Discussing my faith with my methodist mother in-law...help!

[xarimae]

Okay, I need some help deciding what to do with a situation and since many of you understand where I'm coming from, I thought your advice would be the most helpful.

My mother in-law, although genuinely very nice, is a hardcore methodist. Me, I'm pagan of course. The problem I've been having with her, is that she's trying to convert me to christianity. It really hurts my feelings. For holidays such as christmas and my birthday, she always gives me Christian gifts. And on top of that, she always calls to ask if her son is going to church.

Recently, since my husband and I moved to Norfolk, we started attending a United Universalist church so that we could both do something spiritual together on sundays. Its a way for us both to believe what we believe and still be able to be together on sunday mornings. My husband loves the new church and often times begs me to go when I don't feel like it! Which is suprising since he's from a very conservative religious family.

I personally invited her and his father (a methodist preacher) to go with us to that church when they were visiting one weekend. Then I told her I wasn't a christian and insinuated that I was pagan. I've never told anyone, besides my high school best friend and my husband that before. It was the SCARIEST thing I've ever done in my life. But then 5 minutes later, she started telling my husband that he should play the drums in the methodist church and went to the methodist church that morning. To me, I felt it was a slap in the face and very disrespectful, especially since going to the United Universalist Church was something both Matt and I highly wanted and enjoyed.

A month later, it was Christmas. She got me the Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. I was stunned that she would, after telling her I wasn't christian, still give me christian gifts (the book is filled with christian metaphors). Its been 3 years since I met her and every holiday is a jesus gift. Ack!

I really like her, honestly, and her husband. Especially him since he doesn't talk much! And I would like to have a close relationship with them, especially since my husband and I want a lot of kids.

So....I bought this book. Its called "Pagans and Christians" and it promotes understanding and reconciliation between the beliefs. I thought I would give her a copy to read. It talks about my faith and how it is similar and different from hers. I also bought a copy for myself since I harbor many anti-christian emotions due to mean people. I thought it might help her to learn what I believe and understand that I'm not a bad person for not being christian.

Do you think its a good idea? I'm scared to give it to her since she's intimidating, but she really is a nice person. I feel like if she knew truely what a pagan is and that we're not working for the devil, that she's finally be okay with it and stop trying to convert me. Then maybe we could reach a common ground.

Please help me, I'm scared and a little unsure of what to do. I feel like it could help, but I don't know if its worth doing or if it will backfire.

[Darakash]

A month later, it was Christmas. She got me the Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. I was stunned that she would, after telling her I wasn't christian, still give me christian gifts (the book is filled with christian metaphors). Its been 3 years since I met her and every holiday is a jesus gift. Ack!
Ok, I don't know what other Christian gifts she has given you in the past; however, this may be another way to look at this one. I have read the entire Chronicles of Narnia, so I am not entirely speaking out of my butt about this....is it possible, that being that these, while Christian books, are very liberal in their viewpoints (especialy if you read the 7th book about the End and the reign of Christ on earth etc), that this is a subtle way for her to show she is trying to accept your differences? I mean, it is not as if she gave you The Screwtape Letters (Another Lewis Book of a much more obvious Christian bent) or some other more strictly Christian tome...she chose to give you a book, that while Christian, is very, well, Pagan, in SOME of its imagery and fantasy. Maybe she is trying to find a middle ground as well?

I really like her, honestly, and her husband. Especially him since he doesn't talk much! And I would like to have a close relationship with them, especially since my husband and I want a lot of kids.
Even if you two (all) never find a point of agreement about your religions/faiths, I don't see why that would mean you couldn't be close...of course, that would depend on your interactions, etc. My mother is a born again Christian, has NO idea that I am Pagan, and we and my daughter, husband are very close. We enjoy spending lots of time together doing things other than Church or religious functions--though since she is pretty involved in her church and often performs or takes part in their "pageant" type events (they do a marketplace every year around Christmas and that sort of thing), we attend out of respect for her, and to support her in her involvement, for me, it is not offensive to do so, I simply do not partake in any of the Christian rituals, but I am not going to go blind because I saw one take place....I am not suggesting that you said that you would, but I guess all i am trying to say, is that you can be close without it involving anyone's religion.

So....I bought this book. Its called "Pagans and Christians" and it promotes understanding and reconciliation between the beliefs. I thought I would give her a copy to read....
Do you think its a good idea? I'm scared to give it to her since she's intimidating, but she really is a nice person. I feel like if she knew truely what a pagan is and that we're not working for the devil, that she's finally be okay with it and stop trying to convert me. Then maybe we could reach a common ground.
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This one is obviously based on whether you truly believe it would make a difference, and also, just as a heads-up, many (notice I did not say ALL) Christians who seem to be trying to convert you because they believe you are working with the devil, are actually just following their own doctrines. I mean, well, my mother TRULY believes that Jesus is the Light and the Way, and therefore, she tries to convince my Buddhist brother of this, and my Agnostic brothers, etc. She lays off me, because she knows that I have faith...she just doesn't know in what.

What I am trying to say is that she (my mother) is not acting out of "you are doing evil things" but out of, "I have found the TRUTH and i want to share it with those I love and want them to find what I have found and of course, there is the fear that anyone not "saved" will not "join her in heaven"--All this to say, it is possible that even if your MIL understands that you are not in a pact with the Devil, this will not change her desire to see you become Christian.

I have no idea of how your relationship and interactions work; however, if it were me, I would just endeavor to keep religion out of it all together...you and your hubby (and someday kids) are your own little family now, and your faith choices are your business. So, maybe, if you can find ways to interact that do not involve church that might be a wya to go?

