[April]

Give her time, she'll come around in her own time, just keep doing what your doing, it'll get better..

[Ceres]

how long have u two been together? from my experience, it takes time to build trust, especially when one has been hurt before in previous relationships.

[~~Cypher~~]

we have been together almost 2 years now... I swear... sometimes... I... I just love her so much.... oh bother... I dont know anymore...

[Tarbh Nathroch]

The only thing that will prove that you’ll stay to someone that untrusting is a great many years down the road one of you will die while you are still together, and you will have made your point.

So just live your life, do what you want, be what you want. If that involves loving and living with this woman, do so. The trust is her problem and she is the only one who can fix it There isn’t a single thing you can do to help it along BUT you can damage that growing trust. To not give her reason to not trust you is all you can do.

[skye*]

I know from my past, its very hard for me to trust anyone. Sounds to me like shes alot like me, she loves you so much this scares her. My hubby treats me better than anyone ive ever been with and at first i did the same thing i pushed him away and didnt beleive him.
It was TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...syndrome. Shes thinking wow can this really be, will he always love me, and not burn me like others have.
Please just give her time to see that its okay, your not going anywhere and dont want anyone else. Just dont give up, especially if you truely love her, its not her fault shes been hurt and even though right now shes hurting you by not trusting you, in the long run it will all work out and youll be happy and secure with your relationship.
I hope anyways...thats what happened for me and ive been with my husband 2 yrs now.
The first 6 months was the hardest for me than i just knew he loved me and that we were made for eachother.

Good Luck

[QUEEN OF THE DAMNED]

if that's really the case, the only thing you can do is reassure her... but honestly, it sounds like an excuse to me.

I agree with Lasy Leo...reassure her and that's all you can do. But I think it is an excuse not to let herself love someone like she has and be hurt again. All you can do is try to convince her that what she fears wont happen, try more with actions than words.

Good luck, but dont let yourself get burned in the meantime if it begins to feel like it isn't worthwhile. It is hard for you to have real clarity living apart from her.

Hope you have a great Yule! :thewave:

[~~Cypher~~]

ya know... its not that she is hurting me, because she's not and the only reason she isn't hurting me is because I understand how she feels. I mean, I know what it is like to be hurt by someone that you loved... ok not a s.o but still I know... so its not hurting me that she is scared to trust me... I am just afraid that she will cut it off completly because she is afraid. I dont want that, gods i dont want that I dont know what I would do without her.

[diamondtiger]

Your gf sounds so much like me, it's scary. Seeing as how that is, Imma tell you how it is with me, my POV.

As badly as I want to hear “I'll never leave you”, it really doesn't help. The best thing my man has done for me is be there. It's really scary for a woman when she's been hurt before, especially when she's got children to protect. I've got a son and a daughter as well, and I worry more about THEM getting attached and “dumped”, than I do myself.

This may sound discouraging, but if you love her please try to understand. All the “promises” in the world, aren't going to amount to anything if she doesn't SEE it. You can tell her how much you love her and that you'll always be there; but if she doesn't see it in your actions, she's gonna keep that wall around her. The best reassurance you can give is to be there. I'm not saying that you have to walk on “egg shells”. Just treat her right. Listen to her, ACTIVELY, so that she KNOWS you really care. Don't force her to talk, but if you notice she's having a “bad” day, ask her about it. Hearing “What's on your mind?” really does wonders for a woman's self esteem. Shows her that you pay attention, and think enough to care. So does a simple hug for “no reason”.

I learned something new this past week, about the differences between men and women.

I'm going through one hell of a rough time (very emotional) right now. I won't go into details. I'll tell you though, that I was starting to wonder if my SO cared at all; because every time I'd try to talk about what's bothering me, I'd hear “Don't know what to tell ya.” That is the MOST frustrating and hurtful response in the world sometimes. Lemme tell you why. 1) It sounds like a “shut up”. 2) Because I'm not really LOOKING for answers, rather an empathetic ear and a hug. Just LISTEN to me, and respond with words and not just “Uh huh.. or I see.” (to me, these are “automated responses”). Let me know that you're hearing what I say, and not just “Wha wha wha wha wha wha..” Show me that I'm worth your time and attention.

