SAHMoms, how do you do it and stay sane?

[Hærfest Leah]

My kids drive me nuts. 2yrs and 5 months. I've been a SAHM since I had our 1st child. This is the 1st time I've not worked in my life, I hate it. All the jumping all over, the mess, the crying, the tantrums the up your ass all day. Someone always hanging on you, throwing things, not listening, no sleep, no time away, no clothing that hasn't been spit up on....are you sane? If so how do you do it, what are you on? I don't think I'm cut out,they make me bitchy.

[misschief]

you don't. lol. i started staying home with the kids about a year ago, and it's not always easy. ok... it's hardly ever easy. eventually it gets to a point where you realize it's not such a bad thing, even if it makes you want prozac... lol. if you get a schedule going so that you do certain things at certain times, it's so much easier. something i do occasionally is have my mom come over for a few hours while i go to the store and do errands, or have my dad take them to the park, if you have that available it's a huge help.

[Hærfest Leah]

Ladyleo, lol I have a schedule but half the time its no good. I have no patience and a short temper. Sounds good but we have no family in the state. I'm watching Judging Amy and Amy was asking a SAHM about how it is and the woman said that if her husband didn't come home by 6 every day the kids would probably be dead. LOL

[Zoritsa_Nepenthe]

No advice or anything,except that I can somewhat relate so.... :hugz: And know that it WILL get better.

:crazyman: <~~~~ that's pretty much how I felt yesterday after my 3 year old wouldn't take a nap.

[misschief]

Ladyleo, lol I have a schedule but half the time its no good. I have no patience and a short temper. Sounds good but we have no family in the state. I'm watching Judging Amy and Amy was asking a SAHM about how it is and the woman said that if her husband didn't come home by 6 every day the kids would probably be dead. LOLHA! yeah, when my hubby comes home, sometimes i jet. lol. i have three little boys, from 1 and a half to 6, and a 7 year old boy about half the time.. my husband is gone ALL day, from 6 am to 11 pm on mon and fri, and doesn't get home until 5 every other day... it's not easy. i know what you mean about the tantrums and all that... beliiieeeeve me. lol. there's really nothing to make it all smooth sailing. we have a day that we go to the park for an hour or two if they're being good, that makes nap time way easier to have.... we go to the library to get movies every couple days, i found a dvd called 'i gotta go' about potty training that the baby LOVES, and will actually sit down and watch... i use that when i have to do things like clean or escape to the porch for a minute. sometimes with the little ones, getting them to help you do things like picking up dirty laundry or helping push the vacuum around and things like that that you have to do no matter what really helps more than you would think. the more things you do, the more they adjust and (generally) slow up on tantrums. like... my baby hates it when we get back home from being out and about, and there's ALWAYS a huge tantrum. so when we do things like go to the library on a regular basis, he starts to realize he'll get to go again, and the tantrums get shorter and shorter. he's stopped banging his head on the floor.. so i think it's improving... LOL. it really takes a while to get things going, but it probably won't ever be perfect. when i first started staying home i had to be on antidepressants.. no joke. it was too much, and it really did help me realize things weren't as bad as i thought.

i think the key is to go on with the regular routine no matter what they do, and after a few days they tend to figure out that it's more fun to help out than it is to fight you. also... paying attention during tantrums tends to make them multiply. when my kids have fits, as long as they aren't hurting themselves or each other, i ignore them. they stop alot faster when they aren't getting attention for it. it's really stressful getting the ball rolling to even out the days, and it causes a week or so of sheer hell... but it's worth it.

