Polyamorus Relationships

[Traz Heart]

Hello

Many may know Me and Kaylara have a Polemerace relationship and I wanted to know who else has this kind of relationship and peoples thaughts and experiances.

-Traz-

[Mairwen]

*waves!*

[Margie]

I'm sure if I was in this type of relationship, I'd know. But I'd just like to know what it is exactly.

[Traz Heart]

In a Poly Relationship you and your partners may have Many loves or lovers.

In me and Kaylaras we tell each other when we are interested in another person and either it is ok or the other may say no.

We both respect the others decision and that is why we are truely in love.

-Traz-

[Mairwen]

I was going tro say somethign ehre.

[Kaylara]

Might I add that this is also because our relationship, no matter what is the most important to each other. The other relationships are important, but the monment that they start to get in the way of the primary relationship, there is a problem. If Traz were to start neglecting me for one of his other relationships, then by our agreement with each other, either that relationship would have to be toned down, or end.

Kaylara

[Mairwen]

Yeah, been there, done that. *sigh*

[NightFire]

My understanding of a poly relationship is that one partner is just as important as the other(s). If you don't treat everyone with the same degree of importance than one will leave. I have been involved in the poly lifestyle for a while, and I provide both partners similar attention. The following is a quote from http://www.polyamorysociety.org which explains polyamory:

"Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultanously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term which integrates traditional mutipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory. Of course, love itself is a rather ambiguous term, but most polys seem to define it as a serious, intimate, romantic, or less stable, affectionate bond which a person has with another person or group of persons. This bond usually, though not necessarily always, involves sex. Sexualove or eromance are other words which have been coined to describe this kind of love. Other terms often used as synonyms for polyamory are responsible, ethical or intentional non-monogamy. Polyamorists vary a great deal in their attitudes toward casual or recreational sex. Some approve; some (particularly Polyfidelitous relationships) do not. In any case, polyamory is about stable intimate, emotionally committed relationships rather than casual sex. Swinging is defined as recreational sexual activity, also called "sport sex" where partner(s) or participant(s) agree to have casual sex with each other(s). There is usually no emotional involvement. Swinging is a form of monogamy in which usually two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles. Swingers have their own organizations, newsletters, and contact networks. They are not likely to find much of an interest in Polyamory except by coincidence. The Polyamory and Swing communities are allies under the alternative lifestyles banner. Many swingers have transitioned to Polyamory through their desire to be emotionally committed in a multipartnered relationship."

Personally I feel that a poly relationship should be all partners part of the primary relationship, and any problems that come up (i.e. neglectiong one partner) should be confronted, and fixed in a mutually benificial way. I have been involved in poly relationships before, but it is difficult to find the right person (as I'm sure you know) so we continue looking. (for those of you that have known me for the past several years...I apoligize for giving any heartattacks, and please start breathing again :) Things like this just never came up in any of the chats we had)

Let me know what you do or don't agree with.

PHOENIX KISSES!!!
COYOTE SLOBBERS!!!
MOON HUGS!!!
NIGHT SNUGGLES!!!
FIRE LICKS!!!!

hehe

[talamh]

Yes. it is difficult... and i have found that to make it work there has to be total openess, honesty and communication.... but maybe because it is not the norm, those involved seem to be more aware of the constant maintenance needed and maybe consciously work at it harder.

It is also interesting seeing the response (and sometimes reaction) of other people to a poly relationship that works over the long term... some people just don't know how to handle it.... don't know how to treat poly people "normally"... Some people assume it means a person is sexually available to everyone. Some assume, especially if the relationship is two women and one man, that it is not a relationship of equality and respect.

It is not until one moves outside the sexual norms of society that one understands the depth of control society has over our minds and hearts when it comes to sexuality.... (and the sanctions imposed when one choses something different)... how sex is used to program us to be good little obedient members of the political/consumer society in which we are expected to march lock-step through heterosexual courtship, a $50,000 wedding and then a life in the burbs with 2.4 kids and a dog. (Not that that isn't a valid lifestyle.. it's just good to know it doesn't have to be the only choice.)

Polyamoury is definately an adventure... and a revolution between the ears... but it is not for the faint of heart or the timid. bb talamh

ps It happens much more often then society acknowledges.... keep your eyes open and you will see it... hear it discussed in song lyrics, etc. It's bordering on mainstream in a lot of ways. m

[Danustouch]

I have been intriqued by Poly amoury...I know a few poly-amourous people. My question is this. Do any of you who are in such a relationship have children? Do you plan to ever have children? Would the event of having a child enter into the equation change it at all??? I'm not saying it should..I'm asking if it becomes an issue in polyamourous relationships at any point? If so..how could it effect the situation. What do you see the effects being on the child? Would the child even have to know? I'm just curious as to how polyamorous couples handle these issues.