Men (this is what I learned) are truly “handy men”, in that when they see or hear of a problem, they automatically seek to “fix” it. My SO and I have shared some pretty deep conversations this past week, that really helped me understand the “whys”. Men are completely different than women, in that they aren't “talkers”, but “fixers”. It's like this: The car breaks down - he fixes it, the garbage disposal stops working - he fixes it, the sink starts leaking - he fixes it... I “break down” - he doesn't know how to fix it. It's not that he doesn't care; he just doesn't have an immediate and piratical fix, so he doesn't do anything at all. It's not his “fault”, this is how men are. Now that he knows how I am, as a woman, (because we've talked about it) he understands and is better able to "fix" it, because he ACTIVELY listens to what I say. On the flip side, I know that he's not just ignoring me and am better able to “cope” with the “Don't know what to tell ya's”.

Does any of this make sense? I could go on and on about what it took for us to get where we're finally at in our relationship. I'll spare you that for now though. I will say that it wasn't all easy, and it didn't happen over night. It's taken us three years to get to this point, but I wouldn't trade all the bumps for anything in the world. We've been through a lot together, but it's totally worth it, because we now have a pretty strong relationship and it gets stronger by the day.

[diamondtiger]

As for long distance relationships, is that what this is? We were there for the first 6 months of our relationship. He was in L.A., while I was in Oklahoma. It's hella scary being that far apart. All I can tell you is be with her as often as you can. Call her as much as you can, and just let her know you're thinking about her and the kids.

[Lunamoth]

ya know... its not that she is hurting me, because she's not and the only reason she isn't hurting me is because I understand how she feels. I mean, I know what it is like to be hurt by someone that you loved... ok not a s.o but still I know... so its not hurting me that she is scared to trust me... I am just afraid that she will cut it off completly because she is afraid. I dont want that, gods i dont want that I dont know what I would do without her.

So I'm not sure I understand whether she's outwardly saying she doesn't trust yet, or if you just *think* she doesn't. You've been together for 2 years. I was with my now-husband for 5 years before we were ready to say "yes, we're in it for the long haul" and get married. Some people need that much time to truly be certain in *themselves* that the relationship is providing what *they* desire and cherish. My husband still expresses fears to this day (7 years after the wedding) that I might leave him for someone "better", but it doesn't mean he's going to bolt. It's just his way of showing how much he values our relationship and doesn't ever want to lose me.

As others have said, the only thing you can actually DO is be yourself and continue being loving and giving. If she's giving the relationship the kind of attention it needs in return, then the rest is just wait and see. She shouldn't feel pressure, however, to be someone she's not. If she's reserved, then she just is and *you* will have to put faith in *her* that she's not going to bail.

[LadyTrinity]

It's could be an excuse, but she sounds like me. Im terrified that my new bf will leave because I do have a child and I put him in a situation where he has grown attatched and for him to leave would probably devistate my son more than it would me. I have been so hurt in the past, even though my new bf tells me he thinks about me all the time and loves me to death, that worry of betrayal is always in the back of my mind. It will go away for me as the relationship gets more serious but sounds like ur girl really needs some time. Maybe her fears will never go away. I hope they do for you because you sound like a good person. In any case, good luck to you :hugz:

[soilsigh aingeal]

She sounds scared. I'm not really sure what to tell you to do other than maybe she's still got some healing to do and just be there for her and wait as long as it takes. If you really love her and if the two of you are meant to be, than you will be. :hugz:

[Karma Chameleon]

I say hang in there. If you know with all your heart that you love her, then just stick by her and show her that you'll be there for her.

[~~Cypher~~]

As for long distance relationships, is that what this is?

She is in Wisconsin and I am in Texas I am hoping to be with her before the middle of next year.

[~~Cypher~~]

So I'm not sure I understand whether she's outwardly saying she doesn't trust yet, or if you just *think* she doesn't. You've been together for 2 years. I was with my now-husband for 5 years before we were ready to say "yes, we're in it for the long haul" and get married. Some people need that much time to truly be certain in *themselves* that the relationship is providing what *they* desire and cherish. My husband still expresses fears to this day (7 years after the wedding) that I might leave him for someone "better", but it doesn't mean he's going to bolt. It's just his way of showing how much he values our relationship and doesn't ever want to lose me.