[Brónach Druid]

I tried to keep my two on the same nap schedule for a least one nap a day to get a small break, although with a 5 month old and a 2 year old that may be tricky for you. If you have transportation, I would look around to see what programs are offered in your community. Very often you can find things to get yourself out of the house and keep at least the older one entertained for a while without having to spend money. Even if you don't have family available to help out I think it is very important to find some time that is just for you. Maybe a neighbor or friend with children that you can arrange swapping time with? Or even just a few hours a month where your husband could watch the kids? Staying at home is never easy. I think any SAH mom will confess to at least one time or another feeling as if she has lost her identity as well as her sanity. I can remember the days of crying my eyes out because I just couldn't stand to deal with one more tantrum or because felt I had nothing to talk about with anyone who had not watched sesame street that day, but it does get easier as they get older. Take a deep breath, try to not let the little things get to you. Best of luck!

[misschief]

oh yeah, there have been a few mornings when i practically hang off my husbands pants leg begging him to not go... LMAO. i've managed to get ALL my kids on the same nap schedule, when it's bed time it's bedtime, no questions asked. definately not easy, but.. somebody has to do it *shrug*.

[Sommerfugl]

I understand and can see that it's hard work but this has practically been the women's job since time began. So I think you made the right decision and I'm sure it will benefit your kids more in the long run.

[Brónach Druid]

oh yeah, there have been a few mornings when i practically hang off my husbands pants leg begging him to not go... LMAO. i've managed to get ALL my kids on the same nap schedule, when it's bed time it's bedtime, no questions asked. definately not easy, but.. somebody has to do it *shrug*.
Yes, I agree with that. My kids always have had a set bedtime and have to sleep in their own beds, never ours. I think that definitely helps too!

[Hærfest Leah]

Yes, I agree with that. My kids always have had a set bedtime and have to sleep in their own beds, never ours. I think that definitely helps too!

Same here, we've never co slept longer than their 1st week or 2.

[Jenne]

Being a SAHM is one of those thankless jobs with intrinsic value. You don't get paid for it, don't get awards for "best laundry pile job ever," no raises, no company recognition, and no gold pen after 20 years of service.

Nonetheless...there's just something about being there for every moment you can. Knowing your child and seeing them develop through every stage. I'm very proud of myself that I stuck it out for the past 8 years or so (with a bit of an exception that 2d year so I could finish my MA). One thing I learned, though, is that the fulfillment from within is key to surviving these years with your kids. Especially the little ones who don't talk...they can't yet say "I love you Mommy," or "Thank you Mommy". So you have to be really good at pampering yourself, and finding moments to take care of you.

It's sort of sad how difficult a job taking care of house and home has become. We are expected to do it with such perfection, and with little or no help to boot. I had to learn to say "Eff That!" and ask for help, and steal time for myself. I unfortunately had a husband who believed the lie that I was supposed to be chained to my house, so while I was training myself, I had to train him too.

But it's paid off. It really has. My kids are 7 and 4, and so well-adjusted...so healthy. And I know them. They're great guys. I'm happy that I didn't give in and go back to work fulltime...I wanted to, and I still may. But it's so awesome to know what my kids are like at this age, and be so much a part of them and their upbringing.

[vulfsung]

My kids drive me nuts. 2yrs and 5 months. I've been a SAHM since I had our 1st child. This is the 1st time I've not worked in my life, I hate it. All the jumping all over, the mess, the crying, the tantrums the up your ass all day. Someone always hanging on you, throwing things, not listening, no sleep, no time away, no clothing that hasn't been spit up on....are you sane? If so how do you do it, what are you on? I don't think I'm cut out,they make me bitchy.

It's a Mom thing, you adapt and do the best you can LOL!

Sounds like you are still dealing with PPD, so you might want to consider finding some one who can help with that....

Perhaps investigate some mommy and me groups, where you could take the kids for a few hours a week. Some groups you can trade volunteer time for free time away from your kids...or find a daycare where you can leave them for a couple days a week.

One thing we've done is made friends with other parents with kids in the same age range as my daughter and we do a co-op babysit group. We rotate who gets what day off in a week, and the other watch the whole herd, but we do fun things like going to the zoo, the museum, or swimming. Sometimes a few of us will just go out for coffee at somewhere like McDonald's where the kids can play, while we have time to just talk...