[Swanspirit]

would be a priority in any relationship........
but people being who and what they are........I am sure that parenting will vary according to the person...... not the type of relationship they choose to live in........
~~~~(NightFire)~~~~ no surprises here .....
I know some polyamourous people ...... you cannot hardly be pagan for any length of time and not know anyone who is.....one of which is a dear friend but we just get to see each other but at some large festivals.....
I think the polyamourous movement is an offshoot of the unisex stuff from the sixties when stereotypes and social and cultural roles were being questioned in THIS culture ......
I have to say I totally respect the poly people ..... much more so than the "married people" who have consecutive adventures and wifey or hubby never knows.... and deceit and lying is involved even on the emotional level ......that is hypocrisy at its worst or best whichever..and with a CAPITOL H ......at least the people who are pursuing the poly life style have integrity and honesty to their credit.. the ones I know despise the sneaking and lying and harm done to people......by the married people who play around and hurt people .....
I am monogamous ..... just the way I am built on the inside, but I know from long experience that expecting people to be a certain way BECAUSE I am that way is ignorance.....
Love and light
Swannie

[Astraea]

I do enjoy dating around, playing the field, etc. But when I'm in love, I'm in love with one person only and I don't agree with seeking relationships of similar magnitude with others at that time. That's just me, the way I feel and that's what's comfortable for me. I'm completely comfortable with dating more than one person at a time. But when a relationship progresses and my partner and I share the same feelings, I like a one-on-one relationship.
Polyamory is cool for others, not for me. At least not at this time.

[NightFire]

For the matter of children that are raised with poly parents, I feel they have the right to know about the situation. It is unfair to the children, and to the other partner(s) involved. Children in a poly relationship have the same impact as children in a monogamos relationship. It should be disscused well ahead of time.
Personally, I have no children of my own, but my wife does, and so did one partner we were involved with. I love children, and enjoy being around them, so, it's no problem for me. Others are much different though, and children would cause thier relationship to fall apart, no matter if it was poly, or monogamos.

[Danustouch]

The only reason I asked, is that I have some friends who are in a polyamorous relationship. I'm friends with the couple who are actually legally wed to eachother, but also have lovers. Anyway, the Wife in the relationship just had a baby. I didn't really want to ask them, what their plans were as far as whether or not they were going to explain all of this to their child...because...well..i don't know..just...CUZ. LOL. But I thought I'd ask here, your opinions. I'm curious to see how they bring it up to their child when she's older..or even..if they do. I have no problem with poly amorous couples (couldn't do it myself though) and I think they, like anyone else, can be good parents, or bad parents, just like anyone else. I just wondered how MOST people in polyamorous relationships deal with it. Oh..here's another question. In a polyamorous relationship..if you LIVE with one person, but Date others ....what do you think would happen if one of the "Others" got pregnant???? Do you know what I mean???Would the biological parents of the child, move in together then, or would they all live together? I'm aware that it is a personal decision....and differen't for each relationship..i'm just wondering if any of you have known couples in these situations..how they handled it?

[NightFire]

Let me give an example of how Lira and I feel a poly relationship should go:
1. one or both partners in the initial partnership should be bi-sexual.
2. both partners should be comfortqble with bringing another adult into their family.
3. the third partner that enters the relationship should accept both initial partners.
4. for a long term relationship (which is our goal) all partners involved should be willing to commit to each other.

I know that there are many people that consider themselves to be in a poly relationship, but they do not all enjoy each others company. I don't think that should be considered a poly relationship.

Polyamory is more than just going out and having a relationship with someone else, it is having a relationship with all of your partners at the same time, an emotioanl bond. For example, I have a girlfriend, Lira (my wife) knows about it. If she does not consider my girlfriend to be her girlfreind also, that is not a polyamoros relationship. It's the same if my girlfreind does not love Lira. Everyone should be commited to everyone else.

Personaly, I will not even consider seeing someone else unless they are aware of Lira, and are willing to accept her as much as they accept me. Lira feels the same way (so she says :) ).

PHOENIX KISSES!!!
COYOTE SLOBBERS!!!
MOON HUGS!!!
NIGHT SNUGGLES!!!
FIRE LICKS!!!!

hehe

[Semele]

Originally posted by Mairwen
I was going tro say somethign ehre.

Uh.....Mari, have you been drinking???:D

[Semele]

Ok...enough ribbing mari...now for a serious reply!!;)

I really don't understand poly relationships from my own point of view. Well, I guess I should say that I haven't up until this thread. I always thought it was more of an open marriage or relationship where both partners were free to see other people, not necessarily that they shared the experience together. The idea of the couple sharing the same lover...not just sexually, is a nicer thought to me. The definition that someone posted from the link was very interesting. It speaks of love relationships between more than two partners....not necessarily even sexual.

Well, if that is the case then I guess I could describe our household as polyamourous. My bro, Dravin, who is not actually and blood relation to either myself or Mol, lives with us and has for a long while. He is not just a room mate, but a very key member of our family. He is an equal partner in the raising of our son and the general running of our household. If there is an important decision to be made it is not two people but three involved. I can't even imagine life without him here. I love him as much as I love Mol and our son and I know the feeling is the same between he and Mol...all love each other and consider each other as partners. Now, Dravin is gay and single, (most of the time) but he is not now nor will he ever be a sexual partner for myself or Mol. Does that still make us Polyamourous? I'd say other than the sex, we fit the discription.

As far as other folks coming into our lives and sharing in the love...I just don't think I could do that, especially if sex were involved. Somethings I just simply cannot share.

Great thread...I am learning a lot!

[Mariposa De La Luna]

Being Poly is like being Pagan, everyone has their own way of doint it, no pun intended. Semele I think your relationship can be considered Poly, it doesn't have to do with just sex, even though that is a fun aspect of it.

Me and my hubby are not exactly poly. He's free while I'm not. It may seem unfair but it isn't and he has chosen not to get invovled with anyone now because there are things we need to work out. Poly relationships need to be very strong in communication and honest and trust. And while we have all that we've hit a little wrinkle in the road that needs smoothed out. Its all for a better relationship with each other and I don't know if we will be poly after it all works out but it is a lifestyle we are open to.

My husband has run into many people who are poly lately but he feels they are just doing it to have lots of sex and not to love more. That turns him off to it but if we found someone that we could both love truly, kinda like what you have Semele, we would be happy to share our lives with them, with or without sex.

Heres some more sites:
www.polyamoury.org
http://www.lovemore.com/
http://www.geocities.com/polyfamilies/

[Myst]

My fiance and I have discussed polyamoury but for us it is not an option. We are both jealous people and we've seen some couples who try to get into it and they give it a bad name.

For instance we have friends who, when we go over to have a party, will get drunk as fast as possible just so they can start using it as an excuse to start making out with other people. It's like a race for them now. But they haven't even defined their relationship or gone through the process of saying "ok, we want to be polyamourous, let's talk about the rules or guidelines we should go by here". Instead, someone thinks its funny to kiss the wife, then she thinks its funny to take her shirt off to bug her husband. It escalates from there. One night he finally said he wouldn't mind switching partners sometime and his wife lost it! They just haven't come to terms with what they want, and it's a REALLY bad scene. Not to mention that this couple asked my fiance to have a threesome with them last year after he and I started dating.

I'm sure there are many people who choose to be polyamourous and do so responsibly and with careful thought. I know it works out well for a lot of people too. I just don't feel it's the road for me and my fiance. :)

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by Danustouch
I have been intriqued by Poly amoury...I know a few poly-amourous people. My question is this. Do any of you who are in such a relationship have children?

Uh, hello? I'm a parent, remember? Any child is going to see a parent's relationships, poly or not, I mean, get a clue. A relationship isn't something you can hide from a child. Besides, why would you want to?? or need to?? I'm confused.

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by Semele
Uh.....Mari, have you been drinking???:D

LMAO! No, I was up tired and it was late.

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by NightFire
Personaly, I will not even consider seeing someone else unless they are aware of Lira, and are willing to accept her as much as they accept me. Lira feels the same way (so she says :) ).

Very well said!! BRAVO!!!!

[Danustouch]

I'm not suggesting they SHOULD hide it from their children. I'm just wondering if some people choose to. The only problem i would see with explaining it to a child, is whether or not the child would be able to cope very well with their peers, in explaining it. If that makes any sense. I think that parents should openly talk about love and such to their children. But...I also wonder how children cope with telling their friends, and the misunderstandings that can occur, the rumors, teasing, etc. I remember when I was growing up, children whose parents got divorced had some difficult issues with their peers, as well. And children whose parents remarried, thus having TWO families, were often made the subject of cruel jokes, and rumors, etc. We've changed alot as a society..and divorce has become a much more understood topic. But I do know that polyamoury is still VERY misunderstood by many people (especially those in traditional mainstream religions, and such). So I wondered if some parents choose to NOT discuss it with their children, based on this fact..out of fear. Again..Mairwen..please understand I did not mean ANY offense. I was CURIOUS as to how parents in polyamorous relationships deal with these issues.

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by Danustouch
But...I also wonder how children cope with telling their friends, and the misunderstandings that can occur, the rumors, teasing, etc.

How would it be any different from a child of a divorced family in new relationships saying that he has two mommy's or two daddy's?


And children whose parents remarried, thus having TWO families, were often made the subject of cruel jokes, and rumors, etc.

You don't have to be from a split family to be the butt of cruel jokes and teasing.


So I wondered if some parents choose to NOT discuss it with their children, based on this fact..out of fear.

I think that would be very cruel and dishonest. I could NEVER be dishonest to my kids. I don't know any parents who could.

[Traz Heart]

Here here Mari

[Wyrdsister]

Very interesting thread, everyone!

Danustouch, I'm glad you brought up the issue of kids. One couple I know who is polyamourous is NOT up front and honest with their younger son. I've never met their son, but I can't imagine what that's doing to him. :( As Mairwen said, kids aren't stupid; you can't hide something like this from them!

I think it's facinating how people can make polyamourous relationships work. Not that I think they're inherently impossible - I'm just pretty sure that I couldn't make one work.


talamh anEiac made the point:
It is not until one moves outside the sexual norms of society that one understands the depth of control society has over our minds and hearts when it comes to sexuality.... (and the sanctions imposed when one choses something different)... how sex is used to program us to be good little obedient members of the political/consumer society in which we are expected to march lock-step through heterosexual courtship, a $50,000 wedding and then a life in the burbs with 2.4 kids and a dog. (Not that that isn't a valid lifestyle.. it's just good to know it doesn't have to be the only choice.) Well said!! I have no illusions about society's role in my "oppressed" view of my own sexuality. I've done a lot of work to get where I am today. I think I was really messed up with respect to sexuality in the past, and I can trace 95% of it back to the messages from society that I so deeply internalized. :sick: And while I'm happy that I'm continuing to learn and develop my own view of sex, love, etc., I don't think I'll venture into the realm of polyamoury. I'm doing enough work in this area for this lifetime!! :LOL: :)

Blessed Be, all, and keep posting!

Wyrdsister

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by Wyrdsister
One couple I know who is polyamourous is NOT up front and honest with their younger son. I've never met their son, but I can't imagine what that's doing to him. :( As Mairwen said, kids aren't stupid; you can't hide something like this from them!

You can't hide most things from them. People think that kids are deaf-mute, blind and dumb or something. Kids are probably smarter than we've forgotten how to be. I can't believe these people aren't talking to their child!

[gunner]

my, my, i think some of you might want to meet my friends at yahoogroups polyfamilies. they might be able to answer some of your questions. as to someones statement about sexual roles in poly relationships, the only rule i've observed so far is that there is no hard and fast rule. i've seen triads, mfm and fmf in which all partners were heterosexual, others where the girls were bi, and others where the guys were bi as well as quads with the same variations, all hetero, one or both guys bi, one or both girls bi and then there is me who is happily hetero monogamous, the one quad i've met in person was, i think, girls bi guys hetero and they seem to get on nicely though there are others wrestling with the problems you might expect in developing new types of relationships "outside the box" of conventional thinking and custom. basically they are people much like any others and contending with all the common problems of life, just sometimes more so.

semele makes another point, not all poly relationships are even sexual.

[Isis]

I am a single bisexual female, and as such, I've come to the conclussion that anything BUT a polyamorous relationship isn't going to work for me!!!!

With that being said, I haven't found the right person/people and I've never been in love, so that may all change. However, I'm very sure that's what I want. I've dated a married couple before, and we had a great time. I never saw one without the other, and if I wanted to do something just one on one, we got the other partners permission. No bullsh*tting, backstabbing, dishonesty. From what I've observed if you don't set perameters in the beginning it will destroy the core relationship. Also if you're the married couple, and there's a single that you're both interested in.....make sure that person is equally interested in both of you. If not it only gives the impression that the single person is going solely after one person, and not the couple.

I've come to the conclussion that I do want to be married, and have more children. I've tried fighting my feelings for women, and I no longer have the patience for it. I pray that one day I'll be in the relationship that works best for me, with the people that I'm meant to be with.

Isis

[Kaylara]

I feel that I should clarify my stance on things. Me and Traz decided on how we were going to have our relationship in the first few weeks we were dating. We decided on rules that we thought were appropriate, and would help to keep us in harmony.

We have been in the situation where we were dating a girl, who then started dating another guy. This guy said that she could still date me but not Traz. I had a real problem with that, so I refused to be her girlfriend anymore. (That and she is a psycho... Right Dellit? :))

So obviously, the person who there is an interest has to be agreed upon. If your initial partner doesn't like the person who you like, or vice versa, then it's probably a pretty good sign that problems are going to happen because of this.

A very good article on this subject was written by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart who actually coined the term polyamory. It's called "A Bouquet of Lovers" And can be found at the CAW website. I have found that a lot of the suggestions that she has for rules are very well explained, thought out, and helpful for me.

Kaylara

[ASR]

I'm another one of those people who say "Cool for other people, not for me." My Philosophy teacher would call that Ethical Reletavism, and have a fit at me, but thats what I believe. For some reason, I've always believed in the one-on-one scenario. I guess because it seems to be more stable. I really don't know where it came from -- my parents aren't polyamorous, but they never told me that marraiage and the burbs was the right way to live.

Also, my boyfriend has a HUGE jealous streak. I was thinking in my Ethics class about why cheating is wrong. What branch of philosophy gives us a "rule" that makes it wrong. (FYI, I think its Kant's philosophy -- to deceive one's husband/wife is to use them as nothing more than a means, and it breaks a moral code.) Annnnyway, I brought this up to Jay, and his first question was (albiet teasing), "Are you thinking about cheating on me?"

*grins* So....not for me. But as a student of psychology and sociology, I'm totally interested in learning more just for the information bank of my brain :)

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by Kaylara
A very good article on this subject was written by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart who actually coined the term polyamory. It's called "A Bouquet of Lovers" And can be found at the CAW website. I have found that a lot of the suggestions that she has for rules are very well explained, thought out, and helpful for me.


What's the URL, sweetie?

[Mairwen]

Church of All Worlds: http://www.caw.org/

[Kaylara]

To be more specific:

http://www.caw.org/articles/bouquet.html

Kaylara

[slvr_phoenix]

I've always found it an interesting concept. (Well, maybe not ALWAYS, but ever since I learned of the concept at least.) Long ago a friend of mine and I talked about her love life. She was the kind of person that probably could never fully settle down with just one person. And in talking with her I got to thinking about how if I loved someone, and how if that someone loved me, I wouldn't have a problem if they loved (or even just had a physical relationship) with other people, so long as when all was said and done they still loved me and spent quality time with me.

It wouldn't be my preference mind you, but I could see myself in a polyamorous relationship if I fell in love with someone who believed in one.

However, I fell in love with my wife and to my knowledge she has no such desires. And that works for me because I like having as much of her love as I can get. :) So I'm perfectly happy to be in love with her and only her. Had I not met her though, who knows what kind of a relationship I might be in.

[Ball-Bhreac Ròn]

I'm sure I'd just get *extremely* jealous...

[Yvonne Belisle]

I have plenty of friends who are in multipartner relationships some swingers by mutual consent some feel the way several members have expressed but I couldn't do it. I am too insecure and jelous to handle a relationship like that.

[WolfSinger]

The only two times I've even come close to attempting something remotely resembling polyamory, it's been an extremely bad experience. I am still curious how a couple could manage to quell or avoid the possessiveness and/or jealousy issues. In both of my cases, it's been a matter of the SO (primary) getting more involved and/or interested in the new "member" than in the established primary relationship, sometimes resulting in very nasty reactions.

[Myst]

Well the point is to keep the primary relationship mended and working well before any secondary relationships. Jealousy and possessiveness are big things to work over and that link kaylara shared some info and links with other info on how to handle it.

[Mairwen]

Yes, we downloaded and printed a copy to keep and discuss. Very helpful. Thanks for posting, Kay. {hugs}

[MistOfTheSea86]

prefer a monogomous relationship... But thats just me:)

[Kaylara]

You're welcome Mari! I enjoyed the article when I first saw it in Green Egg, and thought that it was chock full of great information... So I was glad to share it. :)

Kaylara

[Shy Hawk]

The concept is beautiful and selfless....but I have to admit....I know myself well enough to know that I would get sickeningly jealous. Maybe that's a personal flaw that I should work on, but at least I know it.
I do have friends that live in that lifestyle, and at the least, I think it's pretty cool.

...But....(cringes) me possessive! Mine mine! :rolleyes:

[MistOfTheSea86]

Originally posted by Shy Hawk
The concept is beautiful and selfless....but I have to admit....I know myself well enough to know that I would get sickeningly jealous. Maybe that's a personal flaw that I should work on, but at least I know it.
I do have friends that live in that lifestyle, and at the least, I think it's pretty cool.

...But....(cringes) me possessive! Mine mine! :rolleyes:


WORD

[Isis]

WORD? Roflmmfao, LOL!!!!!!

Didya pull out your 1995 ghetto handbook for that? LOL.....

Thanks for your prayers by the way. This is an interesting topic, and I'm quite enjoying it.


Isis

[Illuminatus]

Originally posted by ASR
Also, my boyfriend has a HUGE jealous streak. I was thinking in my Ethics class about why cheating is wrong. What branch of philosophy gives us a "rule" that makes it wrong. (FYI, I think its Kant's philosophy -- to deceive one's husband/wife is to use them as nothing more than a means, and it breaks a moral code.) Annnnyway, I brought this up to Jay, and his first question was (albiet teasing), "Are you thinking about cheating on me?"

No written rule. If there is one, it's primarily to justify the natural instincts we are born with. Jealousy is an instinctive behavior, not so much a logical one. It's hardwired, to one extent or another, into every human being, with the basic message "Make sure my mate passes MY genes on to the next generation and not some other schmuck's". Speaking in evolutionary terms, those few people who did not display the trait of jealousy had their mates go cheating on them, and their genes were eventually phased out of the genepool. This insticnt is primarily in men, since women could have sex with another man, and the man could be decieved into thinking the baby was his.

