ever been scared of love?

[Lanna]

hmm i haven't posted here for a while but have often read good advice from you all and am kinda in need of that now.

I'm so in love with somebody and although its goind well, im really defensive and often shut off to him and wish him out of my life just because im scared.

I'm scared he's going to hurt me, im terrified im making a fool out of myself and i often question wether i can deal with it all. You see up until now i've always been able to hide my emotions from people, my family, my freinds, they've enver known how much i've been hurting or how happy i've been, hiding these emotions has always helped me stay in control and kept me feeling strong.

But this guy, he knows me too well, i feel weak around him and it totally scares me. I feel as though im not in control of anything. Im petrified of pushing him away and losing him but something inside me is screaming out to run away and fast.

Im so happy i've found him but so sad i want him gone. Im not sure how to deal with this right now or what to tell him. Anyone have any ideas/advice/comments??? I could really do with the help on this.

thanks

[soilsigh aingeal]

I'm the exact same way! The only piece of advice I can give you is to try and relax and let things come one at a time. Allow yourself to get comfortable. :hugz:

[Lanna]

thank you! Im trying to relax so hard, he knows exactly how i am but if i talk to him about it, it helps me but hurts him. argh

[ravenmyst]

know what you mean, been ripped apart before, so letting another in is terrifying. But worth it I hope, for the right person

[halfwaynowhere]

i almost know what you mean, i am so in love with a certain guy, i can so see us getting married and having kids and stuff in the future, it just seems so perfect, but he's just a friend and i'm not pursuing a relationship because although he's all i want in a guy, i'm terrified to be in a relationship with him. anyways, i hope your situation gets better, and things work out for the best. hang in there.

[Silver_FireStar]

let him know. Like you I tend to push guys away. I can't stand being vaulnerable. But my man knew this when he asked me out. If your guy doesn't know, he needs to, this way he'll understand when you push him away and he won't leave. It will take a while, but if he's the one, eventually you'll begin to trust him with you. You'll be able to be vaulnerable and know that it's ok, because he won't hurt you. It takes time, but if he's the right one it'll work out.

[-Ember]

Scared enough to not even get as far as you are... problems even with the idea of friends.

It took me a long time to start to come to terms with the fact that I was holding people away. But if you don't let yourself be vulnerable (and accept that you will get hurt, one way or annother if you do... it is guaranteed you will) you just won't be loved... not because others won't love you as much as because you won't let youself have it.

All I can say is hang in there and good luck. Oh, and if you find any good tips, let me know....

[PoisonIvy]

I was so afraid of getting hurt that I hardened my heart and put up walls to keep everyone out. Then I started hanging out with a guy that I went to school with. I was just "one of the guys". Then one day he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and I said "That's cool but I ain't no salad eatin' water drinkin' kinda girl! If you take me out I'm gonna get me a big dead charred piece of animal flesh!" I also told him "If ya don't like me know...you definately won't like me later!" Then a couple years later we got married and we've been together for 10 years now,so I guess he still likes me.

You just have to remember this....if a man leaves you then you didn't have him in the first place! Make him fear loosing you for a change. Sometimes I almost think that you do kinda have to harden your heart to make people proove that what they want is genuine. I don't mean to be hateful to anyone,just try to let things play out and keep in mind that if the person does leave that there will be another person out there to have fun with. Be a "playa" for a little while and give your emotions a break!

[Xentor]

Love is a risk: the risk of hurting and being hurt. You make yourself vulnerable to the other. You hope for a good outcome, but it might get bad. However, if you don't take that risk, you will be certain that it will never ever be good.

[Morr]

Oh hell yes.

I completely COMPLETELEY understand where youre coming from.

But like some have said here - You gotta take that risk, despite the past and the pain. Because if you dont, that chance of true happiness and of love - Will never have the potential of manifesting in your life.

*hugs*

[Pagan Taoist]

In the words of Garth Brooks, "Life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire" ... It's okay to be afraid of things (Love, height, etc) but it's not okay to let those fears consume you or turn you into an irrational monster. Be afriad, be proud of your fears, and then face them and walk through them. You'll be just fine no matter what, one thing I've learned is no matter how bad it seems today ... tommorow will still come.

