When do I take down the walls?

[Psypress]

Does anyone else have anxiety about revealing their "eccentricities" to new friends?

I have met a very nice person recently and as I get to know her better I want to open up about myself and reveal the "true me" to her, as most friends do. But she is one of the very run-of-the-mill traditional Christian folk, and I just feel like I shouldn't say anything at all about my true self, because I enjoy her frienship thus far and wouldn't want things to go sour if she were uncomfortable after learning about me. She only knows the surface me, and I can seem rather ordinary. I am not the outlandish sort in appearance or personality.

I feel nervous to tell her about my beliefs and about the things that make me... well... me.
I assume that since I'm hesitant to tell her, it's because I know she won't accept the real me and so I would lose her friendship.

So the questions are:
Is it worth the time and energy to continue a friendship that may not be true, and do we take a chance and reveal ourselves to those acquaintences? Or do we just stay in the broom closet and look for friends that we KNOW will love us either way?

Any opinions?

[Dio]

I think if you want a real relationship with someone that you should be upfront with them.

It is never a good idea to begin relationships or friendships under false pretenses. If your friend doesn't like you for who you are, she really isn't a good candidate for friendship.

[Xentor]

If I do not want to become friends, I will not take down my walls. I only take down my walls if I want to be friends with someone. Over time, gradually, I show them more and more, as I see more and more of them.

[Sleet]

Only a handful of people know about my spirituality. It's not a matter of me being afraid, it's a matter of it being so personal to me that I just don't talk about it to anyone but my immediate family and one or two of my closest friends. It just never comes up.

Oh, and a bunch of strangers on the Internet. Of course.

[Psypress]

Well, I suppose that it's true that the subject of spirituality doesn't often come up. But as we have shared even political views, we are beginning to clash.
And if I can't have a beer and kick back with a friend and start Bush-bashing without it turning into an argument, then I'm not being totally myself.
I think she's a dear, but I'm starting to realize that I can't see us becoming longtime friends. Maybe it is best for me to keep certain aspects of myself kept safe from any potential judgement, and just remain good acquaintences with her.

[Mistress_Ravenshadow]

a friendship like any relationship needs to have trust, if theres no/little trust there then it cant exist as a true friendship/relationship.... just be yourself.. dont go out of your way to draw attention to your beliefs/way of life but dont go out of your way to hide them either.. if you truely believe in something why should you have to hide it.. if someone is not willing to accept you for who you are then they arent worth having as a friend... they dont have to agree with everything you do, say or believe but they shouldnt put you down for it either.. if everyone thought the same way life would be boring

[zilith]

I don't hide my sprituality from any one. I have a bunch of devout christian frfiends and we get along fine.

My suggestion is that you shouldn't worry yourself. Your friend will not care what religion you are. Friendship isn't confined to those with similar beleifs.

[argento_occhi]

Of all the people who i could count as friends, I'd say only a small handful *counts in my head* -- about 5 -- know that I'm Pagan. And of those 5, only two i would consider close enough to discuss my faith with, one of them being a devout Christian. Granted, a few I've lost touch with or don't speak to very often. Hence, my circle of friends is kinda small, which is the way i like it. I don't feel the need to know 500 people. Knowing a few that are close to my heart is enough. And those few are the ones I'm completely honest with. I've spent hours talking ith my Christian friend abut my faith. I actually quite enjoy it. I've known her since I was little, so there's not a lot we don't tell each other. I think she struggles with my faith, but she doesn't try and convert me at every opportunity. Which is nice. My other best friend calls herself Christian, but I've come to see from a discussion we had one night that she and I share a few more beliefs than that. We haven't really discussed religion all that much mainly because I couldn't work out how she'd react to them. She'd moved to a different school by the time I'd discovered paganism. What clued me into realising she'd be cool with it was at a sleepover at another friends house when she'd said that she was interested in paganism and she did want to talk about it. We didn't get a chance to tlak about it then, but we did a few months ago. And I suppose the point of this is that I'm quite willing to be open to people about my faith if I know they're not going to bite my head off or try to convert me, and I'm getting good at judging who those people are. I don't usually instigate discussion unless the mood's right. And there are certain times and places where it's not appropriate to bring it up. Like my uberconservative, sadly senile grandparents and most of Dad's family. You learn when it's ok to discuss it and when it's not. My paren't are pretty liberal Christians, and my mum's an ageing feminist hippie, which does help a lot as they're more understanding of my choices than I would've anticipated. But, i'm rambling here and telling my whole life story so this is kinda getting off-topic.

Argent

[Penthesilea]

Well, I suppose that it's true that the subject of spirituality doesn't often come up. But as we have shared even political views, we are beginning to clash.
And if I can't have a beer and kick back with a friend and start Bush-bashing without it turning into an argument, then I'm not being totally myself.
I think she's a dear, but I'm starting to realize that I can't see us becoming longtime friends. Maybe it is best for me to keep certain aspects of myself kept safe from any potential judgement, and just remain good acquaintences with her. Hon, if your gut is telling you to keep some stuff private, go with the gut. It won't steer you wrong.

[-Ember]

Does anyone else have anxiety about revealing their "eccentricities" to new friends?

I still have problems with old ones, let alone new ones.... not out of worry of non-acceptance, mind you, as much as pure, unadulterated habit. The one thing I would caution is be aware of what the relationship you establish is. It is much harder to then open up later when everybody has gotten settled into expectations and roles and such.

[wiccanadri]

wow! :floating: what a good question!! and with great answers!! every single one them .. i felt like i wanted to quote everyone :thumbsup: ...
well, i've been in your shoes and what i've done is simple.. go with the flow. if it comes up then talk about it, otherwise why worry?... when that time comes you will know if you can open that door ..
is she the very religious type? cus there are many "Christians with an open mind".
see how you feel and if you're comfortable enuf try hinting, and see what's her reaction.. hehe :).. its probably the oldest trick in the book :hehehehe: hehe .... look, in reality all i'm trying to say is that your heart will tell you when is the right time to let someone in on such a special part of you and your relaitonship with Spirit.
good luck to u my friend! :wave:

[merlo]

When ever I meet someone new, and it looks like we might have an interesting conversation, I always mention that I'm a Pagan, as my spiritual beliefs combine with my life philosophies also. That way I don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Some people this doesn't work well with, but screw 'em if they're closed minded, didn't want to talk to 'em anyway.

[ap Dafydd]

I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it either. If every other word your friend uses is "Jesus", then you pretty much know what to expect (unless it's an expletive, of course!)

Otherwise just wait until something relevant comes up in conversation and let the fact that you're Pagan come across without stressing it.

It's not really relevant to most people, they're not fussed either way. If they are, well, you know where you stand.

gwyn eich byd

Ffred

[fay]

Well it depends on how far you want the friendship to go, if you are happy just being aquainted with this girl then there is no real need for her to know all about your religion, unless of course you want her to. I have quite a few 'friends' that I don't really know that well, but will talk to. These people are passing aquaintances in my life and I feel that on a need to know basis about my religion, they don't need to know :)
However, if you do want to become good friends with this person, but are worried about how she will react, then I would suggest dropping little hints into your conversation. If she doesn't make a fuss then you can carry on doing so until you are basically, almost unintentionally, out of the broom closet (done this myself, its quite a good one, one of my friends didn't realise that she knew I was Wiccan for a while, it made for some fun :nyah: )
godd luck whatever you do.
blessed be

[Rev R]

a thousand casual aquaintances are not equal to one true friend.

usually bringing up one's faith in conversation is a good test of that person's character. from personal experience the response to the statement "i practice Zen," tells me a lot about a person. A person who says "oh," and then changes the subject, i genereally won't deal with that much. Someone who gets curious and says something to the effect of "what's that all about?" usually ends up starting a much deeper conversation which leads to a stronger bond(or me eating their soul mwaahahahahahaha[hey get out of my post] oh, sorry). Anyway, use your own judgement to tell you who you want to share that deeper aspect of your life with. Sometimes you will make a mistake in judgement, but oh well such is life.

[Toriach]

Well, I suppose that it's true that the subject of spirituality doesn't often come up. But as we have shared even political views, we are beginning to clash.
And if I can't have a beer and kick back with a friend and start Bush-bashing without it turning into an argument, then I'm not being totally myself.
I think she's a dear, but I'm starting to realize that I can't see us becoming longtime friends. Maybe it is best for me to keep certain aspects of myself kept safe from any potential judgement, and just remain good acquaintences with her.
*clapping My hands in joy* I love it. In this day and age when someone actually demonstrates that they understand the difference between a friend and an aquaintance. So often people use the f word to describe someone who they really only know casually. To make matters even worse they really believe that such a person is a deep and lasting friend and then get horribly upset when the person pursues their own interest instead of the persons that thought them a friend.

For Myself I do My best to make certain I never confuse the two. And if someone who is merely an acquaintance begins to make more of our relationship than it really is I do My best to gently put them back in their place, either by putting some distance between us until they cool off, or sometimes if they are really pushy by gently disabusing them of their notions.

Personally I hope that you and this person enjoy a long and healthy acquaintanceship.

P
A
L
L

Toriach

[9-2-2]

If someone wants to be my friend, I will tell them what I am: an occultist with a f'ed up history, and unpopular philosophy on life. It makes the retards run, and the ones with any scrap of worth in their brain hang around. I need more scraps of worth in my scrapless brain, *gnaw* *gnaw* Braaaaains...