On the flip side, there is ALSO an instinctive drive to cheat. Confused yet? The goal of reproduction in the human male is to pass your genes on as much as you can to as many as you can. Hence, he will eventually grow tired of his mate and seek out a new one. This happens every day when men have affairs while their mates are at home. Women also have a tendency to do this, but less often. They have affairs with the hope of bringing stronger genes into their established family unit.

There was an hour special on the discovery channel, it was pretty kewl :)

- Ill

[Illuminatus]

Originally posted by Isis
WORD? Roflmmfao, LOL!!!!!!

Didya pull out your 1995 ghetto handbook for that? LOL.....

Thanks for your prayers by the way. This is an interesting topic, and I'm quite enjoying it.


Isis

Uh oh, don't let Xois hear you say that man! :o

[Isis]

ILL,

Um I was so joking around.....is that not obvious? If its not then I apologize if anyone was offended. Can you enlighten me as to why the comment is offensive? From the posts that I've read it seems like everyone has a healthy sense of humor, or maybe I'm mistaken.


BB,

Isis

[Amora]

Just wanted to put my two cents in here...wasn't exactly sure what it was so thanks for the education. Not something I would ever do or even consider. Do I understand correctly that most people in these relationships have bi feelings? Or is it all done just separately and not usually together? :confused:

I don't mind dating other people as long as no particular one is serious but I guess thats not the same thing. It wouldn't work for me because I wouldn't tolerate another relationship on the side and I'm not attracted to the same sex and wouldn't want my boyfriend to be either. But hey my opinion is whatever works for you... :)

[Myst]

Originally posted by Isis
Um I was so joking around.....is that not obvious?

Uhm, he was joking too. :)

[flar7]

"To joke. Or not to joke. That is the question."
no wait, that aint it. If a particle of animate matter.. OT


If you can have multiple partners and keep out the hate, jealousy and other ill feelings, and then also have the love and strong commitment then it doesnt seem to matter(at least to me) what it is called. Besides, I cant say that word!! polyorotm.. polyarmo..ldang.... nothin says lovin like fresh from the oven, he he.

[Isis]

Uhm, he was joking too.


Thanks for the clarification Willow.....much obliged.


Isis

[Kaylara]

Originally posted by flar7
"To joke. Or not to joke. That is the question."
no wait, that aint it. If a particle of animate matter.. OT


If you can have multiple partners and keep out the hate, jealousy and other ill feelings, and then also have the love and strong commitment then it doesnt seem to matter(at least to me) what it is called. Besides, I cant say that word!! polyorotm.. polyarmo..ldang.... nothin says lovin like fresh from the oven, he he.
It's pronounced:
Poly-amor-ee

Kaylara

[flar7]

Thanks K, now I can say it... can you help me with linoleum or
lineolium or line.. you know what i mean?

[flar7]

ok, I'll bite. K. why was 3-13 best day?

signed: The Cat

[Kaylara]

It was the day that me and Traz started going out. :-)

Kaylara

[Xander67]

eeek. I just happened to find this thread, and I must say, I could not help but re-live some very painful memories while reading these posts..I have never cheated and do not intend to start at a future date...

to me, that is the most hurtful thing one can ever do to the supposed "Love of your life"
mad: :mad:
"gee honey, youre great and I love you, but i need to explore with so and so.." what is really being said here is, "your nice but You dont make me happy and give me the emotional love and support i need, so IM gonna get it elsewhere, but I will be home in time for supper???"

I am sorry, I am gonna stand up for the Purple team here,
There is no way on this planet I could ever do such a horrible thing to the person that im supposedly in love with.....

:( :( I guess that is why I am alone at this point in my life

*shrugs, but so be it, I would rather be alone then do destroy someones soul and trample on someones heart like that!

[Emy]

I have no experience of that type of relationship, and frankly I don't want any either. I know that it would never work out for me and my fiancé, I am to jealous, and I would get really hurt if he would have suggested it, but that is just me! We are all a different. :)

B*B

[Mariposa De La Luna]

Originally posted by Xander67
eeek. I just happened to find this thread, and I must say, I could not help but re-live some very painful memories while reading these posts..I have never cheated and do not intend to start at a future date...

to me, that is the most hurtful thing one can ever do to the supposed "Love of your life"
mad: :mad:
"gee honey, youre great and I love you, but i need to explore with so and so.." what is really being said here is, "your nice but You dont make me happy and give me the emotional love and support i need, so IM gonna get it elsewhere, but I will be home in time for supper???"

I am sorry, I am gonna stand up for the Purple team here,
There is no way on this planet I could ever do such a horrible thing to the person that im supposedly in love with.....

:( :( I guess that is why I am alone at this point in my life

*shrugs, but so be it, I would rather be alone then do destroy someones soul and trample on someones heart like that!

I think you missed the point. Its not cheating if both partners know about and have absolutely no problem with it. it doesn't work for everybody.

Some very good relationships have ended because a person thinks they can't be in love with two people at the same time. it can be a way to stregnthen relationships with others. On the other hand some people do use it as an excuse to do whatever they please. Theres good and bad to it like most things.

[Xander67]

well I respect the views of the others here,
and everyone will jsut have to respect my feelings on this here,
I didnt miss the point of it all, but I just ahd a problem with it.

yeah, perhaps to some, it may not be cheating if both partners are in agreement, but does that do anything for the self esteem blows and doubts that come along, or the feelings of inadequacy deep down inside.....it just goes to show you that some people let thier desires over rule thier heart..that is how i feel...

[Euphoria]

I see your point Xander but are desires not part of our heart ... i think that yes u could have all those feelings and yes it could destroy a relationship buton the otherhand it could prove to you how special your relationship is and give a strong reasurance

Personally it's not for me .. but i respect other peoples choices

:heartthro Charysma :heartthro

[Mairwen]

Originally posted by Xander67
eeek. I just happened to find this thread, and I must say, I could not help but re-live some very painful memories while reading these posts..I have never cheated and do not intend to start at a future date...

I think you've missed the point. Polyamoury isn't cheating.

[Shy Hawk]

Frankly you could have all those feelings in a monogamous relationships....Polyamoury can be a very positive thing. But, most people need ground rules...and if they are followed, then there usually isn't a problem. ANd, if there is a problem,...well then you fix it.

[Kaylara]

Exactly. This is the best way that we could have a relationship. We are very happy in this kind of relationship in a way that I don't think we would be if we weren't poly. It's not the point of cheating, we're not, and there is no jealously in the way that one would have if it we considered it cheating.

Kaylara

[Myst]

Deciding to be polyamorous allows for open discussion, encourages communication and shows trust, and could be a very good thing for relationships. If you're feeling like your homebody girlfriend is getting boring even though you love her, because sometimes you just want to go out, then you can go out with someone else and share friendship and love with them too; no need to sneak out and cheat at all.

[Xander67]

Quote Willow ....
Deciding to be polyamorous allows for open discussion, encourages communication and shows trust, and could be a very good thing for relationships.

:confused: :confused:
hey wait a minute , why would that encourage open communication, I guess I can see your point, but I have always believed that there should be trust and honesty and open communication at the very foundation of the relationship to begin with, If someone needs to look outside the relationship to help foster the things that should be there to begin with, then that shows that those two people may not be right for each other

I guess I can respect others views but im sort of old fashioned like that.... I dont pretend to be someone im not to impress anyone...

but as I said earlier, mabey thats why im alone LOL

[Euphoria]

Although these things should be there in the first place and every relationship should be built on trust .. polyamorus relationships encourage them .. if not strengthening them ..... and demonstarting that trust to its extreme

I think it could be extremely could for a relationship

But like i said it's not for me

:heartthro Charysma :heartthro

[Xander67]

I have seen cases where it has been good, but I have seen cases where it has also not helped *puts head down

but thats what LOVE is about I guess, wanting someone to be happy and loveing them enough to let them make thier own decisions... I have no regrets though , Just prooves It wasnt the Goddess's plan for me and she has someone better for me:)

[Illuminatus]

There's something inherently insulting about a polyamourous relationship.

It's the implied assumption that "You are not enough for me." and that you want more, from someone else. If someone asks you to bring a third party into your relationship, it's a big red flag, and when you see it you can be pretty sure that you're not satisfying your partner.

[Mariposa De La Luna]

I can admit I don't satisfy my partner. But I also know he loves me and no matter what he does or with whom I am number 1 in his heart and he will be honest and tell me.

[Mariposa De La Luna]

Originally posted by Xander67
I have seen cases where it has been good, but I have seen cases where it has also not helped *puts head down

but thats what LOVE is about I guess, wanting someone to be happy and loveing them enough to let them make thier own decisions... I have no regrets though , Just prooves It wasnt the Goddess's plan for me and she has someone better for me:)

I'm sorry this is a touchy subject for you. We are not saying it is for everyone. I'm sorry if you had to learn the hard way that it wasn't for you. (hugs)

A person should be very responsible and make sure a perspective partner understands upfront. If it should develope within an existing relationship it should be examined from all sides and if one partner says no the other should be able to respect that.

[Xander67]

Thank you for the Consideration SAHM
im ok with talking about it, i just thought it was a good example of both sides of the coin.... different strokes for different folks...


"acceptance for who I am, " yeah that makes me happy


and thank you Ill, for your post LOL

almost makes me want to convert to BLUEISM LOL

(ALMOST) LOL

Vote Purple!

[Mariposa De La Luna]

I'd hate to be on the other side of the coin. It would probably remind me of ..... But I won't go there. :D

[Xander67]

ok bad analgy for "both points of view" perhaps that was better LMAO

[Myst]

Originally posted by Xander67
hey wait a minute , why would that encourage open communication, I guess I can see your point, but I have always believed that there should be trust and honesty and open communication at the very foundation of the relationship to begin with, If someone needs to look outside the relationship to help foster the things that should be there to begin with, then that shows that those two people may not be right for each other


