I'm not sure what to do....thoughts?

[Madjek]

Hi everyone:
I've been a little reluctant to post about my problem but I decided to do it anyways. I really need to talk to some one and vent a bit I think.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. I have a 4 years old boy who only knows him as his dad. He's not his biological son though but it's never been an issue; he's his daddy. We've also just had a baby last May so she's 8 months going on 9. It's been really hard since the baby was born. Not the baby herself, she's wonderful-healthy and beautiful, but our realtionship. We just recently moved from the west coast back to Ontario because he didn't like living there. My whole family is there I don't know any body here anymore. I don't have any friends except for my MW family. We had an argument this morning because I was asking him who all those numbers on his phone were from at first he didn't have any problem s telling me who they were. Except for one number he said he didn't remember who he talked to 2 days ago after work for almost 10 minutes. Fine then I asked if Chan was one of our friends number( I wanted to call him and it sounds alot like our friends last name ) He said it was Chantals number and got really upset and said I shouldn't be going through his phone.
Chantal is a girl he works with or used to work with. He said she quit. She has been mentioned alot lately bacause a few days ago we had another argument and almost broke up. We decided to work things out hough. I'll get to that fight in a minute. Let me explain who Chantal is. While discussing things during our last fight Iasked him if he liked any body else or was attracted to anyone else. I've had a feeling he was for a while. He said he was I asked who and it was Chantal. It didn't really bother me because well it happens. Then he started saying all these things why it would never work out between the two of them. I told him to stop. I told him it didn't bother me that he was attracted to someone else. What bothered me was that he put so much thought into why it wouldn't work out between them so he'd obvoulsy thought about getting with her. He didn't say anything. So that's her story. I don't think he's slept with her or anything but just the thought of him wnating there to be something really gets to me. It really makes me angry not at her but at him. Here I am staying at home everyday raising his child and cooking and cleaning for him and he's out there flirting and joking with some hoochy mamma!!!!!
He said I didn't trust him and I said that he wasn't making it any easier by acting all suspicious. I don't know if I'm being to suspicious or not. I really have a feeling he could be talking to a girl but he maay not too. He's never cheated on me but I can't shake these feelings off. I'm not mormally a jelaous person. I've only had these feelings about 2 or 3 months ago. The reason I'm a little worried too is because I'm normally really good at sensing these things. I get a little hunch and it's normally right. Any ways I haven't talked to him since this morning. I told him I wanted to brake up. He didn't say anything. This isn't the only reason of course there ALOT more to what has led up to this but I'm not sure anyone has enough time to listen to me ramble on and on. I don't know if we should just be friend or if we should keep trying. I'm exhausted thinking about it all by myself...anyone can give me an objective opinion would be greatly apreciated....should I call it quits or keep trying.

Oh ya another thing if we brake up I have no where to go no money no friends and no job 'cause I'm a stay at home mom.

[star_childe]

i think if you love him dont give up. But to me it sounds like you are trying to subconsciously get back at him for taking you away from family, friends and everything familiar. You made a sacrifice moving because he wanted to move, but its your life. If you feel like you can work it out, make contacts in the community and make friends, do it. But if you have a nagging little voice at the back of your mind telling you that its all wrong and you deserve better, listen.

[star_childe]

sorry if that seemed cold. im not very good at this sort of thing. Im just wondering, why cant you have friends just because you are a stay at home mum? Do you live in an isolated area? What about all the other stay at home mums in the area? Why cant you get a part-time job and put the kids in day care or get a baby sitter occasionally? You sound like you feel very alone. Just Remember that you are never alone, youre guides are always there to help you.
I hope everything works out for you all.

[Madjek]

Thans for the advice...after typing that long ass post I felt much better. I'm not so angry anymore I'm still just a bit confused as to how I feel about our situation. Somedays I think "NO we have to keep trying" but some other days I think "I just want to be on my own!" Anyways thanks for letting me vent and listening... :hugz:

[Madjek]

Oh star childe you I didn't take offence to what you said. And you're probably right that I could make and extra effort to make friends. I have a couple of good friends but they live at least 45 minutes away and don't have cars and my car needs a new battery so it's odd the road. Plus I've been a hermit because it's so cold outside. I don't mind having only a couple of friends, I kind of enjoy being alone, the only problem is my family is not here so if something were to happen I don't have a place to run and take refuge. I hope that makes sense. These 2 girlfriends couldn't take me in. Plus I did start looking for work. And we're moving in a couple of months to the city so I hope it gets better when all those changes take place. I just have to hang on. Everything around here I have to drive to. THere's nothing not even a mall close by. Needless to say I HATE this town. Thanks for listening StarChilde.

[Jenett]

It sounds like there have been *lots* of changes in both of your lives recently - new baby, a move to a new place, all sorts of stuff.

People deal with things differently. It may be that he's suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed by the fact that there's a child of his own, that you're dependent on him, that he's got to be responsible in various ways (plus the stress of moving).

I honestly don't think it's unusual in that kind of situation for people to do some "What if" or spend some time maybe doing a little fantasing about what it'd be like not to have those responsibilities. Talking to Chantal may be part of that for him.

In your place, I'd probably start looking for both some other options, *and* for ways you two can work things out. Can he give you some time (one night a week, maybe?) where you could go do some activity that you'd enjoy? (With kids or without). Are there parent playgroups you could join? Something that'd give you a little support and time for yourself? (If you don't want to do something in person, what about something online? Or some other hobby?)

What really matters to you about what he does? If he were responsible to you, and you had time with him, and things were going well, would you have problems with him talking to other women? (I'm not being euphemistic: I mean talking as friends.) Is it the fact that he's been not telling you who he's been talking to that bugs you?

He does sort of have a point that it's not nice to go through someone else's phone info unless you guys have agreed that that's ok. Some couples have no problems with it, others feel it's an invasion of privacy or trust. My husband and I have a "Only after asking and getting specific permission" basis for email and phone stuff - we both have individual friends who trust one of us but don't know the other, and we're respectful of those people's privacy.

It sounds like things may get easier for you once you can move in a couple of months - figuring a way to hang in there until then is probably your best bet. You're not in a good position to support yourself, and your boyfriend is important to both of your kids.

If you've stuck it through this long together, you obviously love each other and care about each other, and have been willing to support each other in the past. It may just be that right now, you're both caught up in having a new baby in the house and moving, and all the other changes, and maybe forget that.

[Doodlebug]

Have you considered relationship counselling?

[Madjek]

Wow Jenet...thank you so much for that. Things have been MUCh better the past couple of days now. We're talking and being more affectionate towards each other. We went on a date last night too which was really nice. I think you are right we need to do things that are enjoyable and together the two of us. I have plenty of things I like doing by myself but we hadn't done anything together in a VERY long time. We need to find things that we both enjoy. And I also think it's the pressure of him having to provide for us and me depending on him. The pressure of me being at home all the time with the kids. Having the new baby.
We were talking about our move today and we're both looking forward to it. Things will get better...We did talk about going to couselling and we're going to see how things go and take it from there. Thank you all for your kind advice. :hugz: