Calgon take me away?!? *sigh* =(

[Marishae]

*big huge sigh* Ok... Here we go... I don't know what I need... to talk... a hug... something... I don't know... =(

My husband and I had been having several problems in our marriage... I always had a hard time talking... I don't know... maybe having my opinions squashed too many times in my lifetime has made me shut down and I just don't bother anymore because someone is always going to tell me I'm wrong anyways... but... by mid October things had gotten so bad, and I was so miserable... he was trying, he really was... but... I was just in such a funk... that... well... I basically sat down and told him it wasn't working and that I thought we should ... well... and he basically filled it in, divorce... and said he'd been thinking the same for the past couple of weeks... well... I figured I'd move out around now because of the time off... well... things got so difficult, because as time passed, I started to rethink things and I'm still very much in love with him... despite all our problems... and I was still very affectionate towards him, and he wanted to stop being affectionate because it confused him... and I can understand that... but... the more he pushed me away, the deeper I would sink into a depression... a very nasty depression... I'm too chicken to actually do anything... but I'm sure you get the drift of where my thoughts headed... Well, we decided it would be best for me to move out as soon as possible... so I moved the day after Thanksgiving... it was horrible... we both cried... And the first weekend here alone was the pits... I had not much to do... was kinda too depressed to do much... and I had no tv... no internet... I started at the walls and wondered what do I do now?... Since then... I've just kinda drug along... finally got my internet back... looked for anything to take my mind off things... this community has helped lots as I spend most of my time reading and writing and it helps keep me focused on other things... but... anyhoo... I tried to talk to him last week and see if we could try using the space and start talking and try to work things out... and he shot me down and said no... I still find myself wanting him... and the bad thing is... since we seperated... he's done things that I wish he would have done when we were together and it's making me feel awful... like why couldn't he do that when we were together? What was wrong with me that he couldn't do that with me? Was I not worthy enough??? *sigh* But... there's no going back... I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I may have screwed up... because I couldn't talk... because I chose to run away instead... But, then another part of me says that I need to just move on... that I asked for a change, and Goddess has presented me with the change... and I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone to be able to learn and grow as a person... it's just hard... I go in and out of depression... I absolutely refuse to take drugs by the way... I won't take prescription medicines... I tried taking St. John's Wort a long time ago and it didn't do anything for me, so I'm not sure if it would do anything now...

*sigh* I was actually in a really good mood today... it was Yule... I was happy... and then I sent him a message just saying "Happy Yule" and I got the read receipt back as "Not Read"... and that spiraled my mood right into the dumpster... well, he did end up writing back a bit later... and that cheered me up a bit... but then I kinda got chewed out at work when I was just trying to help... it's just in my nature to be helpful, I can't help it... and was basically told not to, it's not my problem... so that made me feel kind of dumpy the rest of the afternoon... but... I was still trying to be optimistic... I said to myself... darnit... it's Yule... and I'm going shopping... I'm going to take myself shopping and that will cheer me up... Oh, btw, "Hi, my name is Marishae... and I have a serious shopping problem!" lol So... I went to the store... got a new comforter, sheets, pillow, the whole 9 yards... spent way more than I wanted to... but... I felt this was needed as I have had bad insomnia and haven't been sleeping... and figured maybe part of it was a connection to the sheets... which... I didn't even wash after I moved so that I could still smell his scent... I have since washed them, however... but, I have no way to wash the comforter... so I figured I would just get brand new everything and chuck the old stuff... well... I got home... took the comforter out of the bag to let it air out while I washed the sheets... well, I draped it over the couch and I came in here to the computer room... well, a bit later I went back out... and the pillow had fallen off the back of the couch and the comforter was peeled half down... so I pick up the pillow... and there is this huge wet spot on the comforter... My cat had peed all over it! Oh my God! Why?!?! Why me?!?! Why can't I just have one good night???!?!?! My brand new comforter... I've been sleeping without a blanket and I finally get one and I can't even use it tonight because that stupid creature peed all over it... Now... there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the cat, the pee you can hardly smell unless you put your nose right in it... but sheesh... My washer and dryer is a small capacity... so, I ended up washing it in the tub and hanging it over the balcony to dry...

