massive "christian vs. not christian" family discord

[nightbreeze]

Hi everybody,

I have a real big problem with my wife's family and absolutely don't know what to do now. So this is going to be quite a long story ...

It all started, when my now wife and I decided that we wanted to marry in May 2003 after having known each other for more than 6 years. The decision to marry was "a quick shot", because my mother was very ill from cancer that time and eventually really passed away two weeks later.

The real troublemaker however was my wife's father that by random had found out a couple of month before our marriage that I was not member of the catholic church. He did not mention it though until we told my wife's parents that we wanted to marry. At that point her father completely freaked out.

He wanted me to join the catholic church immediately and we had a long big quarrel lasting till late night.

I have been a follower of the old Celtic paths for more than 15 years now and was not willing to betray my believes. My wife's father does not know what I exactly believe in, though. The only thing that counts for him is me being member of exactly the catholic church or not. You probably think that he would be very religious but he isn't. He doesn't attend masses on a regular basis either. It's just a question of "shame" to have a non-catholic in his family. My wife does not share my exact believes, but is rather an atheist.

The relationship between my wife's family and myself had previously been very good, I even liked my now father-in-law a lot.

Now, one and a half years later the situation has not improved a bit. The rest of my wife's family does not share her fathers point of view and thats why he accuses them of not supporting him but this "non christian". That however has caused very much suffering for everybody involved.

My mother in law is the one who suffers the most, being torn apart between her daughter and her husband. Many people tried to convince my wife's father that he is wrong, but no chance. So some people now suggest that I should join the catholic church for exactly one day, send the declaration of accession to my wife's parents and leave the church on the same day again.

Under "normal" circumstances I would not even think about this but I am completely lost at this point. I don't want to have futher contact with this person and hopefully wont have it, but I would really like to do something that takes some tension out of the entire situation.

What do you think about all this?

nightbreeze

ps.: please have mercy if my English is not perfect

[Temptation]

First let me ask you this, because it's not very clear from your post : How does your wife feel about all this? Have you talked it over with her? What would she like you to do? Does this matter to her at all? Is she suffering because of her father's behaviour? Is it creating problems in your marriage?

It seems to me that your father in law does not care about religion at all. The only thing that matters to him is what people might say or think of him for having a "non-catholic" son-in-law. He is a very selfish person who seems to care only about himself and his reputation at the expense of his family's and especially his daughter's happiness.

What does he want you to do, convert to catholicism just to make him happy??? That's just nuts.

The way I see it you have two choices. Either you convert, or at least pretend to convert ;), to catholicism and finally get some peace in the family. Or you stick to your beliefs and refuse to do it, period. Just tell him that his religion is not for you, that you have your own beliefs and that not being a catholic does not make you a bad person.

It's your choice in the end. Just don't let anyone force you into doing something you are not comfortable with.

[Aine of the Fae]

Conversion to Catholicism is not an easy thing to do, and I really do not recommend it in this situation. The best you can do is try to reason with your father-in-law and be grateful he's the only one who has that attitude.

[Yvonne Belisle]

If you know a Catholic priest I would suggest explaining that you are having trouble with your father in law. Let them know that while you respect the church you don't feel that it is right for you. See if they will talk to your father in law about this and see if they can smooth this out for you. Hopefully you can find one progressive enough to do this for you they are out there you might want to ask around and see if any of your friends knows a priest that would be willing to do this for you.

[nightbreeze]

First thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate any thoughts on this.

First let me ask you this, because it's not very clear from your post : How does your wife feel about all this? Have you talked it over with her? What would she like you to do? Does this matter to her at all? Is she suffering because of her father's behaviour? Is it creating problems in your marriage?

Yes, you're right, I did not very much talk about my wife. She probably has the hardest time of all and feels thrown away by her father, as she once called it. She never had a very close relationship to her father, yet still it hurts her deeply.

She really respects my believes and would never press me into something, yet I feel some kind of guilt when I see everybody suffering from this man and would like to do something about it.

The next conflict is due when it comes to the question if we should baptise our child that will be born in May this year. We decided not to do it but we are both concerned about the reaction of my wife's family.