[xarimae]

I understand, I guess its just hard to do. She brings religion into everything! Her and her husband constantly talk of church, even when I'm present, almost purposely. It makes me feel unwanted, even in my own house, when she's there. So I feel like her comments and actions are keeping me from being happy in their family and keeping us from forming a bond that I know we could easily have if she would lay off me. Does that make sense? Did your mother always leave you alone for having faith, even if it wasn't in jesus? Or did you have to say something to her about respecting your beliefs?

[Darakash]

Did your mother always leave you alone for having faith, even if it wasn't in jesus? Or did you have to say something to her about respecting your beliefs?

Hmm, well, i have to say, she drove us ALLL alittle batty there for a while! LOL...I mean, well, I have 5 brothers, all of us are adults, and for about 7 years, every Christmas/other Christian Holiday, we received these little booklets and other 'publicity" for Christ....she has openly TOLD my brother who is Buddhist that she "wished he could find Her God" because she feared for him, and wanted him to find the "truth".....

with me, I used to be Christian, (though I never went to church) so, when it became obvious that I was growing in Faith, she just assumed it was in Jesus, and I have said nothing either way about specifics, but she knows that I see things A LOT less strictly than she and others of the Christian faith...for instance, she knows that I think that all paths lead to "where they are supposed to" and that if Jesus/Jehovah DO exist, then I don't believe that they would send a good person to hell for believing in something else, and that kind of thing. But I guess, my example is not very fair, because as I said, I think she assumes I am Christian. If she were to suddenly begin trying to convert me, I probably would have that conversation with her...the "Ok, I believe differently than you, let us just leave it at that...." kind of conversation.

I figured that what you metioned about your in-laws and "bringing religion into everything" might be the case, I thought of that while i was typing, kind of, well, if these are the type of folks who "live their religion" in an extreme fashion, it ain't gonna work!

Can I ask how your husband handles the situation with her/them? I mean, does he kinda give in and go to their church when she asserts that he should and that kind of thing? Or is he more likely to say that you both enjoy the UU and that is what you both will be doing etc? Because that, to me, would make a big difference in the situation....if he is willing to assert that you are your own family and this is what makes you happy, perhaps she will back off, and live in a sort of "blissful denial" that you are at least attending A church, even if it is not hers....I don't know, i mean, obviously everyone is different, and if she is adamant that the Methodist faith is the only way, eesh, that is not going to change most likely.

I have an inkling that if your husband is willing to separate from her religiously, in this way, after a few years, it will cease to be a huge issue...but again, i don't know anyone inolved, so I could be wayyy off base! I think, and again JMHO, that giving her the Pagan/Christian book, AT THIS TIME, might be a mistake...maybe give her a couple more seasons to adjust to the changes she has seen, and then, if you grow closer and she does back off, maybe share more with her aobut your beliefs and ask her to read the book, because you care about your relationship and want her to understand, and would like to discuss it, if she is willing. I just fear that to give her the book now, especially if you just gave it to her as she did you the Lion Witch and Wardrobe, without any verbal explanation, it might serve only to make things more tense; since she obviously has not yet even adjusted to the idea that her son is attending a non-Methodist church.

[xarimae]

Thank you for your help. My husband hasn't really discussed these things to her yet. But it bothers him that she makes me cry with her insensitive comments and actions. He's told her straight out that he only goes now to the United Universalist Church and that he enjoys it, and she's starting to drop the "did you go to church today?" thing towards him. So I feel like she's starting to know that she can't change how we live or what I believe, but she still tries to push the christian beliefs down our throats by invites to church, gifts, etc. So its annoying, but I think she's on her last limb with the church issue. She seems really open and very loving, so I feel like I could at this time talk to her about it, and I think it might help, but then again, I'm scared shitless because I've never had to do this sort of thing before and I'm scared she might still act like she does.

It really hurts that I respect her beliefs so much, but then I get nothing in return but christian propaganda. Matt thinks that she's not even thinking about me being a non-christian when she's getting gifts or coming to visit, since everyone else she's always known has been christian. He feels like she would understand how I feel and change if I talk to her. You know, its amazing to me how such a wonderful and respectful husband I have, came from someone who closes her door to anything different. I feel like she would lay off me if she knew what I believed since she's never met a pagan so doesn't my beliefs.

I don't know, I think maybe I'll talk to her first and if its received well, I'll give her the book. Because I think it could definately help her learn about me and help our relationship.

[StarSpiral]

Part of her beliefs is likely that those who do not accept Jesus as their Savior will not enter Heaven. Her gentle pushings and Christian themed books may be a way of showing how much she cares by trying to help you find Jesus and therefore be saved. Imagine how difficult it would be to live every day believeing that you will not be with those you love after they die because of their beliefs. Talking about church all the time could just mean that it is a major part of her life, for many older people church is the only major place of socializing etc. Accepting these things is part of respecting her faith.
On the other hand, if she is hurting your feelings that's not okay. Maybe you or your husband could explain to her that while you appreciate the intention behind her actions that they make you feel like she doesn't respect your beliefs.

Good luck!

[Silverwolfthorn]

Giving her that book is a fantastic idea. Once she sees your a hardcore pagan she'll understand that theres nothing she can do. Have a think about what you want from the relationship with your mother in law. Be careful that the relationship doesnt turn into one of those seemingly sweet smily polite but really there are underlying tensions and sourness. Dya know what i mean? Its important to keep a good relationship for ur hubby's sake, just watch out. But i think if you show her that theres no converting you then she will give up. Show her that you can be an equally wonderful person without believing what she does.

Blessed be
Silver