Rewarding bad behavior

[LadyTrinity]

I just noticed that I did something that might not be a good thing to do. :yikes:
My son grabbed a marker and I asked him to give it to me because I didnt want to see him draw black circles all over the coffee table.. and he gave it to me. I saw the enjoyment in his eyes when he had the marker and I broke his heart taking it from him. So I gave him a skittle and said.. thank you for giving mommy the marker. He is only 19 months but im worried that now he is going to look for trouble just so he can get out of it to get a treat? :doh2:

[Darakash]

These are tough aren't they? i mean, you get caught up in wondering if he will remember that you gave him a treat because he did what you asked, or if he will associate it with doing somthing not so good to begin with....the other one that occurs to me (and I am "guilty" of this too) is using food as a reward at all.....with us being such an overweight society, i get worried about using candy/treats of an edible nature at all.....argh, maybe we just worry too much over things that are no big deal; who knows!

[kblackthorne]

I wouldn't worry about one incident "ruining" your son.

If one time, he obeys Mommy when he doesn't want to, and gets rewarded, that's fine.

If the ONLY time he gets rewarded is when he's being bad, that's when you're likely to run into problems.

Just make sure you give him plenty of love and attention for being good -- orjust being -- and don't worry that your attempt to "soften the blow" this time was bad.

[LadyTrinity]

Well I didnt reward him for being bad per say.. I rewarded him for giving me the object and that was a good thing.. but I worry he thinks by giving mommy the bad thing I will get stuff from mommy.. so lets see if I can find something else bad to grab and I will give it to mommy and then she will give me a treat! :lol:

[kblackthorne]

At 19 mos., he's not going to learn something like that from one incident. Just like the things you try to teach him, it has to be repeated.

You don't expect him to know his colors or numbers after one try. You don't expect him to remember to put his toys away after telling him once. And you won't expect him to remember how to tie his shoes after showing him once.

I get your concern. But one time isn't enough to instill that kind of behavior. Especially since, if he comes happily trotting up to you carrying a knife (or some other forbidden object), you're not going to reward him with Skittles again. You're more likely to simply take it and remind him that knives are a no-no. And the idea (maybe Mommy will reward me...) get disproven and becomes un-fun.

Relax. It's not single incidents like this that "ruin" children. It's establishing patterns. Since you're so worried about it, you're not likely to let it turn into a pattern.

Remember: You're the parent, here. You get to decide what becomes a pattern and what doesn't. You decide which behaviors you reward -- not him. (No matter how hard he may try.)

And I think the lesson (obeying Mommy when he didn't want to -- when it meant losing something he wanted) was actually a good one.

[Rhianna813]

Yeah I agree that one incident probably does not set any permanent expectations or habits. But some ideas for future situations are.....

If he just loves the idea of drawing or using markers you will want to encourage him to draw in the right spot at the right time. Maybe set up a special newspaper covered table and supervise him while he draws. Reinforce that the newspaper is his special canvas and that he can only draw there. Otherwise keep the pens far away to avoid any accidents.

Next keep rewarding him for following your directions. Instead of focusing on what he was about to do that was bad. Turn the focus to how he changed his behaviour to follow your directions. Reward him with hugs, clapping, and words instead of a food treat. Say "Thank you for giving Mommy the pen" so he is clear what the reward was for.

Rhianna