IrishRiotGrrrl
June 8th, 2005, 03:59 PM
I have literally been through hell and back when I first came to this website. I didn't know exactly where to post this but I wanted to share my story with other individuals. It may be kind of long but if you read it through I think it will be worth it. I think it has a beautiful message in it and it's a true story.
When I first came to MysticWicks Online Community I was very sick. I'm talking mentally ill. I didn't realize it at the time but I later found out I have bipolar aka manic depresssion wtih psychosis. This sounds really scary and in fact it is because of the simple fact that I am dependent on medications to function normally everyday. I dont mind the medications because I know they are helping to make the chemicals in my brain work properly but I do sometimes feel down on myself. I'm sure if anyone here has to take medications for anything they understand that feeling. I have a hard time talking about being mentally ill because most people brand you when you tell them you are mentally ill or that you are on medications. It's sad because most of the people that do the branding do not understand what a mental illness and do not realize how common they actually are. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I had a "nervous breakdown" in actualiity it was a manic episode that got out of hand and went to an extreme where I was dellusional and completely out of touch with reality. At one point I thought I was the Virgin Mary. At another point I believed that I was being contacted by the devil. LOL! I can laugh about it now but thinking about the events that led up to it I could have prevented it had I spoken up. I ended up leaving my husband and my young child behind and checked myself into a mental hospital where I began receiving care. When I got to the mental hospital I was relieved because I just knew that they would be able to figure something out. I was wrong. They thought I was a lost cause and they almost sent me to a state hospital. At first they thought I had multiple personalities, then they thought I was schizophrenic. They finally figured out that I was an extreme case of bipolar with psychosis. This is somewhat uncommon, although bipolar is not. It is just very hard to diagnos. Needless to say they tried medications over and over again and nothing would work. I started to give up. I started thinking I wasn't going to make it. I said if I'm going to be out of touch with reality like this I dont want to be alive. I thought that in my few moments of sanity which were far and few between. I would say during my month stay I had about three of them. As said before they thought I was a lost cause and I started to believe them. Then they tried some experimental medication on me. A mood stabilzer and an anti psychotic. They had thought about treating people with bipolar disorder with this medication but it was not yet approved and I said I would try...well actually, my family said try it on her. After about three days of taking it I started to come back from "cosmic trip". A week later I checked out of the hospital and now I'm on medications regularly. I am thankful for that. And I'm still alive! I am still alive! I made it. After speaking with my doctors I am rare case that actually did not comitt sucicide. I guess the suicide rate with bipolar patients is exttremely high especially those with psychosis.
Anyways, before I got "well" I noticed things about myself that I did not like that have changed greatly. I was a horrible mom. I can't lie. I did not spend enough time with my son and I did not give him the attention he needed. I drank too much. Every chance I got to get drunk I jumped on it. I was not being true to myself and taking care of my son and myself like I should have been. Things have changed. I am finally being true to myself. I am being who I am without worried of what other people think. I spend time with my son every single day. I do special things for the people I care about and of course I take care of myself now. I meditate daily, I practice yoga daily and I excercise on a regular basis. I am beginning to eat healthy and I have officially been clean, except for cigs and on occasinal glass of wine, for three months. To me, this is a great accomplishment. I was completely lost and now I feel like I know where I'm going...or atleast where I want to go. The funny part is...it's so simple. It was never complicated. I finally feel like I'm alive. Anyways, I just wanted to share that story with anyone that was willing to read it. I didn't go into a lot of detail because some of the memories of my episode are still very hard to deal with. And some of the things that triggered that episode I am still dealing with. But, maybe there is someone out there that this might inspire. Or maybe there is someone out there that thinks they are the only one that has gone through something like this...I dont know. Maybe someone will appreciate it. I'm still alive!
When I first came to MysticWicks Online Community I was very sick. I'm talking mentally ill. I didn't realize it at the time but I later found out I have bipolar aka manic depresssion wtih psychosis. This sounds really scary and in fact it is because of the simple fact that I am dependent on medications to function normally everyday. I dont mind the medications because I know they are helping to make the chemicals in my brain work properly but I do sometimes feel down on myself. I'm sure if anyone here has to take medications for anything they understand that feeling. I have a hard time talking about being mentally ill because most people brand you when you tell them you are mentally ill or that you are on medications. It's sad because most of the people that do the branding do not understand what a mental illness and do not realize how common they actually are. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I had a "nervous breakdown" in actualiity it was a manic episode that got out of hand and went to an extreme where I was dellusional and completely out of touch with reality. At one point I thought I was the Virgin Mary. At another point I believed that I was being contacted by the devil. LOL! I can laugh about it now but thinking about the events that led up to it I could have prevented it had I spoken up. I ended up leaving my husband and my young child behind and checked myself into a mental hospital where I began receiving care. When I got to the mental hospital I was relieved because I just knew that they would be able to figure something out. I was wrong. They thought I was a lost cause and they almost sent me to a state hospital. At first they thought I had multiple personalities, then they thought I was schizophrenic. They finally figured out that I was an extreme case of bipolar with psychosis. This is somewhat uncommon, although bipolar is not. It is just very hard to diagnos. Needless to say they tried medications over and over again and nothing would work. I started to give up. I started thinking I wasn't going to make it. I said if I'm going to be out of touch with reality like this I dont want to be alive. I thought that in my few moments of sanity which were far and few between. I would say during my month stay I had about three of them. As said before they thought I was a lost cause and I started to believe them. Then they tried some experimental medication on me. A mood stabilzer and an anti psychotic. They had thought about treating people with bipolar disorder with this medication but it was not yet approved and I said I would try...well actually, my family said try it on her. After about three days of taking it I started to come back from "cosmic trip". A week later I checked out of the hospital and now I'm on medications regularly. I am thankful for that. And I'm still alive! I am still alive! I made it. After speaking with my doctors I am rare case that actually did not comitt sucicide. I guess the suicide rate with bipolar patients is exttremely high especially those with psychosis.
Anyways, before I got "well" I noticed things about myself that I did not like that have changed greatly. I was a horrible mom. I can't lie. I did not spend enough time with my son and I did not give him the attention he needed. I drank too much. Every chance I got to get drunk I jumped on it. I was not being true to myself and taking care of my son and myself like I should have been. Things have changed. I am finally being true to myself. I am being who I am without worried of what other people think. I spend time with my son every single day. I do special things for the people I care about and of course I take care of myself now. I meditate daily, I practice yoga daily and I excercise on a regular basis. I am beginning to eat healthy and I have officially been clean, except for cigs and on occasinal glass of wine, for three months. To me, this is a great accomplishment. I was completely lost and now I feel like I know where I'm going...or atleast where I want to go. The funny part is...it's so simple. It was never complicated. I finally feel like I'm alive. Anyways, I just wanted to share that story with anyone that was willing to read it. I didn't go into a lot of detail because some of the memories of my episode are still very hard to deal with. And some of the things that triggered that episode I am still dealing with. But, maybe there is someone out there that this might inspire. Or maybe there is someone out there that thinks they are the only one that has gone through something like this...I dont know. Maybe someone will appreciate it. I'm still alive!