But... golly gee whiz... I can't seem to win for loosing here... I don't know what to do... laugh... cry... sob... scream... give up... Oh... and on top of everything... a few days after I moved in... the ants just came out of the woodwork and I haven't been able to get rid of them... they're in the kitchen, the bathroom, the computer room... I've had the place pest sprayed once... in which I had to board my cat for the day... which that was a fiasco in itself (half hour late for work due to the idiot not telling me I needed my vaccination records with me and I couldn't remember the name of the vet I had taken her to and he couldn't find it)... I've also put the baits out... and nothing... nothing deters the lil buggers! I hate bugs! I hate ants... I just want them to go away!

Arghhhh!!! I think I'm at my wits end... I'm supposed to pick up my new cat tomorrow night... I was getting a new cat for my current cat because of the lonely looks I get when I get home... she's used to another cat being there (my husband's)... so, I thought it might help her... And then... I have off until next year... I know I deserve the time off, and I suppose I need the time off... but... I almost think I'd be better off at work because then things won't get so backed up and I'd have something to do to keep me occupied and focused on something other than my problems... as it is... I'm going to be sitting here wondering what the heck to do with myself... I suppose I can finish unpacking... but... I'm so unmotivated right now...

Gah... boy, haven't I spewed on... And there's plenty of details that I've left out for brevity... You guys prolly think I'm a nutcase... lol I'm just having a hard time dealing with things I guess... If anyone has any words of wisdom... or just a comforting hug... I'd really appreciate it...

Well... going to go check on my comforter and get the place straightened around before I go to bed... If you've read this far... thanks... =)

~Marishae~

[DivineAthena]

I think time of will be good for you. Keep yourself occupied making your new place feel like home and get to know the new cat (and wack the ants with a fly-wacking-thing).
I also want to say that I think it's a little rude of your ex not to give you a chanse to talk to him but if that's the way he feels than you're both better of. You'll get over it eventually and maybe it was better than it happened now than later.
I have alot more to say but as it's 07:30 AM here I'm having trouble expressing myself.
Happy Yule, and PM me if you want to talk.
Lots of hugs,
DivineAthena

[trippingdaisy]

Oh sweetie, this must be so hard for you, and at this time of year.
You need some support right now, whether it be from friends, family, or this community. surround yourself with things that remind you of happy times, and good memories (although maybe try and avoid husband related things). sending lots of loving energy and hugs to you- I know what depression does to your soul, I really do- and you can pm me anytime.
even if you cant reach anyone face to face, there is always the people here at mw. its a very real and loving community, as you know.

you will get through this, hon.

lots of love,

Trip xxx

[Marishae]

Thank you, guys! I appreciate it! Unfortunately... I have no family here... I moved here approx. 6 years ago with my ex-husband and about the only friends I have are him, which is still kinda weird, we just started talking again on a regular basis after a friend of ours (that we moved down here to be with and he was still living with at the time), suddenly passed away, my current husband, my doc (she's the best), and people at work... I'm not the best at making friends due to being burned too many times when I was younger... I kinda don't like to be stabbed in the back or used... lol But... all my family is up in Ohio... so... it's pretty desolate here... support wise... I guess I need to just start getting out and socializing... but anyhoo... And yes, DivineAthena, that is one of the reasons we split now... we'd rather split still loving each other and still being friends, then letting things go and ending up hating each other... And yes, there are a lot of things that bug me about him... and I suppose I will be better off finding someone who can give me what I want and need... but... then I start wondering if I'll ever find anyone else that would even want me... much less be what I want/need...

Well... it's almost time to get ready for work... =) I'm going to borrow a step ladder today so that I can hang my pictures up. Maybe that will help the place feel a bit more homey... and I need to get to my figurine box and put my Goddess statue back up... golly, this has been the longest I have ever gone without it... it's usually the first thing I unpack! That's how bad it's been... lol But I will try... I will try and get some things unpacked while I'm off and get this place feeling more homey... maybe once I do that, and if I can pretty much fully unpack... it will finally feel like "home" and I can rest easier... =)

Anyways, thank you both, again, for your responses. :hugz: I hope you all have a great day! =)

~Marishae~

[KEishin]

I'm so sorry to hear how unhappy you've been. Deperession is a nasty thing to be mired in. I've been there, and only managed to get out through becuase of a swift *kick* from the Gods, so feel free to PM me if it gets too bad.

Keep trying to do your best, that's the only thing that you can do at times. Sometimes the bad stuff happens so we can see how good things really are when its over.

Chin up sweetie.
Blessings,
Keishin

[Lunacie]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I can sure give you a hug. :hugz:

[Shatril]

Oh gosh this is gonna be a hard lesson for you. Building a shield not only keeps that nasty out, but also keeps lots of good stuff out also.

:hugz: and love, Stay strong, the lessons from our deity tend to be painful, but in the long run the best for us in the long run.

Blessed Yule
Shatril

[11thBliss]

It's a small thing, but I may be able to help a bit with the ants. . .

Use a spray bottle of soapy water to kill the ants and clean any place they may be attracted to. Then put peppermint oil - essential oil - on a cotton ball and wipe along the trail. Use gloves, if you are sensitive, but you only need a dab or two to do the trick. The essential oil will disrupt the ant's chemical trail. If they are entering at a doorway, for instance, I would run the cotton ball all around the cracks of the door. The ants hate the scent, and will turn to march the other way.

[Marishae]

It's a small thing, but I may be able to help a bit with the ants. . .

Use a spray bottle of soapy water to kill the ants and clean any place they may be attracted to. Then put peppermint oil - essential oil - on a cotton ball and wipe along the trail. Use gloves, if you are sensitive, but you only need a dab or two to do the trick. The essential oil will disrupt the ant's chemical trail. If they are entering at a doorway, for instance, I would run the cotton ball all around the cracks of the door. The ants hate the scent, and will turn to march the other way.
Yeah, I had heard peppermint does good. And no, I'm not sensitive... I can even use straight clove oil on my skin... sometimes... lol I'm out of all my oils though... I might have to go and grab some peppermint oil tomorrow and give it a shot... Only problem is, I don't know where they are coming in at... they are internal... I haven't been able to find a trail that leads to where they are coming from... but I'll keep at em until they go away... hehe

Well... update... I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm just going to have to get through things and that's that. I can choose to be miserable... or I can choose to pick up my draggin' arse and move on and regain my happiness... I choose the 2nd option... =) I picked up my new cat tonight... She's adorable... she was sleeping on my shoulder as I sat here earlier... it was totally sweet! =) I'll have to post a picture in my album or something... =)

Anyways, thank you everyone! I really appreciate the replies! =) It's good to have some caring support! =) :hugz: to everyone! =)

~Marishae~

[Marishae]

Well... Update on things... First, I want to thank all of you for your energy and hugs! =) Good things come to those that wait... The time apart has been good for my husband and I. It's given us both the chance to see things from a different perspective... and... He has agreed that we won't be filing for divorce... at least not yet... We are going to use the time apart (I locked myself into a year lease and for financial reasons he and our roomate are going to be going for another year lease in February where they are at) to re-build the lines of communication and start actually talking to one another and try to work through our problems. So all hope is not lost! =) Hopefully we can work through everything and come out even stronger in the end. So, thank you to everyone who sent energy and hugs, I greatly appreciate it. And now, I ask for congratulatory hugs and energy to help us through! Thank you so much! =)

:hugz: Big hugs to everyone! :hugz:

~Marishae~

[WingedTigerChild]

But... golly gee whiz... I can't seem to win for loosing here... I don't know what to do... laugh... cry... sob... scream... give up...
Well...why not do it all? Seriously, sometimes it's just better to let your emotions have it out. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that things are going a bit better. :hugz:

[Shatril]

I hope everything works out for the best for everyone. ((((Energy)))) :hugz:


Well... Update on things... First, I want to thank all of you for your energy and hugs! =) Good things come to those that wait... The time apart has been good for my husband and I. It's given us both the chance to see things from a different perspective... and... He has agreed that we won't be filing for divorce... at least not yet... We are going to use the time apart (I locked myself into a year lease and for financial reasons he and our roomate are going to be going for another year lease in February where they are at) to re-build the lines of communication and start actually talking to one another and try to work through our problems. So all hope is not lost! =) Hopefully we can work through everything and come out even stronger in the end. So, thank you to everyone who sent energy and hugs, I greatly appreciate it. And now, I ask for congratulatory hugs and energy to help us through! Thank you so much! =)

:hugz: Big hugs to everyone! :hugz:

~Marishae~