PDA

View Full Version : Need help with kids.....venting!!



Jade Moon
January 23rd, 2005, 05:39 PM
Okay, I mostly just need to vent, rant.....but your advice would be appreciated.

Where do I start? Well, my ex and I split up two years ago after 7 years of marriage. He had cheated and we tried counseling - but there was just no love there. We have an amicable relationship, and he is a pretty good dad. We now have joint custody of our three kids (ages 8, 6, and 3). The kids spend 7 days with him, then alternate 7 days with me and my fiance.

As I said, he is a decent father. Our personalities just clash. But, I have this STRONG desire to try to get full custody where he would have visitation like every other weekend. My kids are fairly well adjusted (they make straight A's, no behavior probs, etc...), I just hate that they have to change homes every week. Wouldn't you hate that?

They never know where their stuff is. The are always forgetting their coats or shoes or dance clothes. It is just so confusing. The consistency is just not there. My son will be completely potty trained when he leaves me on Friday, then when he comes back the next week, I have to start all over again. It was the same thing with the bottle.

I cry my eyes out for hours every other Friday - it just doesn't seem right for a mom to miss out on half of her children's lives. I gave birth to them dammit!! And he is the one who cheated!! They would have a "normal", stable home with my fiance and I. He loves them like they were his own - and they love him. I mean, by the time my son is 18, I will have missed 9 years of his life!! Its not fair!

Well, the reason I haven't pressed the issue is because I don't want to do this for selfish reasons. It won't be an easy fight, and maybe I should leave well enough alone. As I said, the kids are doing fine. But then again, maybe I'm being selfish if I don't fight for my kids. I must admit, that while I miss my kids, I do take advantage of the time that I have to myself. Would a good mom have insisted on full custody a long time ago? I just don't know what to do!!!! Thanks for listening!! :confused: :wah2:

Tea Leaf
January 23rd, 2005, 06:15 PM
Have you spoken to your ex-husband? Does he feel the same? Maybe an alternative schedule could work out something that is both stable for your kids and gives you and your ex ‘personal time’. For example (and I’m just reaching here), if you want your kids to live at home with you primarily, and your ex to have visitation rights: What if your kids lived with you 7 days a week, but your ex take them during the day on a week-end for ‘dad time’ or take them to dinner during the week. Your ex could help with the driving to school and lessons on a daily basis and maybe take them for (I don’t know) 2,3,4 weeks in the summer –a vacation for you and time with their dad for you kids?-

I don’t know anything about custody rights so I’m sorry if this is impossible. It’s just a thought I had.

Lunacie
January 23rd, 2005, 06:33 PM
My daughter separated from her ex about a year ago and got a divorce about six months ago. She and her two girls live with me now (I was divorced two years ago). The way she and her ex worked out custody is that the girls spend the week here, and their daddy comes and gets them Friday evening for the weekend. They alternate holidays. It's been working out very well. I love spending time with the girls during the week but I sure enjoy the nice quiet weekend when I can get some 'me' things done. We pack a bag of clothes only for the girls for the weekend, they have some things of their own at dad's house and so far there hasn't been anything that went with them to their dad's that didn't come back home with them.

Your ex cheated on you, not on the children. Since you live close enough for them to be able to live at both places and still go to school and see their friends, it sounds like the situation is working out resonably well. As long as the kids are happy spending time with both their parents, you ARE being a good mom. :hugz:

Temptation
January 24th, 2005, 10:46 AM
I don't know what to tell you. On the one hand, being a mother myself, I totally understand how you feel. I couldn't bear to be away from my daughter and miss out on half the things that go on in her life. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to stand in the way of her having equal time with her father, especially if he's a good Daddy and she enjoys the time spent with him.
I know that we give birth to them and all, but, that doesn't mean we are owed something. At least that's how I see it. Giving birth to someone is a gift and the love we give to our children must be selfless. Their happiness comes first. Are your children happy? Do they look forward to time spent with their Daddy? Do they see the constant moving around as a problem?
If this becomes a real issue for you, if the situation becomes too problematic for you to deal with, I think you should talk it over with your ex and see how he feels. Who knows, maybe he would welcome a change in the way things are. But always make sure that the changes you might implement as a result won't destabilize your children's lives.

Hope you sort it out. :hugz:

LacyRoze
January 24th, 2005, 10:55 AM
Are your children happy with the arrangement? If it's a problem with them as well then I would attempt talking things over with the ex before taking any legal action. However, if the children are happy with the way things are then why change it? Afterall, it's really about them isn't it? You say it's not right for a mother to miss half their childrens lives, well, is it right for a father to? I would assume he loves them just as much as you do and I'm sure it pains him when they leave him as well. He cheated on you, not the children. If they're happy then leave it be...

Jade Moon
January 24th, 2005, 12:56 PM
Thanks for great advice guys. Aside from being unorganized at times, I guess my children are well adjusted to the situation. I think I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I guess every mom wants to fit that stereotype of supermom - and I definitely don't feel that I measure up when my kids are gone half the time. But if I look at how my kids are doing - then I must be doing something right! Anyway.....thanks again! :loveduv:

LacyRoze
January 24th, 2005, 12:59 PM
Flying broomsticks woman!!! To me you personify a "supermom"!!! You're raising well adjusted kids in a difficult situation. You give them love and their father ,even tho it's difficult. I don't think they could ask for more!!:huddle:

Raven Reed
January 24th, 2005, 01:07 PM
My kids haven't seen their dad in ten years.

I think it is wonderful that you and your ex have worked things out where your children get to be with their dad for as much time as they can. Kids need a dad as well as a mom. I applaud you both.

soilsigh aingeal
January 24th, 2005, 01:20 PM
I think it's great that you can work out an arrangement like that. As long as everyone is happy, you are definately doing a good job! :hugz:

Ceres
January 24th, 2005, 01:30 PM
no matter what we do, we mothers feel guilt, try to remember that! your situation is unique, your guilt isnt, so relax.

Raven Reed
January 24th, 2005, 02:45 PM
Ah yes. Mom guilt. Never ends.