One thing I'd like to add is working while parenting makes thing more difficult, in my opinion. I run a business out of my home, while being a sahm, and let me tell you, there are days I could run screaming from my house and never come back, because my contracts and deadlines do not make allowances for the 24/7 parenting job...being a working mom is not all it's cracked up to be....

[Ceres]

I have been a stay at home mum for almost 12 years now. There are days i feel just like you do, Seapearls. The days my husband comes home, takes one look at me and says " this is a f*** off day isnt it." And he knows I just need to be alone for a while.
We co-slept with all three children in terms of years and I found it helped me get more sleep and helped me feel closer to them, even after we had a bad day, so I dont think having them sleep in their own bed neccessarily makes a difference.
Having a supportive husband was helpful. He trusted me to do as much as I could as far as keeping the house running smoothly and he picked up the slack. Mostly this meant overlooking the mess ;) as he didnt care as much about it as me.
Getting out was helpful too. I would have gone insane if I had just stayed home, but we walked everywhere and I found friends who were also staying home so I wasnt lonely for adult company.
Reading positive books about raising kids was (and still is) very helpful in keeping my patience about me. You can tell when the author really likes kids by the tone they use - dont bother with anyone who says kids are all bad and need to be made good - it will just make you lose patience even quicker (dont ask how I learned this) If you realize the behavior is quite normal and healthy and learn ways to actually enjoy these stages, it much easier to roll with the punches when they decide to feed the cat the t bone you were marinating for supper or they hear you plan to paint the hall and so get their poster paint out and beat you to it. It helps too, if you try laughing about these things before you yell.
These years, though difficult, are your bonding years where you create the relationship you will have through childhood and into adolescence and adulthood. Every experience you have together builds your future relationship. They will remember the most mundane things as enoyable because you were there and spent it with them.
It also helps to keep two things in mind:1) you had kids because you wanted to expereince the joy of raising them and 2) they will someday choose your nursing home.
If you want a good author who isnt saccrine sweet and sappy, try Barbara Colorosa "Kids Are Worth It"

[Amethyst Rose]

I also second the idea of a schedule...though I probably can't help you, cuz I only have one. :) Quint has a very structured schedule, wake between 8:30 and 9:00, eat, play, walk at noon, lunch at 1, nap from 1:30 to 4 or later if he sleeps later, but, if he wakes up early he has to stay in bed until 4. Snack after nap, play, dinner between 6:30 and 7:00, bed at 9.

There are days, like last week, where the entire day seems like one long tantrum. I take his nap time to unwind, relax and do what I want to do...sometimes that's just not enough though, and my husband will look after him for the rest of the night, after he gets home. He understands that I need my alone time.

My moms and tots group is also really really helpful. Once a week I get to go and be with other parents, and have a childcare worker look after my son for 2 hours while I just do relax and do something fun. It's a treat to be able to do that.

It's just worth it.... it's worth the tough days. When he walks up to me and gives me a kiss and a big hug....it's so totally worth it. I wouldn't give it up for anything. There are days that I miss working, but it wasn't nearly as rewarding as raising my son is.

[AnuCailleach]

Maybe I'm odd but I Love being home w/my boys (almost 5 & 7) and we homeschool so I'm w/them 24/7. I think what makes it enjoyable for me is that I'm strict about behavior, keep a schedule (actually more of a daily routine than a timed one), insist on a 2 hr. quiet time daily & have reg. bedtimes.

I seriously disliked working out of the home & don't plan on going back to it. I much prefer being my own boss, setting my own schedule :) To me those are big perks of being a sahm. I do work for money from home too but keep it down to just a couple clients via phone per week.

On the bad days when the darlings are real pains I remind myself that this is just a short time in life and I'll never be able to replace this time I have with them.

[Faery-Wings]

:rollingla sane?? We're supposed to be SANE!?

I have been a SAHM for almost 9 years. And man, there have been some ups and downs, and all arounds.
Now that the weather is (hopefully) getting nicer, it will be easier to get them outside. Look for parks, walking areas, feed the ducks, etc. Go places where they can be loud and run and you don't have to worry about it.
A schedule is great. There are probably several free or inexpensive programs in your arae. We have a Mommy and Me playgroup, story time at the library, music groups for kids etc. You need to get out and talk to adults even if it is only to compare spit up stains. Being a SAHM can make you feel so isolated.

[LacyRoze]

I've been a SAHM for over 15yrs and no, it's not always easy but it does get better. We too were in the military so I know what it's like to have no family around to help. I found that having a network of other SAHM's really helps. We'd trade off taking the kids to the park so each mom could have a little "down" time. Luckily I have a hubby who is willing to take over when he gets home from work and sees it's been a rough day. He'll either take the kids to the park or even just take them outside so I can have "me" time, even if it's just 15 mins. I have a 15yr old, a 5yr old and a 3 yr old. Now that the girls are able to do some things by themselves things go a little more smoothly. When lunch time rolls around, they get out what they want for lunch and place it on the counter for me. They get their plates, bowls and cups out and we make a game of them setting the table. They've learned that if they come to me crying or screaming, I will not respond to them until they can speak to me in a calm manner. If they pull the "I want" routine, it is ignored until I am asked in the proper manner. It does get easier as they get older, you just have to set rules and boundaries in place and sometimes stop and try to see things from their level.

[Aleigh]

I've been a SAHM for almost 5 years now. I've got to say, honestly, the first 4 years sucked royally. My kids are 23 months apart, so for the longest time I always had a baby hanging off me, it seemed. I felt just like you...that I was not cut out for this. But this last year it has gotten a lot better. I'm now seriously thinking I don't want to go back to work when both kids are in school. Once my youngest got to a point where he wasn't clinging on me 24/7, it was a huge relief. They play together all the time now, and usually tell me to "go away" so I have a lot more time to do whatever I want (even if it's just cleaning something, at least they let me do it!) :lol:

All that being said, I've been on Effexor for the last year, too, so that may be why it seems better. :whatgives

:hugz: I feel for you, I really do.

[skyy_blue8278]

I can relate I am a SAHM to 4.
6, 4 1/2, 3, and 1.
The oldest two age and Kami are 20 months apart.
Kami and Rayn are 17 months apart and Rayn and Koen are 24 months apart.

I don't mind though. I love it. We have routine and everything usually goes pretty smoothly during the day. After school my oldest does homework while I read and and teach a little to my 41/2 and 3 year old.

We do alot of reading. That keeps them calm. We play outside alot too. The change relaxes them and me. LOL!

Nap time for the two little ones is from 1-3 so I get some mommy time there. Then the oldest two come home from school about 30 mins after the little ones wake.

I would love to have two more children but that will not happen. I had my tubes tied.

I am considering homeschooling next school year. We have already started some schooling at home and haev noticed the difference already.

[Ravyn Sylverwyng]

If we were suppose to stay sane while we were doing this, then I am in some serious trouble. My children, ages 8, 6, and 3 are always telling me that I am crazy. And, I think that you have to be in a way to do this job. I have to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of three kids all in the day. Now, when I say clean, I'm not talking picked up, I'm talking sparkling, nothing out of it's place clean. To do otherwise is to start a fight. And, with three busy sets of hands dragging out what I pick up, it is a never ending job. My best advise is to let it go for a few hours. Pick up a book, find a hobby, or something. I know that when I finally get to the point that I don't think that I can do it any longer, I grab a magizine and some scissors with some paper and let them make pictures. Some colors, some markers, or I even have them help me when I am doing some crafts. It is a simple way to get them to focus on something other than destruction. Granted, I may have another mess to clean, but at least it is confined to a smaller area, which means that it will be easier to clean up in the end of it all.

There is going to be a break in the day for you when your infant, the 5 month old is down for a nap. If you can't get the older child to go down for a nap, then find a quiet activity that he will enjoy. With my three year old, I sit at the table and draw with him. I'm even trying to get him to write his name. I'm not having much luck with it right now, but they say that perservence is the key. I certainly hope so.

The biggest key to actually surviving motherhood when you are always here, is fiding something to do that will keep them busy as well as give you the much needed break that you deserve. If you have a friend that will come in and take care of the kids while you take a bath then do it. If you don't, then have you hubby take care of them after he gets home from work and take a long bath. Take a book with you and just relax for a while. Find something that you can do just for you. That is the biggest key at this thankless job.

[Shanti]

I enjoy being a SAHM. The main thing for me is the knowing....
Knowing the kids are temporary. They will grow and have families of their own someday and they wont need me like they do now.
When I look at life over all, the amount of time I give to my kids, in years, is a small portion of my entire life. I am happy to give them these few years of mine.

Knowing that someday they will say, "I can do it myself", and really mean it, makes today easier to cope with.

I am done having kids. The last young ones are 6 and 4. They will never be infants again. Never lay in my arms and coo to me again. They will never take that first step again. And in a few months they will be 7 and 5...never 6 and 4 again!!!

Someday, the fighting they are doing right now will be only a memory. (Goes to stop their squabbling)
Everything I experience with my kids today, will be only a memory in the future. So even the bad moments are a treasure.

Children are temporary....with that knowledge, I cope rather well.

[misschief]

that's true shanti. knowing that in a few short years we'll all be wishing to have all the hard stuff again makes it easier to appreciate.

[Greybird]

I've found the secret is in forcing myself to take a breather when I need it. I'm as SAHD (no, that isn't a typo) for two boys, a 1 and a 3 year old. The 3 year old is mildly autistic, making it quite the challenge. I know I'd end up leaping out the window most days if I didn't take a little time now and then to catch my breath. One of them going to school makes this a lot easier - your job is halved for a couple of hours.

When they're both at home, I've learned to take advantage of opportunities. The younger one takes a 1-hour nap early in the day. If I'm feeling worn, I let the older one get out some of his special toys - a few that he really likes, but which his younger brother would destroy - for just that hour. Since he doesn't have them all the time, he gets really absorbed in them for thirty minutes or so - instant break. Just that half-hour to an hour lets me catch up with myself enough to be ready for a few more hours.

[Maggie]

My kids drive me nuts. 2yrs and 5 months. I've been a SAHM since I had our 1st child. This is the 1st time I've not worked in my life, I hate it. All the jumping all over, the mess, the crying, the tantrums the up your ass all day. Someone always hanging on you, throwing things, not listening, no sleep, no time away, no clothing that hasn't been spit up on....are you sane? If so how do you do it, what are you on? I don't think I'm cut out,they make me bitchy.

Heh. My children are 23 and 27--but I still remember those days. Lots of good advice in this thread.

The real biggies are a supportive husband and time for yourself. The kids AND I got along much better once he became an ex. The time for yourself is really, really important. I had mine in a local church's 'Mother's Day Out' one day a week, and then preschool four mornings a week. Some of these programs require the parent (there were a couple of fathers) to act as aides every once in awhile, keeps the cost down. I used the free time to either go out or just sit at home and work on a project. It also let my children interact and play with other children, which was really important since we lived in an apartment bulding and then on a street where there were either no or very few children.

And look to the future. Make sure you keep whatever workplace skills you have current, or as current as possible. Once they start school you might consider working part time, to make sure you still have an entry into the workforce. I didn't (believed ex's BS at the time) and was hard for me to get back after 15 years. And they will grow up and leave, way before you are retirement age!

And don't feel guilty. You are an adult, not a child. Constant company of children, particularly infants, should drive you crazy every once in awhile or I'd wonder about you. Recognize it, take steps--and enjoy the babies!

Maggie

[Hærfest Leah]

Thanks everyone for all the replies.