Suicide

[Aine of the Fae]

Not mine, a friend. Well, he was more than a friend....

Things have been worse than difficult lately. Between getting sick, the doctor's screw-ups and then the problems I've been having with my marriage, it's been difficult just getting through the day sometimes.

I've been sick this week, and haven't been going much of anywhere, but I was at my old house (now my mother's house) tonight packing up some more stuff. I was getting ready to leave when the phone rang. I was walking out the door and thought to myself "Yay!! I don't live here anymore, I don't have to answer it..." My mother hollered that it was for me. My first thought was "tell them I don't live here anymore..." but then I figured it might be someone who doesn't have my new number yet, and I should probably take it...

Part of me wishes I hadn't....

I recognized her voice right away, even though I hadn't heard it in nearly five years... She was the cousin of my ex-fiance and was calling to tell me he'd killed himself last week. Apparently she'd been trying to get ahold of me all week, but no one had been there and we took our answering machine with us...

He shot himself, and the funeral is in another state, where he lived, where he moved to after we broke up...

And the break up was bad... we had not spoken since... I hurt him, I was mean and immature in the break-up and I wish I'd done things differently... but it's too late now...

His entire family blames me, everyone except his cousin, who is a counselor and knows about suicide, knows that more often than not it's a manic depressive impulse thing... And because he shot himself it's not like he could change his mind halfway through....

The worst part... the part that hurts the most was his note... Jenny said that he left a short note, and the note is the reason his family blames me, even though we split up over five years ago....

God... I'm crying again just thinking about it... I know it's not my fault, I know there was probably nothing I could of done... I tried to look him up a couple of times over the years, but he has one of those names that there are literally thousands of people with that name.....

The note said "Tell Gwynne I never stopped loving her. Tell Gwynne I never got over her."

I don't understand... I take that back... I do understand why someone would feel suicidal... I've been there, many years ago.... but I just.... I'm lost right now.... I've never felt so alone in my entire life....

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz:
Aine the fact that he comitted suicide was his choice hun
you did not force him to it
it has been 5 yrs since u guys broke up
grieve for his lost life and ask the god and goddess to help him find peace and move on

[Aine of the Fae]

:hugz:
Aine the fact that he comitted suicide was his choice hun
you did not force him to it
it has been 5 yrs since u guys broke up
grieve for his lost life and ask the god and goddess to help him find peace and move on

That's what my husband says to... I know it's not my fault... but I still feel... I don't know I'm just so hurt right now...

[Scarlettvixen]

thats grief speaking hun
u need to grieve his loss

[djmixon]

:hugz: :hugz:

[Teresa]

:hugz: I am sorry for Your loss and want You to know that You are not to blame! That was a choice that HE made. Some people are weaker than others and just give up on life and do not wish to go thru the struggles ,hills, valleys we all must travel thru at some point.

[Jenne]

Oh Aine, I'm so sorry. :hugz:

[Marishae]

:hugz: Aine... not quite sure what to say sweetie... only that I offer my condolences and lots of healing hugs... It'll be okay... We all love you! =) :hugz:

[MorningDove030202]

I've often wondered what's so bad about rebooting the system so to speak, especialy in the case of mental illness. (you did mention he was bi-polar right?) Hopefuly in his next incarnation he will not suffer so from mental illness. Don't blame yourself it was his decision, if it helps his family to think of you as the "bad guy" so be it. You are not defined by the thoughts of others.

Dove

[Aine of the Fae]

I've often wondered what's so bad about rebooting the system so to speak, especialy in the case of mental illness. (you did mention he was bi-polar right?) Hopefuly in his next incarnation he will not suffer so from mental illness. Don't blame yourself it was his decision, if it helps his family to think of you as the "bad guy" so be it. You are not defined by the thoughts of others.

Dove

I think it's the giving up that makes it so bad. We are put on this Earth for a reason, even if it is just to experience life, and suicide sort of breaks the contract...

I know it's not my fault, and they blame me in their grief. The hardest part for me is how badly I left things with him. The break up was... well I was evil, mean, cruel, just for the sake of being cruel... I've grown a lot and changed a lot since then, and now I can never really apologize to him for it.

[Willow Rosette]

Not to sound rude but I think you are wrong. You can appologise now. I think he is in a better position now to listen than ever before. I had the same issue in my life. I had done something seriously mean and cruel to a person I loved. And over the years I did try to make contact again but it never happened. After he passed away I held my own ritual at the cemetary to say anything and everything i needed to say. I wrote it all on a piece of paper, read it out load, and tied it to a baloon and literally let it go. It didnt stop the pain of loosing him but it helped start the process of forgiving myself. Since he is so far away you could always write it on a piece of paper and burn it. I know that he has forgiven me now even though in life he couldnt. All of lifes issues are no longer intruding and he could really listen to my appologies and see that Even though I made that mistake I learned from it and made myself a better person. I hope this helps. Maybe you can look at someone who has worked through it and see that peace will come. If you want to pm me I can go in to more detail. Above all though grieve for your loss, but celebrate his life. He isnt in any pain anymore and he has found peace.

[SoulHealer]

I agree you can apologise and more importantly you can learn from your mistakes. At the end of the end your own life is the only one you are 100% responsible for. You already say you know you were mean so learn from that and move on in your life as I hope he can now move on in the afterlife

[Boogins]

Gwynne, I can't say anything that hasn't been said already, but I was I could be there to give you a real hug... maybe it would make saying it all again seem more real.

Just the same, :hugz: here too.

[ratlady]

Honey,

As others have said, this was his choice.

At the risk of sounding horrible, the note was very unloving (in my opinion). He left a note, in effect, blaming you.

This was not your fault, no matter how the break-up went. You need to not beat yourself up about this. It was his choice.

I don't mean to be a B about this but it seems to me that he wanted you to blame yourself. Is this what loving is about?

Say a prayer for him and I hope his next life is happier.

Ratlady.

[Boogins]

Good point, ratlady. That note was just filled with guilt-slinging.

[QUEEN OF THE DAMNED]

I am sorry for your loss.

:hugz: :hugz:

Scarlett Vixen is right. It was his choice. I know it must be hard not to blame yourself, but it is not your fault. And dont feel as though you have to prove that it wan't your fault either. It is a case of tragic circumstances, and my heart goes out to you, but dont let others drag you down or make you blame yourself.

:hugz:

[Saphire]

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

I was just given a link to this site and your post was the first I saw and i felt I needed to register so i could respond to you. I also noticed that you started this thread at 11:11. What a good number... I also take that number as a message from the above and that they are with me. He is with you.
I can relate to how you are feeling. I lost my bf 2 years ago to an accidental overdose. At his wake I was told by his family that he wanted me to know that he loved me so much and that he was at the top and happiest point of his life when he was with me. Gosh, those words were nice to hear, but also cut me like a knife through my heart. I was not with him at the time of his death and had started seeing someone else. I was mean and said a lot of things I didn't really mean to him, so I felt so much guilt that I didn't get to tell him that I really did love him and that I didn't mean what I said. His family didn't blame me and I am actually now very close with them. They've become my family.
Don't let his family impose the feeling of guilt on you. It was not your fault hun. There was nothing you could have done, it was his time. I know the pain you feel, but you need not feel that pain or put yourself through it. I know you will have to work through that on your own, and I know you will. He had a choice and that was his choice. It had nothing to do with you. He was not right, he was sick and he is getting all the love and help he needs, now. You can talk to him and tell him how you are feeling and he will listen to you. He know's you are not to blame for his death. And he know's the mean or cruel things you've said to each other are a part of what happens in this life, unfortunately. What he could not see here, he can see now. He will come to you I'm sure most likey in your dreams or through messages from others to help you get through this. Please do not put unneccesary guilt over words spoken in the past. He has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself.
Words are the most powerful tool we have, we forget that sometimes. And that's ok..i don't think there's one person who at one point or another in their life is not guilty of using words against someone. But when someone dies and we know we were cruel or harsh with words it really hits hard. We don't get the chance to apologize or say what we need to face to face. But you can still talk to him and tell him what you need to, I know it's not the same, but in time you will begin to heal.
:hugz:

[GryphonGirl]

Aine, I am so sorry......what happened to your friend was that he gave up. On Everything, and Everyone. He took the easy way out - leaving anyone who cared for him to carry his burdens. That is not a loving thing to do at all. All you have left of him is hurt and guilt. Is that something a loved one should receive? I think not. He is no longer here to receive kindness or apologies for any real or perceived wrongdoings.....
Now you and other friends and family must say goodbye to those pieces of your past, and reclaim the happiness that should have been yours after moving on from the intersected paths you all have walked. ...Gwynne was once loved by ____, and so were some others. Go now, and live. That is your gift to yourself. :hugz:

[~*Ginger*~]

:hugz:

[ruadh]

I don't know you, and it has been a long time since I have been on this site, but as someone who had an ex try to manipulate her, I can tell you that this is not your fault. Your ex had a choice. He could have sought treatment and counseling in order to get on with his life, but he chose to live in the past and hold onto something that was unhealthy for him. The fact that he left such a message behind was a final act to manipulate you. Do what you need to do to free yourself from the guilt, it won't serve any purpose in your life. As far as his family blaming you, they probably feel guilty themselves because this guy had some warning signs they didn't heed and it is easier to blame you.

[siamesegoth2]

:hugz:
im sorry about your loss hun, everyone else has said everything that needs to be said , so i'll just send hugs and energy your way.

[sanity]

Let the sun shine shine on you darling. Let it warm you and hug you. Take comfort in the many rays reaching toward you.