The way I see it you have two choices. Either you convert, or at least pretend to convert ;), to catholicism and finally get some peace in the family. Or you stick to your beliefs and refuse to do it, period. Just tell him that his religion is not for you, that you have your own beliefs and that not being a catholic does not make you a bad person.

Yes, thats what I see as well. I would really like to calm down the situtation but I am not sure at all if a lie will do any good. On one side I see a conversion as a solely formal act, but I just don't like the thought of being a catholic for even a day.

Conversion to Catholicism is not an easy thing to do, and I really do not recommend it in this situation. The best you can do is try to reason with your father-in-law and be grateful he's the only one who has that attitude.

Reasoning is impossible, it requires the all participants willing to talk. And gratitudity ... no, I don't think I am grateful for this mess.

If you know a Catholic priest I would suggest explaining that you are having trouble with your father in law. Let them know that while you respect the

We also discussed that some time ago but everybody we asked predicted that my father in law would probably throw the priest out of his house. But on the other hand, it is probably worth a try.

Thanks again all your ideas.

nightbreeze

[Temptation]

When my daughter was born, my husband and I decided to have her baptized in the Catholic church. By then, I had long left catholicism behind and was well on my way down my spiritual path. The only reason we decided to do it is for my dear, very devout catholic grand-mother. It was very important to her that my daughter be baptized. So we did it, because I owe my grand-mother so much and I loved her more than I can say. It was not a hard decision to make, because it was made out of love.

My sister, however, who's is a fervent atheist :lol:, absolutely refused to baptise her children. She sees this as lying and simply would not be coerced into it.

So you see, it all depends how you and your wife see the situation. What you both can or can't live with. I trust when the time comes to really make a decision one way or the other, you'll do the right thing. :)

[Wintersteel]

Having family member of different faiths can be tough.. I was raised with a Catholic Mother and a Baptist Father.. We didn't really have any religion till my parents divorced. My mother had us baptized, first communion and confession in the Catholic Church. I fell away from this religion right before I had my daughter. I had no religion.. To make everyone happy, my husband, in-laws and family happy, I had my daughter christened in Christian church. I started practicing Wicca, after my divorce, after much study.. When I was married for the second time (*I* would have liked a handfasting) but I compromised with a ceremony that had no mention of God, or the Lord.. to make my in laws happy, and not to freak them out.. I still have my conviction and beliefs without having to throw them in anyones face.. Its been hard.. But its for my family.. I guess you will have to follow your heart.. I'm not good at giving at advice. :sadeyes: Everyone's previous suggestions are great.. Just thought I would share my own personal experience with you..

Love and Light,

Wintersteel

[Shanti]

You have nothing to feel bad about. Your FIL is causing the pain, not you.
And is deceit the answer to healing wounds that are caused by another?
Feeling sadness for the pain your FIL has caused others is understandable, but theres no reason to feel guilt.

My 2 cents. :)

[gothicbttrfli]

I understand what you are going through. I was just recently married and even though my husband is very excepting of my religious choice and beliefs I know that his family and mine would not be. I am not ashamed of my spiritual path but I do keep it to myself and only discuss it with those I know will not judge me. I wish there was a way to let everyone know what I believe in but I am very big on family and I do not want to lose them over what I choose to follow. My advice to you is to follow your heart. Ask your wife her opinion and go from there. You and her are the one's who are married and have to live with the decisions you make not your FIL. I understand that you are wanting to make peace with him and to save everyone else's feelings and not make them suffer but if you let him win you will be the one suffering because you are the one who had to sacrifice something. If you feel that you can live with what he wants you to do then do it but if you feel that it would eat at your heart and soul then it is not worth it.

I do have a question though. Before you are your wife were married did she know what your spiritual path was? If so then that is all that should matter. If she married you knowing what you believe in then she is accpeting of it and it should be the only thing that holds any weight. If she didn;t then you really need to just sit down and talk it out. Figure out what you want to do as a married couple.

I hope everything gets better for you and I will keep you in my thougts.

Blessed be!