[FlyingBear]

( Not aimed at anyone. Just ramblings in my head )


Love comes often quietly into the garden of your soul. It stands at the gateway, looking in with a longing face. Most of the time we don't recognize it cause we're too busy being in a hurry and looking for what we " expect" love to look like. Its signals are subtle at first; like mist dissolving into the sunlight, seawater into salt. Sometime it erupts wildly in your body until you think you'll be covered in blisters, and isn't that a lovely pain my friend? It gallops in your blood with a roar that leaves your bones in smoky ruins. Wild horses that race the moon in the middle of the night, love leaves the earth roughshod and you panting and bug eyed for more.

O course there's risk. Life is worth the risk. You can either invite love into the garden of your soul or leave it standing. But each time the tide turns, every time you grow know that the love waiting there takes on a different hue. A flavour that temps, a touch that makes you mad. It's never the same twice, thankfully. Being a mercurial sort, love can stretch the vastness of time, laughing. Sometimes it seems fickle, or brittle but maybe that's from fear that we have of it. Are you afraid of love? Are you avoiding love? Isn't time to take a breath and turn around? What's worse? What you see, or what you built up in your own head? Tell the ego to take a vacation to Haiti, love is moving in with roses and rage. Love is the power that says," Yes!"

We want it, don't we? Most folks want that dazzling vintage in our lives. Like magic, it can take on the mood of the caster and then we find ourselves wondering what the heck happened. Love is the mirror in the center of that dark shadow that reflects back to you the lessons you need to face. To take that next step, whatever it may be, you need to take the deep breath that rattles you to the core and step into the unknown. Sometimes savage, sometimes soft but it never leaves you unchanged.

Ah, the jump into bliss. Into the awaiting darkness! Do it! Do it now! How will you know what there is until you open the gate? Make that move. Write that letter or dial that number. Sure, vunerability looms like a pillar of salt threating to poison your wonderful garden but only if you believe it will. Bitter and sweet at the same time. But you will never know until you open the gate. If we really only live once, live it well. Bruises become lessons, lessons become a graceful pivot where you can look and say " Here is where it clicked....became better....here I took that chance...."

It's a gift, a blessing, perhaps one of the hardest things to obtain and keep alive. It starts with the face you see every day, the skin that you walk around in. Hullo, you! When was the last time you hugged yourself and said with all sincerity, " I love you!" To bring it into your heart, you need to have that heart alive within you. Terrifying? Of course it is! So many of us grow up bent, believing that love comes only from the outside. A balm that someone else brings to the table of the wounded. But as said in so many cultures, in so many ways, you have to seek it within to discover it without. Otherwise it's only a crust that eventually flakes away, leaving behind the same lessons we tried to ignore and hide from in the first place. No one will fill those holes but you. Strut your stuff and get to work! Roll up your sleeves and get to dancing, friend!

When someone truly loves you, you know it because it's an exsistance without boundaries. Finally here is someone, and there will usually be more than one, who can walk in your garden and smile gently at all the supposed shocking weeds and webs you think you have, embrace your self inflected nonsense and kiss your monsters on the nose. You know those stupid games, when you start sabotaging yourself and the relationships you want. Stop it! Because you love and trust yourself, you know that they will always tread lightly here. Love leaves no footprints, but memories that colour your sight. Is it rosy? Is it stormy? What colour is your love, your life?

[Lanna]

You know those stupid games, when you start sabotaging yourself and the relationships you want. Stop it! ok so that sentence in itself was a wake up call, thanks flyingbear.

I know you are all right and that we have to risk pain to gain and reading everyones comments has certainly given me encouragment to be less defensive towards him.

Silver_firestar, you said to let him know and he does, he knows better than anyone how easy it is for me to shut down from people, but surely there comes a point that he wont put up with it anymore, he will finally shut off from me and that is the main reason i dont want to tell him how i am feeling right now.

Im just sick of feeling like this now, i love him so much and he is my bestfriend so why do i want to push him away so much, why do i think im not good enough for him when all he does is tell me how special i am to him. grrrr :geez:

[Pagan Taoist]

We often push people away because of insecurities. You are afraid it won't work, and you'd prefer to have control rather than give control. You may think to yourself that it's easier to suffer the loss now than to lose him later. But, ask yourself this ... if you don't at least try, with open arms and without reservations, how will you feel come tomorrow when you're looking back on it? I've been there, I gave her more than 100% and it didn't work out ... but at least I can say it didn't fail becasue of me! Yes it hurt a lot, and it still hurts occassionally, but I know I'll be okay :). Then one day I'll try again with someone else, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get all I dreamed of.