No. It shows maybe you should look to other people. For instance, how many girlfriends have you had who you could have great discussions with about sports, beer, potbellies, belching, farting, binding underwear, nosehair, other women's bodies, britney spears, christina aguilera, etc. You don't dump the girl, you find someone else to talk to about that stuff (probably guy friends). Now what if you love going out dancing but your girlfriend hates it so much she refuses, she wants to stay home and watch tv every night? Do you dump her? Or if she and you are both open, do you find another date to dance with? (note the if you are BOTH open to it part, meaning she probably feels the same way about you too - maybe she wants a guy who will read poetry to her instead of just the sports pages)

It fosters communication and trust because the polyamorous relationship requires more of both of those. Yes you have to communicate with and trust your girlfriend anyway, but when it can involve another partner you have to trust her all the more, and communicate all the more too. It's not about "fostering things that aren't there" but proving that you can even share more communication and trust, because you need to for the relationship to work.

[Myst]

Incidentally, when our parents were younger they dated and then they went "steady". These days young people equate "going out" with going steady - just dating is frowned upon I find (especially if it's a woman). For instance when I was 17 I was dating another 17 yo and wanted to start seeing a 20 yo too and I had all kinds of people giving me dirty looks and calling me wh**e, etc.. You can't even date, you're supposed to just go steady - well how are you supposed to meet new people or be sure someone is right for you? I mean you can date them for awhile but then you have to dump them to date someone else? What if the first person was right, and you find that out after you date the second? See what I mean? Especially when just dating two people at once makes you a wh**e?

Sometimes I think people should just mind their own business :)

(not anyone here, just in general)

[Xander67]

well I see your point about the dating thing,

why does accepting and respecting ppl for being unique have to lead to Polyamory????

I had a gf who liked to dance alot, I am not a great dancer but I went with her, and she had a blast,...nothing wrong with her danceing out there by herself with other girls/guys...she insisted that we both stay in eyesight of each other, so there wouldnt be any problems.....

I guess that is an issue that two ppl would have to adress before getting into a relationship...the Poly thing......

either its yea or nea...

i am just uncomfortable with it, its not that im insecure with my own abilty to love someone, its that sometimes, the mind can be tricked and controlled....

sorry for getting so emotional about this thread LOL

[Myst]

Originally posted by Xander67
why does accepting and respecting ppl for being unique have to lead to Polyamory????

No one said it did. It's not cheating, it's not being delusional about one's relationship. Some people just have their own reasons for getting into it, like you have your reasons for not doing so. no worries :) *shrug*

[Xander67]

ok , mabey im a tiny bit innsecure, LOL

but isn't that everyones feep rooted fear? the unknown? :)

LOL....sorry for being OT

[Myst]

Maybe. :)

I feel that polyamorous relationships probably would be great.

Then again I'd be too jealous to be in one anyway, and my husband hates the idea. So *shrug* I guess whatever works for people :)

[Xander67]

Exactly :)

but you didnt have to validate me insecurity statement:p :p

:D :D :D :D :D :D

[Myst]

Mwa ha ha!

(ok now we're really OT)

[NightFire]

If you read the previous posts I have put up, you will see that a poly relationship consists of loving more than 1 other person, it does not mean you even have to have sex with them, it is just that they are a significant individual to you and your other partner, just as you are and your partner are significant to them.

One of the previous post demonstrate this exact point, a married couple, who has another person that lives with them. They have become so attached to each other that they cannot concieve of living seperate from each other, they have no sexual relations with each other at all.

You are making judgements on this lifestyle from how many personal experiences?? How many "normal" relationships have you had that were not what you anticipated?? Are you going to start making judgements against people with monogamous relationships next?

I never thought about the idea until I met my wife, and she stated that she was interested in a polyamourous relationship, which she had been involved with before, we disscused this for over a year before we attemted to do anything about it, we then started looking around. One major mistake that is made in a poly relationship is that people assume that the first person, or couple that they meet for a poly relationship is the right one(s) for them. That's like assuming the first person you date is the "one" for you. It's just not true.

[Xander67]

I am not trying to attak the Poly way of life, but i was just merely sayong how I felt about it personaly, It is not for me, but I can respect others views...that was all..

[Kaylara]

:D

Kaylara

[StormChaser]

As I have known them can either be REALLY GOOD
or REALLY crudy.

They can either make or break a relationship.. and a social circle.
Most that I have seen upclose and personal have led to serious heartache and other such quite literal psychi-enduced issues.

As a child growing up around it, it really had me messed up when i first started dating. The boundaries between Love and Sex were blurred and yet exact.. hard to explain.. but the long and short of it was that it was obvioulsy not something healthy for ME *not everyone or anyone else* to grow up in\around.

~Storm Chaser