As others have said, the only thing you can actually DO is be yourself and continue being loving and giving. If she's giving the relationship the kind of attention it needs in return, then the rest is just wait and see. She shouldn't feel pressure, however, to be someone she's not. If she's reserved, then she just is and *you* will have to put faith in *her* that she's not going to bail.


No she doesn't Say outloud, "I Dont Trust You." Its in her actions, ya know they say actions speak louder than words, what she says is.. I love you, but she acts like wants to see how far she can go before I leave her. She could go to the end of the world and back doing everything wrong and I wouldn't leave her... I know I wouldn't. Well ok, that is an exageration, there is only ONE thing she can do that would make me leave her, but I know she wouldn't do that if you offered her 1 Billion dollars a month.

[~~Cypher~~]

It's could be an excuse, but she sounds like me. Im terrified that my new bf will leave because I do have a child and I put him in a situation where he has grown attatched and for him to leave would probably devistate my son more than it would me. I have been so hurt in the past, even though my new bf tells me he thinks about me all the time and loves me to death, that worry of betrayal is always in the back of my mind. It will go away for me as the relationship gets more serious but sounds like ur girl really needs some time. Maybe her fears will never go away. I hope they do for you because you sound like a good person. In any case, good luck to you :hugz:

I have Twins myself... so I know what that feeling is like. Trust me, I do.

[diamondtiger]

She is in Wisconsin and I am in Texas I am hoping to be with her before the middle of next year.I feel for both of you. I know it was hard for me, can't say how it was for him. 1500 miles can really bum a person out. Hang in there, and just keep the lines of communication open the best you can.No she doesn't Say outloud, "I Dont Trust You." Its in her actions, ya know they say actions speak louder than words, what she says is.. I love you, but she acts like wants to see how far she can go before I leave her. This is something my SO and I talked about recently. We agreed that it's natural for a person to “test the limits” of any relationship. It's how we learn about people, who they really are and in a romantic sense; if they're the one. It doesn't necessarily mean though, that we don't trust one another.

I give you this example: My ex was very abusive to me and our kids. If I thought for a half a second that my SO would hurt them, we'd be out the door. In regards to myself on the other hand, I have to find out what it would take for him to “be that way”. So I, without even realizing it, create situations that would have before (with my ex) gotten me a serious slap upside the head. Nothing extreme, because it didn't take much to set my ex off. Just something as simple as glancing at another man in a store, or wearing the “wrong” shirt in public, would have done it. Going to the store and being gone “too long” was a MAJOR no - no.

One day, after we first moved in together, I went shopping by myself (which is no big deal to my SO). He wasn't home when I left and I was out for a good while. When I got home, he said “Where'd you go?” For an instant I felt worried, but I calmly said that I was shopping. Mind you I hadn't bought anything, thus came home empty handed. I half way expected him to become furious at this and not believe me, start throwing around accusations and punching anything near him, as that's what my ex would have done. He surprised me though. He just looked at me and said, “”Oh. Didn't find anything you liked huh.”, and left it at that.

I didn't/don't do things to intentionally upset my SO. But sometimes, when I really think about my moods/attitudes, and take a good hard look at some of my actions; I see that this is really what I'm doing. I'm sure he does it to, truth be told; and he too is not even aware that he's doing it. Why? Because it's natural. :) I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just take things one day at a time, and enjoy the ride. Ya know what I mean?

[Ravyn Sylverwyng]

It will take time to work things out, but hang in there, it can be done. My SO and I had a very rough patch, and I bolted for a while. Then after we worked things out, he did everything that he could for years to make me bolt again. After five years of him doing that, he finally figured it out that I was in it for the long haul and that there wasn't anything that he could do to make me do it again. It will take time for her to see that you aren't the same person as the other guy and then she will come to understand that she can trust you. Trust takes time and once you are hurt once, it takes even longer for it to come. Things will work out for you, just have some patience.

[~~Cypher~~]

Yea, I hope so... I wish I could be with her this christmas... :(