Think of it this way though ... fear is like an obsticle in the middle of your path and if you're too busy focusing on how to get over it you'll never see the path that leads around it. Flyingbear is absoluately right ... just STOP IT you silly girl and go have fun. If nothing else you might have a few wonderful moments that you can carry to the next relationship.

[BlackMagicalCat]

Hey,can I put my 2 cents in(thats about all its worth)I feel for you,Im 47 and just the other week i sent my son to give a card to a girl I liked,I tried real hard to give it myself,and couldnt,he gave it to her for me,and I never heard from her,ohwell. I thought she liked me,guess I was wrong,she was so pretty and had freckles,and redish hair.Love is always risky,and there are never any guarantees .You must take a chance to find love,there is no promise it will work or turn out the way you hope it will,Or you can be like me,47 and still afraid to aproach someone I like.I hope you find your hearts desires and Im putting lots of devine guidance and porpose and love in the karma im sending you.Blessings to you.

[Bix]

I'm scared of people loving me. Not so much about me getting hurt but about me not being able to return the love they give me.

[Bethra]

Just let go and experiance each love for what it brings. There is no test we can take to learn the right or wrong way to go with this. Just be aware that no matter what you go through you will never be asked to take the same test again so long as you learnt the first time and you will never have to suffer more than you can bare. Each time we love those involved learn something and we grow. Sure its a gamble but its worth it for the wealth our souls experiance in return. You will love and hurt and love again over and over again.

[Mab]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I've found that if I talk to him about it, it does help me, and it helps him to understand that my issues are my own & it's nothing he's done wrong. It might hurt him at first, but as he gets to understand that it's you, not him, he'll be able to understand & maybe be more patient & supportive to you & help you through it.

[CzechWoods]

found this fitting

real love is scary
you try to hide
when it looks for you
you never know
what it will do

not real love

real love
is a long stone bed
he said,
his face a mask of indifference
and it don't care
about you or me

not real love

real love,
on a sunny day
is a crow on a telephone pole
with something to say
and you feel like
someone has just walked on your grave

that's real love

the glory of love,
the glory of love
that precious rain
that falls from above
first a gently murmur
that calls from the heart
and then a great wind
that will blow you apart

that's real love

like a ghost
it will pass through you
a spirit that lives on
when you are through
and there is nothing
that you can do
there is nothing
that you can do

the wind in the trees
the smell of wet leaves
the rumble of a passing truck
a streak of blood

please forgive me
for what i've done to you
and lord forgive me
for what i'm going to do
in the name of ....

real love is scary
you try to hide when it looks for you
you never know what it will do
and it don't care about me or you
and there is nothing that you can do
about real love

anyway, that's what i heard a crow say
but who cares what a crow say anyway
'specially 'bout,
'specially 'bout
something
so strictly personal

can you feel it,
can you feel it
like wind on your face
you can get down on your knees
and pray
but nothing you do or say
will make it go away

it's like thunder,
lightening,
the way you love me

it's frightening
----------------------
NoMeansNo: Real Love

[Bubblegum]

Can i just say that it isnt love if it hurts, IM madly in love and Not 4 one in would i think he would hurt me at all.

[sarabethv]

Yes, I am terrified of love. Everytime I have fallen in love, I have been hurt badly. It has never been returned. If your love is returned then enjoy it. So what if it doesn't last? Hold on tight for as long as it does. I think the pain would be worth the joy that you have now. So, while I am terrified, there is a tiny kernal of hope inside that says "maybe."
You would think by now that would have been squished out of me. Up until now, I have always approached it as if love were a good thing always. I have always given whole heartedly. The last time I fell in love with a friend. I knew it would never be reciprocated because I was neither young enough or pretty enough for him to love me, but I did think we would always be friends. He walked away from our friendship leaving me not only hurt but confused. So, now I am a little hesitant about the whole hearted thing. BUT your young man seems to be a keeper. If he understands and he wants you and loves you then let go and enjoy it. Love him back and push those doubts down. Give it your best shot. If by some chance it does not work, well at least you have tried and you will survive the pain.

[merlo]

Loved and lost here. When it hurts S0Oooo good, you know you're TRUELY alive, ride it for where it takes you..

:abbed: