I'm aching inside. I feel lost. Please help me.

[LittlePerson]

Eros, and Lady Nature please hear my prayer. I feel so hurt inside right now, and lost. I feel as though I set out on a journey and I feel like I have lost my way to where I'm going except I forgot where I'm supposed to go. I see other people on my way enjoying their lives and I think that their lives are perfect. I see them working happily, both spouses working. I see babies being born and houses bought and new cars. And I wonder why, why those people aren't me? Why I'm not them. I have a jealousy so heavy that it is weighing me down. I think this is the perfect path. The perfect life. The one that's meant for me. But it isn't. I am not walking that path, living that life, finding my destination. Why, why do I try so hard, to put myself up on the steepest road, the bumpiest road, one with all the things that could get in the way, just because I see other people there and I keep falling...down...down. But I keep pushing myself back up. Why don't I turn around? Go another way? Or be content to stay where I am for a while till the tide turns, till the weather is good, enjoy the storms of life? I don't understand. I wish so much that I could just let this rigid perfectionist impression of a life I believe I'm supposed to have fade away, let myself just live day to day. Put the dreams and the wishes away, put the voices away, put the pressure away. Put my expectations and the expectations of others away? Why do I want so much to be a mom, to have a home, to have two happy people working away all day? Why can't I be content? Why is there is longing, this empty aching, for something I believe I'll never have, or to go to some place, some path that maybe I'm not meant to go? Why can't I believe I'm not fit to be a mom? Or that it's okay to live a meager life in a small apartment where things are simple? Why is there this grand idea inside of me that I believe should come true? And why do I feel like everything I've done in life is a failure because I have not achieved that which I feel I should have? What is wrong with me? Why can't I let go? I want so much to just live life going where the path goes instead of trying to make it up that steep hill where others have gone? Why do I feel that their paths make them better than me? I know I am me. I'm me and no one else. Every tree is a tree that is different than the others in the midst of a vast forest. Why do feel it's so important for me to try to grow just like the ones around me? I hate myself recently for feeling such envy over things that I don't even know whether they are right for me or not. I don't really need the responsibilty of raising a child though I want to. I am not domestic. I hate to cook and clean except for occasionally baking. I like staying up late, playing computer games, and being able to keep a home that doesn't need baby proofing. I like sleeping late on sundays and staying in all day. Or eating when I want to. And I think of a child, one that could be. And the good things like educating them, and watching them grow and knowing I helped with that. But I also think of how I don't have to take care of anyone right now but me, and my husband. And that alone is hard enough. I don't really want to wake at all hours, to the sounds of screaming, or to bandage bleeding cuts, and wait in doctors offices with a sick child. I don't want to have to leave work to go home and take care of a child who is ill because I feel guilty if I have to even leave if I'm sick. I'd always have to put that child first. It's a big decision. I've always thought I wanted one child, but I'd always add "if that" to the end of my sentence when talking about kids. I don't want to wait till I am so old that I can't run around to play with him or her. But I cannot in any way have one now or soon if there is no way to afford it. I cannot accept charity for something I would choose to do inspite of the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to provide for a child. It's unthinkable to me because I don't want to tax society anymore than it is. It's unethical to me. So I feel horrible about this. Wanting knowing I can't have. Weighing the good with the bad. I feel if I let the dream go, let it sink people will think badly of me. I won't have anyone to pass on my legacy to. I feel if I say, ok no children, ever, in five or ten years will I feel the same? Will regret it? Will I want them then? Will it be too late? Can I put something like this off? It's not like saving money for a rainy day. I have a clock. I have hormones. I'm like the tree in it's prime waiting for autumn. I want to say screw the clock, and the hormones, and I can wait. I can say okay maybe. I don't have to decide when or if. Maybe one day we will have the money, and even if I'm old we can say let's go for it. Live day to day. Why can't I do that? Why is there is rigid perfectionist voice inside me that says, you need a plan. Stick to the plan. I think of the freedom of renting a small place where the utilities are included, no extra bills to think of..water, gas, electric, sewer, garbage, parking, neighborhood security, fire safety, insurance, and on and on. But then I think of the people with their nice homes and the ability to expand in them, not be confined to two rooms. I think of the space for nice furniture and doors that close and the people who come to visit that home. And nobody comes to visit mine. I feel that they must be ashamed of me, and my little apartment. But, I like the freedom of knowing I don't have those extra bills, that my repairs come from a landlord not me, that I don't have to mow the lawn. Why? Why is it so hard for me to just be? Just breathe? Just to say okay someday we may have a bigger place, but if not I'll be content? Why is the dream so much that it seems impossible, that time is running out? Why do I feel as though the timer started long before it even should have? I'm not old but my husband says I act old? Why do I do this to myself? What can I do? What do I need to do to just live day to day, to not let the dreams invade my every waking minute? Why the constant jealousy and agony? I want to be free of it. Please, please help me. I feel so lost, so heavy. I want to be free. Let me be free of my insane expectations from me and from everyone else around me. Help me.
This is my prayer to you from me. As I wish and will it, so let it be. Amen.