[RubyRose]

Aww. I'm so sorry Aine. :hugz:

[Willow Rosette]

You havent responded to anything any one has said so I hope and pray that you have read the love and energy that is all for you. I hope you find the ability to forgive your self because you deffinately deserve it. You have absolutly no control over someone elses actions. please remember that.

[Aine of the Fae]

You havent responded to anything any one has said so I hope and pray that you have read the love and energy that is all for you. I hope you find the ability to forgive your self because you deffinately deserve it. You have absolutly no control over someone elses actions. please remember that.

I've read them all. I'm still just trying to deal with it. It's been hard this week. Another ex, who was friends with him, called me and was... well to say he was cruel would be putting it mildly. It's actually to the point my husband won't let me answer the phone anymore and we're thinking of having the number, which we just got two weeks ago, changed. His family hates me, they still blame me and are making sure that I know it..... I know it's not my fault, and I thank everyone here for the kind words, it's just been a difficult week for me.

[Jenne]

:hugz:

[eilles]

Aine, so sorry to hear of your pain and the suicide of your ex.

Suicide is never ever, ever somebody else's fault. Blame is a way to direct the energy away from one's own internal confusion and guilt. I experienced this same blame game from all my in-laws when my son committed suicide. Blame is often a manipulation with a covert, but very real, connection to the blamer's behavior/involvement.

My in-laws estranged me from my granddaughter and from all of them. They went crazy and decided they hated me and that I was a terrible mother. Prior to his death, they never had a single negative word to say to me. Not a one of them. It was the most bizarre thing I could imagine. This was almost 3 years ago. It tore me up inside and I took on all this guilt they dumped on me, even though I knew it was absurd. I had so much guilt already, simply from losing my son the way it all happened. My son's death was a huge shock.

The interesting thing about all this guilt is that the story has changed since it happened. There actually was a reason for their blame. Them. It was in actuality a coverup murder, for which my son's girlfriend was aware. She was very young and very scared and did a lot of lying, to me and to the police. I found out much later. These people lived with my son for 2 years; I lived far away and had no idea about all the stuff that was going on in their family. It was easy for them to dump on me, I took the bait so easily.

No matter what happened with your ex, it is NOT your fault even in the slightest. You had painful times with him and unresolved stuff. So? Lots of people do, and they don't kill themselves because of it. That's not a reason to end your life. Those people have no right to judge you. It's interesting, in your case as well as mine, you were not living in the vicinity of your ex when this happened, but the blamers were, correct? How convenient. If there's someone to blame, why not them for not doing something? (of course that's absurd, too)

I know it's hard. They seem sincere, so it seems like you should believe them. Don't. They are confused and hurting and frantic to make sense of it all. You are a blemish in his life that they now want to turn into a giant case of acne. (what an analogy! :) Send them chocolates.

Blessings to you, my dear. :)

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz:

[Ninyve]

I thought I just might pop up with a slightly different message here, that I hope will help. Firstly I just want to say you are NOT responsible for what your ex's suicide, whatever happened between the two of you. His family are clearly blaming you to avoid their own feelings of responsibility for his death.

But to play the devil's advocate for your ex, if he had bipolar as you say, he was clearly not in his right mind when he died. Just because he was thinking about you, doesn't mean it was your fault. Are you to blame because of a chemical imbalance in his brain? Bipolar is a genetic illness, not something that you can give someone because you hurt him, or were in any way mean to him.

Perhaps no-one will ever know if his note was meant to make you feel bad, or just that he was reaching out to you in his last moments. Whatever his reasons, forgive him for what he's done. And please forgive yourself also. Grieve for him, and then let him go with your love.

The whole thing is terribly tragic, but assigning blame helps no-one. Ultimately, no-one is to blame for this, even your ex due to his illness.

If people keep harrassing you about this, do as your husband suggests and have him answer the phone for a while.

Take care,
Ninyve
:hugz:

[Witchzee1]

Sending you hundreds of :hugz: and healing energy.

[CzechWoods]

I think it's the giving up that makes it so bad. We are put on this Earth for a reason, even if it is just to experience life, and suicide sort of breaks the contract...

I know it's not my fault, and they blame me in their grief. The hardest part for me is how badly I left things with him. The break up was... well I was evil, mean, cruel, just for the sake of being cruel... I've grown a lot and changed a lot since then, and now I can never really apologize to him for it.

Aine, I understand your grief, and your feelings of being hurt b/c left behind, yet, I have to disagree on the "we are born for a reason, and that is not to commit suicede"

we dont know actually why someone is born into this world.
what can be right for you can be wrong for others.

sometimes, i agree with the others who said that sometimes a system reboot is the only way out for one soul.
i dont see suicide as giving up, but as letting go.

but my heart goes out to you, because you suffer the loss now

[audi]

_pounce_ hope u stop hurting soon. take care